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I want to say that my Mary was my entire world.  She put others above all else including herself.  She was a caretaker.  She loved with everything in her soul.  I want to trade places with her.  She didn’t deserve to be sick with multiple things.  She didn’t deserve to have ALS steal every little aspect of her life.  But it did NOT steal her heart and soul.  Up till the moment she passed in spite of not being able to talk or move or breathe on her own she still loved with everything she had in her.  January 9th will be three years since she was taken.  My heart is as shattered today as that night.  And losing four grandchildren since is utterly angering and heartbreaking.  It just plain hurts to no end.  My life will never be the same.  Not even close.  I guess my only solace is our grandchildren are with her in heaven.  Sometimes I don’t want to exist this way any longer.  Sometimes I just am positive that I’m going to fail this test.  Yes.  That’s what I think.  God is testing me.  Well I say enough is ENOUGH.  💔.  I thank god tho for my son DIL and nine year old Caleb and three month old Ryan.  But sometimes that’s not enough compared to all that’s been lost.  😔.  I don’t know why I’m posting this.  Just need to talk.  Thank you for listening.  My heart is broken.  

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We are listening, dear Butch ~ and our hearts hurt for you. Just as you know that your Mary is caring for your four angel grandchildren in Heaven, Mary knows that you are here, caring for your children and two grandchildren on this earthly plane. You are not failing, dear one, and you are not alone. You are a human being living a very human life, along with the rest of us who are struggling, too ~ and we are here with you, sending our hope, love, and prayers for blessings of courage, strength and peace. 

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Thank you Marty.  I apologize if I sound redundant in my posts.  It’s just hard to find words.  

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Butch, before this happened, I would try to find words of "sympathy" to say to someone.  I did not understand.  I believe, if I am remembering correctly, right after I came on here three days after Billy left, I remember your going through a hospital stay yourself with your heart.  When all this happened, the only thing I can say is "no words."  But,  you know this is the place to come.  Your in our hearts.  But, being in our hearts, for all of us, for any of us, that does not help the pain.  I wish it did. 

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Butch, I've had multiple losses too in the past 3 years.  None to compare to losing  children tho.  I just know that Steve not being here makes them so much harder to process and accept.  I wish I could give up the 'whys' that eat at me, but it is natural to wonder why us so many times over. I even cry when a celebrity I liked dies too.  Every existence that touched us is now touching a gaping wound.

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13 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

I want to say that my Mary was my entire world.  She put others above all else including herself.  She was a caretaker.  She loved with everything in her soul.  I want to trade places with her.  She didn’t deserve to be sick with multiple things.  She didn’t deserve to have ALS steal every little aspect of her life.  But it did NOT steal her heart and soul.  Up till the moment she passed in spite of not being able to talk or move or breathe on her own she still loved with everything she had in her.  January 9th will be three years since she was taken.  My heart is as shattered today as that night.  And losing four grandchildren since is utterly angering and heartbreaking.  It just plain hurts to no end.  My life will never be the same.  Not even close.  I guess my only solace is our grandchildren are with her in heaven.  Sometimes I don’t want to exist this way any longer.  Sometimes I just am positive that I’m going to fail this test.  Yes.  That’s what I think.  God is testing me.  Well I say enough is ENOUGH.  💔.  I thank god tho for my son DIL and nine year old Caleb and three month old Ryan.  But sometimes that’s not enough compared to all that’s been lost.  😔.  I don’t know why I’m posting this.  Just need to talk.  Thank you for listening.  My heart is broken.  

There is no test, Butch, so you can't fail.  Things happen around us and to us that affect us immensely, some of those things we never recover from they're so far wrenching...you've experienced that.  We may not recover from them, they may hurt the rest of our lives, they may knock us down, but we keep going, and we still have the ability to appreciate what is, like your statement about your son, DIL and grandchildren. Much like that roly-poly toy when it gets knocked down.

roly-poly toy.jpg

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I feel like because I’m the man of this family that I should not be this pained and certainly not in this amount of tears.  Whether it’s right or not it is what it is.  I try to be strong for my son and family but the last few months it feels impossible.  That’s why I feel like I’m letting them down.  

Thank you all for your kind words.  

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1 hour ago, R.Everit55 said:

I feel like because I’m the man of this family that I should not be this pained and certainly not in this amount of tears.  Whether it’s right or not it is what it is.  I try to be strong for my son and family but the last few months it feels impossible.  That’s why I feel like I’m letting them down.  

Thank you all for your kind words.  

Butch, I sensed that when I read your post this morning.  as men we are taught to be strong and fearless, don't cry and don't show any vulnerability.  The level of loss and grief you have experienced is huge.  I have thought at times that God was testing me through this but I have discovered that he is along side of us helping us to walk this path.

My mother died 10 years ago and my best friend in the same year.  My brother died 14 months later. My wife consoled me.

My precious wife passed away 2 years and nine months ago. This group consoled, cared, and loved me at my lowest depth.

I found that the best way for me to deal with grief is to do the opposite of what I feel like.  I wrote, journalled, cried, shouted, etc... and just felt what ever came up and however painful it was.  I discovered by actually facing the grief, expressing it in constructive ways helped me to get through the most initial intense Shock and Awe of my wife's death.  I'm still not over it.  But through writing sharing, expressing and learning the tools to deal with grief has helped me to gradually move forward.

Each of us goes through our own grief journey yet the people here "get" and understand this side of grief and eventual healing.  Discover what will work for you.  We are all praying, and thinking of you and how we can help you and lift you up through your grief.

You and your family are precious to us and we care about you daily. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your life.  - Shalom, George  

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Thank you George.  Your words mean a lot.  

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And Butch, please know that just because it feels as if you are letting your family down, that does not mean that you are, in fact, letting them down. Feelings are not facts. I know you won't agree with me, but given what you've had to bear in the months and years we've come to know you, it seems to me that you are one of the strongest members in our tribe ~ and there is no doubt in my mind that your family would agree with me. 

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I couldn't agree more with George's wise words and Marty's!  You ARE like the roly-poly toy, when life knocks you down, you bounce back up, you just can't see it for your pain, but we've seen it, over and over and over again.  Maybe bounce isn't an appropriate word, but you keep going, and you're always there for your family.  You haven't let anyone down!  Of course you cry, of course you feel sad, you have a lot to feel sad about!  But you still put one foot in front of the other...well, when one isn't broken.  We here have come to love you and you may not realize it but you are inspiring, just like my sister.  We don't get to choose our lot in life or what happens, only how we respond to it.  And you have been a wonderful responder, you've always been there for your son and his family.

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For those who don't already know, Butch went into the hospital with chest pains.  Waiting to hear something more from his son, Allen.  Please keep him in your prayers!

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

Please keep him in your prayers!

Yes, Kay, of course. Please let Allen know that his dad is in our thoughts and prayers. 

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22 hours ago, MartyT said:

 

Yes, Kay, of course. Please let Allen know that his dad is in our thoughts and prayers. 

I've let him know.  

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He's still in the hospital, they thought it'd be about a week, they want to keep an eye on him for a bit.

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In all of modern medical science's knowledge, in our own experience, knowing what we know, how do you possibly mend a heart broken into so many pieces.  You are loved Butch.  We are praying, because that is all we can do.  

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Good news.  Butch is home from the hospital.  Little Man is very happy to see him.  I'm so glad you are home.  Go slow and know we are with you.  :wub: Anne

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Oh Butch, we hate you to suffer so much.  I hope your broken heart will have years of helping to mend with your family.  All of your family needs you.  Sometimes you wonder why you were left.  I always think of Billy as the much better person, more loved, and more of a loss than if it had been me.  I have had a hard time understanding why he was taken.  Some things we don't understand.  I want to have what my mama called "peace that passes all understanding."  There are no words to help, but my selfish feelings feel better with a world with a person like you in it.  You have so much love to give.  

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Thank you.  

The loss of my grandchildren has hit me harder than ever thought possible.  I’m seeing my therapist and also going to a group specifically for grandparents who lost grandchildren.  Hopefully it goes well.  

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From our hearts to yours, dear Butch, with gratitude to e e cummings:
 
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
 
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
 
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
 
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