Challenges

[Gwenivere]

Saturday was my birthday.  My 3rd without Steve.  I got a few greetings.  I didn't feel that special feeling about 'my' day like I used to.  Having just gone thru Steve's death and birth days plus thanksgiving, nothing feels right anymore.  I remember when I lost my mother and the years it took to adjust to not getting a card from her with the customary $20 bill to pamper myself.  We didn't do anything extraordinary on our birthdays any more as we got older, it was just being with your special someone around.  We had dropped to just cards and knowing there will never be another he would change words around.in and make it personal is so painful.  So I did my volteering and came home to this empty home.   I might have asked him to vacuum wielding birthday power.  I am grateful for the few people that reached out.  It's that happy and anything go together anymore.  I don't really use that word anymore.  People tell me of good things and the most I can do is smile and say that's great.  I've decided I will drag out our tabletop tree for Christmas.  I can't imagine trying to treat that day as any other.  It's weird not having to buy a single thing again.  It's like in A Christmas Carol, there's a crutch without an owner now.  An empty place at the table because no magical Scrooge could save us.  

So it's me, a sub sandwich and another empty night.  Saturday was date night so double whammy this year.  

[KarenK]

Gwen,

My heart breaks for you. I know the empty feeling well. My daughter always called me on my birthday, the last time being in March 2014. I remember Ron apologizing to me for no birthday card in 2013. He was in the hospital on his journey to death, yet he still remembered. All of those bittersweet days gone now, "Happy" is no longer in my vocabulary anymore either.

I know it's not the same at all, but belated Happy Birthday,my friend.

Karen

[JudyK]

Gwen,

i feel all your words inside my heart, I feel the same and I feel your pain.  Next month will be my first birthday without my darling husband.  I know he is always with me in spirit and I hang on to that.

[DaveM]

Gwen, I am sorry not to have known it was your birthday. I am not great about birthday and the holiday gift pushes, because growing up there was not a lot of attention to it in my family. We always had a decent Christmas, but birthdays were a cake and a small (I do mean small) present. Thing is, I didn't realize we were 'poor,' because it wasn't whined about, and so the recollections I do have from growing up are pleasant.

With TV advertising and the whole 'Hallmark' emphasis on birthdays, holidays and 'special' days, the weight of emotion tied to all that is sometimes overwhelming anyway, so the difference when we are now alone is heart-rending.  Dana and I were together such a short time, barely over 6 months, so I don't have to face these 'celebration' days with the same pain as most on here do, but I was with her for her birthday. THAT was hard this time around. THAT tore me to pieces. If I had to factor that with Christmas, Thanksgiving, anniversaries, my own birthday and Valentine's Day, I don't know what I would do.

My heart goes out to you and everyone here for the holiday just past and those upcoming that we have to endure without our loves.

Dave

[kayc]

Gwen,

I didn't realize it was your birthday and wish you belated birthday wishes.  My first birthday without George was horrible, I cried myself to sleep because of the disparity between when George was there to celebrate with me...and that year/day.  No one wished me a happy birthday, not in my family, none of my friends.  Everyone was preoccupied, but George never would have been, he would have made a big deal out of it, I was the most important one in his life.  Hard not to notice the difference.  This year was a hard day as my son was installing my wood stove and my house was torn apart, anything but "fun" but necessary all the same.  I've gotten more used to it, but you're right, it's not the same, never will be.

I like George's video here 

 so apropos for how so many are feeling.

[scba]

Dear Gwen, I am sorry too for missing your birthday date. I understand how you feel. We all do. I too never mentioned again the word "happy" and its synonyms, refering to me. I have decided to quit with birthday traditions, I do not order a cake nor invite anybody to come home. I cannot blow a candle and ask for 3 wishes. I spend the day withmy parents cause that date is very important to them, as any parent feels I guess.... I wonder if once they will be gone who is going to remeber the date. Probably one or two people.

 

[Gin]

Gwen,These days are so hard.  Al always made such a big deal for my birthday.  He made a beautiful card and a great poem.  He would put it on the table and I would find it first thing in the morning.  No more hand made cards and poems!  Add it to the list of "no mores".  

Belated wishes.

Gin

[Guest Janka]

Happy birthday,dear Gwen!

              With love Janka

[Cookie]

Gwen:  Happy late birthday....you're in my heart.  I know, it hurts.  A big hug just for you....Cookie

[MartyT]

For you, dear Gwen, from all of us ♥

[TomPB]

Gwen, sorry to be behind. I know all about "happy" so I won't  say it - best birthday wishes.

I've had mine, 9/21, yet another in the parade of "first without Susan". Would have been horrible but my amazing brother arranged a family dinner. Not sure I'd be alive today without him. Feel like I'm retreating into my pre-Susan life. Still cried a lot. Our cards would always say "getting better every year" "looking forward to many more" etc. I see those expressions with a whole new perspective now. ❤️  Tom🐼

[Gwenivere]

Another day, another challenge.  Microsoft forced an upgrade on me and screwed up my computer.  Now I have to sit here and wait for someone to come out this afternooon to fix it.  I was trying to be a good citizen and after denying the update let it do it.  Most are little things anyway.  This one changed everything.  Read online all the furious reactions from other users.  The challenge is if Steve were here, an m counselor keeps trying to get me out if this thinking as it does no good and I have to agree,  he would probably night be able to fix it, but he loved this tech struff and would meet with the guy freeing me.  I have to cancel volunteering for this which is much healthier for my state of mind.  I'd come home and it would be done.  Steve would have loved talking Geek talk as I don't understand most of it.  It was such a great partnership.  I had a similar feeling unpacking our bottled water.   He used to stock it outside and motion me thru the window if we needed any.  I'd check the fridge and hold up fingers of how many.  Partners. I dislike playing both our roles.  Isn't it written somewhere guys take out the garbage?  🙂

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Isn't it written somewhere guys take out the garbage?  🙂

I don't know about it being written anywhere, but I can still hear Billy "that's my job."  So, I let him have his job.  Kinda sad but sorta funny.  I enjoy it when Scott comes and takes out the trash and I really don't mind taking it out, but miss hearing him say it.  

[kayc]

I had to be the geek in our family as I taught George how to use the computer, but it's not a role I enjoy and over my head.  I went back to Windows 7 after trying Windows 10 for two years.  Microsoft is way too encroaching for my likes!

I can handle taking the garbage out. 

[TomPB]

I've volunteered to do tech support for a local organization Beacon Hill Village. May have my first case today. We'll see what I know, LOL. Part of my attempt to get more connected to the community since losing Susan. 8 months.

[kayc]

Tom,

That's great.  I've found my volunteering gets me out of myself and it's my way of contributing in a positive way what I get back so richly in my community and church.

[TomPB]

Marg, I was able to solve the problem, and it does help my state of mind and introduces me to new people. However as soon as I think of losing Susan's sweetness I'm off again...