My girlfriends feelings changed?

[BLewis113]

So this is an update to another post I made on here. To sum up the other one i made. My now ex girlfriend wanted a break after hearing news that her grandmother in South Korea got extremely ill and was hospitalized. After her grandmother was discharged and fine, me and her picked up where we left off and continued our relationship.

So now is the new situation. Just a few days ago, right before Thanksgiving my ex girlfriend texted me saying that she doesn't think she's in love with me anymore and her feelings are gone. She told me she's just not happy in the relationship and that we can't go on. I talked to her wanting an explanation and all she could tell me was her romantic feelings for me just fell apart. Last thing she told me was that she did love me, she loved me a lot but this was a process and that she needed to ''find herself'' first. I was so angry and heartbroken that I left it at that and we didn't talk for a few days until me being an idiot made the stupid choice to contact her last night. I didn't bring up our relationship or the break up, I simply just wanted to know how she was feeling and what was happening in her life. She was extremely short with me and doesn't want to talk for a while. This hurt me bad, and I feel like she resents me now.

A bit of drama has sparked but i'm trying to keep it under control. After our break up one of her friends started talking to me. she hasn't tried anything or hasn't even flirted with me, she just talks to me and is trying to cheer me up. Then my ex's other friend contacted me, she told me that my ex got very upset after finding out her friend was talking to me and became suspicious. Not going to lie it made me feel a little good knowing that she does still have some love for me. I hope? Her friend then told me that I should be patient and just give her time, she also guaranteed me that there is no other guy and that my ex simply just doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment.

I just don't know what to do or think. Just a few days prior to the breakup we were doing great. She was happy, laughing and smiling the last time we were together. Told me repeatedly that she loved me and smiled and blushed each time I looked at her. She seemed like she was in love with me. But just out of the blue her feelings are gone? Any advice would help!

[kayc]

I can't speak for her, obviously, you can only take her at her word.  Some people confuse the whole "in love" vs "loving" thing.  A lot of times it's in their perception of love, and it takes a counselor to help them see it fully.  But that's for her to decide and nothing you can control.

I wouldn't recommend talking with her friends while broken up, it doesn't allow a clean slate or healing for you, it keeps it all stirred up.  All the hopes, all the pain, it's all still there, freshly stirred.  You really can't be friends after having been in a love relationship unless/until you've had the time apart to heal, work on yourselves, take with you what was good, let go of and forgive what wasn't.  

I highly recommend you taking the time to work on you right now, keep busy with YOUR friends and family, going to the gym is a good way to release all this energy, but focus your life on YOU and develop your interests and life.

Time will play itself out and you'll know when you need to whether or not you're ever to resume a friendship...or not.  As long as one of you wants or expects something from the other, it won't work because you're goals will be incompatible.  Not sure how to put it so you know what I mean, but I went through this and when we resumed talking, it was like he was yanking me around emotionally, hopes up, hopes dashed, talk to me for hours, then not for days.  I finally had to let go of all of that, the hopes, dreams, feelings, everything, and let it just be what it was.  I had to protect myself.  When he would talk about his feelings for me, I had to realize this was coming from someone who was messed up by grief and didn't know what he wanted.  I had to realize it for what it was and let it go even as it came, because it was changeable like the wind and nothing you could count on or build anything on.  In time we became good friends, and still are today.  We can talk to each other about anything/everything, and do, our deepest thoughts and feelings, but we are not BF/GF anymore and it's not "going anywhere", it IS good as it is, and we both recognize that.  It doesn't have to lead to something else.

It might turn out differently for you.  But I hope you'll consider some of the things I've said to you and realize you still have a process to go through before you can discover what is meant to be.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, lattiee said:

in reality there isn't anything you did wrong .

That's the case when grief is involved.