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Hello, everyone,

     I am close to the 2nd anniversary of my husband's death. It happened on January 4th, 2016, 3 days after my 40th birthday. I don't want to sound insensitive, but I hate seeing people being happy, especially, couples...and...here I am...another holiday season without my husband. Walter loved Christmas. He would cook and bake. It was a joy to watch him in the kitchen. Now...nothing. I haven't cooked since the day he died. I feel so miserable. I cannot describe it in words. I can't sleep. The anti-depressant medicine is not working anymore. It made me feel worse than before I started taking it. 

   I apologize for ruining the holiday spirit. It's just that I am very sad.

Thank you for reading my post.

Alina

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Dear Alina!

I do understand how you feel.It´s hard to see the rest of the world looking forward to the Christmas and all about,when we feel terribly alone.It hurts watching them going hand in hand,smiling and joyful,because they don´t know the pain we all on here do feel.They´re happy,full of plans to the future and looking at them is tearing up the heart.It has been 6 years since my beloved man died and I still feel like this.I can´t look at those couples walking down the streets,because it still puts the tears in my eyes again.Despite of that I always talk to myself that I´m the lucky one,because I had the best man,met the love of my life,got everything that all of them can only be dreaming of.

Thoughts like that give me a comfort in this miserable life I´ve got since my beloved one died and knowing that I´ll see him again may put a smile on my face despite of all the suffering I´ve been going through by now...

We´re here for you whenever you need to talk or share anything you feel up to...

I´m very sorry for your loss...

Angel-heart.gif.4542244a7b589aa3deba59df4796b00f.gif

With love Janka

 

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Alina,

i just passed the two year anniversary and it is so miserable without my Al.  We did everything together and I miss him so much.  Al loved the holidays, cooking, baking, decorating.  Loved to entertain.  I have lost all interest.  I am a lot older than you.  Any age or length of time together is the same grief.  I wish you well on this difficult journey.    

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Janka,

i agree.  It is such a lonely journey and I am not looking forward to the holidays without Al.

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Dear Alina,

I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved Walter.

In this forum there's no judgement but compassion and understanding. Holidays are very hard for everybody here, so I think there is no "ruining" any spirit at all. Feel free to share and express. We are here to listen.

I'm at 3 years and I feel hurt at witnessing other couples. It reminds me of what I had and was taken away from me. It reminds me of what I miss every day. 

 

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13 minutes ago, scba said:

Holidays are very hard for everybody here, so I think there is no "ruining" any spirit at all.

That´s how it is.There´s nothing like that anymore,on the contrary only.Anything that anyone shares on here,no matter how painful or desperate it is,may help another one to feel more acceptable and comfortable by all means.

Hugs from Janka

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I'm going on my 3rd holiday without Steve.  First one I was in shock, last year is a blur.  This year it has become so real that I am depressed beyond words.  We got into them together.  Things change over the years about decorating and downsized as we got older.  But we had traditions that we sacred.  It's so very hard thinking those are no longer a pleasure if I do them.   Even harder knowing this s how it willl be as long as I am here.  Watching all the happy people and what is forced on us via media is like a torture.  Being asked what I am going to do is a question I dread and it happens all the time in conversation.  I just spent our bday shopping and thanksgiving alone.  Now this and then our anniversary.  I've tried visiting others, but I don't fit because I don't feel any joy.  I don't want to put up our little tree, but I think if I don't it will feel even worse.  Emphasizing everything is gone.  I never thought I would see such happy times make me feel so utterly alone and miserable.  As we all do, the only gift I want I can't have.  Him.

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21 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Even harder knowing this s how it willl be as long as I am here.  Watching all the happy people and what is forced on us via media is like a torture.

I stopped watching TV a few months ago.Everytime I see those Christmas spots,I must look at something else.Lately I just talked to one of my best friends how I dread a question what will be in my future.She replied to me:"Don´t think of what will be later.You must chase such thoughts away.Just do what is necessary for the time being,it´s enough.Everything will be done when the right time comes".She always knows to calm myself down and I´m grateful.My best friends are all I´ve got...

Hugs from Janka

Smile.gif.535c8dae0e483a679fffe0575850e3e6.gif

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I'm glad you have a best friend, Janka.  I don't have anyone but my counselors to really talk to.  So much has changed since he left and that was a hard one.  Ironically, the few people I had died or moved away.  There are a couple people I can call, but it's not the same as face to face.  I discovered I make a terrible hermit.  

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Hello Alina.  My husband died two years ago on the 5th of January.  I'm not in the spirit of the season this year any more than I was last year.  🙏

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This is my 3rd holiday season without Al.  Doesn't get any easier.  It would be fine with me if I stayed home.  No joy!!

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5 hours ago, japanspring70 said:

 I apologize for ruining the holiday spirit. It's just that I am very sad.

No holiday spirit unless you can drink it, and unfortunately I cannot.  It was two years in October for me.  I'm sorry you have to join us, I am almost double your age, but you will find more closer to your age here.  It seems it is something that hits all of us at some time in our life..  Just keep reading, you will find kindred spirits everywhere and we all understand.  

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6 hours ago, japanspring70 said:

 

   I apologize for ruining the holiday spirit. It's just that I am very sad.

 

Alina

You didn't ruin mine Alina as I have not been able to see the Holidays with anything but dread.  This is my third Christmas.  Right now I'm thinking I won't go to my daughters, just stay here in the mountains and hike all day long.  It's a great way to yell at the moon. I wish I could go to sleep on October 22nd and wake up on 26 December. 

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Alina,

No apologies needed here, we all understand and felt the same feelings.  It's been 12 1/2 years for me and I still miss my George each and every day.  People who haven't been through it can't possibly understand what it's like.  Although I did the cooking/baking, George had such a zest for life and he loved each and every holiday, each and every season.  We made snow angels, we went up in the mountains above the snowline and cut down the perfect tree.  He loved to help me decorate!  We'd go out in the woods and collect fall leaves for a bouquet.  We'd play Christmas music and take our decorated cookies to friends.  It's not the same without him.  I was alone last Christmas as it snowed too hard to travel and my daughter couldn't make it home.

I try my best, I decorate the house in his honor, I hang his stocking.  I record the Christmas movies and invite him to watch them with me.  But I want him here in flesh.  I want to hold him.  I want to see the twinkle in his eye.

I hope you go back to your doctor and let him know the antidepressants aren't helping you.  I also hope you've seen a grief counselor and try a grief support group.  All of the grief work we put in helps us in our adjustment, it's a lot of work, it's exhausting and sometimes we get tired of it, but I'm glad I've persevered through it.  I don't know if you've read any grief books but there's a list here (scroll up as people have added comments so my you not see the list at first glance):

 

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Yes holidays very hard, the continuing parade of "first without Susan". Happy couples are torture. Susan was the cookie baker supreme, sending/bringing her special creations to all, and home & tree decorator. I'd complain about over hyped Christmas & starting too early and she'd call me the 🐼 Scrooge. Now I'd give a kidney to see her taking out the decorations or her cookie making things. I see them in the kitchen all the time and think nobody will ever use them again. So sad despite all the prople trying to help. Best wishes Alina Tom 🐼

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I'm sorry for your loss...i'm in my 3rd round of holidays and it is hard b/c i'm usually alone...don't even have the spirit to decorate anymore b/c its just me...anyway, have you checked out Griefshare.com...they have a program on how to survive the holidays...it helped me that first year...

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Alina,

I so totally understand what you're experiencing with your dreading the holidays feelings. Our grief journeys began so closely together. My wife began her journey to go be with God on Dec. 13th of 2015. She went into the hospital for the last time on that day with pneumonia, was put into their critical care unit and onto a ventilator on the 15th, and never came off of it. Finally on New Year's Day of 2016 I had to make the gut-wrenching decision to allow her to go be with God. So for me as well, these holidays now are just days on the calendar. And my wife so loved and always looked forward to this time of year. So now I wake up each morning and wish her Merry Christmas, put one foot in front of the other, and plod along through the day. But the joy and pleasure is gone. I do understand your feelings now.  What can we do except get up each day, continue the journey, and allow time to heal the wounds. I pray for all of us that our journeys will continue to get easier with time.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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I would like to suggest a reading from Megan Devine`s blog:

"There's a gap in every holiday season, even in our regular lives, between what families want, what tradition calls for, and what we, as individuals want for ourselves. When death happens, that gap becomes gigantic. No one can win, here. As a support person, that pressure you feel to make the holiday season “good” for the people you care about is intense. As a grieving person, that pressure from other people to find joy and goodness, to show that you’ll be “okay,” is a lot to withstand".  

http://mailchi.mp/refugeingrief/weekly-letter-1266597?e=c2e1f961f7

 

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22 hours ago, scba said:

I would like to suggest a reading from Megan Devine`s blog:

As a grieving person, that pressure from other people to find joy and goodness, to show that you’ll be “okay,” is a lot to withstand".  

http://mailchi.mp/refugeingrief/weekly-letter-1266597?e=c2e1f961f7

 

Dear Ana,

I feel the pressure this time everywhere.Even after 6 years I feel anxiety looking at all of that.It still hurts me.

Hugs from Janka

Snow.gif.a26c69dbbe9d3c6e0163ae069ba9e996.gif  5a2fc881630d7_smileys-cz-1341.gif.f54d3514b64da9fc8bd1ffdc83d45793.gif smileys-cz-200.gif.da3104e98ad52b8b8c6a399d03de8016.gif    5a2fc8d1181a6_smileys-cz-2121.gif.e50b459f1ccc321690d536a841075041.gif  0 Snow.gif.a26c69dbbe9d3c6e0163ae069ba9e996.gif

PS:There is no snow here,so send you a little bit.

 

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I've booked a flight and I won't be part of the holidays this year. On the one hand, I feel for my parents and sibling to not be with them. Since my love died, I'm much aware that one day they will be gone too, and I feel kind of guilty for not being present for Xmas and New Year. On the other hand, I need a change of atmosphere; a friend of mine is going to be alone for the Holidays so I decided to pay her a visit and spend some time together, without feeling force to organize a dinner, buy gifts and be merry. 

So, yes.... "No one can win, here"

 

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This is my Third Christmas Alone and  agreed to a short visit, then one of the Kids laid out the logistics for a family get together (everyone available) then I  moved my dates ahead by four days......It will be  lots of food and drink, and 99% family......Actually looking forward to this....

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I've talked with the kids and have decided to just spend it on the trails this year (also no snow!).  Last year was very hard and I am not wanting to go through that again.  December 26 is just two weeks away and then I can move on once more.

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We have a storm moving in on the 20th so I may be alone again this year.  It's depressing.

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