Cold world reminders

[Gwenivere]

Yesterday the phone rang.  They asked for Steve.  He was on many calling lists I had him removed from. Whatever this place was I said no, he is not available because he is dead.  The caller said sorry to hear that but kept going on.  I said did you not hear me?  He then asked if there was a better time to call back.  *thud*. I said well, considering he is DEAD, what do you think?   I should have said DO YOU THINK?  He’s removed from the list now.  I gave up using the word deceased as it wasn’t impactful enough.  

A couple days before the breast cancer people called wanting me to send out envelopes.  I said no and I didn’t want to talk about cancer.    She pushed about don’t I care about women and this important issue.  I said of course I do, but cancer took my husband and it is not a topic I wish to revisit.  

I guess people assume everyone will become a warrior for a cause that so hurt them.  Many do, but I can’t and won’t feel bad about it.  It took most of our dogs and several people that were paramount in my life.  It depresses me beyond description.  I choose to donate to other causes that are not painful to my soul so personally.  Maybe I am seen as disrespectful or cold, but I will not be judged for not keeping the cancer torch stoked in my head.

[Brad]

Gwen-

I don't have a landline so I don't get junk calls but it is still painful to receive mail addressed to Deedo, it happens weekly.  The one that elicited a not very nice response was from the charity that had the words "Have we done something wrong?" in large print on the envelope.   I'm certainly no warrior but I have switched all of my charitable donations to the American Cancer Society and to the Hope Lodge in Phoenix.  They truly were there for us as we faced that horrendous battle.  That being said; I won''t be sending their envelopes, not hosting local fund raisers for them.

I hope all is well with your health.

[JudyK]

Oh, I hear both of you loud and clear.  I have almost stopped answering the phone altogether unless I know the person.  

[scba]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I said of course I do, but cancer took my husband and it is not a topic I wish to revisit.  

I guess people assume everyone will become a warrior for a cause that so hurt them.  

I'm on the same boat. The fighting for the cause was over the day he died. I too do not wish to read about medical progress of his disease, it doesn't matter to me anymore. All the med knowledge I have acquired is useless now, and my brain is removing the most of it. 

 I stopped following  social media profiles of  people who healed and were living the life my boyfriend was looking forward to, their stories don't fuel me-us anymore. I wish them well, but the door To that life has been closed. 

 

[kayc]

It is hard to hear about advances that have helped other people but nothing saved our spouse's life.  It's all too late...I'm truly happy for those it's helped, but...

[DaveM]

Everyone here is so right. I am glad people are being spared every day, but I die a little inside when I hear details of something similar to Dana's situation going right for someone else. I don't begrudge them, I just don't want to hear about it.  Since we never got to the point of being wed, I don't get calls or mail for her. But my heart really aches to hear that the rest of you do. My youngest son has been gone for 18 years, and believe it or not, I still get the occasional 'offer' or 'appeals' for him. And I have moved 3 times since he died.

[Guest Janka]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

It is hard to hear about advances that have helped other people but nothing saved our spouse's life.  It's all too late...I'm truly happy for those it's helped, but...

It´s too late...exactly how I feel about it...but we´ll see them again,because God is good and never forget our loved ones...

 

[TomPB]

Susan Powers says "When the deepest part of our grief is complete, all that's left is the love"

Another "Cold world reminder" I'm getting is Christmas cards from Susan's siblings and others that are not even signed, let alone have a mention of Susan. I got a card from the CEO of the co where she was VP and worked closely with him and did everything with her usual excellence and dedication - nothing. I put it straight in the trash. I know I'm not important to these people, but it doesn't take much to add a few words.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, TomPB said:

Susan Powers says "When the deepest part of our grief is complete, all that's left is the love"

Another "Cold world reminder" I'm getting is Christmas cards from Susan's siblings and others that are not even signed, let alone have a mention of Susan. I got a card from the CEO of the co where she was VP and worked closely with him and did everything with her usual excellence and dedication - nothing. I put it straight in the trash. I know I'm not important to these people, but it doesn't take much to add a few words.

Wow.  What kind of couth does it take to send a card without even signing it!  I never received a call or card or flowers or anything from the company George worked for, and his heart attack was likely because of their continually laying pressure and stress on him!  The first thing I did was throw his work clothes away, the mug they'd given him, etc.  I can't say anything bad enough about them!  Years later they went under.  Karma.  It's not that I wish bad on anyone, but I sure don't want around those kind either, nor do I need the reminders in my house!

[DaveM]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

 I never received a call or card or flowers or anything from the company George worked for, and his heart attack was likely because of their continually laying pressure and stress on him!  The first thing I did was throw his work clothes away, the mug they'd given him, etc.

One thing that I got from losing Dana was a new attitude. There is constant pressure at work for us to do more with fewer people. Our system is Oracle-based, and when we purchased it, Oracle projected and suggested our department should number about 40 based upon the company, business we do, and necessary support. Our company elected to ignore that, and we have about 25 essentially doing the work of 40. And we constantly get hammered because projects are postponed or not completed on time.

So my attitude is that I will do what I can, then my time is mine. I was working 50+ hours a week in addition to having an hour commute each way. I have lost all that was dear to me, so there's nothing else they can take away that makes any difference to me. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, and my co-workers are probably the best of anywhere I have ever worked. But I no longer take any crap.

My heart goes out to you, Kay, Tom and all who have had similar experiences.

Dave

[TomPB]

Wow, seems there's a lot of zero empathy going around. Best Christmas Eve day wishes to all, Tom🐼

[MartyT]

Perhaps the empathy we share with everyone here in our "tribe" is the most precious present we can give or receive, dear Tom, and I am grateful to each and every one of you for that. ♥

[Gwenivere]

I’m just writing this for me so it’s really a ramble.  Just fair warning.

Many of us are talking about getting thru the holidays.  I quite agree but I also know that come the 26th, it really won’t be any better.  I’ll still wake up as I always do.   It’s the knowing others are enjoying this time and we have but memories and traditions and lots of time to be with the changes.   We made changes over the years but not one about one of us not being here.  I don’t know if I am the only one totally alone.  There are people I could call, but I don’t want to bring my sorrow into thier days of happiness with thier families.  I’m even hesitant to call my counselor as I don’t know what she may have going and don’t want to pull her into that role.

today is also my mothers birthday.  I usually don’t think about it after 17 years, but she is the only other person that could comfort me without saying much.  My sadness would break her heart, but she would want to be there for me.   I feel like I am about 7 years and wanting my mommy.  I cried about her last night going to sleep.  Woke up today and usually would plug in the tree and leave it on til the 26th.  I don’t know what to do.  Guess I can try it.  When I did think of her it used to feel good because I had Steve and she knew he would take care of me and loved him dearly.  I thought about her having me, at the time, at such a late age so she might still be here, but if she did I never would have met Steve.  I’d have been so much older and on another path.

George said in another forum these aren’t days to celebrate anymore.  I wish I could find a way to at least contemplate what I had with some peace in my heart.   Feel some warmth around me for having had Steve and the many people that are now lost to me.  I have my dogs but they don’t really cut it.  Each day is routine for them and they have that amazing gift of being in the now and all is good.  They don’t understand the tears.

Nothing feels right.  Not an epiphany but this year is so much harder with things that have led up to it that have pushed my to the brink.  Many medical and feeling abandoned in more ways because of it.  Losing my doctor of 27 years threw me into a tornado of stress with new people.  Another huge loss of someone who knew me well and a foundation you didn’t even think about til it’s gone.  Kicked up many medical issues from the stress.  Just what was needed now....not.

I am supposed to meet a woman for an hour (what I am allotted weekly) and then be on my own.  She’s who will take care of my dogs if something happens to me, I wouldn’t really call us friends.  It’s too complicated to explain.  I know most the people in my little world see someone doing so well.  I keep up the yard, take the garbage out, keep Steve's van running.  But they don’t know what happens in here when every night I think is it time to go to sleep this time and stay there.  Those taboo thoughts you can’t tell anyone because they don’t get unsolicited solitary confinement forced on them.  

Last night TV ran Scrooge’d with Bill Murray.  That is the movie we watched every Christmas Eve.  I watched most of it hearing the the echoes of laughter at our favorite spots.  

I’m done for now.  Have to make this meet, buy a couple things and maybe call one woman who has been sending email and frustrated with me because I won’t ‘ open my mind' to UFO's (really!) and other videos that make me defensive because she feels I am rejecting her help to try and make sense of the senseless.  

Another rhetorical, but how did my (and all of your) fulfilled lives come to this?  We know why.  The only problem I cannot solve8n 62 years.  No store has the parts I need and that’s damned frustrating.  I’d ask Steve because he would know.  Talk about twisted irony.

[TomPB]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

Perhaps the empathy we share with everyone here in our "tribe" is the most precious present we can give or receive, dear Tom, and I am grateful to each and every one of you for that. ♥

Yes Marty there's nothing like sharing with those who have "been there". Thanks for all you do Tom🐼

[kayc]

Gwen,

Last night I sat down to watch "A Christmas Story", one of my favorites.  I found myself in twisted agony, wanting so much for George to be here watching it with me.  You'd think after this long it wouldn't hurt so bad, but it does.  I felt a yearning for him and a missing him greater than ever.  No, it doesn't go away.  I'm sorry you're alone on Christmas, I was on Christmas Eve, last year was alone both days, it's not very fun.  I understand your missing your mom now too, oh God how I miss mine, even with all her craziness.  She was the one person I knew who would understand...she was widowed for 32 years, although she had a lot more kids and contact with them.  I don't think we ever stop missing our moms.

Dave,

I'm sorry you're overworked and your company is trying to get by with less people, all to save a buck, but that puts great pressure on the employees there are, and it isn't fair.  After voicing yourself to the powers that be, all you can do is leave it behind once you clock out.  My last employer was my worst one, he'd contact me at home constantly, even when he laid me off!  I have never felt such freedom, such relief, as when I retired from that place!

This is the one place we can share freely what is really going on in our hearts and I thank God for it.

Thankfully the freezing rain they predicted did not reach us here and I will be traveling to my son's as soon as it is light.  He's sad because I'll only get to spend 4 1/4 hours there, with the five hours of driving both ways, it's the shortest day of the year minus four minutes.  My daughter texted my DIL that she is sick so I won't get to see her.   

 

[Gwenivere]

What I know is life is it is about love or lack of it.  I am grateful I have a home, warmth, food and a good income.  But without love, it’s the loneliest feeling ever.  There is no in between.  I went from childhood love to young love to forever love to this.  

Sorry, it’s Christmas Day and I’m fixing thermometers, worried about my elder dog and hoping I can get to my volunteer job, lots of snow. I’m doing it alone, miss my big guy who would make this all seem an adventure, not a heightened sense of vigilance.  That’s the worst of it.  Now something goes wrong or is a challenge and can’t react to it as I once did.  Just a bit of grumbling.  I’m tired of having to do everything.  Made the mistake of calling a 'friend' last night and she said she had decided she didn’t want to hear about it anymore, I was just calling to tell her about the snow, hadn’t mentioned Steve.  That I was stuck on this channel.  In ways she is right.  She’s got lots of channels to choose from.  

Too bad Santa couldn’t bring me what I really wanted.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Gwen, that you don't have what you really want for Christmas. I hope it helps to know that here, at least, you are in good company, and how you are feeling is understood by everyone here . . . ♥

[Gwenivere]

One thing I learned this holiday was I made a mistake trying to be a part of it.  I tried putting up our tree and lighting some angel chimes we always did on the eve when we watched our favorite movie by candlelight.  One of the first things I did today was to put the tree back in the garage.  I didn’t want to see it anymore.  Threw out the few cards I got.  Hoping the hype will now start fading on TV and in the stores.  Already heard from one couple they are going out to return or exchange gifts because they weren’t what they wanted.  I just cannot relate to the tangible now.  What I was missing was so much bigger.  I do understand where they are having been there myself.  My holiday was draining trying to keep up things that don’t work anymore.  They never will.  This is what is hard to accept.  All I know is I would have been better off not doing anything.  We learn what we can handle and this year was a hard lesson.  I had 2 phone calls that went terribly wrong and left me stunned and wanting to cry.  My elder dog needed to go to the ER vet. The stress caused terrible headaches.  I did go the nursing home and serve coffee and the few residents that came were happy I did as the place was boring with nothing going on Christmas Day.  So here it is the day after all that hype and I feel back to if not worse.  Normally would be a counseling day, but that was cancelled and I could sure use it. I thought about replacing this iPad and thought of the crowds seeking bargains and returns.  Don’t want to get into that.  Another week of things being all off schedule now because of New Years.  

I wish there was s guidebook, but that is impossible.  Something that would help (besides all of your sharing here) that led to a place of contentment if you followed a clear cut guide.  I read about the physical struggles we face alone and am so weary of mine.  I know if I felt healthy and not in pain all day it would help immensely.  The mental struggles are more than enough.  My dog is better today but it would have made such a difference to not face that fear alone.  Many times I come home shaking from things I had to do because I am alone.  Just how many times do we have to face we are strong enough to get them done but no taking it more in stride when we had company?  

Back to another day that will be a carbon copy as always.  As Kay said in another post, I love my memories of Steve.  But I want the real man.  Something I can’t seem to accept yet in all this time.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My elder dog needed to go to the ER vet. T

Oh Gwen, I'm so sorry!  What's wrong with him?  Is he feeling any better?  I know how stressful this can be.  My sister sent a "present for under the tree" a year ago and it had chocolate in it, which Arlie ferreted out and ate, got toxicity and I had to take him in emergency 60 miles away.   I couldn't understand her doing that when she's owned dogs, told her no more chocolate ever!!  I can't count on her to warn me.

In spite of the hard time you were having, you were thinking of and serving others.  That is about as good as we can do with the day.  I am not into shopping, crowds, bargain hunting, traffic, bad roads & weather, I prefer to stay home and miss all that.  New Year's I will be at the church doing the books as it's month end, quarter end, year end.  I probably won't get everything done, but want to get a start because you never know when I'll be snowed in again.  

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

As Kay said in another post, I love my memories of Steve.  But I want the real man.

Yep, that's how I was feeling Christmas Eve.