Wishing Christmas was over

[Lainey]

I remember when the Christmas season would come, how excited I would get. My children would be so excited. and as they grew up and had children, it became even more exciting. With all the presents and family togetherness, there was always a sadness in my heart.. I wanted the happiness to last longer.

Now I have a sadness but or different reasons. I still enjoy the kids, but it's hard to get excited when I know there is emptiness inside missing Lars and now Tom. Two people that made Christmas the best time of the year for me.

I put on a smile and do what I have to do, but my heart isn't in it.

I'm wishing one and all a Merry Christmas and may our hearts start the New Year with a less heavy heart.

[So Alone]

I feel what you are saying.  I too use to have joy in the holidays.  This year nothing.    I just can't.   Don't know if I will ever again.  But  we take 1 step at a time. That all I can do.    Wishing you a merry Christmas 

[Lainey]

Yes you're right So Alone..... one step at a time. Baby steps this time. 

 I've done the grief thing once already.... I don't want to do it again,I just want to get on with life.

[Guest]

Lainey and So Alone, do I ever know from whence you cometh. It's rreally obscene  that we have been reduced to hating the holiday season that we used to enjoy with our spouses so much more than any other holiday. My wife used to love the Christmas season. We would work for hours just getting every piece of the decorating puzzle in place just perfect enough top pass her inspection. And she wouldn't just wrap a gift package. They became works of art. And it always made her so happy to do it all. She would work me to death sometimes doing the "heavy lifting" parts of it all, but I never minded. Seeing here smiling and happy was all the payment I ever needed. 

Then came the Christmas season of 2015. She spent Christmas of that year in the hospital slowly dying (how I have learned to hate that word!).  My happy world for 41+ years came to an end on New Year's Day of last year when I had to let her go be with God. She had struggled and suffered far too long, so I gave the dreaded instructions to turn the ventilator off and let her go. My sympathies to anyone who ever has to make that decision. It ain't easy. So for me now, Christmas Day and New Year's Day of nothing more than 2 days on a calendar to get through. I do my best to wear a happy face so I don't ruin the holidays for others, but these days sure aren't holidays for me anymore. My condolences, Dear Friends.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[Lainey]

My condolences to you Darrel.

You are so right that we have learned to hate one of the happiest seasons that we used to love.

I'm lucky that I have two grandchildren that still believe in the magic of Santa , so when I see their eyes light up on Christmas Eve, I can find joy from that.

My family have a tradition now that before we open presents, we have to toast Grampa Lars and Papa Tom. Zoey the four year old decided tonight that she wanted to say a toast. "We  are family and that's what counts". 

We have to learn that we have to be there for our families, they are grieving for the loved ones also.Hopefully you have family to support and help you through this time.

[kayc]

I don't dread the holidays...I decorate, watch the Christmas movies, but am alone through most of it and no matter who I spend time with anyway, it feels empty without George here.  I know most people wouldn't understand that because I only knew him 6 1/2 years and he's been gone 12 1/2 years, but it's like most of my life was leading up to that point and when I met him, I felt complete, fulfilled...now that he's gone, there's that hollow place inside of me that nothing else fills, you know?  I'd feel the same way no matter how many years I got with him, we knew each other when we found each other, we were the one the other was waiting to find, we just didn't know it until we met.  It was a relationship I've never seen before in anyone else, and I know most of you had that too.  The understanding each other, the great communication, the faith in each other, the immense caring and respect towards each other.  I've never experienced it before or since nor would I expect to.  He was my soulmate.

I'm not in a hurry to take the tree down this year, it can stay up all of January as far as I'm concerned, no one here to notice it but me anyway...I don't know, maybe as long as it is up I'm hoping Christmas will visit my heart and I know that's not really going to happen, I guess it's about anticipation/hope, not reality.

[Lainey]

KayC ,

As much as i loved my first husband, we had responsibilities... jobs, bills, children and all that couples had to deal with .His Parkinson's and cancer changed him.When he passed I was exhausted from being his caregiver for so long.

Four years later, Tom came into my life. We were free of mortgages, free of raising kids, we were free to do as we wanted. And we did just that. In four years we crammed in what many couples have in twenty years. We were soulmates, we had the same dreams and we followed them, whether it was a trip somewhere or just being together having a coffee on the front step.As you and George were.... we were complete.

I miss that so much right now, I wonder why we had such a short time, but I know those memories with him will always be special.

PS.. my tree and decorations are coming down tomorrow, Christmas has left my heart for now.

[kayc]

I had all the raising kids, caregiver of his mom, working, paying bills, with my kids' dad.  When I married George I still had the responsibilities, jobs, commutes, mortgage, etc. but it FELT different with him.  Life was like a breath of fresh air.  Stuff didn't bog us down.  We had each other.

I understand what you must be feeling...much of what I have been feeling these past 12 1/2 years.  I only know I carry him in my heart and so he's never far from me.  I just wish I could hear his voice, feel his arms around me.  I want the physical George, not just the spirit one.

[Lainey]

Oh my it would be so wonderful to have his cuddles and kisses again. To be able to laugh and joke again, just be happy