Hoping 2018 will be calmer

[brat#2]

I know I haven't been very verbal this year and with this being the last day of 2017, I thought I would write what I've been going through this year.  It all started in March when what little family I have left, finally convinced me that I needed to move closer to them in Ohio.  My brother wanted to buy a place for me to live, so we started looking and it took until September to find what we were looking for.  During this time I was having very conflicting feelings about whether to move or not, after all, Florida had been my home for 35 years and Dale and mine married home for 33 years.  During this time I couldn't make myself start going through his/our stuff I guess thinking if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have to move.  Then September came and when Hurricane Irma became a threat to Florida, my brother insisted that I fly to his house in the Chicago area for the week, so I had to reorganize my evacuation boxes and take them and my vehicle to a safer location and go up there.  He had rescheduled the closing on the house in Ohio so that I could go with them and we closed on the house while I was up there.  Came back home a week later and thankfully no damage and the neighbors had already cleaned up the debris and had it out by the curb.  Then the fun really started, I had to find a mover and go through "our" things, mind you I hadn't touch anything of Dale's since he died, absolutely nothing had been touched or moved.  I had to go through everything that was his and decide what to take with me, because couldn't afford to pay moving company to take everything.  A lot of emotions over the next few months of doing that, a lot of tears, screaming, surprise at things he kept, sad over having to give stuff away, anger for having to do that, felt like I was betraying him by going through his stuff and giving it away and for moving away from "our" life and home.  Had to make arrangements to sell the van (couldn't afford to get it up to Ohio) and also made arrangements to sell our place.  Those months from September to November were some of the hardest months I've ever had to deal with in my life, doing it all by myself. I was in extreme emotional pain and physical pain as all that activity made the arthritis in both my hips and lower back go crazy.  Finally moving day came, the weekend before Thanksgiving, and that was hard seeing all our stuff being packed up and put in the moving containers and knowing that was the last time all that would be in our home and the last night in our place was very difficult.  The move to Ohio I guess was pretty smooth, but took almost 4 weeks before the movers were able to get my stuff delivered to me. 

I'm in my new place, which is beautiful, but I still feel like I'm a guest, I'm hoping that once I actually get everything unpacked and put out, our things will make me feel more at home.  It's been nice to be closer to family and actually been able to see them and also since I moved back to the town I grew up in, I've also reconnected with some old friends.  However, without Dale, it just doesn't feel like home and I still feel like I've betrayed him and disappointed him by leaving our home.  Then on the other hand, I know he would want me closer to family and not so alone as I was down there and be in a safer home and not have to worry about hurricanes, tropical storms, tornadoes, and home that was falling apart, etc that I had to content with there.   I was so afraid that once I moved from our home, that I would feel like Dale wasn't  with me anymore, but that is not the case, I guess that it doesn't matter where you live, your soul mate and true love will be with you always in your heart, mind and soul.  Although at the same time it is sad that I'm living where people didn't know him (we moved to Florida the day after we got married), but on the other hand I get to talk about him more trying to get people to know him (I don't know if that made any sense). 

Anyway, thank you for letting me ramble on and I'm hoping for all of us that 2018 might bring all a little more piece in our hearts.  I really appreciate all of you and so glad that I found this place to feel comforted and to be able to say what is one my mind.  Hugs to you all, Joyce

[Gin]

Hi Joyce,

Glad to see you back.  You have had a rough time.  It is good that you are near family and friends.  My biggest problem is loneliness.  Hard to make new friends at this age.  Maybe it is just me.

[brat#2]

Hi Gin,

Even though I'm closer to family and get to see them more, I still have problems with loneliness too.  I guess since we don't have the one special person anymore that was with us 24/7, no matter how many people you have around you, you still feel that emptiness.  No, it's not just you that has a hard time making new friends, I haven't made any either.  The friends that I'm connecting with now are what I consider "old" friends, we were friends years ago and stayed in touch now and then, but now I get to see them.  I'm sure that once the newness of me being back here wears off, so will the visits!  Take care.

 

 

[TomPB]

I've been reconnecting with friends from childhood to college. They remember me better than I do. It's like 48 magical years have vanished and I'm regressing to my pre-Susan life. Like I'll move back to my home town and move in with a girl I knew in the 6'th grade. Not sure who I am now.

[Gwenivere]

What an ordeal to make such a big move, both physically and emotionally.  That takes so much strength.  Facing Dales things because you had to, no minor feat.  I think I know you well enough that you will pace yourself on this side of the journey.  Reconnecting with old friends should be interesting.  3 decades is a long time.  I do hope you find some supportive companionship.  I don’t know if you will have to educate them about grief and the new you.  That usually will define a connection or not.  Just glad you are settling in anD good to see you back here as well.  

If anyone derserves to kick back and unwind a bit it’s you.  Have a glass on me.  🍷🙂

[Margm]

Joyce, I left so fast, I threw stuff in boxes and still have those big plastic boxes with lids and handles.  I opened one and there was an important card on top.  I know it was important because I had written some time in the last hundred years that "this card is important" and when I saw that, I put the lid back on the box and now I'm through  opening boxes.  If you remember, I did my moving soon after he left me.  And Joyce, I honestly cannot remember much that first year.  I know I physically moved in here but I do not remember too much about it.  I can only think I am now coming out of my shock.  I have wonderful people leasing my house and at the end of their three year lease they hope to assume the loan.  No problems so far and they have made so many improvements I know they don't want to leave it and they take so much better care of it that I know the house loves them better than me.  

You are sorta in the same fix I was in, I needed to get closer to my mom and sister to help them.  My family was all down here then but have since moved back to Hot Springs, the region we had lived in for nearly 20 years.  Both have life up there though.  They want me to come back and I cannot.  

I am glad I did it before I thought about it.  I am glad I did it when I was still in shock.  Billy was not here waiting for me and honestly, no place is home.  For us home was only where they were when they were with us.  

One thing that has helped me was doing things that Billy and I did not do together.  I don't want to go into trying to carry out our plans, they were ours.  I am in a place where I hear people now, I am not afraid, and no Billy would not have lived here, but he really does not live here even though sometimes I feel him close.  I feel I am where I am supposed to be and those boxes make good bedside tables and stacked in closets, etc.  The things I gave away, the kids got what they wanted and I gave away other things and I really got all new things.  I don't know why, even my clothes and I don't know why.  Certainly not to dress up, just new ones like my old ones.  Got the new car.  I don't know why we do things.  I have been here 18 months.  I really think shock covered the first year.  I have renewed friendships and sometimes wish I could just stay inside and hide, but I have so many things and places I have to go that maybe it is good to push me on.  I don't know.  I exist.  I can say I did not want to be where he left me.  And honestly, sometimes I feel like "okay, I don't make sense, who cares."  

I wish you the best Joyce and that you feel peace in your new house.  Please let us hear from you more often now.  If you don't want to open a box, don't.  Heck, I even bought new silverware. (Stainless steel).  Again, do not know why.  Boxes take up my dining room.  I'm not ready to open them.  I may never open them.  

[scba]

Dear Joyce, I am glad to hear about you and I wish you the best in your hometown. I have been through the same 3 years ago, I think I remember little of it, but I know I remember all of it. Specially when I closed the door for the last time of the apartment we share. 

You won't forget, but life will do its work to help us through new challenges.

 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, brat#2 said:

I guess that it doesn't matter where you live, your soul mate and true love will be with you always in your heart, mind and soul.

That's so important for all of us to fully realize, they are spirit and can easily move with us!  I wish you well in your new place and hope your increased time with family will be a reward for all of your efforts.