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[Guest Kevin53]

Here I am just feeling better for a few days and now it feels like I’m back to the first few weeks after my wife passed away on Oct 22nd, 2017.  This is so awful. I can't stop crying and it seems all I’m doing is rehashing all the things we used to do.  Right now it just seems out of control. I went out for about an hour and I couldn’t wait to get home because I was crying so much.  I wish I could snap out of it. 

[scba]

Dear Kevin, I'm very sorry. Something similar happened to me yesterday, I couldn't stop crying and when tears were enough, a huge pain was left in my chest that didn't go away. Grief works like waves. Hold on.

[Guest Kevin53]

Thanks for the input. 

[TomPB]

Kevin, I hear you. Like Ana says, grief comes in waves. My counselor says learn to ride the waves, tho I mainly just cry. I'm surrounded by so many reminders of our life together that triggers are everywhere. Going thru our linen closet (100% managed by Susan, I had no idea what we had) I found the special sheets we always took sailing. As with everything Susan handled, they were neatly put away in a plastic container, perfect for taking on a boat. I was screaming as I was tortured by the thought that we would never take them sailing again, and there was no point in doing this life thing without her. But all my most intense grief does pass and I move to OK-ness, till the next attack. What I can't forsee is whether I'll ever move beyond OK to happy. Hang in there.

[Gwenivere]

I had a screaming fit last night too.  Those always take me by surprise.  Crying so much I can’t talk or make sense so it’s a primal sound from the deepest part of yourself.  I don’t talk about it to anyone but here and my counselor.  I know the outsiders would think I was crazy as I’ve had sooooooo much time to 'adjust'. They don’t get this is now part of our identity.  We don’t want it.  Didn’t ask for it.  Would do anything to make it stop.  Why would anyone choose to live with this kind of pain?  This isn’t like losing your wallet and an inconvenience of replacing its contents, which can be done.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but it can make me physically ill at times because I am so tied up in knots.  It just adds more stress when we have to censure ourselves.  As more time passes, the more that happens.  I also get tired of conversations that if I have something to say about something someone is doing with thier spouse, mine is alway past tense.  We used to....I remember when he would......we did that but that but that was when he was healthy.....   They say live in the now.  I do.  It sucks.

[scba]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I had a screaming fit last night too.  Those always take me by surprise.  Crying so much I can’t talk or make sense so it’s a primal sound from the deepest part of yourself.  I don’t talk about it to anyone but here and my counselor.  I know the outsiders would think I was crazy as I’ve had sooooooo much time to 'adjust'. They don’t get this is now part of our identity.  We don’t want it.  Didn’t ask for it.  Would do anything to make it stop.  Why would anyone choose to live with this kind of pain?  

Yes, me too

[Guest Kevin53]

I feel so bad for all of who have responded. Sometimes it feels that there is no hope. All the crying we do. All the suffering we do. Just hoping it will get a little bit better. You are right. This sucks so bad.  I just just want to be somewhat happy for just a little bit of the day. I go to therapy and group counciling. I pray a lot.  Please let something kick in already. 

Well all I can do is keep on trying.

[TomPB]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

... I also get tired of conversations that if I have something to say about something someone is doing with thier spouse, mine is alway past tense.  We used to....I remember when he would......we did that but that but that was when he was healthy.....   They say live in the now.  I do.  It sucks.

Exactly 🐼😢

[Margm]

Cannot scream anymore. Did that at first.  Gave me terrible headache.  Did not help.  Now the crying.  I can cry.  I cry at the beginning of a TV show, cry in the middle of it, and usually cry at the end of it.  I cry during weed killing commercials.  And, I won't watch those commercials about starving kids and mistreated animals.  I keep a roll of towels by my chair.  One thing about crying, at first I found the best feeling and the most frightening feeling when I would cry until I could not breathe.  No fear, just a possible release if I just quit breathing, no hurting, and not doing it on purpose so I was not harming myself on purpose.  But, as time goes on, that kind of crying just gives way to tears, controlled.  How unfortunate.  I live.  Nothing I can do to bring him back or join him either.  That will happen soon enough.  "Promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep" and thank you RF..

[kayc]

I read all of your posts and it breaks my heart for all of you.  I guess I've gotten used to it the same way anyone gets used to physical pain, enough time and you learn to live with it as a part of you.  You ask why anyone would choose to live with this kind of pain?  No one would, none of us did, we just got it handed to us.  It's weird to think about my sisters' lives, they continue going to Hawaii, Europe, casinos, whatever they enjoy, and my life continues very differently, just getting by, no one to share in it with.  It's weird how the luck of the draw goes.  But then I am the one that hit the jackpot when I married George. 

[Guest Kevin53]

I know what you mean kayc. How can everyone have fun while we have to suffer so much. It’s been 3 days now and I’m still in a slump. This hurts so bad. I’m so sick of crying. I’ve been told to go out and do something like a walk or shopping. I just can’t get myself to do anything today plus I have a terrible cold. I know it hasn’t even been 3 months but I was getting better and now I feel I have gone right back to the beginning.  I just miss her so much and I can’t stop thinking about all that we have done together.

[kayc]

Kevin, there will come a day that the tears will dry up and you'll carry a kind of sadness inside of you.  You will still smile at things, and laugh at something funny.  You will still have fun at times.  But always you'll carry that sadness inside of you, it's name is grief and it's our companion for life.  It doesn't mean it's a bad life, just way different from before.  A life with more solitude than you'd choose.  A life missing someone that was your whole world.  I was told I'm not clinically depressed because I'm still "functional".  Is that how they define it?  I don't have interest in my hobby that I used to love and enjoy.  But since I brush my teeth, buy groceries, and clean the house, I'm not depressed?  Hmmm...interesting how they define things.  I haven't asked for medicine for it because it wouldn't change the cause, and they'd probably have to give me so much that I might NOT be so functional then!  Kind of a catch-22.

[Guest Kevin53]

That was very helpful kayc. Thank you so much. 

[TomPB]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Kevin, there will come a day that the tears will dry up and you'll carry a kind of sadness inside of you.  You will still smile at things, and laugh at something funny.  You will still have fun at times.  But always you'll carry that sadness inside of you, it's name is grief and it's our companion for life.  It doesn't mean it's a bad life, just way different from before.  A life with more solitude than you'd choose.  A life missing someone that was your whole world.  I was told I'm not clinically depressed because I'm still "functional".  Is that how they define it?  I don't have interest in my hobby that I used to love and enjoy.  But since I brush my teeth, buy groceries, and clean the house, I'm not depressed?  Hmmm...interesting how they define things.  I haven't asked for medicine for it because it wouldn't change the cause, and they'd probably have to give me so much that I might NOT be so functional then!  Kind of a catch-22.

At this point I've heard "different" so much I automatically translate to "worse".

I was also told I'm not officially depressed, just sad. Yee-hah.

A very ignorant doc asked me at 6 ms if I still think about her every day  and when I responded "how about every 5 minutes?" offered me drugs but that's straightened out now.

[MartyT]

Tom, my dear, there is a vast difference between clinical depression and the sorrow that comes with the loss of someone dearly loved. One is a chemical imbalance in the brain; the other is a normal and very human response to significant loss. Painful beyond words, that's for sure ~ but normal nonetheless. Doctors are used to prescribing medications for whatever ails us, and most of them don't like seeing their patients in pain. Unfortunately, there is no pill that can fix grief. See Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? (including the articles listed at the base, especially Using Medication to Manage Grief).

Your doc's question reminds me of something the actor Gregory Peck said after being asked if he still thinks about his son who had died many years before. He answered, "No, I don't think about him every day. I think about him every hour of every day."  ♥

 

[MartyT]

Sharing a post by our friends and colleagues over at What's Your Grief? that may be relevant here: When Grief Goes from Just Plain Miserable to Problematic

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, MartyT said:

Your doc's question reminds me of something the actor Gregory Peck said after being asked if he still thinks about his son who had. died many years before. He answered, "No, I don't think about him every day. I think about him every hour of every day."  ♥

It amazes me that people untouched by this cannot comprehend that.  It’s so simple that I wouldn’t think you had to live it to understand it.  We are so changed it should be obvious.  Maybe they chose to not see it.  I can’t count how many times I’ve been told I look better when I an actually feeling worse than ever. Time is not doing it’s 'good' thing for me right now.  It seems to be the enemy.  When I find things that get me out of here they are rapidly vanishing feelings of life connection in this aloneness that always awaits.  Janka said she was just waiting til she gets.to leave, something I relate to very much.  I am told I am clinically depressed also.  I believe it when I look around me and the changes that just keep coming.  The price club we belonged to since the early 90's is closing.  A small bump in the road?  If Steve were here, we would regroup after some grumbling.  Now it is another loss of decades of tradition as a weekly errand.  All things life throws out there that take away a little more from our happy times.  More gaps that will become memories and reminders.  So yeah, i think about him all the time.  From when I wake up til I go back to sleep and even there.   How can I not?  He was/is my life.

[Guest Janka]

On ‎9‎.‎1‎.‎2018 at 7:01 PM, Kevin53 said:

Here I am just feeling better for a few days and now it feels like I’m back to the first few weeks after my wife passed away on Oct 22nd, 2017.  This is so awful. I can't stop crying and it seems all I’m doing is rehashing all the things we used to do.  Right now it just seems out of control. I went out for about an hour and I couldn’t wait to get home because I was crying so much.  I wish I could snap out of it. 

Dear Kevin!

I´m so sorry for your pain!I still read all of your post and I have to respond to this.It´s been 6 years for me now and I met some people in my life I thought they could be a support for me the more than the others,but I haven´t found any of that at last.The last one of them whose I appreciated the most was just a coward,too selfish to understand someone like me who has been going through so much.I needed someone close to me who may understand me and I did my best to work it,but it was not true,so I brought such useless relationship to the end lately.Therefore I´m grateful for my best friends being here for me all the time and helping me as much as possible,because I have no one else anymore.I just had one of them on the phone at 6 in the morning,because I couldn´t stop crying and needed someone to talk with,who may understand what I´ve been going through.It helped a little that allowed me to post here again,as well as I used to do before.

However the most I´m grateful for my strong belief in God that helps me to survive now.

Wish you a lot of strength and a courage on this dismal track as I do know how hard it may be.I myself can´t stop crying from yesterday and I didn´t sleep for 2 nights already.

I´d like to be a support for you,as much as I used to be earlier,but I myself am a broken person now who looks for her own way to go.

Please,take care of yourself!

With love Janka

 

[Guest Kevin53]

Dear Janka,

I appreciate so much that you could respond to my post even though you are having so much trouble yourself. I agree with you that our strong faith in God keeps us going. I could not survive without him. I’m glad you have some close friends to rely on also. I have some family and friends to talk to also but I try to hold back the tears when I’m talking to them. They do know and understand how I feel. 

Wheather you know it or not, you are a strong woman to survive all of these years. I am so proud of you. I do look forward to your posts because they have such meaning to me. 

I too would like to be here to support you and it makes me feel better to do so.

So somehow, through God”s will, we will survive and be happy again.

We must be persistent and find our way out of this.

Love, Kevin

[Guest Janka]

Dear Kevin!

Your post moved me to tears,so good and kind person you are.I can´t sleep or eat from yesterday,so hard it hit me yesterday.

I´m still crying and at the moment I can´t find the words to say how much it means to me that you reach out to me this way.

Thank you from the heart!

We keep in touch.

With love Janka

 

 

[Guest Janka]

2 hours ago, Kevin53 said:

Dear Janka,

I appreciate so much that you could respond to my post even though you are having so much trouble yourself. I agree with you that our strong faith in God keeps us going. I could not survive without him. I’m glad you have some close friends to rely on also. I have some family and friends to talk to also but I try to hold back the tears when I’m talking to them. They do know and understand how I feel. 

Wheather you know it or not, you are a strong woman to survive all of these years. I am so proud of you. I do look forward to your posts because they have such meaning to me. 

I too would like to be here to support you and it makes me feel better to do so.

So somehow, through God”s will, we will survive and be happy again.

We must be persistent and find our way out of this.

Love, Kevin

I´m about to the church now.I go there almost every day now.I do not want to collapse.I´ve been very ill for many weeks and this heartache makes it even worse.I finally ate something and after the Mass I´ll go for a walk.It´s raining all along and I need to feel some fresh air.

Hugs,

Janka

[kayc]

21 hours ago, TomPB said:

At this point I've heard "different" so much I automatically translate to "worse".

I was also told I'm not officially depressed, just sad. Yee-hah.

A very ignorant doc asked me at 6 ms if I still think about her every day  and when I responded "how about every 5 minutes?" offered me drugs but that's straightened out now.

I was referring to the time before our loss and now as being different.  You could label it as worse and I don't think anyone would argue that, it helps me to call it different as I'm trying to maintain an optimistic view of my life now.

As we've pointed out, most doctors are not trained in grief so we go to them for physical ailments but to a grief counselor for our loss.

[TomPB]

The "different" I get is

Me: How can the rest of my life be any good without Susan? Therapist: It will be different.

Me: How can I ever have a relationship with another woman after 48 years with the amazing Susan? Therapist: It will be different.

[kayc]

That's assuming you WANT a relationship with someone else.  I'm afraid there IS no one even close to being like George and he was perfect for me.  What I see of single men my age (present company excluded) is self-centeredness and that is so opposite of George...the good ones are already married and I guess they just don't have good single men in my town, and I'm not interested in a bunch of internet dating, no thanks.  

If you want someone to spend the rest of your life with, I wish you well with it, I really do.  Like some have said, it might be easier with another widow that understands.

[TomPB]

I'm not assuming anything. As I've said previously, I have the conflicting thoughts/emotions that 1. Susan was my one and only and 2. I'm so lonely I need another partner. I don't know how this new life will develop but I can still discuss the possibilities with my therapists.

I get it. It's natural to want the same old life back, so they tell me to not try to recreate it. It will be "different". Makes sense, but all I hear is "worse".