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Kaly

Wish there was a check list

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I know grieving is something we all need to do in our own time and way and there is no right or wrong but I am wishing right now there WERE a check list or guideline.

My mom passed 12-26-17 and I'm feeling so many different feelings. They seem to go in a loop starting with guilt then sadness, anger, denial, yearning but with depression, physical and emotional pain always there. Then when I feel a moment of happiness over something or my mind wanders to thinking about things I enjoy doing those feelings get quickly shut down and there is this voice in the back of my head saying, "Do you really think that is right? How could you dare even think about taking a break from mourning and grieving your mom? It's only been a couple of weeks!!  You didn't do the right things when she was here the least you can do is spend every moment thinking about her and grieving the loss of her."

I find myself wishing there were a check list for grieving:

Guilt: this many days

Sadness: this many days

Anger: this many days

and so on.

Then at the end you get to find out on what day it is appropriate to start to let yourself feel anything good or to do anything you like to do.

I know this is totally unrealistic but I find myself feeling like I need permission from somewhere outside telling me when I should stop feeling the bad and when it is appropriate to feel anything good.  And realistically, I know even if this imaginary check list existed it wouldn't be able to be followed anyway.

Does anyone else ever feel like if they were just told what they should and shouldn't be feeling it would help?

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I think I'd prefer people didn't tell us what we should and shouldn't be feeling.  It's unique to everyone, no one-size-fits-all timetable, no way you "should" be feeling, you are experiencing feelings that are normal to grief and oh my gosh, you are so soon in the journey, how could anyone be telling you anything about how you should do it or feel?!  Our grief is a journey and it takes what it takes.  

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

I'm sorry for your loss, I lost my own mom 3 1/2 years ago.  I can't say as we ever get over it, we do eventually adjust somewhat, but we continue to miss them.

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I am so sorry!! for your loss. My mom died on January 25, 2013 and, although I have worked through my grief, I miss her more now than ever. I remember thinking that no one would ever love me the way she did again. :’( Have you considered GriefShare? It’s a wonderful, helpful program and it’s offered nationwide. I highly encourage you to look for one in your area. :) It put me in touch with other women who were going through the same emotions I was and it gave me the tools I needed to start the healing process. I found it to truly be a process. I was sad, depressed, mad, then sad again. There was no rhyme or reason. I also had times when I’d start to enjoy life again and at first I felt very guilty about it. Just know that everything you are going through is perfectly normal. <3 You are not alone!! and I will be praying for you this week. Hang in there my friend!! 

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