Grief, a bill that never can be paid

[Gwenivere]

Anywhere else I know this would sound almost ridiculous for my reaction.  

Last night I went to clean the parakeets cage as I always do.  One was dead.  I was wondering why the other was being so vocal.  The one that died was kinda Steve’s.  The only other male in a household of 4 other females (dogs and other parakeet).  He named him and would often plead to him jokingly to help him out when overwhelmed by us girls.

i didn’t know what to do with this little body.  It represented so much.  So at about midnight I was outside burying it under the tree we always put other birds and ashes of former dogs.  Never had to do this alone.  Never had to be with a dead pet alone.  I was crying a bit burying it, but the task kinda squelched that.  I then thought I have to get another for his mate today.

it was when I went to bed the sobbing and screaming hit.  I know nothing lasts forever, but it was another big 'why now?' moment.  Screaming at a god i don’t believe in, it was quit dramatic.  Going to bed is when I am always hit with knowing I will face another day in this hell.  I must have been exhausted as I slept longer before my first waking.  

While I was volunteering yesterday I also had an aide go ballistic on me in front of residents for moving.her jacket from a chair I needed.  All I did was put it on a counter when she found it.   Her anger was so over the top I was stunned.  I apologized to try and tone down the non issue, but she wasn’t having it.  I left feeling so beat up.  I did write my boss.  

But back to Vern.  I now have to get a new mate for my other bird and I dread it.  Another thing to do alone.  This small little being took more of Steve with him.  I keep losing more connection and really feel I am losing it.  There is a song that says some days you’re the windshield, sometimes your the bug.  I’ve been the bug so much lately.  So many things going wrong no one could make this stuff up.  Gawd, even soap operas have happy moments.  

Im so tired.  I want a day that doesn’t have some kind of drama.  I’m not asking for happiness.  Just a little contentment while I am conscious.

[DaveM]

Gwen,

All I can say is I am so sorry you have to go through this. When you bring the new boy home, talk to Steve, and ask him to help you pick the right name. I am sure at some point you will think of someone Steve liked or enjoyed playing music with, or someone he and his buds teased from time to time. Maybe even a favorite listener. One of my old bands took the name of a guy who came to every show, only to drink too much and pass out during the first set.  His name was Leo, so we named our band Sleepy Leo.

[TomPB]

Gwen, I feel your pain. I also had a big grief day, no particular reason but thinking about our little jokes. How when doing our favorite recreation, sailing, and picking up a mooring, Susan would always pretend to hit me with the boathook as she brought it out of the cabin. Then after she tied off the line I'd tell her to be sure not to get any Boston Harbor water on her hands, which of course was impossible. She was really good with knots but I'd always make a point of carefully checking if she tied a proper bowline. I'd kiss her after we were all moored up. She didn't like to use the radio so I'd suggest she might like to call the launch...our whole life was like that, one silly loving routine after another, and sometimes it's just unbearable  that it is gone. So I get it. Best wishes ❤️🐼

[Gwenivere]

Thanks so much for that suggestion, Dave.  There were so many names assigned to band mates.  I like your band name and you have a great story for it.

Tom, I don’t know about you, but I am resistant to change.  Not a good thing in this circumstance.  I don’t handle it well.  

I got another bird but on the plus side of resistance didn’t get one that looked almost exactly the same.  It’s like trying to replace and that can’t be done.

I am always amazed at the 'interest' accrued in this grief.  It’s truly a bill that will never be paid.  I don’t ever want to lose memories of Steve, but I could sure use a lower rate.  I’m still waiting to truly laugh or feel some solace from them.  I’ll hear myself telling people things we did and later realize it’s all past tense and I’ll never have anything new as the time passes.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

A couple of months after George died, the U of O was putting on a play, and my daughter and I went to it, it was "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" and it sounds like you had one.  I don't know why we have days (lives) like that, where everything in it seems wrong.  I've just had the last few days like that.

I hope the aide apologizes to you, no excuse for that, something else must have been occurring in her to make her lose it because like you said, her reaction was over the top.  No one should behave like that in a professional setting especially.

I'm sorry about your bird.  It's never a good time to lose a pet, and of course we worry about the other one left and how it'll affect them.  It seems so sad to be out at midnight burying a pet all by yourself.  Don't know what I'll do when it's Arlie's time, I'd need a front end loader to bury him, poor dog!  I've had my worries with him lately with his medical issues.

I had to smile at your screaming at a God you don't believe in, know you are not alone, you've had plenty of company. 

[TomPB]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Tom, I don’t know about you, but I am resistant to change.  Not a good thing in this circumstance.  I don’t handle it well.  

Nailed it, Gwen. Susan frequently said, with good reason, "🐼s hate change" - and I was hit with the biggest change imaginable. 

Really empathize about the bird. If one that had been Susan's had died I would have a big grief attack.

[Gwenivere]

Today would have been Steve’s and my 35th anniversary.   Would have been dinner out at a loud sports bar that served the most awesome sandwiches. We didn’t gaze into each other’s eyes but rather high fived ourselves for another year of being the best partners.  Instead it is grief counseling and another lonely dinner.  What a suck day.  5 years ago I got my 30th anniversary ring that I cherish and he had written a silly poem with.  Romance takes many forms and ours was humor, not flowers and candy.  I loved it and miss it so. Also, I got to book an appointment with a neurosurgeon for my pinched nerves.  Not exactly how I would have envisioned the day.  Nor sitting with my therapist to get some perspective of this crap.  I should be deciding  between the pros and cons of a Reuben versus a patty melt.  

[Margm]

On 1/28/2018 at 4:33 PM, Gwenivere said:

 Screaming at a god i don’t believe in,

A little mustard seed religion spoken here.

When my grandmother was in her late 20's, she had had 7 children in 10 years.  She had cancer, radiation, operation, instrument left inside her, sepsis, and they called all the family in.  My grandfather, he cursed God with every curse word he knew and my mama, a wee little girl with all her sisters and brother just were shaking in the back seat because they knew they were going to be struck by lightening.  Somehow or other, cursing at a God you don't believe in somehow shows that somehow you blame something.  Anyhow, my grandmother outlived my grandfather by a bunch of years that she grieved every day and we would wake up in those feather beds hearing her singing in her high soprano voice "I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses, etc.", and she was fixing our breakfast (she and I neither one can/could cook worth a darn) and all us grandchildren who thought we needed to stay with her after our grandfather passed away, I think we were just a bother to her.  I knew we were going to have that bitterweed butter.  The cow would eat the bitterweed and the butter my grandmother churned tasted like bitterweeds.  (I liked to churn.)  

The hospice book that was given to me by the hospice nurse at my mama's house.  It said it was perfectly normal to blame God.  Even if you don't believe in him, it is perfectly normal to do that.

I watched a church service Sunday on TV about the purpose of life.  He said something I had heard before.  I was laying up in the hospital bed  when my dad entered with his hat in his hand.  He was angry, and no body got angry like my daddy, except me.  (He had the congenital tremor also, and he would shake when he was mad).  He came to the hospital door and he said "What have you done with the life we gave you."  Did not wait for an answer (I had none anyhow.) I thought that was ironic because I always think of God like my  dad, strict, quick to point out my faults.  If Billy and I fussed, he wanted to know what I had done.  So, there it was again.  And, with my mustard seed faith, I talk to Jesus and Billy.  Both at the same time.  They are both good and understanding.

My son has a religion I don't talk about with him.  Something about our ancestors.  We all go our own way at our own time.  

[TomPB]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Today would have been Steve’s and my 35th anniversary.   Would have been dinner out at a loud sports bar that served the most awesome sandwiches. We didn’t gaze into each other’s eyes but rather high fived ourselves for another year of being the best partners.  Instead it is grief counseling and another lonely dinner.  What a suck day.  5 years ago I got my 30th anniversary ring that I cherish and he had written a silly poem with.  Romance takes many forms and ours was humor, not flowers and candy.  I loved it and miss it so. Also, I got to book an appointment with a neurosurgeon for my pinched nerves.  Not exactly how I would have envisioned the day.  Nor sitting with my therapist to get some perspective of this crap.  I should be deciding  between the pros and cons of a Reuben versus a patty melt.  

🐼😢❤️

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Also, I got to book an appointment with a neurosurgeon for my pinched nerves.  Not exactly how I would have envisioned the day.  Nor sitting with my therapist to get some perspective of this crap.  I should be deciding  between the pros and cons of a Reuben versus a patty melt.  

Gwen,

I know it's not how any of us envisioned our anniversaries.  What a different form they took after they left!  But I'm glad you got to book an appointment.  I loved your sharing your high 5s over dinner, that brought me a smile.  Seeing how all of us shared our love brings me a smile.  It's a knowing smile, we who were in the "in", the ones who knew love, for not all of the world does, not even if they're married.  We were the lucky ones...the ones left paying the price now.

(Go for the Reuben.)

[Widowedbysuicide]

Sending prayers for you. ❤️

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

(Go for the Reuben.)

Ya know, and this is such trivia, we always ordered both and split them.  Just a personal ritual to feign agonizing over.

you are right, we were all the lucky ones.  Never, ever in my life could I have imagined such pain coming from such a fantastic experience with another person.  Something wrong with this picture.  I could barely get up today, I was exhausted probably from getting thru yesterday.  I usually wake up in anxiety, but today I just wanted the dogs to feed and let themselves out and stay in bed in that freedom from facing another day.  

[Gin]

Thinking about you, Gwen.  These days are so hard.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

we always ordered both and split them.  Just a personal ritual to feign agonizing over.

That just makes it all the harder...another memory to get through. 

[Marie Lee]

Aah the wonderful beauty of love and sharing sandwiches ... high fives.. and inside..silly jokes.. all the wonderful ...wonderful things that enriched our lives... love the mental pic that brings Gwen..thanks for sharing your traditions.

Big Hug Gwen.. and sending a pinky swear  to you girl to girl.. just because.. won't do the high five.. so a pinky swear will have to do. 

I wish I could make all our pain go away.. 

Kev always like Reubens =)