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Marie Lee

the first time ever I saw your face....

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Good evening all.. 

It has been a while since I have been on here.. but I think of Kev every day.. as you all know. Feb 12 will mark the 20th month since I lost him on that tragic day. I am doing fairly well at piecing some sort of a life together.. still processing much. I am amazed at the correlation of my body and my mind when it comes to healing.. and my emotions as well.

I have started acupuncture for my nerve damage as a result of the accident. I had my first one today.. and it was an odd sensation.. I am hopeful it will be beneficial. I have also started PT for my neck area. That has been the biggest correlation of my mind and my emotions from the accident. So much has come back to me emotionally speaking. Allowing myself to process and take the time to process... has been very helpful to me. I am still attending therapy.. as I am one to talk out problems.. and not everyone wants or needs my emotional dumping.. lol

Today I was visiting a friend and he said something about the five steps of grieving.. he was trying to be helpful.. but I didn't receive it well.. lol.

I went to a website to chat and play a word game.. someone posted this song.. The first time ever I saw your face.. and of course.. more emotions today. Why does it take losing someone to realize how much you loved them? Even more than you knew... when you had them... for me anyways..

I am still trying to process the fact I lived and he didn't. I don't know how to feel about it. I know no one does.. I know that.. but I have to find  a way to have some measure of peace w/ it. 

So..here I am again.. stopping by to say Hello.. and i wonder how you all are doing... Please take care. Hugs/ Marie

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Hi, Marie.  I'm glad you're doing so well, acupuncture sounds appealing to me, I would be very interested in trying it but I've never had health insurance that covered it.  Let us know how it goes.  Good luck with the PT, I have a sister going through that right now.  She's had an unbelievable medical history the last 25 years following a botched up Radiocaritodomy that left her blind, caused her stress TMJ, threw her back and hips out of alignment, a dentist tried redoing all her teeth and botched that, another one tried fixing it, on and on it went.  Right now she's going through PT for her back and hips, she thinks it's helping.  The stuff we go through!

It's hard to believe it's been 20 months...it's weird how it can both seem like yesterday and forever at the same time.  Time seems warped following loss.

"The five Steps of Grief" haha, did you tell him that was archaic, that we've learned a bit since then?  :D  I'm sure he meant well.

Survivor's guilt.  My son went through that in the service.  They kept him stationed in WA getting planes off the ground, working with computers.  His friends were getting deployed and getting killed or maimed or seriously messed up.  I told him his getting killed or messed up wouldn't help them, that his superiors put him where they most needed him.  He understood all this with his head, but his emotions were having a hard time dealing with it.  Do you have a grief counselor to talk to about it?

It sounds like you're doing well, progressing your way through this.  Stop by more!  :)

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Hi Kay - Thank you :-)

I do have a great counselor.. his specialty is insight counseling and he has been wonderful in regards to grief and other “ stuff” I am working through..

I can’t even imagine what your sister has been going through... so sorry she and your son have had those experiences..

sometimes I just feel as if maybe we are all in some sort of journey with a lesson to learn...

i dunno - thank y’all for your support!!

xo- Marie 

 

 

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This IS the journey, the journey is what happens while we're often looking for or waiting on something else!  We don't want to miss the journey we have though and a large part of it, I agree, is what we're learning along the way.

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On 2/14/2018 at 7:50 AM, kayc said:

This IS the journey, the journey is what happens while we're often looking for or waiting on something else!  We don't want to miss the journey we have though and a large part of it, I agree, is what we're learning along the way.

My grief counselor says "Don't miss this part" - but often I'd rather miss it.

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I’m with you, Tom.  Over 3 years of this and the sadness grows.  Im still baffled when I hear we were left here to find some purpose or lesson.  The only thing I’ve learned is survival and that’s even a stretch some days.

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It'd be okay to miss it if we were to die and taken to Nirvana, but that's not the case, we're living here and have to make the best of it.  It's live here in misery or live here finding some quality of life.  That's pretty much our choice.

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Sometimes choice is elusive.  We aren’t all the same.  I’ve spent 3 years trying for that quality of life and it gets harder every day.  When you say choice, it makes me feel invalidated.  It’s so easy to compare ourselves to others on everything and we often do, nature of humans.  This is a case that could make someone feel they’re something wrong with them like they aren’t trying hard enough.  That is the last thing we need to feel.

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Gwen, you know well I would never try to invalidate your feelings.  I'm just saying we all face a choice and if it's not up to us, who is it up to?  I know we didn't choose to enter our circumstances, we can only make choice what to do with them.  No comparisons.  I'm not laying all that on you, come on, you know me better than that, that is your perspective, not mine.

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I have two opposite reactions to problems:

1. You took my Susan, nothing else matters.

2. You took my Susan, I can't take one more thing.

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My post was in reference to what you wrote, Tom, anyway, not anything Gwen said.  I was stunned that she took offense.
I think we DO reach a point where we feel we can't take anything else.  Right now I've been sick for a week, my brain isn't working with any clarity, I'm super tired, and my sister is dying...no one knows why she's still alive, she must be willing it, she's skin and bones now.  :(

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Sounds horrible Kay deepest sympathy.

Finally took Susan's winter coats to a women's shelter today. 4 good coats, including one I carefully picked out as a Christmas present, and the jacket I gave her when she graduated law school. As I now realize often happens, got through it OK, then crying hard when I got home. Closet looks very empty. Another reality nail in the coffin of my new life.

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I’m sorry, Kay.  My mind is not firing on all cylinders either.  I so easily get my wheels wrapped around the axle these days.   This is the one down side of 2 dimensional communication.  

 I’m so sorry about your sister.  I do hope you feel better soon too.

We OK?

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Of course we're okay, Gwen, I'm not firing with all cylinders either this week.  Wondering when this stupid virus will go away.  Can't even put into words what I feel about my sister.  I keep going, keep trying, but there's times everything is pretty challenging.

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Tried doing yard work a little bit today ... ended up so overwhelmed with the 100,000 details ++++ trying to sort out all of the stuff in my messy garage ...

Did get a couple of things done...

wondering when the emotions will become more manageable and not so overwhelming...

Thought about you all... I know y’all get it..

Hugs

Trying to think happy thoughts ......

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4 hours ago, Marie Lee said:

...wondering when the emotions will become more manageable and not so overwhelming...

 

It´s been 6 years,3 months and 2 weeks tonight,dear Marie and when I think about it,I realize again it took me 4 long years...I couldn´t imagine anything else till then,but as time passes by,I do feel it´s not the pain as the worst part of grieving,it´s the loneliness...Therefore I started making any progress about it...Everything changes,but some things will stay the same forever...Anyway my belief in God helps me to go through all of this...

5a91e31620023_851.gif.da08f6a7486370eb8d40ab9a64a2c55b.gif

Hugs from Janka

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George just posted an article about loneliness in the tools section.

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