Grief attacks

[AnnC]

Hi, I was on this forum years ago when my ex-husband died (2004) and when my brother died (2012). I have been doing well, but for some reason this year, starting with New Year's, I have been obsessed by the loss of my ex nearly 14 years ago. He was the love of my life, but after 12 years together, he stopped fighting his nature and came out as gay, so we divorced. We remained in contact for years after that, sometimes in close contact, sometimes distant. He became ill with liver disease, and we became very close then. He died 19 months later and I was just shattered.

Now it seems like I'm going through it again. Today I was nearly as miserable as I was shortly after his death. Is this weird? I know you can have grief attacks around the birthday or the anniversary of his death, but he died in June and his birthday was in September. I find myself reading all my journals from the time just after his death, and I spent most of today crying hysterically. I don't get it.

[iPraiseHim]

AnnC,

You know from experience that grief has no timetable or progress report.  Thoughts, memories, and experiences can all trigger these responses.  They are intact because your love for him didn't die when he did. Feelings are intense and can seem so real and intense.  My wife died suddenly almost three years ago and I still experience these feelings.  It is part of the grieving process and acknowledgement of our love for them.  We are not crazy or irrational.  We still miss them.

It is good for you to come here and share because you are among like-minded people who know, experience and understand your grief.  MartyT, has many great resources available here along with many others here that can help you on your journey.  You are not alone.  We understand and care.  <<< HUGS >>>  - Shalom

[kayc]

@AnnC 

I remember you...you had such unconditional love for your husband (XH) I have ever seen.  It's good to hear from you again, although I'm very sorry for the onset of grief attacks.  My husband will be gone 13 years in June.  Grief is a forever thing as our love continues and really, time seems meaningless in the face of it.  I rarely cry anymore, I've gotten used to being alone...as used to it as one can get, I've adjusted about as much as possible, but still, after all these years, I miss my husband and I love him even more.  Their being gone does not mean anything stops for us.  Events (surgery, loss of job, etc.) and dates (wedding anv, anv of death, birthdays) can be really hard.  For us, we celebrated Valentine's Day (I think my husband would celebrate Groundhog's Day, he loved everything, every season, every holiday) so even that approaching can be hard.  If you go into a store or turn on the t.v. we are bombarded with reminders.

I've learned to let the grief flow and not fight it.  I carry George and I carry grief inside of me now, they are my constant companions, regardless of what I'm doing.  Yes I can smile, I appreciate life and all that is good in it, but it's like there's a kind of sadness with it too...the sadness of missing him.  I talk to him all the time, whether in my head or audibly.  I had a feeling I'd go nuts if I ever lost him and now here I am!

This article is written about loss of a child, but I think it applies here as well...love is love, loss is loss, grief is grief.  
The light grey is hard to read, I highlight it and then read it, it helps.
https://griefwatch.com/does-it-ever-get-easier

[AnnC]

Thanks for the replies, they make me feel better (less crazy?) I remember you too, kayc. You are always so compassionate. I experience much the same as you describe, I live my life and an generally happy with family and friends but am always missing my love. I guess that's just the way it works. It occurred to me that my own birthday just passed, and since he and I were the same age, it does sadden me as I grow older and he doesn't. He was 50 when he died, and I just turned 65. I met him right after his 18th birthday. Can't believe it's been so long. Maybe that triggered the grief attack. I talk to him in my mind too.

[kayc]

Your timeline is similar to mine.  George was barely 51 (birthday banner was still up!) when he died and I'm 65 now, it'll be 13 years in June.  That thought has occurred to me too, I have his picture up on the wall and he looks so young and handsome and here I am, becoming an old woman.    I know it wouldn't matter to him though.