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Shock.

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Katie and I are in shock and overwhelmed.  Losing my Dad is like losing the glue that held the family together.  We find ourselves short tempered towards each other.  And for Caleb’s sake especially we need to not become unglued.  Losing the three babies and Noah is weighing on both of us too.  I am in therapy and Katie is in therapy but we aren’t in therapy together.  I think we need that.  Without fearing our marriage is falling apart.  I miss my children so much it’s incomprehensible and I miss my Dad so much that it just seems so not real.  And I’m waiting in essence for the next bad thing to happen because we’ve been hit back to back to back to back.  I keep going to what would my mom do if she were still here.  Even in grief she’d make it better.  That was just her nature.  Sorry for complaining here.  Things are just so tough.  

Allen

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Allen, You are not complaining.  You are speaking the reality of your life.  It is too much to take in and absorb.  Hang on and hold on to what works for you and your family.  You are not alone. We care for you and your family. I pray for you and your family many times each day.  This place has helped me in the darkest hours of grief and pain.  - Shalom

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Allen, my dear, you are not complaining. You are expressing openly and honestly what you are thinking and feeling. The only one who is walking in your shoes is you. The only one who knows what you are thinking and feeling is you. We are here, we are listening, and our hearts are hurting for you and with you. No judgments here. 

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Allen,

I think I must have a wee bit of male in me because I like to "fix things"...and grief is one of those things I just can't "fix", and learning to live with it isn't the answer I want, but sometimes that's all we have to work with.  You are recognizing the need for you and Katie to do some therapy together, so I hope you try it.  Don't let anything unglue your marriage.  Not even the grief monster.  Yes you have had back to back to back...and then some.  I think your mom was the glue that held the family together...but you have her in you.  Even your mom would have had a hard time with all this.  For 12 1/2 years I've lived without my husband here, it's been hard, but when things are the very hardest, I reach inside of myself for him, I talk to him, I draw from the strength and encouragement he always gave me, from everything I learned from him, everything he gave me, and in that way he is with me still.  He affected me not just for the time he had here on earth, but he affected me for life.  In this way you also still have your parents.  

And by the way, those pictures of Ryan are beautiful...the joy in life.  Thank you for sharing them with us!

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Thank you Marty and Kay.  Katie and I will definitely be going to marriage counseling.  We have out separate grief but we have the same grief as well. 

Caleb and Ryan are our reason for breathing.  

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I really miss these two gorgeous faces.  Neither I nor Katie have truly mourned them before my Dad took his life.  I wish this all wasn’t so overwhelming. 😢💔

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It feels like the entire world is going on and I’m just stuck stopped paralyzed with horrible reality.  This is the worst feeling.  

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Those two faces are hard to not miss!  You will always miss them, the trick will be in incorporating that into your life and still fully living for Caleb and Ryan...each other, and even your own selves.  I'm alone now, my kids are grown and I seldom see them, rarely hear from my daughter...when George died, I'd always thought we'd grow old together, but that didn't happen, I had to learn to build some kind of a life I could live and I had to learn to value myself enough to do for ME, which was a new concept to me, I'd always taken care of everyone else.  But it's in learning to value myself that has helped me make it.  I haven't suffered your losses, I can't begin to know how hard that is, I do pray the right counselor will help you find your way through this, along with all of our prayers.  I know God is with you, He's there even when we feel the furthest from Him, even when we don't see it and certainly don't feel it.  It's in looking back, later on, that we realize He was there all along.  I pray for comfort, peace, strength, encouragement, and even some joy to enter your lives...I know you can't see it now...that's when faith has to carry you and if you're not finding any, that's normal and natural, it only takes a mustard seed of faith, as Marg always reminds us, and I pray ours carries you until you find yours.

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Allen and Katie have taken Caleb to a children's psychiatric hospital as he is wanting to harm himself, he's inconsolable with grief.  They will see him on Sunday, the doctors want him evaluated without his parents there.  Please keep him, and them, in your prayers.

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Thank you for letting us know, Kay. My heart just bleeds for this very special family. Allen and Katie have strength that most us of cannot imagine. 

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