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Our 43rd Wedding Anniversary

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Day after tomorrow (March 7th) will be our 43rd wedding anniversary.  On March 7th, 1975 my wonderful wife and I started down a path together that we are still going down together. A random job interview brought us together in the fall of 1974. She became my boss the day I was hired for the job, and she is still my boss. What a wonderful life we had together. The worst thing we ever had disagreements about was leaving the toilet seat up sorts of things (I only made that mistake once---believe me!). We were lucky. We never fought over any of the normal marriage-shattering kinds of things. And we loved each other's companionship so very much. Our favorite times were when we had the sorts of jobs that allowed us to be around each other literally 24 hours a day. We never did need that break away from each other. Our worst times were the 20 or so years I was a truckdriver, and we were separated 28 or so days of each and every month. For us that was agonizing, but bills do have to be paid, don't they? Trucking company dispatchers go out of their way to not cooperate when a driver wants a day off. If those wheels aren't rolling, nobody's making any money. But in all those years I never missed being home for our anniversary. I had to throw more than one tantrum. It wasn't always easy to get there from here, but that special day was always that important to me.  Even making an enemy out of myself with my dispatcher (and being punished later via retribution) didn't matter. I was determined every year to be home with my bride on our anniversary, and always managed to be there.

Then, a couple of months before our 41st anniversary it was time to let her go. She had suffered and been miserable for pretty much all of 2014 and 2015. On January 1st, 2016 it was time to turn the ventilator off and allow her to go be with God. She has been with me spiritually every day since then, but this grief stuff was really tough for me for all of 2016 and 2017.  Fortunately so far this year things are some better for me. Those darned triggers that come along don't tear me up quite as bad now.  But I gotta tell ya. I'm not looking forward to day after tomorrow. I'm afraid it's going to be a tuff one to get through. But like everything else, it will come and then it will go. And life will go one, without my bride of 43 years. She will never be with me physically. That's what I miss. Being able to wrap my arms around her and give her one of my big ole hugs, look down into her eyes (I'm 6'3'', and she was 5' even), and tell her how much I have always loved her. I now have to wait until we reunite for eternity. Not everyone believes as I do. But knowing that we will reunite is what keeps me going. How totally wonderful that is going to be. Until then, what can I do but keep putting...

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Tom, I don't think it would be fair or right for me to preach or try to convert. I'll leave that to others that are a whole lot more qualified than I am.  But it is what I believe with all my heart. God's blessings, dear friend.

Darrel

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Darrel, I’m so glad you have that faith you will be together again.  I don’t and can’t make it happen.  I guess that is why they put it in the vows.  No one really knows and if they do, can’t tell us from that other side or if It even exists.  I don’t think I truly understood the mystery of death til this happened even tho I had lost others to it.  

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Hi Gwenivere and thank you. We all have a belief system that seems to work for each of us. Mine includes what works for me. It doesn't means it's right. Or that it's wrong. It just works for me. I have a fair number of affirmations I say each day. One is "I am completely at peace. I trust in the process of life".  And death I suppose. 

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1 hour ago, olemisfit said:

We all have a belief system that seems to work for each of us. Mine includes what works for me. It doesn't means it's right. Or that it's wrong. It just works for me. I have a fair number of affirmations I say each day. One is "I am completely at peace. I trust in the process of life".  And death I suppose. 

Dear Darrel,

you can be at peace as I also believe it´s right,all the more after I´ve experienced some things between these two worlds so far and it even makes my faith much stronger nowadays.God exists and there is nothing or no one to take it away from me anymore.He will never leave those ones who do believe in him and will always take care,no matter what.All that he wants is love.I think the faith you´ve got is wonderful and your post really touched my heart.I only hope that your anniversary is gonna be full of lovely memories that you cherish in your heart forever.

The day I die will be the happiest for me,because I know that my beloved Jan will come to take me with him.So I do the best I can to reach the place in heaven where he is waiting for me to be with him for eternity.It´s worthy of all the suffering I´ve been going through by now.

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This is my beloved man Jan...

Hugs from Janka

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Dear Janka, you and I seem to be trying to travel the same paths.  Your Jan must have been a wonderful person. You have such a beautiful love for him. My day this Wednesday will be spent dwelling on all the wonderful love-filled days my Cookie and I were lucky enough to share.One thing about 41 years together...there are a whole lot of memories. And it's always the little insignificant things that seem to matter and be so wonderful to think back on. I'll look at our photo album again at least once, for the umteenth time.  Because of a botched surgery that happened to me when I was pre-school age, we were never able to have children. So Cookie is up there at that Rainbow Bridge with all the puppies that became our children, just patiently waiting for my turn to be with them.  Knowing that I will be there joining them all one of these days does give me solace now. It keeps a smile on this old face of mine.

Be well, dear Janka. And keep smiling. I know Jan looks down and enjoys seeing that happy smile.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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16 hours ago, olemisfit said:

Hi Gwenivere and thank you. We all have a belief system that seems to work for each of us. Mine includes what works for me. It doesn't means it's right. Or that it's wrong. It just works for me. I have a fair number of affirmations I say each day. One is "I am completely at peace. I trust in the process of life".  And death I suppose. 

I like that, affirmations can be helpful.  Knowing that George and I will be together again gets me through this too, I honestly don't know how I could take it otherwise, so I'm glad for my beliefs.  Regardless of how we view what is to come, we are all fortunate in having had that person in our life that was the world to us...I pray that my daughter someday has someone that loves her like George loved me, what more could we ask for.

I will be thinking of, and praying for you, as you get through tomorrow, I know of no easy way through those days, but I talk to George a lot, I'm lucky that he always loved listening to me and didn't mind the verbiage.  ;)

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On ‎6‎.‎3‎.‎2018 at 12:05 AM, olemisfit said:

Dear Janka, you and I seem to be trying to travel the same paths.  Your Jan must have been a wonderful person. You have such a beautiful love for him. My day this Wednesday will be spent dwelling on all the wonderful love-filled days my Cookie and I were lucky enough to share.One thing about 41 years together...there are a whole lot of memories. And it's always the little insignificant things that seem to matter and be so wonderful to think back on. I'll look at our photo album again at least once, for the umteenth time.  Because of a botched surgery that happened to me when I was pre-school age, we were never able to have children. So Cookie is up there at that Rainbow Bridge with all the puppies that became our children, just patiently waiting for my turn to be with them.  Knowing that I will be there joining them all one of these days does give me solace now. It keeps a smile on this old face of mine.

Be well, dear Janka. And keep smiling. I know Jan looks down and enjoys seeing that happy smile.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

Dear Darrel,

I haven´t heard from you any longer,so I hope it´s a good sign that you´re feeling better at the moment.I just wanna let you know that I think of you and hope that you come here again to speak of how you´re doing now.It´s been the Easter and I long for talking with you as you and I have the same paths we´re walking on.Please,just know,that you´re in my thoughts and prayers.The ressurection of the Lord Jesus Christ may fill our hearts with a joy to see our loved ones in heaven again.

May God bless you!

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PS:I hope this bunch of snowdrops may bring a smile on your face.

Hugs from Janka

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Greetings Janka.  Sorry for not being back here for a while. My wife had a website that she was passionate about. I have kept in going since she passed. It's just another little way of feeling connected to her. I'm retired now. I had been a truckdriver until my retirement to stay home and be her caregiver her last 5 years. But the time I spend working on her website keeps me occupied, some days more than others. It really isn't work. It's a labor of love.

My  Easter Sunday was spent in a hospital emergency room, and then surgery. I had to have emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder.  The surgery was done Sunday afternoon, and I was released and back home the next day. Now I'm "enjoying" the post-operative pain. But this too shall pass. Here's hoping your Easter was more pleasant than mine was. hehe.

I always enjoy your posts. The photos, music, etc. are always a welcome touch.  I hope this finds you well, and in good spirits. Keep smiling dear Janka. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Darrel,

I had my gallbladder out a little over three years ago, you should be back to yourself within about 1 1/2 weeks.  Glad it's over!  Sometimes they can hurt us more than help us, good to get it out when it's like that.  What an Easter!

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17 hours ago, olemisfit said:

Greetings Janka.  Sorry for not being back here for a while. My wife had a website that she was passionate about. I have kept in going since she passed. It's just another little way of feeling connected to her. I'm retired now. I had been a truckdriver until my retirement to stay home and be her caregiver her last 5 years. But the time I spend working on her website keeps me occupied, some days more than others. It really isn't work. It's a labor of love.

My  Easter Sunday was spent in a hospital emergency room, and then surgery. I had to have emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder.  The surgery was done Sunday afternoon, and I was released and back home the next day. Now I'm "enjoying" the post-operative pain. But this too shall pass. Here's hoping your Easter was more pleasant than mine was. hehe.

I always enjoy your posts. The photos, music, etc. are always a welcome touch.  I hope this finds you well, and in good spirits. Keep smiling dear Janka. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

Dear Darrel,

there can´t be the happier time than the Easter is,we both know,because we have a hope for the better place to be,together with our most beloved ones and others close to our hearts,without this misery we´ve been going through here in this world.There will be no more tears,gloom,sadness,sorrow or pain.What a joy for those of us who believe in God the way we do!As well as for us two,I wish the same for everyone else.May they all get to know the love that saved our souls for eternal life,the best we could only imagine for us and our greatest loves waiting for us in heaven to come!I know at the bottom of my heart that my beloved Jan will come to take me away from here,for being as one,in eternity.Then I´ll be the happiest ever,because I´ll celebrate our love in arms of God.What more could we want?I do know!:)

So sorry for what you must have been going through lately,but I hope for the best to you!;)

I do understand how you try to remember your wife the way you do.I´ve also made a website dedicated to my beloved man Jan,and yet many other things in loving memory of himself.He may never be forgotten!I used to go on his grave every month or even more often,for so many years,until I did realize that mourning,suffering and crying on there could have made him so sad and stuck between two worlds.I did realize that I must stay sane and happy as well as he had always wanted being alive.I don´t know anybody around who used to go to see a grave the way I used to do,almost always,despite of such a distance,because his grave isn´t in the city I live in.So I´ve stopped doing the things like that lately,because I know that he is in heaven and I must be happy because of him.I couldn´t wish any better place to be for him,for us,for the greatest love we always had,we still have and we´ll have forever.:D

I don´t wanna do things that break my heart and pour such pain inside.I wanna remember him with love only in grace of God.That´s where I am at nowadays after the worst suffering I´ve been going through so far,and it´s been more than 6 years now.Those poems,photos,music and others may express the best way I feel for my beloved Jan forever.There is hidden my all that I cherish inside of me myself for eternity,because this love will never end.:wub:

I hope to hear from you again and get well soon,dear friend!:P

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For you...

From the heart...

Hugs from Janka...

 

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Dearest Janka,

What you said is sooooo right on point. Your beautiful love for Jan is reflected in every word you write.  There is nothing more wonderful than the kind of love we shared with our mates. After being my wife's caregiver for pretty much exactly 5 years, doing that wasn't nearly as hard on me as the day was that I was able to release her from her tired and worn out body, and allow her to go be with God. Actually saying the words to turn off the ventilator and allow her to pass peacefully was gut wrenchingly (did I just make up a word)  hard. But we had had our conversations about this over the years, and getting the words said was the only right decision. I've been alone now for 2 1/3 years, but this is a temporary hiccup. When my time comes to go and join her, this time it will be for eternity. As it will also be for you and your Jan. Where they are at now, they have no concept of time. The amount of time she and I are spending separated from each other is something  I notice, but she doesn't. She and Jan wait for us without feeling impatient. And what a reunion it will be for us, as it also will be for you and Jan. Knowing that we will one day be together again as well as the fact that it will be for eternity, gives me such a complete feeling of peace and tranquility. It somehow makes the crap I feel and experience now much easier to cope with. I hope you are able to have this same peace and tranquility. In your profile picture I see a woman with a contented and happy smile. I hope you never lose it.  I can't look at that photo of you smiling without wanting to smile myself. Peace and happiness dear one.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Dear Darrel,

you hit the nail on the head.My profile picture was taken by my beloved man Jan in the car before he died and the little rat in my hand was a darling of us two which used to be with me everywhere.It was the happiest time of my life on this earth and makes me feel good that you´ve noticed the way I smiled on there,because it shows how happy I was with him.He was the best man I´ve ever met in my whole life,no matter what may happen next or later.Your words have touched my heart and I´m so glad of talking with someone like you.It´s so rare to meet.We should celebrate the Easter every day of our lives to remember what a great things had made the Lord Jesus to all of us for being in eternal life together with him and our loved ones as well.I still pray every day and night for my beloved man,myself and all the rest of the world to be worthy of all the glory waiting for us in heaven.It´s beyond a comprehension,because all of those miracles,that we experience on this earth,are just a small pieces of what may wait for us when the right time comes.I´m happy that I´ve been able to get to this point of view I have in my faith now,after all of those years full of indescribable suffering and loneliness since he died.I have no close family anymore,except God,my best friends and more than 70 plush toys sitting on my bed.Most of them was bought by my beloved Jan,so I still feel the kisses of him when I hug them and kiss them too.Many times I wished to be much older than I am,because then I could be closer to him even more.It´s a long and so hard path I walk on,but there must be a reason to stay here any longer,many things to do,much love to give,a lot of people to help and so on.My beloved Jan was 26 y. older than me.It´s up to me now to end up this journey to the happiness waiting for me after.Your words about no concept of time are true.Heaven means past,presence and future together that makes a complete mosaic of eternal life,no start and no end.Everytime I felt sad,I spoke to myself:"What does mean this short time of misery compared to heaven that will last forever?"It´s worthy of all my tears.We both know it´s only a thorny path leading us to heaven and we must do the best we can to get there,to be worthy of that,to embrace our loved ones forever.

Talking to you is like a fresh breeze in a hot weather,so I hope to talk with you again.May God bless you!

PS:You spent your Easter in hospital,so I hope this may bring back a smile that you need.

Happy delayed Easter!

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With love Janka

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Good morning sweet Janka,

Thank you for the Easter bunnies! I chuckled when I saw them at the bottom of your post. Your good heart shows through your little touches. My goodness, but this old and troubled planet we live on just keeps getting smaller and smaller, doesn't it? Even in my wildest hallucinations I never would have imagined that I would ever have a "pen pal" in Slovakia. Life's surprises aren't always bad.The mental picture I get of your bed being covered by all the various plush toys you mentioned is delightful. What a treat that must be return home to that at the end of each day. And the fact that most of them were from Jan just makes them all that much more special. There's a little piece of Jan snuggled up inside each one. It isn't the same as having him still there of course, but there's no doubt but that they give you a lot of peace when you can curl up with them.  Do you have them insured? hehe

And God has blessed me , and still does in some wonderful way every day. Each time that I wake up to another new day is a blessing that I thank Him for each morning. It was His plan that brought me and Cookie together in the fall of 1974. It started out as just another random job interview at a motel in Oklahoma City. The second I saw her, it was love at first sight. To borrow a line from the movie Jerry McGuire, she had me with Hello. And it's through the Lord that your path and mine have intersected in this wonderful little way. 

Even though our paths hadn't crossed yet when it happened, I did notice when you cancelled you membership in this group for a while. I'm not even attempting to find out what happened to bring that about. It's none of my business, and shouldn't be. But whatever it was must have been pretty bad to cause you to even consider doing it. It brought me some happiness later on when I noticed you had re-kindled your membership. I wouldn't be able to visit with you now if you hadn't. God does work in mysterious ways, doesn't He?

My goal this year continues to be to find something each day to be happy about. I wish the same for you, dear Janka. May you never allow life to remove that delightful smile of yours. It's just one of your wonderful little gifts to everyone around you. Be happy. And be well. God's blessings.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Good evening,dear Darrel!

What a joy that has brought your post to me!Really,life still can be wonderful in many ways,by little miracles that happen to us.We still believe,with every breath we take,this is not the end.How could it be when God´s blessings reflect in precious people and valuable things we´ve got?I´m so happy that I´ve met another friend of mine in this life,at a long distance and yet so close,very dear to me that may bring a new wave of joy into my life and much needed smile on my face.Your beautiful heart touched mine and put the tears of happiness in my eyes.I´m thankful for this gift that makes my days more beautiful and thoughtful nowadays.God is great!Isn´t it?:D

My beloved Jan and your beloved Cookie are watching from above and waiting for us.We met the love that many others only may be dreaming of.I feel such a relief that I can talk about him with you the way we do,through the God.It may heal our broken hearts,so sore that sometimes it´s so hard to breathe at all,however we do because of the best reason ever,our belief that will bring us to our loved ones in eternity.:)

Send you many sincere greetings from Bratislava,the capital of Slovakia,situated directly on Austrian border,just an hour from Vienna.

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The Late Renaissance building,rebuilt in Baroque style after,situated on the left side,behind the tree,it only can be the Jesuit church I enter almost every day.:rolleyes:

With love Janka

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Dear, sweet Janka,

What beautiful photos of Bratislava and the countryside. Your city appears to be so pristine, quaint, and just good old fashioned pretty. My country isn't even  old enough yet to have the kind of history that these photos reflect. I've never been much of a traveler. I was stationed in Thailand for 2 years during the Vietnam war. That's the extent of my world travel. I've been in every state of the United States except for Alaska, and only one other country. This is a beautiful planet that we inhabit. I've just never been able to see much of it. Oh well, if that's my biggest problem, then I guess I really have nothing to complain about.

I feel extremely fortunate that God united the 2 of us in the quirky little way. God saw something in the commonality of what we both have experienced, and with His infinite wisdom He allowed us to "bump into" each other. The chats we have are already helping me to put one foot in front of the other with a more contented smile on my face. I am so grateful for us having this opportunity to have our little chats. I am most certainly benefiting from you, and I think you are as well. 

Wouldn't it be a wonderful side note if Jan and Cookie have encountered each other up above, and are keeping each other company while they wait for us to join them. We could keep ourselves occupied forever playing those kinds of little games with our thoughts, couldn't we? I wonder if there are any coffee shoppes in heaven where the 4 of us could meet for morning coffee and visit each morning? Don't mind me. I get silly sometimes when I'm strangely happy. 

I'm off now to walk my little companion ( a little chihauhau) before calling it an early night. I had a lot of pain during the night last night and didn't sleep very well. I look forward to tomorrow's installment. Thank you for being you, dear Janka.

 

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Dear Darrel,my precious friend!

I feel the same way as you do.There´re many blessings we get from God each day,we just have to notice them and do not take it for granted to live our lives as though it was for the last time.I try to live like that nowadays,the best I´m able to,more and more,day after day.I think this is the state of being I´ve been looking for so long.I´m the kind of person who feels much,thinks much,so at the end of the day I´m full of that all and I want to give all of me to God to be worthy of being in heaven,together with my beloved Jan that I pray for all the time.I´m very strong after all I´ve been going through by now,but I´m very sensitive as well.Tonight I was singing Taize songs,the sacral music in the church and then I tried to calm down and just sit there in peace.I had been studying the music long ago,singing and playing the piano since I was 7 y.o.After my beloved Jan died,I stopped doing it absolutely.I can hardly touch the piano he bought me at Christmas 2010.I´ve been trying till now,but it makes me cry.At the beginning I could not have even touched it,so much it hurt,so I´ve made some progress,I think.Writing about it still puts the tears in my eyes,because he always took a seat beside me and was listening to me for hours...

My beloved Jan,my love,my everything...:wub:

My good friend,we had been loved by our beloved ones so much that I never stop thanking to God for the greatest love we both have known in this life...I´ll always be here for you,whenever you need me to talk to,because you´re a dear friend of mine who gives me much needed understanding,support and warmth through the God we both believe in and I also take if for a gift from above...:)

Your idea of heaven put a smile on my face.Do you know that I´ve also been thinking about how it could be in there until we meet our loves again?I´ve read many books since my beloved Jan died.I had no forum at that time,so I was reading books dealing with a topic like that.Some of those people who experienced NDE (near death experience) said they saw something reminding them heaven.It were the good ones;the bad ones saw a dark side of the life after death,so I do the best I can to be worthy of the heaven only.I´ve experienced some things between these two worlds,including ADC (after death communication) too,with many signs from my beloved Jan that I´ve been describing on this site as well.I still take them for little miracles anyway,so I do believe in God as much as possible nowadays.The good ones,who talked about nice and pleasant things,so hard to express with words only,said they saw very similar things which we have here on earth,rivers,trees,buildings,not physical though,but more shining colours of flowers that we´ve never seen in this life and such beauty of the place,full of immense peace and unconditional love,impossible to describe by words at all.Well,I believe it´s real that our loved ones meet together,smile,laugh and talk to each other without human words about the greatest love they feel for us.One person who experienced the things like that,talked about God as a merciful and merry being anyway.The person thought it was God.I think that everything is possible there,so our loves are happy,having no concept of time,patiently waiting for us to come.:P

Knowing that my post is helping you,makes me happy and looking forward to your post again and again...:rolleyes:

Sorry that you still have such pain and wish you to get well soon!;)

Thank you for being here for me,dear Darrel!:D

May God bless you!

Heart-sky.jpg.5b1e4b4c70ffd0dbadcb43d933d72f1e.jpg

With love Janka

 

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 My Dear Janka,

Last night and today have been somewhat better for me. I got to sleep last night about 8:30 or so, got up once during the night for the restroom, and then didn't get up this morning til about 8:30. That long of a sleep is unheard of for me. Believe me-I'm not complaining. I needed the good rest. Each day the pain is a little less severe, and it has been pleasingly tolerable today.  I've been keeping busy today doing my house wifey duties. I'm making a pot of potato soup to have for a few mild, easy meals.

I mentioned that I would tell you about some of Cookie's After Death Communications. I usually just refer them as visits from her. They won't mean much unless I explain each one a little, but I'll try not to be unbearingly long. No point in turning this into a torture session. lol

The first one involved a butterfly. Shortly after Cookie passed, still during the first week of January, 2016 I was walking my little dog outdoors.  I was feeling really melancholy that day. I was walking along mostly just looking down at the ground, and I looked up and glanced over to a certain spot just as a beautiful green and pink butterfly was flying straight toward my head. This was happening in the month of January, with the temperature being about 35 degrees (F) or so. Not exactly prime butterfly season, right? When this butterfly got to me it flew around my head twice, and then flew away. Something else to think about with this...green and pink were always 2 of Cookie's favorite colors. I've had people question my sanity when I talk about these events, but I will always believe that this butterfly was Cookie's way of letting me know that she was okay, and that she wanted me to be too. 

Another involves a windchime. Cookie always liked them. There was one particular little one that was one of her favorites, so after she passed I hung it indoors, in a door frame going from a living room into a hallway. Where I hung it at, it was never in the path of any sort of breeze or wind current. By the time all these events have happened I was living completely alone, except for the little puppy. I was laying in bed one evening trying to read and I heard this little windchime tinkling. There was no breeze blowing through the apartment or anything else that would have caused it to tinkle. It just did. Was it Cookie again? My heart believes what it believes. 

I've got more, but my little puppy is letting me know that it's time to take her for a walk. So, off we go. God's beautiful blessings, dear Janka. 

My love to you,

Darrel

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Dear Darrel,

you´re in the same age as my beloved Jan would be this year being alive.As I already mentioned before,he was 26 y. older than me,but I never felt the age difference that way,because we both had our own world full of magical dreams.Most of them,those important ones,we made come true.He loved my snuggle buddies,from the smallest till those biggest ones as well,because they were mine and he always tried to be a part of my whole world.All of them became my family that I miss in my life,because I live all alone since he´s gone,so I´ve been talking to them and taking care by now.One of them,my lovely rat that you can see with me on my profile picture,our darling,he is my everything now that I can´t live without and still bring him everywhere I go.I have so many things on my mind I´d like to talk about with you,but I´m gonna do it,little by little,as time passes by.By the way,I love the word "puppy" that those of you living overseas use to say.It sounds to me lovely.That´s what does mean to me my cute rat as well.So the "puppies" are those who make a company to you and me nowadays.I´m so glad that you´re continuing to feel better.What a great news!We met under this grief tree and look how much joy and happiness we´ve got from each other´s company since then!And on top of that I must mention our belief in God that we draw upon the strength of.We try the best we can to go according to our strong values we´ve got and get through life having the hope for meeting our most beloved ones again.I feel a profound gratitude for this state of being we both reached out and for meeting you this way.We´re living far away from each other,and yet keystroke away only.That makes me feel happier than I used to be before,because our Lord let you come into my life and it makes my beloved Jan happy.Having such dear friend as a part of my present life is really the Godsend.What you write about those things happened to you I take for a sign,no doubt,and so I copy and paste the very first post I made on this site on the thread of mine "The loss of my beloved man" that I started in the 15th of March 2015:

"I´m a new member on here and I´ll be happy to share with others feeling tremendous pain and grief.It´s been not long ago and it still hurts.It was the last time I saw my beloved man early in the morning,smiling,kissing and talking to one another unforgettable words full of undying love.3 days later the phone rang.It was his brother telling me:"Jan is dead."My heart broke into small pieces,even now the tears are falling from my eyes.At that moment I was speaking to my beloved Jan,telling him everything from the bottom of my heart,desperately crying and hoping he does hear me,and he did.After hour rang a message from my mobile,so I entered the room we were sleeping 3 days ago to see and the sender was my beloved Jan,but message was empty.I think he was there while I was crying in the kitchen and let me know this way,so I entered the bedroom and at that moment I got the most beautiful evidence of his immortal love,because on the sheet of my bed was engraved a big heart.I´m sure he´s been by my side all the time,helping me hold on my way to home he´s waiting for me to come.I had to make a picture to believe it wasn´t just a dream.I found a place where I can say a few words for my beloved deceased,so I created my Memorial book dedicated to my beloved Jan.I can recommend everyone who is suffering and wants to do something for his beloved deceased person he´s thinking of.Thanks a lot for reading these words and everyone who has an understanding heart.I need to get to know those people which experienced a loss of beloved man or woman.I send to all of you the warm greetings from Slovakia."

So this is one of many posts of mine where it all started.

We´re blessed,my dear friend and I write all of this with tears in my eyes now again.

I only know that I´d sacrifice my life for our Lord to be with my beloved Jan for eternity.

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May God bless you,dear friend!

With love Janka

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Wow, my dear. Wow! How I ever felt your pain in that beginning post. But it really isn't pain, is it? It's anguish more than pain. You had just lost that one worldly thing  that held your world together. Your anchor that kept you grounded. I know all that because it's the same anguish I felt. And still feel every day. You make it so easy for me to talk about these things, because I know you understand every syllable of it. Unfortunately. Reading it made me cry a little bit. 

For some reason, I don't cry easily. To this day I have never had that hard cry after Cookie's passing that is supposed to be so helpful.  I don't know why. It just wouldn't ever come out. Heck, I went through almost my entire first year of grieving with no support of any kind. Cookie died on New Year's Day, and I didn't even happen upon this group until Christmas Eve of that year. I just got through each day trying to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't have to think.  The thinking drove me crazy.  I never even once seriously considered suicide. It would have been so easy to end all my anguish that way, but it just isn't in me to take my own life that way.  I used to wonder why the Lord left me alone like this after He brought us together back in 1974, and gave us over 41 delicious years together.  But by the end of her time here with me on Earth, her poor weak body was just worn out.  All of her sicknesses had just finally worn it out. Ending her struggling the way I had to  was absolutely the hardest thing I had ever had to do. But there is no way that a decision like that should be easy. I'm just so very thankful that God gave me the strength to say what I had to say that day.  She was in the critical care unit of the hospital she was in, and they kept her heavily sedated around the clock so that she wouldn't struggle or try to pull the tubes out. So when I gave the instructions to turn the ventilator off she wasn't consciously aware of what was even happening. I've always been grateful for that. She died painlessly, with her dignity intact. I pray that on the day you lost Jan that he was able to pass without pain or suffering.

I know that Jan and Cookie look down here at us now, and are pleased that you and I found each other. Having you to talk to this way makes me happy.  Our little chats give me something to look forward to each day. I think it's cute that you have all those little snuggle buddies, and that there's a little of Jan inside each one of them. I've told you some things about myself because I don't mind doing it, and I thought it would maybe help to get to know me a little bit. But I do want you to know that I in no way want or expect you to reciprocate. I didn't do it with that kind of expectation. Whatever you tell me is up to you, and should only be what you are comfortable sharing about yourself.  And if I should ever ask a question that you prefer not to answer, just don't. You won't offend me or hurt my feelings.

Gosh but I do get long winded don't I? I never was any good at saying things in one word or less. hehe  I hope your having a good and restful sleep tonight, with your little pieces of Jan in bed with you. Sleep well lovely Janka.

 

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Sweet One, never give up on your dream of making it to the Isle of Capri. What a beautiful place it is. I've never seen it. I just watched your video of it you had put on a post. Don't give up on life. We never know what's around that next curve.

Love Ya.

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Dearest Darrel!

I know what you talk about when you mention that you were walking at the beginning of your path with no support at all.I also had to be very strong;I had no forums,meds,supporting groups or anything of the kind as well.I was even going through all of the raw suffering all alone within 3 years;no family to go through with,no conselours to talk to,with that said nothing like that.All I´ve got by now is the God and the best friends of mine around.I was trying to keep myself busy all the time;I even went to work the next day after the call of my beloved Jan´s brother.I remember everything;it was on Sunday,at 1:21 p.m.,when it happened.I´ll never forget it.So,on Monday I went to work,to do survive,to do not lose a common sense,to do not think of the deepest wound I had at the bottom of my heart.Talking about it still hurts and always will,but I had to learn living with all of that.Those 3 years seemed to me the hardest because of the continuous pain throbbing inside.When I think about it,seems to me like yesterday,and yet I´d never want to experience such horrible torture once again.After those first 3 years happened to me something between these two worlds that I still can´t talk about,except the two best friends of mine.It made my belief in God so strong that I changed everything at all;all the more that my pain changed for the loneliness that seemed to be the worse than the pain I had been feeling earlier.I never thought there can be something worse,worst ever,the loneliness.Since then I was going through so many drastic circumstances in my life that my suffering reached the bottom after.It has been before now.Since the last year I renewed my life,my belief,my everything.I´ve found my way that I was looking for so long and this state of being I´m having nowadays,every day and night,it´s my world now.I´ve never had such belief in God as I have now,the things are getting right and I do the best I can to be with my beloved Jan again.I take it for the best way,because after my suffering reached the bottom,I experience the top of blessing now.We two,my dear,are sitting in the boat,navigating to the right way.I´m happy that we both have found a way for getting through and since I´m a new person anyway.I appreciate your friendship which does mean a lot to me.I copy and paste another of those signs I´ve got from my beloved Jan by now.It was written in the 18th of March 2015,on the thread of mine too:

"There are many signs my beloved Jan has been sending me so far,but the day before yesterday something happened again.I went to the church that me and my beloved Jan were going in.After the mass just ending up I went to see the relic of Saint Reparatus from the 4th century I had been visiting with my beloved Jan,hand in hand speaking to him as a patron of the love of us two listening to our prayers.I must remark that we had always been heard.I strengthened with those memories never stopped going there to talk to him about my beloved Jan,always begging for him,for both of us,again and again.The day before yesterday I did it too,coming to him with my prayers.I said: "If you only could do a miracle for me,please!" Then I went home,lit up a candle and took a seat to my laptop.After 10 o´clock p.m. I suddenly felt a well known feeling of the loved one´s presence.I felt those goosebumps all over my body,couldn´t move and it was like the warmest embrace of my beloved Jan every time he came to me.It always feels the same and the tears are falling down by themselves,but I wasn´t sure because of my father´s birthday he had today. Then I looked at my display and at that moment have disappeared all of the messages until the year 2011,remaining just all of those sending in the year 2011 while was my beloved Jan alive.He let me know this way that it was him.Later were all of missing messages right back where they were before. I looked at my clock and it was at 10:30 p.m. I´m sure it was the miracle I was begging for,there in the church. It touched me as deep inside as I couldn´t stop crying,even now the tears are falling from my eyes,but they are not those tears of sorrow,they are these tears of joy..."

My beloved Jan died 11.1111 at 1 o´clock.Seven digits explain it all.I´ve never met anybody who would have met the numbers like that.My most beloved one died in sleep,so he had no pain then,that clearly shows me how blessed he was...

I like our long post...There´s so much to talk about...With you I can write all of this and I do know that you´ll understand me,no matter what...

Sending you another one pic of my little rat...

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So cute he is...:rolleyes:

May God bless you,my precious friend!:)

Hope that you´ll have a nice sleep like this...:D

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With love Janka

 

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Good morning Sweet Janka,

In the fall of 1974 God brought 2 lonely souls together and allowed them to spend over 41 years of bliss together. And now He has done it again, hasn't He? You and I. It's a different kind of relationship this time, but it's the kind we both seem to want and need. So many of our experiences and feelings seem to be so identical. It almost seems uncanny. But then I realize that it isn't by coincidence that we were brought together this way. I thank God every day when He allows me to experience something, especially when it's something good. Having you in my life now in this way is most definitely something very good, and very needed. I thank God, and I thank you Janka, for this wonderful friendship. You are a treasure, dear one.

That miracle you described must have been truly awesome to experience. You didn't mentioned whether you felt any fear, but I suspect you didn't. I was never even one time scared by Cookie's "visits". Only feelings of happiness and wholesomeness. It eased my mind to know that she was okay,  and was looking in on me in those little ways. It eases my mind to know that your Jan passed so easily, in his sleep. You seem to be so very much like me (or vice versa), so I'm sure in your mind there was some consolation in knowing that Jan passed somewhat quickly and painlessly. You mentioned that Jan and I were about the same age. I was born in 1949. Cookie was a few years older than me. 7 to be exact. But it wouldn't have mattered if it had been 70.  When 2 people love each other that age gap just doesn't seem to matter, does it? Typing this makes me remember the day she confessed her real age to me. When we met and started dating she had fibbed to me about her age. Then about a week before our wedding the realization hit her that she had to be honest with me. She was so awfully afraid that it would matter to me. I just took her face in my hands and asked her to please never lie to me again. About anything. That was it. Nothing else needed to be said. The anguish she had put herself through over it to me seemed like more than enough punishment. After that, we spent 41 years being completely honest with each other about everything. 

I spent this past weekend not feeling very well. I don't get sick or down like this very often. I live alone now except for my little puppy. Cookie and I had both outlived our families, so there is no family to check in on me. The friends I have around here have their own problems and issues, so I try not to impose. And I guess I should admit that there were a few days last week that I thought I still had the stamina of a 20 year old. I just was trying to do too much too soon, and it cought up with me. Saturday morning I had to admit to myself that I'm not Superman. hehe So this week I just need to make myself do chores and such in smaller doses, and just allow my body the time it needs to heal after the surgery.

I'm including a photo of Cookie. It was taken in a book store we owned at the time, in 1985 or so. It isn't a very good picture. It was taken back in those dinosaur-era days before digital cameras, and I had tried to squeeze one too many pictures onto a roll of film. This picture came out a little flawed because of that. But it's hands down my favorite picture of Cookie. She always had such a beautiful smile, and sparkle in those beautiful eyes. Those are the eyes that watch over me every day now. 

I like your little rat. It's so cute with that big eyeball.  There's still a kid in all of us. How fun it must be for you to cozy up with all those snuggle buddies at bedtime---and other times too.

I pray you are well today.

With love, my treasured friend,

Darrel

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My dear Darrel,

I can see in her eyes how happy she was then.Oh,how I miss those 80´s!My aunt,who had emigrated to Germany,was sending me a clothes like that.I notice,it´s all coming back now,because the fashion of those years was so unique by all means.I remember how I got my 1st shirt with Mickey mouse,or umbrella with Donald duck,and yet many other things that we could have got at that time in Tuzex only.It was in 1989 when I started my study at the Conservatory.It all puts a smile on my face now.It´s nice to talk about things that pour a joy into my life.:D

Today,being on the Mass,I prayed for my beloved Jan and your beloved Cookie as well.I pray for everyone,including people in this forum,hoping they may find a way in their grief too.May God bless all of us!:P

All those visits of my beloved Jan have been full of tears and happiness that I could spend for a few minutes,sometimes about an hour,close to him,feeling as one again.However it happens less as time passes by.I think that´s why I stopped going on his grave lately.He is not here or there anymore and I don´t want him to be stuck between these two worlds at all.His home is heaven now,so I try my best to get there too.Although I feel him less frequently nowadays,I know it has to be this way.

Despite of that,our loved ones love us too so much and every chance they get,they try to remind us.:)

I agree that age is just a number.Me and my beloved Jan spent together 5 years only,but those 5 years meant to me much more than 50 years to someone else.I still have messages from him saved in my phones and reading them still hurts,however makes him alive while reading them.He was writing me that he loved me in every message I´ve got by now...When I need him to tell me good night,I just open his message and it feels the same...So much love I was getting all the time...

That's something neither person,time nor space can take away from us...:wub:

We both have no family around,so I do understand how hard it must be for you now...If I´d live in your country,would be going to see you as often as possible to make your days more bearable and happier as well...I do it this way at least,the best I´m able to,and I always will...;)

Send you pictures of the place I planned to visit with my beloved Jan on the summer 2012.We had already chosen a house of dreams and were about reservation in there.It´s situated in Positano (Nocelle),near Napoli,with amazing sea view and Capri that I already mentioned in my post and video that you watched on here before...:rolleyes:

This is the house...the house we should have lived in for a week...just me and him...

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5acbfa3361230_CasaOsvalda9.jpg.4fbf1672a7b332f11ff2a975fa0c39a7.jpg   5acbfa05c35c5_Nocelle-PositanoCasaOsvalda.jpg.2bf80190ce15ffe6cb9077f497c95813.jpg   5acbf9e263c63_CasaOsvalda2.jpg.d619a1412162cd34cc47b55f9640cfa8.jpg

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My eyes filled with tears seeing all of this again...so beautiful it is...the place I´ve dreamt up...

Thank you,my Lord,for all the blessings in my life!And thank you,dear friend,for having you in this life now!

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With love Janka

 

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