Mom passed away march the 4th.

[LouisAlexander]

never thought i would post here always knew this day would come. Im mentally unhealthy and unstable and now i lost my mother. It started with leg pains and went to a mental healt clinic the signs already began she begged for her mom to get her because the pain was unabreable this was months ago. Eventually she got stable but the pain was still there. I thought everything was going to be alright but no. She fell at a balcony door and broke her hip yelling for help for 4 hours until my dad discovered her but the damage alrdy has been done, her hip operation went good but she had an infection after a couple weeks because she laid outside on her wound too long..once my dad told me we didnt go i just couldnt see her like that...but it was over quick within 4 days her fever was so high she wouldnt survive it. We went to the hospital last night i just cried and the doctor explained the situation i couldnt say nothing i kissed her and left, my dad tried to talk to her but shes gone its machines keeping her alive she passed away alrdy.

Im having such a hard time because in the past i wasnt always the best son we got into fights before it even went so bad i went to jail for a day and send away from home. I quit using drugs and got my own home now...finally things where getting better but she passed away now...and the grief is immense im getting sick myself my whole body cant handle the stress and anxiety anymore..

 

I didnt get to say goodbye, and i have to live with the guilt all of my life that i wanst the best son and said some terrible things i didnt mean... i am alrdy diagnosed with severe anxiety and now this, she knew i loved her very much...she knew it was the end before she even broke her hip...and it was...she said she felt so bad for me and my dad cause she knew how it would damage us and things will never be the same.. she also requested i do stand besides her coffin and make a speech because what it will do to me...

.i have no friends nothing...my dad doesnt want me over for a few days and my aunts cant deal with me coming over just yet..having to deal with this all alone is the worst feeling i ever had.

[Sweetwater]

You have to know your Mom loved you more than life.  So many of us have lost our dearest Mom's and many of us have said things we regret, somethings silly things, sometimes a little worse, but Mom's are Angels, always, and they forgive us, ... we are their children.  You have to know she knows you went to see her, that you loved her unconditionally.

 

Your Mom will always look over  you as your Guardian Angel... that's for sure... but in the meantime you need to take care of yourself.  Find a counseling group, or a grief group.  That's what I did.  I had located 3 churches in my area that had a grief group and there are people in the same boat as I, all with the same pain, sharing their stories, and comforting one another.  Your Dad needs his time too now... that's not uncommon... give him some time, but take care of you.  look for a group, and as you gain some comfort and strength, you can help your Dad.  If people are upset during the time, it serves no value... be kind to one another, understanding of one another's personal needs, but take care of each other, from close or afar.   Be strong.  you will come through this but it takes time.  Know that your Mom is always with you.  

[MartyT]

I agree with all that Sweetwater has said to you, Louis, and I hope you will take her sound advice to heart. Coming here is fine, as we will offer all the information, comfort and support we can give to you, but given your own health history, I don't think this alone will be enough to meet your needs. I also want to suggest to you that the best way you can demonstrate the love you have for your mom is to live a good life in her honor. Believe that her love is with you still, and let that love be her lasting legacy to you. ♥

[LouisAlexander]

thank you for your replies yes i will need a grief group and most likely need counseling to deal with this or i will get sick and stop living my life its not what she wanted its just sad she never saw this in me.

 

thanks again means a lot to me.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Losing our mom can be one of our hardest losses to get through, they are the one that is there for us since we were born.  My own daughter rarely calls, hasn't been here in years, she only lives 1 1/4 hours away.  I want you to know that we wish only good for our children and when they go through hard places in life, we love them through it all, your mom would not want you suffering.  She would be so proud of you for getting off drugs and getting a place of your own.  The others just want to make sure there won't be problems, so give them time so they can see how far you've come, they'll see, just give it time.  I'm sorry you're having to go through this alone...but often our grief IS done alone because our relationship is unique and so is our grief.  It REALLY helps to get grief counseling.  I've learned so much here over the years, I joined after losing my husband, but now I've lost my mom too and now my sister is dying although she isn't going as fast as they predicted, it can be hard to live with death knocking at the door.

Like Marty said, live a good life in her honor.  I believe they know, their body gave out but their spirit went through a passage and continues.  God be with you in your journey.

I want to say one thing, I learned in my grief journey that I am now my own best friend.  That means I have to be understanding, patient, and yes even forgiving of myself, the same way I would to a best friend...so many of the ones who loved me are gone now, so I am it, I need to fill that role, and I'm trying...it helps.  I hope you can learn to do the same, it might be good to talk to a grief counselor about.

[LouisAlexander]

thank you for your response kayc really makes sense and its true thanks for the reply i really appreciate it.

[pam4him]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like Mom was your cheerleader in life.  Moms are like that, no matter what we do, they love us.  Try to comfort yourself in the knowledge that she knew you loved her and she most likely forgave you for the past, especially since you got off drugs,  have a home, etc.  As for the family, people grieve differently and it may just be too hard for them right now.  Perhaps you can reach out to them in your speech.  Perhaps mention how she stuck by you, always wanting better things for you.  Was she your inspiration to leave the drugs and create a better life? Maybe talk about how you hope to honor her memory by being the son she knew you were.  Try not to feel guilty, you did tell her bye when you kissed her.  It sounds like you both knew it was time.  Please consider checking into www.griefshare.org for resources to support you through this.  Again, my condolences and prayers are with you.  

[LouisAlexander]

Thank you Pam yes its especially rough now i called my aunt a few days ago and after the funeral i will visit her sometime we talked some... my family is devasted especially her sisters who have been through a lot in life already.

About the speech, my mom told my dad she did not want that i stand besides her coffin and do a speech. I think she knew how hard this is gonna be for me since i always struggled to keep my head up and be an adult. So i respect this wish and i will not do this, leave this for my aunts and my dad to do so.

 

Thank you for the kind words.