Mom finds comfort, I feel grief

[mik]

My father passed away last week. I am living at home with my mom. I'm surrounded by my father' s things. He built the home they lived in, all his clothes are in the closet.  Everything is just as it has been except he is not here. When Dragon and LC died I was not surrounded by their belongings. Dragon insisted that I return home before he passed on and LC died in the hospital and I had a already moved back with my parents. I boxed all of his items and have just recently have taken them out of storage. But now, since I live at home with my mother I am surrounded by my dad' s items and it makes it so difficult to manage day to day without breaking down and crying. My mother on the other hand says she is comforted by my dad's things. She feels close to him.  We both live in the same house.  I cannot ask her to box up dad's things.  I am wondering, perhaps by being surrounded by his things, it may be a better way to grieve for the loss of my dad?  Since I tried to put Dragon and LC's death "in a box" so to speak, I wasn't confronted daily by items that reminded me of them. Does any one think that being around constant reminders of my Dad will help me to "grieve in a more healthy manner" than boxing up items that I see that cause me pain and grief? It' difficult when two people grieve in such different ways but live together in the same house. If anyone has any thoughts on this I would appreciate any feedback you might provide.

[kayc]

I am so sorry.  This is really tough because we all grieve differently and what brings comfort one day, well it can be the opposite another day.  When my husband died, I remember putting his pictures up, taking them down, up, down, depending on how it made me feel.  I finally left them up to stay.

You won't be able to put things in boxes because it's your mom's house and it brings her comfort.  But maybe some things can be boxed up and stored, that's something you'd have to talk to her about.  When you look at these items, allow yourself to feel the comfort it's bringing your mom, try to see it in that positive light.  As for your own bedroom, perhaps you can have it free of reminders if that helps you so that at least when you retire for the night, you feel more comfortable.

Sometimes people get rid of things in an effort to avoid the pain of grief, not be reminded of it.  We learn we can't avoid it, it finds us, hunts us down, begs us to deal with it.  If there were a place we could go to avoid this pain, we surely would have found it by now.

[Mom22Feb]

I am sorry for your loss. My mother was the opposite. When my father died she gave away his things and had my brothers take his old army uniforms right after he died. It would have been nice to have a few things. She had many losses in her life and was not sentimental in the way of needing the material possessions.  We all process grief differently. It has only been 2 weeks, so give her some time and then perhaps talk about what is most important to her to keep.  You may start looking at his things and be reminded of good memories. I do not think pain and grieving are bad, or to be avoided. Give yourself time as well, however long it takes, which is different for everyone. As you said, it is difficult because it is her house and you will probably move out eventually.

[mik]

Thank you for your responses. This is so hard!  I take comfort that this group and the individuals who have also lost so much are here for me. It brings me comfort where no comfort can be found...thank you!

[kayc]

My mom was also the opposite.  I sat next to my mom at my dad's funeral...I cried, she did not.  She came home from his funeral and immediately cleaned out their closet, began throwing his things away.  I tried to get her to wait and let my BIL price and sell some of my dad's things (he had an eye for rare and expensive collectibles) but nope, she wouldn't even wait for that, she just got rid of everything.

We don't all handle things the same, all we can do is respect each other's differences.  Hopefully you and your mom can find a comfortable compromise among the two of you.