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Three years ago I lost everything. The woman of my dreams, who I loved like no other, was taken from me in an instant.

Wednesday March 4, 2015... 

Tammy had come home after another life and death medical emergency and an extended stay in the hospital and rehab place.  I finally felt like the world was where it should be. Tammy was back in our bed and my beautiful bride and I were sharing the same bed. So much better than her in a hospital bed and me curled up in a chair next to her. I remember thinking how beautiful she looked when we were leaving the rehab place. Tired but oh so lovely. Tammy left via an ambulance and I followed them in my car. It was a horrible weather night. Torrential rains were going to turn to a snowstorm on Thursday. As we approached or neighborhood, the ambulance drivers took a wrong turn on the way to our house. I parked my car in front of our house and frantically ran to try to find where they were. All the while I was getting soaked in the freezing rain. I finally found them and they helped Tammy into the house and upstairs to bed. Tammy was exhausted and went right to sleep. That night I felt like our world was back on track. The future was bright for us... at least that's what I thought.

Thursday March 5, 2015...

This was a fairly uneventful day except for the horrible 10" of snow we were getting. I wasn't able to get to go to the pharmacy to get Tammy's meds so I'd have to wait til Friday morning. It was a good day overall. Tammy still felt weak though and wasn't able to do her exercises. I changed a few things around in an exercise area of our house to accomodate Tammy.

Friday March 6, 2015...

I got up very early to clean the snow off the car and our sidewalks so I could get to the grocery store and pharmacy. I told Tammy I loved her and made sure she was OK before I left. Came home with her meds and some food including the ingredients to a special meal I was making. She loved my cooking and she loved corned beef. So, a delicious corned beef supper was cooking away. I worked on a few safety items in the bathroom that would help Tammy. Tammy and I were watching some TV shows and I brought up a little snack for us to eat. Around 12:30 PM or so she said she was rolling over to take a nap. Not unusual at all as Tammy did sleep quite a bit.

During the afternoon I was doing some chores around the house and checking in to make sure Tammy was OK. Around 3 or so Tammy got up and I was talking to her but she seemed confused. I wasn't sure what was going on. I called my brother in law (a physician) and asked if it was possible that the new narcotic med Tammy just got could be causing her confusion. He said it was possible and that put my mind at ease. I also called Tammy's mom in Illinois to update her on Tammy.  Tammy seemed very restless and again I thought maybe it was the new med. Then she told me she was having trouble breathing and I called 911. While on the phone Tammy said it was a false alarm and that she was "sorry I scared you".  I felt so much relief.

She went back to bed but the breathing issue came back and I called 911. And it was BUSY!! I called again frantically was put on hold! How is this possible?? Finally I got through and the EMT people finally arrived. Tammy was not doing well at all. I felt so helpless. So scared. I saw frightened the look in her eyes and she struggled to breathe. She looked up and said "help me!" help me!" and they put the oxygen mask on her. And those words will always ring in my ears because they were the last gut wrenching words I heard Tammy speak.

I lost Tammy shortly after. I'm crying now and it's too painful to type out the rest of the story of that day. Tammy should still be here. 45 year old people aren't supposed to die. Why did she have to suffer so much throughout her life? She was a kind, gentle, loving, beautiful, funny, sweet person and she was my whole world. My whole life. My happiness. My love.

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March 6, 2018...

Three years later, I'm still hurting. I went to work but my heart was elsewhere. Reliving the traumatic events of three years ago. The events that changed me and changed my life forever.

I got a text today from Tammy's sister Tracey. She wrote "Thinking of you today. Remembering Tammy and how much she loved you!". I was just glad no one but me was in the break room at work when I read that because I burst out into tears. Tammy was perfect for me. I was the bread, she was the butter. We meshed together so amazingly. We truly were those proverbial two peas in a pod. A day never went by we didn't tell each other how much we loved one another. It was us against the world. Our life wasn't easy but we had each other and love overcame it all. With Tammy I knew my place in the world and it was being Tammy's knight in shining armor and her being my special bride.

And now alone, my life is so different. I'm trying to find some meaning. Trying to find a way to see some real happiness. Some glimpse of a future that feels fulfilling. For now though, it's still one day at a time and getting through another 24 hours in one piece emotionally. It hurts so much because Tammy deserved so much more time in this life. I'm not just saying that for selfish reasons. This world lost one of the best of the best when Tammy died. The sun shines a little less bright now.

I miss Tammy with every fiber of my being. That pain will linger forever. I accept that and understand that. It's the price of finding my true soul mate and the intense love and bond we shared. I'm a better person today because of Tammy. Our life together and the love we shared is etched forever on my soul. I love her forever and always for eternity. I still have a life to live but ultimately Tammy and I will be reunited in some way. It has to be that way. We were meant for each other.

Mitch

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Mitch,

I fell the same way about my beloved, Rose Anne. She died 16 days before.  The grief and pain is real. Believe me when I say, I understand. - Shalom

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Same here, Mitch.  Going on 3 and a half years and aching more and more.  I don’t relive those last weeks if possible.  I am grateful I have learned to block those out.  It’s the memories of our good times that pierce my heart.  Tammy was so young, it truly wasn’t fair.  All of. Us feel cheated by nature and it’s cruelty.  The same thing that gives us snuggly puppies and rainbows has a dark sinister side too.  I’m used to the people at the nursing home in thier 80's and older dying.  Most feel they had full lives, they have a contentment.   I tell them Steve’s age and they just shake thier heads at the unfairness.  

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Dear Mitch, I understand what you mean. I think any of us felt the same about our spouses. We could replace names ages and pronouns, and we all feel the same about them and about loosing them.

My boyfriend was 31. . I have the same questions you make. I firmly believe he would have been one of those people who would have made a bunch of difference in his world. Why he was taken away from us? There is a book that offers a reply, but it's too sad. Probably because it's true. The best, they just leave earlier. I don't know. In the end It doesn't matter. 

I'm too at year 3, and during this time I have accepted what I carry with me because of this love that death did not killed. It doesn't make my life easier, it questions me every day about every aspect of an enxistence I never thought would be the result of true love.

We are here to confort you when there is no much confort to give. But we understand.

Peace.

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14 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I still have a life to live but ultimately Tammy and I will be reunited in some way. It has to be that way. We were meant for each other.

This says it all.  I know the pain, I know the aloneness (not to be confused with solitude), I know the pain, the yearning, it is our constant companion.

1 hour ago, scba said:

We are here to confort you when there is no much confort to give. But we understand.

You speak for all of us, Ana.

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2 hours ago, scba said:

The best, they just leave earlier. I don't know. In the end It doesn't matter.

I think the same,dear Ana.My beloved man was the best I´ve ever met in my whole life,therefore I believe it brought him to heaven.If it wasn´t the right reason,so there must be another one I always speak to myself that his death and all of my suffering brought him there too.There are no words to describe how much I´ve suffered since he died.Seems it´s the only way to be worthy of being in heaven,together with them,happy for eternity.Nobody is perfect,though in my eyes my beloved Jan will always be like that.It´s once for a lifetime only,no matter what´s gonna happen after.We all had what others can only be dreaming of and I myself am thankful for...

Love-forever.gif.82f306f0d6735c31288eb35d5607cc01.gif

Hugs from Janka

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Mitch. I hear you and share the feelings. This is my 1 yr anniversary month. On 3/1 we left for a wonderful camping trip in the Virgin I. Susan had the cough that it seems was a warning, but we never had a thought that she had a life threatening condition. Actually the cough was not as bad in the Caribbean sun so I thought that meant it was weather related. Today we returned to Boston, and on 3/31 she died. She was to the doctor twice about the cough, which got worse. First tme they said she probably did not have pneumonia, second time, morning of 3/31, they said she might have pneumonia and prescribed an antibiotic which I brought home. She died over 10-15 min while I was in another room downloading a book. 48 years of unconditional love and we didn't get to say goodbye and I couldn't thank her. Nobody now to tell me "don't worry about it" when things bother me.  Nobody to call me 🐼. I know the infinitely well organized Susan would not have wanted to die in the bathtub. She would have invited all her siblings, friends, and family for goodbyes.  She would have given me instructions for how to live the rest of my life and what to do with our posessiona and money.

I was going to have a 1 yr memorial on the actual day 3/31, but since it's holidays I was getting a lot of Nos. So I've moved it to to 4/7. That leaves me with the need to make a plan to get through 3/31.

Everyone tells me I'm doing what I need to do, but the way I see it now is I'm living a fake life. My real life was with Susan. Or sometimes I think of myself as a ghost silently moving around the real people. Will real life v2 emerge? No idea.

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2 hours ago, TomPB said:

Everyone tells me I'm doing what I need to do, but the way I see it now is I'm living a fake life. My real life was with Susan. Or sometimes I think of myself as a ghost silently moving around the real people. Will real life v2 emerge? No idea.

"Fake life" is an interesting way to put it, Tom. Unfortunately this life is oh so painfully real. But I totally understand what you mean. We had everything we needed in life. It wasn't about possessions or money, it was all about being with the one person that truly made you whole. They made you better. You were part of a team and you shared an unbreakable, undying love.

This life isn't fake but it sure feels empty and mostly meaningless. But, this is all we have to work with. With Tammy by my side I knew my place in this world and knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Now, I don't have a clue. I do what needs to get done, sure, but life doesn't have any real zest to it. It's tedious and it's often me just going in circles. I guess this is sadly my "real life V2" as you called it. Or maybe it's just the beta version of V2 because I have a bunch of kinks to work out. :wacko: I can only hope and keep on plugging along.

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Mitch, we understand each other perfectly, it's just a matter of language. A friend once said re the end of his drinking "I was alive, but there was nothing of life left in me". That's how I feel a lot of the time. Not always, there are some moments, but a lot.

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A little example from today.  I had a comprehensive eye exam and everything was as good as it could possibly be, for a guy with a +11 prescription LOL. A year ago that would be something to share and be happy about with Susan. She'd smile and say that's good news, 🐼. Now it doesn’t seem to matter as much. Who cares? 

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23 hours ago, TomPB said:

Everyone tells me I'm doing what I need to do, but the way I see it now is I'm living a fake life. My real life was with Susan

Funny you mentioned ghost because I've often thought of this as a ghost life...it's like this life is a mere shadow of what we once lived.  We took for granted that it would always continue, but it didn't, it ended abruptly.

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On 3/7/2018 at 7:07 PM, TomPB said:

A little example from today.  I had a comprehensive eye exam and everything was as good as it could possibly be, for a guy with a +11 prescription LOL. A year ago that would be something to share and be happy about with Susan. She'd smile and say that's good news, 🐼. Now it doesn’t seem to matter as much. Who cares? 

Yep that's exactly it. Let's face it, life isn't easy. But with our spouse in the world those rough days were a lot easier and the little joys were that much more joyful. Now alone, there's a whole lot of shrugs of the shoulders and "whatevers" replacing any sense of accomplishment or happiness.

I guess the challenge is to somehow transform those "who cares" feelings into a sense of pride in ourselves. Fact is, just getting here and functioning is quite an accomplishment. Unfortunately, we can't change what happened so all we can do is cherish the life we had and move forward with our spouses love in our heart.

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Mitch:  Your post was so heartfelt.  My thoughts are with you....Cookie

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