An ache like none other

[A&K]

My mother heart and soul is really getting hit with an ache so deep I don’t know what to do with it all. Allen just tried to fix things.  How is the death of Lily Lila Noah and Gracie fixable...   

its not acceptable to lose a child.  My heart is so hurt and lost.  💔😢.  

Our Caleb is in the hospital still getting well. He’s been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  He’s my hero he’s working so hard.  He’s met a couple close friends in there.  

I ache for the children we have lost.  I thank god for Caleb and Ryan.  

Katie. 

[enna]

 Hi Katie,

Of course, your heart and soul are aching.  And it absolutely is not acceptable to lose a child let alone four.  This is not something that needs to be” fixed” and I’m sorry you feel that Allen is trying to “fix” things…  I am sure he is not but perhaps only trying to support you in your deep pain.  I believe that Mother loss can only be understood by a mother and cannot be compared to any other loss.  

I know how much you love each one of your children and Caleb and Ryan will continue to give you a run for any energy you have or don’t have.  Know that we have you in our thoughts and prayers. We are always here to listen.

Anne

[KarenK]

Katie,

I hold you close to my heart as I understand at least part of the soul wrenching pain you are in. A year after I lost my husband to cancer, I watched my baby lose her battle with the same horrible disease. She was not a baby, but she was my baby, my firstborn. The losses are the same, yet completely different. Somehow, I have come to accept that the man who slept beside me for 40+ years will never be here again, but I don't believe that I can accept that she is gone. It is abnormal for my life to continue and not hers.

No one can "fix" the heartbreaking losses of your little ones or my older little one. It is not possible. Perhaps this is Allen's way of coping. He must feel so lost also.

I am glad that Caleb is responding to the help that is offered. He must be so very confused as to what has happened to your beautiful family. He is so precious as well as baby Ryan.

Noah, Gracie, Lily, and Lila will always be nearby. They are right there in your heart. That is where I keep my Debbie.

Karen

[kayc]

There is no "fixing" this, it's unnatural and oh so hard.  (((hugs)))

[MartyT]

Katie, my dear, my heart reaches out to you and Allen in your pain and sorrow. The losses you've endured are beyond measure, and I am so sorry. I know that you and Allen have been in counseling, so I assume you already know that everyone deals with grief in his or her own unique way, and what you describe as Allen's "trying to fix things" may be one way he is trying to cope. As I've written in my post How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences, 

Like everyone else in our Western culture, men are saddled with certain sex role stereotypes. Real men are supposed to be tough, confident, rational and in control, not only of themselves but of situations as well. Real men don’t cry, aren’t afraid of anything and would never be caught asking for directions, let alone for help. Real men know exactly what to do in a crisis, and they’re strong enough to support the rest of the family, too. If they cry or otherwise express their emotions, such behaviors are considered to be signs of weakness. Add to these stereotypes the assumption that, if a man’s grief doesn’t show or he doesn’t express thoughts and feelings of grief the same way a woman ordinarily does (by crying or by openly sharing with others, for example), then he must not be grieving at all.

In general, men are more often instrumental mourners. When men suffer the loss of a loved one they tend to put their feelings into action, experiencing their grief physically rather than emotionally. They deal with their loss by focusing on goal-oriented activities which activate thinking, doing and acting. Rather than endlessly talking about or crying over the person who died, for example, a man may throw himself into time-limited tasks such as planting a memorial garden or writing a poem or a eulogy. Such activities give a man not only a sense of potency and accomplishment as he enters his grief, but also a means of escaping it when the task is done. If a man relates the details of his loss to his closest male friends, it’s likely to be around activities like hunting, fishing, sporting events and card games. Although a man may let himself cry in his grief, he’ll usually do it alone, in secret or in the dark.

When both of you are mourning such overwhelming losses, it can be difficult to turn to each other for the comfort and support you each need and deserve. I hope with all my heart that you have someone outside your circle who can fill that role. Of course we're all here for you and Allen, and will continue to be ~ but you both need and deserve so much more than that. ♥

[A&K]

Thank you ladies for your kind words and understanding.  

KarenK I’m so sorry you too lost a child.  I’m so very sorry.  

Allen knows he can’t fix things or my heart.  He is helpless to fix any of the agony.  But he takes after his Dad in that respect.  😢

[A&K]

These are recent pics of Ryan. He looks and acts just like Gracie did.  He touches my soul with so much joy.  However I’m so terrified of losing him like we lost Gracie.  

I thought you’d enjoy seeing him.  In all his elements.  PS— he loves spaghetti  😜

Katie

[A&K]

Allen is a very angry man right now.  Rightfully so. But he quit therapy.  I can’t force him to go back.  He works comes home plays with Caleb and Ryan and puts them to bed.  But with me he’s rigid cold and angry.  I know it was my fault Noah died.  Maybe it’s my fault the girls and Gracie died because I didn’t carry them long enough.  But that was not in my hands.  He gets upset at my fear and sadness.  I know his anger is stemming from finding his Dad dead.  But yesterday was six months since Gracie died.  💔😢

[kayc]

My dear Katie, I'm so sorry you are going through this dark place right now.  You are not to blame for any of their deaths.  Therapy can be painful as it brings everything to the surface and forces you to deal with it, but Allen will find his own way through this in his time.  You are right in that you can't control him.  But neither should you accept "blame" for deaths that you couldn't foresee or control. 

Your little Ryan looks to be a spark of joy in an otherwise very hard time.  We always enjoyed pictures of Gracie, and even as similar as they are, I can tell the difference, Ryan is Ryan.  How is Caleb doing?  

[iPraiseHim]

14 hours ago, A&K said:

Allen is a very angry man right now.  Rightfully so. But he quit therapy.  I can’t force him to go back.  He works comes home plays with Caleb and Ryan and puts them to bed.  But with me he’s rigid cold and angry.  I know it was my fault Noah died.  Maybe it’s my fault the girls and Gracie died because I didn’t carry them long enough.  But that was not in my hands.  He gets upset at my fear and sadness.  I know his anger is stemming from finding his Dad dead.  But yesterday was six months since Gracie died.  💔😢

Katie,

Allen has a right to be angry. 

I was in such shock when I discovered my wife was dead when I returned home from work.  I too would have been very angry if I found my wife the way Allen found his father.  As men, we are taught that we are in charge, in control, and to manage the situations of life.  This is beyond unimaginable.  Also, each person deals with anger and grief differently.  Allen will find his way through this grief.  He is not angry at you but at the situation.  It takes time to deal with all of this.  Ask Allen how you can best show him love and support. Continue to be the loving wife you have always been.  Tell him what you need.  MEN cannot read minds.  We do much better with exact instructions. Hints don't work.  

Katie, to take the blame for Noah's death may FEEL right to you but it is not the FACT.  The Fact is that things happen in life that is beyond our control.  Unless you purposely killed Noah it is not your fault.  I went through all of the scenarios when my wife died trying to find some way to blame myself.  If I could of blamed myself, then I could understand why her death feels so bad. Alas, I did not and neither did you.

Grief is painful, hurts and just plain SUCKS.  But as the mother you did and continue to do the best you can for your children and family. As you mentioned, you had no choice when your children came to term.  So continue to seek help and learn some tools that MartyT gives us and all of the other great people in this forum.  We care about you, Allen, and your family.  Our hearts, mind, and soul are with you. - Praying... Shalom

[A&K]

Thanks Kay.  Caleb is doing great.  He’s very attached to Ryan and to his daddy.  He wants to go back to public school.  We are going to respect his decision. 

[A&K]

Thank you.  I’m trying to give Allen the space he needs.  I keep asking what he needs.  And he says he doesn’t know.  Just space.  I’m ok.  I mean I have friends and my parents.  Allen and Caleb are bonding a lot right now. That’s a positive thing for both.  

[kayc]

George stated it so well...when I was reading your post my initial thought also was Allen has a right to be angry.  Not at you, but at the situation.  And I know with all that is within me that Butch would not have done this if he would have realized what it would do to his family, he truly was not thinking, he was being led by his pain.  A reminder to us all that everything we do affects others.

[scba]

Hello Katie, my heart goes out to you. To say that I cannot imagine is a dumb comment. We cannot. There are no words. 

I don't know what to say to you that could be proper, but please don't think that it's your fault what happened to your children. George put well into words. It's not your fault.

Thanks for sharing Ryan pcitures with us, and for thinking of us in such a difficult circumstance. You heart is very big.

Your family is in my thoughts and here we all care about you. Keep coming.

Ana

[A&K]

Allen has chosen to leave me for a while.  He’s still seeing Caleb and Ryan but he says he can’t be around me right now.  Says it’s not me.  But it sure feels like it’s my fault.  My priority is to make sure our boys are thriving.  Allen is not thriving.  And I don’t know how to fix my husband whom I love more than words.  I asked him tonight if he loves me and his reply was I’m not sure. 😢

If grief does this to families I hate it.  Grief killed my FIL and it’s tried to destroy my son’s spirit.  And it’s ruining my marriage.  I HATE GRIEF.  

[MartyT]

Katie, I'm so sorry. One unbearable loss after another. Too much. Way too much. My thoughts and prayers are with you . . .

[kayc]

Katie,

I am so sorry, I support you in your endeavor to be there for your family and help them through this.  You are a lovely woman and you have done nothing wrong.  I hate what grief can do too.  I have learned to carry my grief rather than fighting it but everyone finds their own way of dealing with this.  It seems enough is enough, and I can't imagine one more bad thing happening to your lovely family.  (((hugs)))

[scba]

Katie, I send you hugs, we are praying for your family. You have done nothing wrong. 

[MartyT]

Katie, my dear, this announcement came in my email yesterday and I'm sharing it with you in case you may be interested. Linda Goldman is a highly respected expert in guiding parents whose children are coping with traumatic loss. 

 

Join Us for a live discussion  When: March 19, 2018 at: 12:30 Pacific Standard Time; 1:30 Mountain Standard Time; 2:30 Central Standard Time; 3:30 Eastern Standard Time   Topic: Supporting Children’s grief, Loss, and Trauma   Wondering what to say to kid’s who have suffered grief, loss and trauma? Join Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi Horsley in an interview with grief expert Linda Goldman, adjunct professor John Hopkins Graduate School and Kings College. Author of A Guide to Help Children with Complicated Grief and Raising Our Children to Be Resilient.  Join the conversation by sharing your own thoughts and questions.     Join from PC, Mac, Linux, iOS or Android: https://zoom.us/j/7993105222   Or iPhone one-tap :   US: +16699006833,,7993105222# or +14086380968,,7993105222#  Or Telephone:   Dial(for higher quality, dial a number based on your current location):      US: +1 669 900 6833 or +1 408 638 0968 or +1 646 876 9923    Meeting ID: 799 310 5222

[A&K]

I haven’t posted in a while.  First I should tell you that Allen and I are separated due to his infidelity.  I don’t think I want divorce.   He said he’d do therapy so I may do that.  I have Caleb and Ryan.  We are actually in Florida right now on a getaway.  

Ive been missing Noah and Gracie immensely lately.  No more than ordinarily just it’s hurting a lot.  Ryan is reminding me so much like Gracie and Caleb reminds me of Noah.  No one should have to lose a child.  Never mind four children.  

I’m just hurting a lot right now.  I want to sink in a hole and hide.  Not get out of bed.   I guess its normal.  

Katie

[kayc]

Katie, are you with your parents?  I wish for so much healing for your heart, you've been through more than anyone should ever have to go through.  I'm glad for Caleb and Ryan, how is Caleb doing there?  His world has been shaken up so much with everything that's happened.

[A&K]

Yes I’m with my parents Kay.  Caleb is actually doing pretty well and stable.  Thank God because I’m not doing well.  The kids are enjoying being in Florida 

[MartyT]

Oh Katie. I am so very sorry to learn this sad news about you and Allen. Please know that you are always, always in our hearts and prayers. You don't say what, if any, professional support you're receiving, but I can only hope and pray that you're not expecting to deal with all of this without some professional, outside and objective guidance . . . ❤️

[A&K]

I think when I get back home I will try therapy with Allen.  I don’t want a divorce.  It’s just hard to forgive and trust him.  

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, A&K said:

I don’t want a divorce.  It’s just hard to forgive and trust him.

Of course it's hard, Katie, and my heart just hurts for you. Until you're able to find a therapist back home, I know of some very useful resources that you may find helpful, which I'd like to share with you:

Article: Betrayal: The Most Underrated Trauma

Article: Learning to Trust Again

Book: After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

Book: How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To

Book: Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy