This is so hard

[TONY]

It has been 6 months and I am trying everything group grief counseling, church , dating ,excersise and nothing stops the hurt .If I stop to think of him I cry . I miss him sooooooo much he was my best friend and my person who never judged me and loved me unconditionally. This is the hardest thing to not have him here . I’m having a really hard time today maybe so I thought I would write . I’m not sure if I’m even using this site correctly? Sad 😞 

[nats]

Hi Tony, 

First, I fully understand your hurt and heartache.

Your doing the right things if there is such a thing when your grieving. It takes time to find a new normal and we hurt so bad we want it fast to ease the pain. Unfortunately it takes time to find that normal and some of never find it, my wife has been away for 8 years now and I still miss her deeply.

I suggest starting a routine, something simple at first then develop as you feel comfortable. 

Give yourself time, you can't rush this grief monster but you can not let it hold you hostage. Be easy on yourself, eat, and sleep the best you can, the more rest and nutrition you get the better you will feel.

Your using the site as was intended reaching out, we have a great group here, many helping people.

I don't post much anymore but your topic got my attention, as I get new post updates via email.

May peace be with you, in these troubled times.

Nats

[MartyT]

Tony, my dear, my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Sad to say, it's often around the six-months point that we are hit with the full force of our loss, because all that initial shock and numbness that Nature provides in the face of significant loss has worn off by now. I say this just to assure you that what you are experiencing right now is normal. That is not to say that it is easy ~ far from it. It just helps to know sometimes that whatever you are thinking and feeling in grief is normal and there is nothing wrong with you.

I want to point you to a couple of resources that you may find helpful, if you don't already know about them:

Legacy Connect - Support for those who have lost partners

Book, Partnered Grief: When Gay and Lesbian Partners Grieve

Article: Lesbian Widow Finds No Support in Group - Contains links to other resources 

 

[TONY]

Thank you 

[TONY]

2 hours ago, nats said:

Hi Tony, 

First, I fully understand your hurt and heartache.

Your doing the right things if there is such a thing when your grieving. It takes time to find a new normal and we hurt so bad we want it fast to ease the pain. Unfortunately it takes time to find that normal and some of never find it, my wife has been away for 8 years now and I still miss her deeply.

I suggest starting a routine, something simple at first then develop as you feel comfortable. 

Give yourself time, you can't rush this grief monster but you can not let it hold you hostage. Be easy on yourself, eat, and sleep the best you can, the more rest and nutrition you get the better you will feel.

Your using the site as was intended reaching out, we have a great group here, many helping people.

I don't post much anymore but your topic got my attention, as I get new post updates via email.

May peace be with you, in these troubled times.

Nats

 

[TONY]

Thanks so much for your kind words 

[kayc]

Tony,

Nats is right, developing a routine helps.  Unfortunately nothing helps the pain but going right through it, there's no way to circumvent it, I wish there was.  It took me more years than I can say to just process George's death, many more to find purpose and built a life I can live.  I don't know if you've read this or not, but I wrote it based on what I learned in my 12 year journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[TONY]

Thank you 😊