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Another thing I do not like anymore


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There are so many things that Al and I did together that I do not like anymore.  My latest weird thing is Daylight Saving Time.  Crazy?  We used to be happy when we got the extra daylight hour.  We would sit outside, weather permitting.  Now it does not make one bit of difference to me.  I stay in most of the time, anyway.  The darkness fits my mood.  We would start plants inside, which needless to say I do not do anymore.  Because of eye problems, I do not drive at night, so I suppose I should appreciate the extra driving time.  Nope.  Just a grouch today, I guess.

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Gin, I feel I have a virtual scroll that if I unfurled would stretch the length of this house, maybe even farther, of all the things that are not done now because of being alone.  I hadn’t thought of it, but yes, DST would be another thing we both noticed in a positive way.  I like the extra light at night, but it’s just another thing you can’t make that casual comment about.  I was looking out the window today and saw my neighbor.   I caught myself wanting to just yell to Steve that Brandy was stating another experimental gardening project.  But no point.  I’ve become like a mute at home now.  I talk to myself or the dogs, but no feedback.  I always go out for the afternoon even if I have to make up errands.  But when I get home I know it’s going to be like returning to my solitary cell in this grief prison for the night.   Waking up in it is becoming harder every day too.  I look at the the clock and say.....why?

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3 hours ago, Gin said:

There are so many things that Al and I did together that I do not like anymore.  My latest weird thing is Daylight Saving Time.  Crazy?  We used to be happy when we got the extra daylight hour.  We would sit outside, weather permitting.  Now it does not make one bit of difference to me.  I stay in most of the time, anyway.  The darkness fits my mood.  We would start plants inside, which needless to say I do not do anymore.  Because of eye problems, I do not drive at night, so I suppose I should appreciate the extra driving time.  Nope.  Just a grouch today, I guess.

This behaviour works for me too.At the beginning I used to do many things remembering my beloved man,every little detail that gave me a feeling of being closer to him,as well as we had used to be together.Well,a few years after,I stopped doing some things.There is too much suffering I´ve been going through,so things like that cause me the big pain now and remind me my deepest wounds hidden at the bottom of my heart.As time passes by,we cope with our grief according to the stage we find ourselves at the moment.It´s been 6 years,4 months and 3 days for me tonight and all I can say for the time being is that I try to protect my health from crying for hours,because it made me a horrible headache as my heart has been longing for him more and more.There are still many things I use to do now too,but I try to keep doing things that may put a smile on my face.

Everything changes day after day,but my love for him is for eternity and I realize that I miss him more than ever.

       My beloved Jan,

       5aa88216685b6_Imissyou2.gif.32fd30e7ce888db51fdc72e240af3e80.gif

     5aa882634b6a8_Iwantyou2.gif.8824b75b068742ef0f655824b517d8ef.gif

5aa883dfded91_Love-Youaremylove.gif.3662e698f04ac6d0664c4fb827fb918a.gif

    Your Janka

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I had that very thought today. Could not wait until daylight savings time. My dad could not wait, loved that it stayed light longer. I looked out back at the planters we have for all the flowers my dad and I plant each spring. Don't even want to think about it now that he is not here to do it with me. Who is going to show me the best ones to choose? Who will help m e plant each one?  I look at the plant he trimmed a month ago.. he won't see it bloom this spring. Who will I sit with on the back porch and talk to about every thing and anything?  Who will I ask for advice from?  And my mom...his wife, how will she ever make it through this? I know this is all so fresh and time will help, but honestly it' hurts so much I wonder if I will ever want to do these things again?  I want my dad. I feel like a rotten four year old child who wants to stamp their feet and demand he return. I am angry, sad, depressed and in denial all rolled up in a 57 year old women.

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Susan loved to see spring coming and would be planning her urban gardening. She'd notice every flower pushing up shoots and point it out to me. She'd imitate the bird calls (yes, even in Boston). I liked it too....now it's ashes.

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