feralfae Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 I am so sorry to find you here, because I know you are here because you are in pain and suffering from a terrible loss. Hello, this is Feralfae, checking in after all this time. I have passed the 6th anniversary of Doug leaving, 7 February. It was easier this year, remembering those last days of his escape from his cancer-invaded body which no longer functioned. But his mind and spirit where brilliant to the last moment, and after he escaped, he sent so many messages and words of reassurance (through dreams to his friends, who would write or call to tell me about dreaming of Doug talking to me and what he said) and still, when I need his comfort, strength, and reasoning, I can ask and it never fails that the answer comes in a dream or as I am doing something else. This, for most of us, is the darkest canyon we will every survive. It feels like our own death, because half of our life—of us—is gone. But only from a body. They are still here with us. Where else would they be? I just want to reassure you that you will live through this. Spend as much time as you can with people who really do love you unconditionally. But remember not to wear them out with your grief, so a grief support group can help a lot. And while you will survive, when you emerge from this dark canyon, you will not be the same person who was forced into this place of the shadow of death. I would not be a sane person today without the grief support I found here, and among some of the friends I made here, and from my grief counselor and therapist. This is a sanctuary when our worlds have gone all awry. We need to be here to get our balance back, and that is going to take just as much time as it takes, no matter what we do. We must give our Hearts time to heal. Peace and Light to your Hearts. *<twinkles>* feralfae 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 Fae, It is so nice to hear from you. I think of you often always with a positive note in your voice facing whatever life has burdened you with. You are a true inspiration. I hope you are well. I am still wandering in my own darkness, but a bit of sunlight comes through now and then. Peace to you, my friend. Karen 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 Blessings to you, dear Fae, and thank you for your lovely comments ♥ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 6 hours ago, feralfae said: I would not be a sane person today without the grief support I found here, and among some of the friends I made here, and from my grief counselor and therapist. This is a sanctuary when our worlds have gone all awry. We need to be here to get our balance back, and that is going to take just as much time as it takes, no matter what we do. We must give our Hearts time to heal. Peace and Light to your Hearts. *<twinkles>* feralfae So good to hear from you! Miss your twinkles! I'm glad you're doing well. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 15 hours ago, feralfae said: This is a sanctuary when our worlds have gone all awry. We need to be here to get our balance back, and that is going to take just as much time as it takes, no matter what we do. We must give our Hearts time to heal. My family brag about how strong I am and yet I know I would not be here period without this forum. I know everyone as my friend. I do not know where they are, but they are my neighbor, my friend, when I need them. Congratulations for surviving your six years. You make us hope. Thank you. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 17 hours ago, feralfae said: I am so sorry to find you here, because I know you are here because you are in pain and suffering from a terrible loss. Hello, this is Feralfae, checking in after all this time. I have passed the 6th anniversary of Doug leaving, 7 February. It was easier this year, remembering those last days of his escape from his cancer-invaded body which no longer functioned. But his mind and spirit where brilliant to the last moment, and after he escaped, he sent so many messages and words of reassurance (through dreams to his friends, who would write or call to tell me about dreaming of Doug talking to me and what he said) and still, when I need his comfort, strength, and reasoning, I can ask and it never fails that the answer comes in a dream or as I am doing something else. This, for most of us, is the darkest canyon we will every survive. It feels like our own death, because half of our life—of us—is gone. But only from a body. They are still here with us. Where else would they be? I just want to reassure you that you will live through this. Spend as much time as you can with people who really do love you unconditionally. But remember not to wear them out with your grief, so a grief support group can help a lot. And while you will survive, when you emerge from this dark canyon, you will not be the same person who was forced into this place of the shadow of death. I would not be a sane person today without the grief support I found here, and among some of the friends I made here, and from my grief counselor and therapist. This is a sanctuary when our worlds have gone all awry. We need to be here to get our balance back, and that is going to take just as much time as it takes, no matter what we do. We must give our Hearts time to heal. Peace and Light to your Hearts. *<twinkles>* feralfae It´s been 6 years for me now as well.I´ve never had any forum those first hardest 3 years,no support groups,no help of doctors or anything like that.I´ve got through this all alone working,being with my best friends as I have no family anymore and praying to God who is my only one reason to stay sane.I´ve never spoken to you before,but your post caught my attention and wish you all the best from the heart! Hugs from Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 19, 2019 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2019 It has been more than a year since I posted here. In order my personal sense of importance, here are some things to report: The first item is that I am surviving this solo life, and some days are full of delight and joy. The beauty and richness of life continue to charm and amaze me. When I look around and see all the Life offers us, I am grateful to our Creator and feel amazingly lucky to be here and doing things I love. I still miss Doug every day. He is still with me in spirit, and I feel his loving protection and care around and in me hourly. His deep sense of integrity, his peaceful centeredness, his unconditional love, and his stunning brilliance all continue to inspire me as my life unfolds around me. My health has been pretty good, although I've had flu and shingles this past year. Overall, I am in good shape, and I continue with my archaeological fieldwork and research. But three months of flu and shingles have kept me out of my survey area (a wilderness refuge, where there is a lot of archaeology as yet unrecorded. I am recording it and also researching its origins.) and hiking around for miles and miles in a beautiful place which is becoming my other home. I have learned that while it often feels that my life ended when Doug left, I am building a new life slowly and carefully. I've had to both fall back on trusted and loyal networks and have the courage to reach out to find or form new networks. I am trying to be more mindful of my own need for self-care and moderation of my usual full schedule and active life. I am proud to say I have reached a place where I feel more capable of offering comfort and compassion to others who have had more recent losses. And I have begun to refer some people to come here, to Marty's site, for compassionate support as they begin this journey through grief. Only I am not sure we are ever "through" grief, or through with it. The pain softens, and seems to become a part of me, but now a part that is a strength, a support, reassuring me that I can survive and go on. Deep wounds of loss, of the tearing asunder of two joined spirits, begin to gently heal. One day we see or hear something of such beauty that we cannot help but smile, and suddenly we notice that our spirit is singing again, even if softly and briefly. If we are aware enough, we lean into that re-discovered moment of joy, and carry it like a little treasure that shines in the darkness of our grief. So, let yourself hold and cherish those little moments of joy that come along even on the saddest of days. They help us to remember that although we are walking through a shadowed valley right now, we are still capable of Joy, and Joy still exists in this new world we have reluctantly entered. Some day, not too far in the future, you will have a day of joy, celebrating your survival, your life, and the beauty and love all around, free gifts from our Creator. Let yourself enjoy every facet and particle of that joy. It helps to find your new balance when you can let in a little joy from time to time. You will survive, your will grow, you will become stronger. You will have a deeper, more compassionate understanding of loss and grief. And one day, you will direct someone else to this place of lovingkindness and compassion. And one day, you will return here to write your own words of hope, of survival, and of reclaimed Joy. Peace to all our hearts. Much love, FeralFae *<twinkles>* 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shebert56 Posted August 20, 2019 Report Share Posted August 20, 2019 FeralFae, I haven't been here long enough to know you, but in a very spiritual sense, I do know you. Your metamorphosis is clear. So grateful to see you've embraced this change. I also live in the knowing that our loves in spirit are indeed here with us. I just passed year one of Stephen's angel anniversary recently, full of love and gratitude, no sadness or grief. A week before he was extremely present both in undeniable signs and my first dream visit. I don't need validation that he's here, as you know Doug is with you. I now strive to live my days in higher vibration. May your journey always been filled with moments of joy and balance. Hugs, ~Shirley 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 20, 2019 Report Share Posted August 20, 2019 20 hours ago, feralfae said: One day we see or hear something of such beauty that we cannot help but smile, and suddenly we notice that our spirit is singing again, even if softly and briefly. Thank you...I've missed you dear friend! I hold out for this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 8, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2021 Dear Friends, It has been nine years since my Doug left for what I imagine is a healthier and happier life. This is the first year that the ache and longing have not overtaken me on February 7th. I did not collapse into the despair and grief of loss, but was able to hold up beautiful memories with gratitude as I carry these times in my heart. I did look at some photos and videos, and smiled with joy and gratitude for sharing my life with this magnificent man. I look around at all the work he did on our home, on the forest here, and at the trees he planted, the bird houses he made for our mountain bluebirds, and I see his loving care all around me. We wrote together and won awards for our writing, and that is a special marker for our life together. It is a solace and a warm comfort to feel his loving presence, even though his body is gone forever. On some days, his spirit is still very strong here. Even as I type this, I turn my head and smile that our Creator was kind and loving to bring Doug into my life. And my life goes on. I am back to doing archaeology and anthropology during the summers, and research during the winters—such is the life of a field archaeologist! Yet, even when I am out in the field, I can sense Doug's presence, watching over me and filling my heart with joy. Doug had a very strong sense of the presence of G*d, and that sense of presence grew stronger for him during the last year of his life. I am thankful he had that strong relationship, as it certainly guided his life and influenced mine. I have learned to live solo again, but will always carry with me that sense of life and of Creator. I don't know what blessings are ahead of me, but after nine years, I think I am back to being whole within myself, as a solo person with her own balance. Although it has taken this long, it has been a journey of discovery, healing, growing stronger, and sorting myself out. I am especially thankful for Marty, Kay, and other friends who have supported my on this journey; who understood my pain and loss and gave from their caring hearts to ease my pain. The support and lovingkindness here has been a gift which I did not earn, helping me navigate a place I never wanted to go, and validating my personal journey while encouraging my healing. Thank you. I am forever grateful for this loving place to bring my heart for mending and healing. And, of course, *<twinkles>* 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 8, 2021 Report Share Posted February 8, 2021 And we are forever grateful for you, dear one (and for your fairy dust and twinkles). Blessings to you, and from my heart to yours, thank you for your lovely and loving comments. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 8, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2021 Dear Marty, Your loving notes are always a smile-bringer! *<twinkles>* 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 Your writing is very beautiful. Thanks for your words. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 Good to see you, Faralfae. Nice to have some fairy dust sprinkled around. 🧚♀️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 fae, So good to hear from you again! You have traveled far in your journey to peace again, this time solo. Not always an easy feat as we grow older! But we're doing it and I could relate to much of what you said about living with the good memories of them and am glad it brings a smile instead of pain, something we can't fathom when we're newly in this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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