My mother died then the guy I was dating disappeared.

[xmcll]

Hi! I signed up for an account after reading through a similar thread about people losing a loved one then consequently cutting their significant others off, almost without warning. 

Strangely the opposite thing has happened with me. My mother died suddenly of a heart attack in November of 2017. I met this guy about two weeks after her death and was swept up into a relationship. I was the one that was very distant at first because I didn't feel emotionally ready to commit to someone and I didn't want to hurt him. After about two months dating, I decided I really was falling for him. He was kind. He was supportive. He gave me space when I told him I needed it, but always gently reminded me that he was there if I need anything. Maybe I was searching for someone to fill in a void that was left after my mom died. 

Everything was going well. We texted all the time, saw each other often, sometimes even talked on the phone at night until we both fell asleep. I told him multiple times about how I felt like I had abandonment issues because my mom left so suddenly and I was afraid he would do the same. He promised he would always be there. We talked about meeting each other's families and started planning trips to different cities together. 

Then February came around and things changed. He started to become very distant. I told him I felt this change and he repeatedly said he was fine and I shouldn't read too much into it. I called him one night in February to ask what was really going on because I could tell something was off, and he finally told me that he was going through something mentally. "It's something I tend to do," he said. "i'll be with someone and then I'll just disappear. I implode on myself. I can't help it." I asked him how long this usually lasts. He said months at a time. I asked him to talk to me since he helped me through my mom's death and I wanted to be there for him too. He said it's not something he would ever talk to me about. I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said he needed distance. I asked if we were done and he said no, he just needed time. 

It hurt, especially since we'd been on such a good path and he had given me so much comfort through a really difficult time. It was frustrating that he wouldn't "let me" be there for him since I knew what it like to feel alone and in a bad spot mentally. We went from talking everyday to almost no contact in a span of a week. 

I think my abandonment issues kicked in and suddenly it was all I could think about. I wondered if he was doing this because he was just done with the relationship but didn't want to be the one to break it off because he knew I was fragile since my mom's death. So, after about two weeks of no contact I texted him and told him it wasn't good for my own mental health to have silence between us like this. He said he was sorry he couldn't be faster or stronger getting through his issues. I felt guilty and told him that I was sorry, and that I loved him, and I would continue waiting for him until he was ready. But if he wanted the relationship to end he could just tell me and I would understand. No response. 

But it really was killing me, to lose my mother then lose this guy too. It seemed like one second they were in my life and the next they weren't and there was no closure from either of them. (There never will be for my mom. I get that.)

His birthday was a few days ago and I had been stewing in my feelings for a long time. He and I were technically still "together" but it was like I was dating a ghost. No returns on texts and ignored calls. It hurt that I couldn't spend the day with him. So I told him that I really couldn't stand the situation we were in, that I missed him too much, and it hurt too much not to have him there. I thanked him for helping me through my mom's death and told him he would probably never know how much he meant to me. I said I felt lucky to have gotten to know him the way I did. Said I would stop waiting for him to come back to me since it seemed like he wasn't in the right state to be in a relationship. Wished him luck in healing on his own. Again, no response. 

I unfollowed him on all social media, deleted our texts conversations, deleted our pictures, changed his name on in my phone. I knew I needed a clean break and I thought he would do the same. But then I realized he kept following me and checking up on my social media posts (you can see who views your instagram and snapchat stories). In a moment of weakness(?) I added him back on instagram and snapchat and we've both been keeping up with each other's posts. 

I understand that he wants space and I know I need to respect that. I haven't tried to contact him and, though my resolve weakens sometimes, I don't plan to anytime soon. 

But... I still have hope that he'll reconnect and we can work it out. I know I should just get a clean break from him and stop checking up on him on social media, but I still miss him terribly and almost can't help myself. i don't post statuses about him. I don't talk about the break up at all on social media. But I do check up on him constantly. Granted it's only been a week so maybe it's normal. 

What I wanted to get perspective on is... How do I go about healing and moving on? I know there are many people on this forum who have experienced their s/o leaving them after a death of a loved one and they could use grief as reasoning. But I am the one in grief. And the grief has actually made me want to reach out to him even more. He was one of the only sources of comfort during the most difficult time in my life and not having him there has been kind of devastating. I'm angry that he would leave after everything I told him about my abandonment issues, but I also understand my grief is not his burden. 

I don't know. I've gone through two losses in the span of months and some days it does feel overwhelming. I'd just like tips on keeping peace within myself and, maybe, a reality check that I need to let this guy go. How do I let him go? How did you all focus on yourselves and invest in the good things in your life? How do you deal on bad days? 

[nettieboop]

Hi there,

First off, so sorry that you're going through this...it's the pits man. I can relate as I have been through something very similar. Unfortunately there is no quick fix for the heart...my best advice, having gone through it, is to block him from social media....every time you look is torture and sends you back. Take care of you, focus on you, keep busy, surround yourself with friends, do things that make you feel good and keep reminding yourself...this is about him...not about you. HUGS. <3

[kayc]

Hi, I am very sorry about your losing your mom...and then this guy.  I have seen this before, somewhere in this section but usually it's the one with the loss doing the breaking up.

The best way to move on is no contact...including no checking on each other on social media.  What he did was wrong to you, you deserve better than that...you can't just put someone in limbo, ghost them, and...nothing.  You need a real live person, one with a heart, one with a right state of mind, one that doesn't put you on ignore.  He has issues that you don't need to deal with right now.  I wish you all the best moving forward.

[IHurtToo]

Hey there! I lost my mum awhile back, too. She'd been chronically ill but this the rapid decline and sudden death floored me and my siblings. My dad passed away nearly 20 years ago, and that was rough enough. But, my mum was a best friend to me. We shared life together. I have gone through alot of emotions and still miss her every day. Regarding your BF...I'm so sorry that you've experienced another loss! Look at it this way. He provided support to you at a time when you desperately needed it. He was in your life for a season. Sounds like he has his own things to work through, perhaps including a mental health disorder that he hasn't shared with you. Better to have seen the 'other side' of him now, before your relationship had progressed! Don't look back! If he told you 'It may be months', he's wanting space to deal with his own stuff and maybe having to be your support also is too much for him to handle.  So, to move forward I would say focus on yourself and developing a group of friends to go out and socialize with. Another option would be to find a local grief recovery group! Online support is also awesome, like here. Do you belong to a gym? What activities do you enjoy doing? Do you work? If by chance your mom was really your primary friend, social network, and support-I suggest you begin by joining some open groups, to connect with people. If you already have those circles developed-get back to it! It's time, and your mom would want it that way! One last comment...no man wants to be or is capable of being the type of support us women need. They cannot and should not be expected to complete us. We have to be whole, and we need our female friends to lean on. When the time comes that you enter another relationship, you'll be whole and through the grieving process (it takes about a year), and will be ready to for a mutually healthy relationship. Hope this helps! 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, IHurtToo said:

Better to have seen the 'other side' of him now, before your relationship had progressed! Don't look back!

I agree, she may have dodged a bullet.  I know it doesn't FEEL like that though, and my heart goes out to anyone going through something like this.

I'm sorry for your loss too, @IHurtToo.  Very sound advice, BTW.

[xmcll]

Thank you for your replies! It's been a tough week since I ended things but I've since unfollowed him on all social media. I've been reading up on how to cope, process, and grow after a painful break up, and have spent a lot of time investing in myself and the people in my life that have been supportive and loving and present. 

I feel a lot better now. I've accepted that some things just don't work out. And thank you IHurtToo for phrasing it as, "He was in your life for a season." Some people come in your life to teach you lessons; they're not there to stay.

I'm grateful for the time we had together and for his support. I still miss him in a lot of ways, but I'm not angry or bitter. Since my mom died, I think I have been very desperate for closure and it initially really freaked me out that he left without closure too. But that's life. He has his reasons for walking away and I don't think it's my duty or responsibility to try to figure it out. I truly feel like even if he were to reconnect and we discussed why things ended the way they did,  I still would not have closure. I'd still have questions. I always will. Now, I'm at peace with not having the answers. 

I'm grateful that I had him in the ways I did. We're no longer a part of each other's lives and that's okay. I wish him the best. 

Thank you all for your replies again. I reached out during a really hard time and reading what you all had to say gave me so much comfort. While I'm taking the time to heal, the only committed relationship I'll be investing in for a while will be with myself. 

[MartyT]

Good for you, dear one. Good for you. We wish you all the best ♥

[IHurtToo]

13 hours ago, xmcll said:

Glad you are doing better! It's the weekend! Find something fun to do! It will help! Really!

23 hours ago, kayc said:

I agree, she may have dodged a bullet.  I know it doesn't FEEL like that though, and my heart goes out to anyone going through something like this.

I'm sorry for your loss too, @IHurtToo.  Very sound advice, BTW.

 

[kayc]

@xmcll  Your attitude is amazing and you figured things out very quickly.  It was a long painful lesson I learned in my youth that we aren't always afforded closure, closure can be nice and helpful, but we just don't always get it.  I've learned sometimes we have to provide our own closure.  You're doing well, keep it up, so proud of you!

[xmcll]

Hi all, 

Update: It's been about two weeks since I ended things with him and I was on a pretty good path to recovering from the break up, until two nights ago when I found out he has already started seeing another girl. After ghosting me and using "I'm not in the right state to be a relationship right now..." as the lie/excuse for his behavior, he was already with someone new. I was fuming and all the anger I had avoided expressing to him (in an effort to end things on a civil note) flew out the window. I ended up sending him a very long message about how angry and hurt I was, and he should have just been upfront and ended things with me if he wasn't invested anymore instead of stringing me along until I was forced to walk away. That I cared about him and my only intention was to love him and that he knows I don't deserve the way he treated me. That, for some reason, I still cared about him but I was completely done now. Then I wished him good luck working through his issues (with more than a few expletives thrown in there, I'll be honest). 

I immediately regretted it after I sent the text. Literally seconds after pressing SEND I lambasted myself for doing it. Called up a close friend, showed them the text, and cried for hours over how hurt, and angry, and stupid I felt. And maybe it's because I did still have a little bit of hope that things could still work out between us and now I was forced to face the reality that I fell for someone that wasn't as invested as I was.

I received my first response from him in weeks. After a couple hours he replied with a very short, "Okay. I got it." 

It was a strange mixture of feeling as though I had been punched in the gut but also like I knew it all along. In the back of my mind, I always had a hunch that he disappeared because he was just an emotionally unavailable person who did not have the empathy to address my feelings head on. So he avoided confrontation and just disappeared. In any case, it hurt like hell. 

But I'm writing here to show anyone that might be going through the same thing that I didn't ride off into the sunset after my last post. Things got worse for me emotionally but it's still okay. I'm working through it. (And you'll get through it too.)

Even though I tried to leave everything on a positive note, I felt it more important and healthy for me to vent out my frustrations. Perhaps he was dealing with things emotionally and is jumping from relationship to relationship as an emotional crutch. Maybe that is the case and I feel for him and hope he works through his issues in a healthy way. But I could not move on unless I got things off my chest. I don't regret being honest with him and contacting him one last time. I now feel like I've said my piece and I can leave things as is. Now I feel like I have closure and it was the kind of closure I really needed: closure I created for myself. 

I am still grateful that he was in my life during a very difficult time and gave me support when I needed it. I am also still angry and hurt, but I'm working through these emotions so as not to harbor any bitterness. Forgiveness is essential to emotional freedom, I think. And in time I will forgive him for the pain; not because he deserves it but because I deserve the peace. 

And at the end of the day, his issues are his own. I am trying and working through my emotions every day to remind myself that it is not my fault that he was/is/will continue to be an emotionally unavailable person. Moving forward, I know not to ignore red flags and to instill boundaries. 

I've been speaking to my grief counselor regularly. I've been taking anti-depressants, going out with friends that put positivity into my days, and I'm speaking openly and honestly about my emotions (something that I never used to do). Even though the last few months since my mom passed have been an insane roller coaster ride of emotions and mental acrobats, I am at a place where I am growing, and learning, and processing my pain instead of suppressing it. I am proud of that. Though it hurts like hell on some days, there are also days where I look up at the sky and can't help but smile. I am not a religious person but I do believe in the beauty of the universe, and perhaps in some way my mother's energy is still here helping me learn valuable lessons of self-love and self-worth. I'm taking just taking it day by day. 

Wow, this is long. Sorry! But thank you again for all the replies to this thread. I've been reading through other topics on the forum and it has been wonderful to witness such empathy, kindness, and care. 

 

 

[MartyT]

You seem to me to be a very sharp young lady, my dear ~ and one who is deserving of someone who will know and love and cherish you as the valuable person you are. You deserve nothing less than that, and with your positive and healthy attitude, I've no doubt that one day you will find the person who is worthy of you. 

[kayc]

OMG, I would have been SO ANGRY!  In my estimation you handled it very well, and I think it was healthy for you to want to be heard this one last time.  That he didn't even have the decency to address that or own it is HIS bad.  You are so right when you stated that his issues are HIS own.  You will be fine, you are a very special person and did not deserve what you got, but someday you will meet the one more deserving of you.  I couldn't put it better than Marty did.

[Rae1991]

@xmcll Hi, 

I am so sorry for you! I hope you are doing better, you seem to be present and aware of your feelings and that is awesome for you. I can tell you from experience that yeah, that guy was definitely emotionally unavailable (EU) and was only looking for a surface level, generic time-filler disguised as a relationship. I hate to be so brash with my words but that is the truth. You deserve far better than this and I am glad you are making the necessary moves to rid yourself of all his negativity and do better going forward.

On 3/30/2018 at 12:29 PM, xmcll said:

I received my first response from him in weeks. After a couple hours he replied with a very short, "Okay. I got it." 

It was a strange mixture of feeling as though I had been punched in the gut but also like I knew it all along. In the back of my mind, I always had a hunch that he disappeared because he was just an emotionally unavailable person who did not have the empathy to address my feelings head on. So he avoided confrontation and just disappeared. In any case, it hurt like hell. 

But I'm writing here to show anyone that might be going through the same thing that I didn't ride off into the sunset after my last post. Things got worse for me emotionally but it's still okay. I'm working through it. (And you'll get through it too.)

Even though I tried to leave everything on a positive note, I felt it more important and healthy for me to vent out my frustrations. Perhaps he was dealing with things emotionally and is jumping from relationship to relationship as an emotional crutch. Maybe that is the case and I feel for him and hope he works through his issues in a healthy way. But I could not move on unless I got things off my chest. I don't regret being honest with him and contacting him one last time. I now feel like I've said my piece and I can leave things as is. Now I feel like I have closure and it was the kind of closure I really needed: closure I created for myself. 

I am still grateful that he was in my life during a very difficult time and gave me support when I needed it. I am also still angry and hurt, but I'm working through these emotions so as not to harbor any bitterness. Forgiveness is essential to emotional freedom, I think. And in time I will forgive him for the pain; not because he deserves it but because I deserve the peace. 

And at the end of the day, his issues are his own. I am trying and working through my emotions every day to remind myself that it is not my fault that he was/is/will continue to be an emotionally unavailable person. Moving forward, I know not to ignore red flags and to instill boundaries. 

My ex Tim was/is emotionally unavailable. And like you, I didn't realize it until after our relationship was over, twice. If you had delved deeper or spoken with people who knew your ex, you'd have probably found a string of fragmented, short and purely surface level romantic relationships and strained familial ones, most likely stemming from childhood trauma/abuse/abandonment/neglect and/or one or two romantic relationships where he was left by the woman and deeply wounded but refused to allow himself to heal. You are correct in that he is probably using relationships as a crutch, even though non-EU people are guilty of this too, it is a telling sign of those who are EU. Though, they are certainly capable of love and being in love, it manifests itself in strange ways and it is not necessarily healthy for either person long-term. Regardless of what caused his issues, they are his. And it is wrong of him to reel you in, then throw you back and play mind games with you because HE won't acknowledge his poor behavior and obviously severe, deep seated traumas/feelings. He will do the same thing to the girl hes now seeing, its only a matter of time. People are "void fillers, toys, caretakers etc" to EU types. People like our exes are great at appearing charming, caring, affectionate, loving and to be what seems like everything you could ever want in a partner. The problem is this: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. And that is exactly what Emotionally Unavailable people are and what they do. It's learned behavior and a coping mechanism. Be glad you dodged this bullet. 

As much as I loved and cared for Tim and it seemed as though he did love me too, his issues ran far deeper than anything I could've imagined and the fact that he refused to confront his past until his dads death inevitably brought to light many family secrets and feelings he didn't want to confront; which then led to his disappearance, ghosting, emotional wavering and mind games at my expense. However, I had come to find via his siblings that he had a string of failed short term relationships since he was a teenager and with nearly every one, he just ghosted them or ran away when things got hard, serious, feelings were developed and/or when he didn't understand something that related to his romantic relationship. I also was made aware that his father was an abusive alcoholic and his mother was herself emotionally abusive. Tim never told me about any of this, nor did he tell me how or why his past relationships ended in any detail. He also never gave me closure, twice, I had to create it for myself because I wasn't given a choice. And I had to come to terms with the fact that even if his father hadn't passed, our relationship was still doomed because of this pattern of behavior, I just wouldn't have known it yet. At the time I was devastated because of his blindsiding me with silence, confusion and undeserved contempt and mind games. But looking back, I too realized that I also dodged a bullet.

On top of that, over the years after finding out the truth behind my parents' intense hatred toward one another did I begin to understand why my mother resented my father so much, for he too was emotionally unavailable due to his traumatic childhood and refused to acknowledge it or seek professional help. And he led my mother down a 16 year spiral of infidelity, random disappearances at all hours of the day, refusal to finish anything he started, selfishness that knew no bounds, emotional distance/punishment when confrontation struck, and a need to constantly have/buy "new, better" stuff. My father is now on his 3rd divorce since divorcing my mother 18 years ago, and has been engaged 3 other times. So again, as you said your ex-guy probably does, my father also uses relationships as a crutch.

However, this is not to say that Emotional unavailability is a bad thing or that one who is EU cannot change and adopt healthier means of dealing with their feelings. In cases like ours however, this is being EU to an extreme and knowingly/carelessly causing harm to others because of it. It is natural to be a degree of EU after a traumatic experience like a break-up or death, but where the problem lies is when they refuse to confront those feelings and rectify themselves, which then sends them down the "EU spiral" as I call it. Its all too easy for those who are not EU to get sucked into their game because its what they feed on, as being chronically EU is about satisfying the needs of ones pride and ego to feel good about themselves through casual relationships, friendships and various encounters to ease their own insecurities that they have buried inside as a result of their traumas. As a result of my experience with Tim, I have not been in a relationship in over 2 years, and I guess you could say I am slightly EU myself right now, but only for the purposes of protecting my interests/feelings and my active choice not to pursue dating or relationships in favor of traveling, other hobbies and my career, because I recognized that I still had a lot of self work that needed to be done after what had happened and that dating again would've just done more harm than good.

Sorry I droned on a bit, but again I am glad you have recognized the signs and are doing what is necessary to rectify the damage he has done to you as well as your grief from losing your mother. Take his behavior as a lesson and in time you will see the silver lining within his poor treatment of you. You deserve far better than him, even if it means giving better to yourself. Focus on healing yourself and doing better for yourself moving forward so you can live your best life.

[Rae1991]

This is a TED talk I stumbled upon a few months after Tim and I separated for good. It is about the problems that exist with dating when we try to "escape ourselves" via relationships. And I feel it relates greatly to both of our situations.

https://youtu.be/jmUayKnHWWM

--Rae 

[xmcll]

3 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

This is a TED talk I stumbled upon a few months after Tim and I separated for good. It is about the problems that exist with dating when we try to "escape ourselves" via relationships. And I feel it relates greatly to both of our situations.

https://youtu.be/jmUayKnHWWM

--Rae 

 

Thanks for your responses, Rae! It's great to hear from someone that's dealt with a similar situation. In retrospect, his emotional unavailability does make a lot of sense now. There are things from his past that he never resolved and never wanted to resolve, and it shows in the nature of his relationships now. It's also interesting that you and I, Rae, went through similar things with our fathers being emotionally unavailable because of their traumatic childhoods. Perhaps that's why we are drawn to partners that are EU, but I don't want to psycho-analyze or oedipize that much. Lol. 

I will definitely dive into that Ted talk later tonight after work. It's been comforting beyond words to be able to get perspective from people who have had loss or who also have experience with EU people. Most of the people in my life can't provide advice from these perspectives because they've never experienced it before. So, thank you again. 

 

[Rae1991]

17 hours ago, xmcll said:

Thanks for your responses, Rae! It's great to hear from someone that's dealt with a similar situation. In retrospect, his emotional unavailability does make a lot of sense now. There are things from his past that he never resolved and never wanted to resolve, and it shows in the nature of his relationships now. It's also interesting that you and I, Rae, went through similar things with our fathers being emotionally unavailable because of their traumatic childhoods. Perhaps that's why we are drawn to partners that are EU, but I don't want to psycho-analyze or oedipize that much. Lol. 

I will definitely dive into that Ted talk later tonight after work. It's been comforting beyond words to be able to get perspective from people who have had loss or who also have experience with EU people. Most of the people in my life can't provide advice from these perspectives because they've never experienced it before. So, thank you again. 

 

You're welcome! I actually didn't realize my dad was EU until I went to therapy after my grandfather and best friend died 7 years ago when I was 19. Connecting all those dots from my childhood/upbringing, my parents' weirdly volatile marriage and then my moms second marriage to an abusive alcoholic made sense because I was an emotional mess and had spent years just ignoring myself, my feelings and traumas and as a result I was a miserable, sad and deeply confused person. I just didn't realized how messed up I really was (nor did I want to confront it) until I absolutely had to after my best friend John committed suicide in 2011. And after my LTR and engagement ended I had no self esteem and was just careless, young and naive to adulthood, dating and life in general so I entertained men who were the same because I thought it was normal. Meeting Tim made me think that I was finally matured and was ready for life because in all honesty, had you told me Tim was EU during our relationship, I would've laughed at you because he seemed the opposite throughout the 14 months prior to his dads death. But I guess part of that was just because I didn't know what an EU person actually was and I thought it'd be more obvious like my dad's issues were. I also loved him deeply and love can make a fool out of even the most intelligent of people. I was just about 23 when Tim and I began dating so I was still a bit naive to the mind games people play and again because I wasn't EU I figured that people had the same genuine intentions as I did (I was Naive as they come LOL). But it's all a lesson now. I believe that Tim had/has no idea he was/is deeply EU, and that he had genuine intentions with our relationship but he was/is severely lacking emotional intelligence and was never taught how to deal with his emotions and just buried his trauma instead (toxic masculinity I feel plays a major part in a lot of guys's lack of emotional intelligence). Though I am not excusing Tim's behavior in any way, no one deserves to be put through the crap our exes have done, grief aside. It shows glaring character flaws when you are unable to discern how to treat people properly based on your inability to deal with your feelings. That's not the same as a quirk, that is a genuine character flaw and a huge red flag.

Your ex is seems is aware of his EU tendencies and that he is just blatantly using the "this is just how I am" card to excuse himself from wrong doing because he refuses to acknowledge his crappy behavior. He definitely took advantage of your need for comfort and a shoulder to cry on due to your grief, providing it to you gave him an ego boost and a sense of good feelings, I think. But when it was his turn to express the same feelings that you had for him and put into action the words he had said about "being around forever," he took off because to him they're just words and a means to get the satisfaction he sought because you believed what he said. I don't mean to overstep but, I hope in your course of therapy, you examine why you are attracted to/entertain EU types and take a look at how your upbringing and past relationships have played a role in that. I returned to therapy for a few sessions after Tim and I split up because I saw myself going down that same path of sorrow and deep confusion because I had actually begun to feel bad about myself for expecting him to have treated me better, almost as if I was questioning whether or not I deserved to be treated better.

I haven't dated since because I realized that I wasn't living the life I wanted and I wasn't living for myself; I was living for relationships and my friends and was just droning through the days, I didn't truly know who I was (I had an idea, but no real concrete knowledge of myself), and I was chasing what I believed was happiness instead of pursuing my passions, hobbies, my career and letting happiness find me. You know that saying: "If you have to chase something, it isn't meant to be yours." I believe that same sentiment applies to happiness. Chasing things gets exhausting quickly Also, I heard a new saying that I LOVE. "You are not what you attract, you are what you entertain." I think that is spot on, especially when it comes to dating. Yes, you will attract an eclectic mix of weirdos, but if you don't give them your time, it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you unless you actively pursue/entertain them. When I was young I didn't know better, but thought that I didn't need to change, grow or look at things from a different POV, until I repeatedly found myself in nothing but misery, loneliness, crappy friends/relationships and with too many bad habits. Misery loves company. And, until you do the necessary work on yourself that allows you to grow continuously, learn from your mistakes and hardships, and accept who you are; it seems that you will only find yourself in the same situation with different faces.

https://youtu.be/RiM5a-vaNkg

This is another TED talk by Andrew Solomon, one of the people who inspire me to do better. He talks about forging meaning and building ourselves a new identity out of our hardships we face. That is what I have done thus far, and will continue to do with my life

I droned on again, sorry haha. But I am grateful I learned these things while I still had the time to apply them to my life fully and live how I want. It's never too late to start over. 

--Rae

[kayc]

The Ted talk is very good...change a few details, the guy is the same, we've all dated him, the important thing is to learn from our experience.