Where did it all go wrong?

[nstella]

On 2/23/18 I noticed that something was wrong with my best rabbit friend of four years. Every night at around 11pm my mom would go and refill her bowl before we all went to bed, and Luna would get wildly excited, you guys know the deal–big beautiful imploring eyes, cutest frenzy imaginable. By 10:30 she would already be waiting for all of us to refill her bowl even though there was still enough to last her. She just wanted more treats! 

 

 But on 2/23, she didn’t wait for us. She didn’t jump up the second she spotted my mom. She was just lying there,  lethargic and unfazed. I just immediately knew that something was wrong. My sister and I were worried sick to our stomachs so we stayed up with her. After a long while of not moving or reacting to anything, she finally picked herself up. I kissed her goodnight and assured her that I was there for her no matter what. The next day, I noticed her urine was bloody. I called the vet two/three days later as I kept an eye on her; and they told me the appointment would be the following week. 

 

Long story short, the vet gave us antibiotics for her newly diagnosed urinary tract infection. We gave it to her, and four days into her treatment, whether it was the cause of the infection or because us carrying her stressed her out even more, she stopped eating. I gave the vet a call and he told me to go by and pick up some Critical Care. We were all gone 7 hours a day–me due to school, my mom because of work, but my dad was gone 10, and I couldn’t carry her because I had a broken hand, and my mom was scared shitless that she would hurt her. So my dad was the only one for the job. Unfortunately, he was gone all day, so we had no choice but to wait for him. All the while we tried feeding her greens and she took them every once in a while. Spinach, which she couldn’t resist. Lettuce and cabbage; she loved. She still chewed up cardboard and tried to have fun, but she wasn’t okay and deep down I know she wasn’t. When the critical care wasn’t working out we took her back to vet (two days later) and they took x-rays. He said it was cancer. That’s the end of the story pretty much, my baby only started to deteriorate and the doc said the best thing to do was euthanize her. It was March 16 by then. He told me to give the call when I was ready. I spent the next week and a half doing extensive research, looking for any other possible solution, anything that wouldnt end in an injection–but to no avail. The surgery required would be invasive, and rabbits are so sensitive the chances of her making it were slim to none, and then therapy after that would have been torture for her. As I raced against the clock, her condition was only worsening. The morning of 3/24 was our last morning together. 

 

As far as putting her down goes, I know I did the right thing. She was in tremendous pain just trying to urinate and I wasn’t going to prolong her suffering. That’s not what keeps me up at night. What kept me up at night was: where did it all go wrong? How could this have been so sudden? I was finally starting to feel less and less weepy and more and more grateful for the impact that she had in my life. I’d gone through all the stages–sorrow, guilt, anger. Until I came across a post on IG yesterday afternoon. “Us bunnies can’t eat iceberg lettuce, it’s toxic for us.” 

 

And there it was. We hadn’t introduced Iceberg lettuce to her until late February, I know this because I remember begging my parents to please stock up on mini carrots for her. We didn’t have a car at that time so things were difficult for us and we hadn’t gone grocery shopping in a while. I gave her lettuce and she loved it, so that did the trick in keeping her little heart happy. Up until her final days, it was all she ate. She wouldn’t eat her regular food, she wouldn’t eat hay, or her normally loved treats, but she ate the lettuce and cabbage. So I would leave an entire stack of it for her every night. She was getting frail and skinnier by the day, and it was all she ate. How could I have known it was the root cause of the problem? Or better yet, how could I have not known. 

 

I was already devastated that she was gone, the same baby girl that came to my life when my depression was settling in, the same baby girl that would come hopping down at the first sight of me. She was my world, and I promised her I’d keep her safe and that I would take care of her. She was two months away from getting her own room. When she was happy and healthy, I was struggling with my hand injury and it was taking both an emotional and mental toll on me, so I didn’t take the time to appreciate her as much. Maybe that, too, stressed her out? I’m an aspiring female athlete and it was my fourth injury, so it was an emotional rollercoaster. I just feel like somewhere down the line of four years I should have known that iceberg lettuce was toxic for them. This is the first loss I have ever experienced and it has been a never ending nightmare.  What hurts the most is that I killed her, both directly, and indirectly. I want to say I’m sorry, but I don’t want her forgiveness nor do I deserve it. I should have known. I was always on the internet. My mom loved spoiling her, as much as I told her that too much carrot was bad for her. She’s a mom and she just loved seeing her happy, and well.....who could possibly resist our beautiful baby girl? I don’t blame her, I should have been more strict when warning her, and I should have protected my best friend. I had two hamsters when I was 9 and both had wet tail. They died because of it. I used to have a stray cat at the age of 8? that I loved and took care of. She got hit by a car. I’d promised myself I was never going to love another furry little being again because all my love did was bring them pain. All I did was hurt them. But Luna..... my sweet angel.......she came into my life so unexpectedly. She found me. She was my first real love. I loved her more than I ever thought I could love, and boy did she love me back. I never thought I deserved it, and as it turns out, I didn’t. Her love was the purest and sweetest thing I had going in my life. The one person she loved the most, the one person she comforted and loved the most, with every last bit of remaining strength in her,  turned out to be her killer. The most selfless creature on planet Earth, murdered by the human she looked to for love and comfort.

 

 

My mom and I still hear her. She swears left and right that she’s still here with us. If she is, how could she possibly forgive me for what I did to her? I don’t understand........I miss her so much......................and somehow I still feel like I’m in a coma or in a deep sleep and this has all been a lie...... I just want my baby back.... 

[MartyT]

My poor dear ~ My heart just hurts for you as I read your tragic story, and I'm so sorry for your losing your beloved Luna. I can see by the photo you shared that she is quite beautiful, and I certainly do understand why you miss her physical presence in your life. (I happen to believe what your mom said: She is still here with you, because the love you had for each other has not died. That will stay with you forever, just as long as you keep her memory alive in your heart.)

As for the lettuce. I seriously doubt that feeding your bunny lettuce was the cause of her cancer ~ but if you're in doubt about this, I encourage you to ask your vet for an appointment so you can talk over with him (or her) the cause of your bunny's death. (From what I've read, head lettuce contains a substance that can make rabbits lethargic and  may give them a euphoric high. Like any other substance, it all depends on how much is ingested and how often.) Even if the lettuce contributed in some way to your bunny's illness, it does not mean that you are at fault and that you intended to harm her. We simply cannot know what we do not know, and unless and until you became aware of the danger beforehand and fed it to her anyway, how could you possibly know that lettuce was so harmful to her? And if you did know, do you really believe that you would have fed it to her, knowing now what you did not know then? This was an ACCIDENT, and you are not guilty of killing your beloved companion.

I hope by sharing your story here and by talking it over with supportive others in your family and circle of friends, you will look at this more objectively and one day find a way to forgive yourself. We're all human, and we all make mistakes ~ ones that we'd give ANYthing to go back in time to fix. But that is not an option. All you can do when you make a mistake like this is to learn from it, so you'll never make the same mistake again. Beyond that, you might think of some way you can help other bunny lovers not to make the same mistake. You could write an essay for a school assignment, give a speech to your classmates, or send a letter to the editor of your town's newspaper, warning other bunny owners of this danger. You could make a sign or a poster and ask your vet to display it somewhere in his office, so other rabbit owners would see it and learn from it. Whatever you do, you can find a way to honor Luna's memory ~ and if you decide to do so, you could take it one step further by helping others not to make the same mistake of feeding lettuce to their bunnies.

I thought of you when I read this writer's post today: Forgiveness ~ especially when I read these lines:

Perhaps the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, because we probably think that we were the one person our loved one trusted to take care of them. 
And yet, if we HAD seen something, if we HAD thought of something, if we HAD known that something serious was going on, we WOULD have done what was needed. We know this, because we loved them that much. 

[nstella]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

My poor dear ~ My heart just hurts for you as I read your tragic story, and I'm so sorry for your losing your beloved Luna. I can see by the photo you shared that she is quite beautiful, and I certainly do understand why you miss her physical presence in your life. (I happen to believe what your mom said: She is still here with you, because the love you had for each other has not died. That will stay with you forever, just as long as you keep her memory alive in your heart.)

As for the lettuce. I seriously doubt that feeding your bunny lettuce was the cause of her cancer ~ but if you're in doubt about this, I encourage you to ask your vet for an appointment so you can talk over with him (or her) the cause of your bunny's death. (From what I've read, head lettuce contains a substance that can make rabbits lethargic and  may give them a euphoric high. Like any other substance, it all depends on how much is ingested and how often.) Even if the lettuce contributed in some way to your bunny's illness, it does not mean that you are at fault and that you intended to harm her. We simply cannot know what we do not know, and unless and until you became aware of the danger beforehand and fed it to her anyway, how could you possibly know that lettuce was so harmful to her? And if you did know, do you really believe that you would have fed it to her, knowing now what you did not know then? This was an ACCIDENT, and you are not guilty of killing your beloved companion.

I hope by sharing your story here and by talking it over with supportive others in your family and circle of friends, you will look at this more objectively and one day find a way to forgive yourself. We're all human, and we all make mistakes ~ ones that we'd give ANYthing to go back in time to fix. But that is not an option. All you can do when you make a mistake like this is to learn from it, so you'll never make the same mistake again. Beyond that, you might think of some way you can help other bunny lovers not to make the same mistake. You could write an essay for a school assignment, give a speech to your classmates, or send a letter to the editor of your town's newspaper, warning other bunny owners of this danger. You could make a sign or a poster and ask your vet to display it somewhere in his office, so other rabbit owners would see it and learn from it. Whatever you do, you can find a way to honor Luna's memory ~ and if you decide to do so, you could take it one step further by helping others not to make the same mistake of feeding lettuce to their bunnies.

I thought of you when I read this writer's post today: Forgiveness ~ especially when I read these lines:

Perhaps the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, because we probably think that we were the one person our loved one trusted to take care of them. 
And yet, if we HAD seen something, if we HAD thought of something, if we HAD known that something serious was going on, we WOULD have done what was needed. We know this, because we loved them that much. 

Thank you very, very much for your kind and comforting words. It’s just she was doing perfectly fine and how it turned out to be cancer goes beyond me. I’ve spent all this time trying to scrap together a possible cause to all this and the lettuce seems to be the most reasonable considering it was foreign to her before she’d started experiencing urinary problems. It’s all that she ate so it’s all that I gave her. My guess is that first time that she was unresponsive was her initial reaction to it; gas problems and bloatedness....and as I continuously fed her heaps and heaps of lettuce her system went downhill from there. I am trying so hard to keep from scarring myself more than I already have...I hope I am able to muster up the courage and give her vet a call sooner than later. For the time being, I appreciate you taking the time out to write back.. Thank you..

 

(Here she is on her 4th anniversary with the family) 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I realize that mere words won't help your aching heart or change your feelings, but I do hope what Marty's said will help you through your feelings of guilt at least.  You did your best for your bunny and I'm sure your efforts were appreciated.  Perhaps the cancer wasn't so sudden but didn't affect the quality of life until it became more pronounced, and that's when you noticed it.  There's aggressive cancer as well as slow growing cancer.  But oh so many reasons for cancer, many unknown.  

I think sometimes in our loss we try to find an answer when nothing is forthcoming, as if we're trying to look for a different possible outcome, a scenario where it could have a different ending, even though that can't be now.  Our feelings don't always have to make sense, they just are.  Big hugs...