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I am 44 years and my wife was 43 years...

We have 2 lovely and wonderful sons - 17 years and 14 years..

We lost her on 12th March 2018...

I feel terrible and heavy in the heart..

sometimes, I am unable to breath also when her thoughts comes to my mind..

I cant sleep in the night...

She was fighting two deadly diseases - kidney failure and AIHA blood disorder.

She was on dialysis for last 9 years.

19 years of Marriage....

15 years of fight for Life and Survival against the deadly diseases...

Since January 2018, she was very ill and unwell....

No energy or strength or stamina left in my body and my mind is dark, blank and numb...

I have lost the Charm of my Life.....

How do I live now....?

 

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My Friend,

I feel your fresh pain. And I want to reach out and tell you that everything will be alright, but it never really will be. You obviously had a very strong and loving relationship with your wife. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here today looking for some kind of lifeline.  I know all too well what you are thinking and feeling now. I was there not too long ago. And still am, in some ways. I was my wife's caregiver her last 5 years of life. She also was a dialysis patient. I had her taken off of life support (what a hard decision that was!) on New Year's Day, 2016. We were together for 41+ years, and I still miss her every day.

I think the thing I can tell you is that grieving is a journey. Love is like a coin. One side is beautiful and happy, and the other side is ugly and unpleasant. The stronger our love was and is for our mate, the more unpleasant the grief side is going to be. I didn't happen upon this group until almost the end of my first year without my wife. After finding this place and seeing so many others here, it helped to know that what I was going through wasn't unusual or uncommon. Not because misery loves company, or anything like that. But it did help to know that I wasn't wandering around in misery and bouncing off the walls all alone. I will tell you that the pain and sadness you're feeling will ease over time.  That's why I and many others refer to this as a journey. Your wound is still so terribly fresh and raw. It will take time to begin to heal, but it will happen.  One of these days you will be sitting there trying to think of a way to console someone that will just be starting out on  their journey.  Like I am  now, today with you. That isn't what you're interested in now. I'm only saying that to you now just to give you some kind of encouragement that there is a way through this. Grief counselors help. And taking advantage of this group will. Lean on all of us here. We have all been where you now are. We know what you're going through. And we certainly don't mind being here for you. If we did, we wouldn't be here.  And know that "time heals all wounds".  Try hard to be patient with yourself as you go through this. 

I am so very sorry for your loss, my friend. I know how you are hurting right now.  Take some time to read the "stories" of some others here. You will see that we all started out right where you are right now.  And by talking and listening we are in a better place now. Time will work in your favor, the same way it did for everyone else here. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel
 

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I am so sorry you have to visit us.  This is probably the last place (or at least one of them) that people want to come.  I came after Billy had been gone three days.  I like to think he led me to this place.  He could not help me anymore and after 54-years of marriage, even with grown children and grandchildren and other relatives, I was alone.  You have teenagers that you have to put up a brave front for them.  That makes it very hard for you knowing you are missing half of your life and having the knowledge that your children are missing a big part of their life.  I did not have anyone I had to pretend to be brave for, I just shut myself off and cried until I thought I could not breathe and remember thinking what a relief it would be if I could just stop breathing.  I honestly did not think of anyone but myself.  As you go along, you will see her come to you in the presence of your children.  I always go back to what Rose Kennedy (our president John F. Kennedy's mom) said, and she had lost many of her children and her husband.  She says the wound never heals but you do develop scar tissue over the wound.  After 2-1/2 years, I would like to pretend I have developed some scar tissue, but then something happens and it rips off.  But, it forms again.  I am so sorry for your loss.  We all handle our grief in different ways, so nothing you feel is wrong.  You have come to a good place and I hope you gain peace, even a small sliver of it, ever so often from reading our experiences.  My heart is with you my friend.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  It's been over 12 years since my husband passed away.  I love how you call her the Charm of your life.  Our relationship was the best thing that ever graced my life, so I understand how bereft you must be feeling...it's not something you "get over", but rather something we have to learn to live with or adjust to.  Our life is never the same again, but somehow I'm still here, doing it.  Not sure I could tell you how, but one day at a time helps.  I wrote this based on my twelve year journey, of the things I've learned...all of us are unique but if there's even one thing that is helpful, I hope you can employ it.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 4/12/2018 at 10:08 AM, nayajivan said:

I am 44 years and my wife was 43 years...

We have 2 lovely and wonderful sons - 17 years and 14 years..

We lost her on 12th March 2018...

I feel terrible and heavy in the heart..

sometimes, I am unable to breath also when her thoughts comes to my mind..

I cant sleep in the night...

She was fighting two deadly diseases - kidney failure and AIHA blood disorder.

She was on dialysis for last 9 years.

19 years of Marriage....

15 years of fight for Life and Survival against the deadly diseases...

Since January 2018, she was very ill and unwell....

No energy or strength or stamina left in my body and my mind is dark, blank and numb...

I have lost the Charm of my Life.....

How do I live now....?

 

nayajivan,

I understand your grief and pain.  My wife suddenly died three years ago  and I felt very similar to you.  It was difficult to breathe sleep, function.  Wise counsel from this group suggested I go to the doctor to help my mind rest.  I finally went and was able to get some  rest.  This grief you experience is intense.  Please consider taking just very simple steps to get through each moment of the day.  Your grief is another expression of the deep and profound love you have for your beloved wife.  You will need to get more rest, drink more water and try to eat healthy meals even when you don't feel like it. 

Over time this intense pain will gradually loosen a bit. It is okay to cry, scream, and just express your pain. You are welcome to read my posts "Shock and Awe" that I have shared on here about my journey through grief and there are many others on here as well.  It really does help to just write out, what is in your head.  You are not alone and all of us here know and understand your pain.  This is a place that people really understand the grief and pain that you are going through.  There are tools, grief counselors, and friends here who will side with you, pray, and be there for you.  I will be interceding for you, brother.  - George , Shalom

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I have heard that before, it's unfortunate.  You have us to listen to you though, and we've all been through it, we understand.  George (iPraiseHim) suggested getting sleeping aid if you have trouble sleeping because it's so important to get our rest and very hard when we're grieving.  I wish I had done that when I first lost my George.

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Nayajan:  I am using this only as an explanation of my feelings.  Remember, I am a 75-year-old woman from the deep south and really my ways, mannerisms, and feelings have grown outward over these past many years.  Still, some things I say may sound strange, as I am sure they do to everyone else on this forum.  I get in a habit of running my thoughts through my fingers and sometimes I say too much.  

It only seems like a few years ago, but I know it must have been probably 20 or more when I was on the phone, and in correspondence with a young man from the coast of India, that I will call the west coast.  If I lived in India, being who I am right now, I would call it the west coast the same as California is our west coast.  This young man was a medical transcriptionist, as I was.  I cannot remember why or when we got to talking, but we talked often.  He had just lost his father and was supporting his mother with his transcription job.  I never saw him, but I pictured him many times.  He got married during the time we were talking,, I assumed it was a marriage he picked out for himself.  He was very happy, and yes, his mother would still be supported by him.  There was no worry or problems with this, and I admired him so much.  We did not talk much after that, but one time he got in touch with me and wanted me to go to work for him in his transcription service that he had started.  The USA was sending much of their transcription to India at that time.  I was getting close to retirement (a 2nd time) and did not want to work anymore.  I hope he had much success with his business and I so admired him for taking care of his family.  That does not happen in the USA as much as it does in other countries.  

Nayajan, it really does not matter where we live, we all bleed if we are cut, we all try for happiness, we all support our families, we all, all over the world, try to make sense of things that are happening that we have no control over.  One thing we do have control over though, our grief is ours alone, (which we share on this forum), your boys have their own grief, it is their own,  and that is one thing we support, anything we can do, we will try to do, if it is to just help you have one moment's peace.  

My heart is with you.  

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Nayajan:

I know the pain that you are going through, as I just lost my husband of 18 years on 12/20/17.  But there are some consoling things that I had forgotten about. I had been a devote of Paramahansa Yodananda for many year prior to meeting my Rick. He was 100% western beliefs, so I  let my Eastern beliefs slide.I am now getting my lessons again, and soon will be attending weekly meditation groups.I hope that some sort of mediation can help you- it calms the mind. Whatever your beliefs, please do some gratitude's, as I have found that a way to not only give me peace, but open the door to 'the other side'.  I have had multiple 'visitations' by my Rick  in the form of electrical aberrations, such as the car radio turning itself on and off with no key and other things Just because we can't see them due to  our physical body limitations doesn't mean our loved ones aren't there. There is another site that I have found great comfort in: 

https://www.soulproof.com/loved-one-died/   but it's only in  IMHO.. I know this must be agony for you with having young sons, but know they were somewhat prepared as your wife had been ill for a long time That doesn't make their or your loss easier. We all understand your agony right now. But breathe.....and then next breath, between sobs, will come. I am only 4 months out, but I know that our day-to-day living gets easier. I never had children, so I can't fully understand how hard must be for you. You are grieving your wife, but also grieving the mother to your children, who are also lost at this time. I send you great hugs for having to go through this as a parent, and still finding the personal grieving and knowing your sons need help too..  We all know how HARD the first few months are.....know that we are all here for you, Nayajan.

Hugs,,,,Steph

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Thank you very much friends for the kind and absolute support and care showered on me in these difficult times..

Though, it is very easy to say to accept this cruel, harsh, evil, unfair and untimely loss, I feel like that I will not be able to live without her..

All negative and suicidal thoughts keep coming, popping up and creeping in my mind all the times these days..

I just cant get her thoughts and her out of my mind, heart, eyes, brain and each cell of my body...

I am feeling emotionally and mentally so low and weak that I have no energy even to do any work or even to eat food also..

I am really unable to help myself and to think to live alone without her anymore...

 

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Nayajivan, I am so sorry to hear how you feel..  I will say that many, most on this forum feel, and have felt, the same.  I will tell you unashamedly, I was married 54-years, I knew no other life really.  In my traumatized mind I planned out a way to be with Billy.  I had the means, no pain, I wanted no physical pain because the mental pain itself was more pain that I could bear.  I would drive my truck into the many backwoods roads in our national forest, places we had walked together.  No one would find me.  I would write notes to my family.  They would miss me, but Billy was our head of the family, and I was just following him.  My young granddaughter got word of what I was going to do, overheard my talking to myself.  The rest of the family intervened and I honestly was made so ashamed of myself.  They were so angry at me.  How could they be angry with me?  I just wanted to be with myself, I was him, he was me, we needed to be together.  Since then, I have fought many wars with this family.  What seemed the easiest way "out" was not easy for anyone but me.  You have young children.  It is hard to think of others when our needs are to be with the one who left.  Then I remembered Billy saying "the one left must stay."  I got angry.  I had been sick so much, why did I have to stay?  I did not want to stay.  How selfish of him to make me stay.

In the 2-1/2 years (yesterday) that he has been gone, my family has depended on me so much I just want to yell at them to  leave me alone.  Quit needing me so much.  I am only one person, but in a note that was put on a social network my daughter described me as the matriarch of the family and four people depended on me.  They do, and I want to scream "quit depending on me," but I cannot do that.  You will have many bittersweet moments in your young life.  Your boys will graduate, they will go on to colleges perhaps, they will get jobs and might leave you, but you will have grandchildren, and you will wonder how, and will miss your wife not knowing these grandchildren, but they will know you, they will love you.  We lost our main life and love.  We lost our reason for living.  Time does not heal those wounds.  They will never heal, but as I mentioned before, a little woman who lived past 100 years old and lost her husband, lost many of her children, she said time does not heal wounds, but we develop scar tissue over those wounds.  

My granddaughter heard me talking last night.  I was looking at a picture of Billy in his younger days.  To me, at age 75, he was even better looking (and looks did not matter), but the essence of the man that was my main reason for living, I saw him in the picture, and I said "I cannot believe you left me" and she heard me in the back room.  I will keep talking to him.  I will never quit.  Then, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, one day in the future, I will join him.  Until then, I will be the "head of our family, and as they call me, the heart of the family, until it is my time to go.  I won't choose the time.  But I won't fight it either.  Please give yourself time to grieve.  Let your boys grieve, but don't make them grieve both of you.  If not for this forum, I would already have left..............and I would have been wrong.  We lost one of our members not long ago, at his own hands, and he left a grieving family that flounders.  We have to endure the hurt for others.  

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Dear one, I can only hope that Marg's wise and tender words will offer you some measure of comfort, and reassure you that what you are feeling (especially this early in your grief journey) is normal. That is to say that it is quite common for someone in your circumstances to think that, as you say, you cannot live without your beloved. I understand that your country does not offer much support for someone in your situation ~ but that does not mean that you must bear this pain all alone. You've already found your way to this warm and caring group, and I hope you can feel our collective arms around you. I urge you to listen very carefully to the wisdom that is shared here, because it comes from people who are traveling the very same path that you are walking now, and many have felt as you are feeling now. I also urge you to do some reading about what is normal in grief, so you'll know better what to expect in the days and weeks ahead. You might begin with this: Thoughts of Suicide in Grief 

I must emphasize that our site is not intended for individuals who are in crisis and actively contemplating suicide.  If you truly believe that you are in danger of harming yourself, please read this first. If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please know that The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a database of crisis centers throughout the world, and other international suicide helplines can be found at Befrienders Worldwide.
 

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@nayajivan

I've been pondering your post these past few hours and I want you to know that your feelings are common and normal in grief, especially when it's your beloved spouse you're missing.  It's important to give yourself ample time to process your grief and to begin to adjust to the life you now have.  I know it's not what you want, it's not what any of us wanted.  I felt as you did in the early days but I'm so glad I didn't act upon it.  It took me probably three years to just process my grief and longer yet to find purpose and even more time to create a life I could live.  I do hope you'll give it that chance, you have little ones to think about and they need their father.  Our reunion day will wait for us, and we will be together again, at least that is my utmost belief and the hope I hold inside of me even as I carry my husband in my heart.

I know you love your wife with every bit of your being, that is evident in how you speak of her, I hear you cherish her in your words.  You pay heed to her by the life you live and the way you raise your children, and carry on her legacy with honor. 

You are in my thoughts and prayers, even as I know you are with others here.

There are grief specialists that provide support over the phone, I don't know what phone rates are out of the country, but that is a consideration since there is nothing local available to you.

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We are fortunate that nowadays, no matter where we live, so many grief resources are as near as the keyboard on our computers. Many are aimed specifically at single dads and young widowers like yourself. You'll find a number of such online resources listed in this article, Resources for Young Widow(er)swhich I hope you will find helpful. (See also some of the links included at the base of the post.)  

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