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Gwen,  at a quarter a burden, I think we would need a bigger coin box.

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I have a piggy bank full of quarters...looking for that sign! :D

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My issue now is I try to be optimistic but  my cynical side appears very easily...Forward then backward,,,,,,

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Had the biggest mood swing last week. Went from possibly best days since 3/31/17 on Th and Fri to masive grief attacks on the weekend. 5/13 is the day I had Susan's Memorial service a year ago. Maybe that is part of it. Been coming to appreciate the Hindu custom of suttee, even tho it's only for women.

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I’ve in a place where I feel no one really hears me about how bad the grief and stress are getting.  My counselors know I don’t have much motivation to stay in this world.  As more and more things keep coming up to deal with alone the worse it gets.  A toothache last night now adds another possible complex solution my dentist feels a specialist may be needed.  Nothing feels simple anymore.  The one thing I do know is I am not thinking rationally and can’t find a way to get some reasonable perspective back. It’s from months of endless physical pain and lack of restorative sleep.  I have only one major thought that sticks with me all day.  I don’t want to live without Steve.  It’s been over 3 years now and getting worse.  If I tack on the years before he left it’s even more overwhelming.  I feel I am shouting into a void.  People see and recognize me, but I don’t.  I so want to be that other me.  I know I never will.  I want to care about life.  I’m so tired of speaking of him in that past tense.  I’m tired of him being that past tense.

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Gwen, my dear, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so alone and so hopeless. I can hear the despair in the words you write, and my heart hurts for you. You say it feels as if no one really hears you, but I can assure you that all the friends you have here on this site are listening and we DO hear you ~ and we are just as powerless to fix this as you are. I agree with you that months of endless physical pain and lack of restorative sleep are affecting your state of mind, and I can only hope and pray that your counselors and your doctors are aware of what's going on with you and are keeping a close eye on you. There is precious little we can do in a forum such as this one to keep you safe, other than to continue providing you with an outlet where you can feel your feelings and express your thoughts without fear of retaliation or retribution. I can only hope and pray that it's enough . . . :(

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Thank you Marty.  I know this is a safe place and often is better than my counselors.  They try, they truly do.  It’s conveying my thoughts and feelings that is hard verbally at times when I can write it better.  Sometimes I print things out for them.  When you are on the clock, it’s often you don’t feel very much was accomplished.plus they aren’t there in the really dark hours in the night or when you are facing yet another challenge.  The thing we miss our other halves for.  

Don’t know what I’d do without all of you.   💖💖💖

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Gwen, sometimes I think maybe I eat because of grief, sometimes I think maybe I eat to hasten the end.  I know my legs do not appreciate it and neither does my body.  I say I'm gonna quit and I know I would not let myself get like this if Billy was still here.  I am here to help everybody, but don't seem to want to help myself.

My friend who went into the nursing home, she is in a sort of lock down situation because she will wander off.  She might have an alcoholic dementia that put her there.  This week they took her in and she was in a septic condition and was not expected to live.  She is not Alzheimer's demented but we were losing her and all I could think was she had asked to see me and talk face to face before she went into the NH.  I sometimes try to hide, I guess.  I did not go and with this happening, I knew the guilt was going to pile on.  By some miracle though it was found she had blood clots in her lungs, and they transferred her to another ICU and are putting a filter in to help keep this from happening.  I think they call them a Greenfield filter and a lot of you have probably heard of them.  They removed the breathing tube and she is responding.  I just feel like I am going to get to go see her.  It might not be that important to her, but it is to me.  

I don't know what my purpose is, but I come here because people are suffering and we all suffer in so many different ways.  My heart is with you.  Does not help, but it is with you.  

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Gwen,

Marty already expressed my thoughts perfectly for me, but I'm glad you know we hear you and care about you.  You are so right about physical pain and its effects, so hard to maintain any perspective without proper sleep.  Gosh, I miss a few nights and I change into another person!  It does help to have others going through similar things that understand...it may not fix it, but somehow knowing we're not alone in what we go through, helps.

And now tooth pain too???!!  I know so many going through that!  I hope they can fix what's causing it quickly!

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Kay, the tooth fix seems to have been simple, so far.  Let’s say my trust factor on anything is about gone.  He ground down the tooth so it wasnt taking the brunt force of chewing and probably grinding at night even with a nightguard.  I don’t recall what proper sleep is.  The last I recall of that was about 2 years ago.  All I know is when I get to sleep, it ends way too soon.  My kingdom, humble as it is, for a good nights sleep again.  😔

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I'm glad it was a simple fix, I know too many people going through some serious tooth issues, some of them with permanent damage because they couldn't get in to the dentist soon enough.  I'm glad my dentist always gets me right in when needed!  Another reason I pay out of pocket to go to them instead of to the ones the insurance covers that aren't worth anything.

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