Distant Dad After Mom's Death

[Blue Captain]

Mom died when I was 12, my brother was 18 months. It seemed that Dad died with her. He buried himself at work, he is very rarely home. At the time he IS home, he locks himself in the study and I was told not to bother him ever. The house staff took care of me and my brother. We had the toys we wanted, we never lacked anything or starved (except for his affection). Dad missed birthdays, Christmas, and everything. Oh there were gifts signed "from Dad" (probably picked out by his aides), but other than that nothing. Worse, Mom got put in a box: her photos are stashed away (except for some that I smuggled and hid in my room); her rings and necklaces are in a vault, her dresses and things were auctioned or donated. Dad forbade me from framing her picture and putting it among the family photos in the house. Five years later, nothing changed. Dad is still buried with work, but my brother and I grew up. I'm 18 now and he is 7. He is asking questions like "Does Dad love us? I assure my brother that Dad loves us, but he is sad about Mom's death, and work is his way of dealing with it. But my brother goes "If he does, why can't he tell the people in his office to work so that he can come home? He's the boss right." I have tried begging Dad to spend some time even with my brother only (personally begged and through his aides), but I got nowhere except getting an earful and being grounded. I understand that it hurts so much to lose someone you loved so deeply. I know my parents adored each other--my memories prove that. But I also wish that Dad won't shut us out anymore, or at least my brother. My childhood was rotten since Mom died but I don't want that for my brother. The only advice I get from adults is "Understand your father, losing his beloved wife is not easy." I don't know what to do anymore.

[kayc]

Blue Captain,

I am so sorry.  You are very adult for your age, you've had to deal with way too much, I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry this impacted your childhood so much, and that of your brother.  You at least have memories of your mother, but your brother hasn't even got that.  I'm glad your brother has you.  You probably wonder who you have.  This reminds me of the Cat's in the Cradle song because I can see the handwriting on the wall.  I'm glad you were able to smuggle out some pictures before they were locked up.  

Some people are uncomfortable with death, with grief and they really don't know what to do with it...as if ignoring it is the solution.  You have seen that doesn't solve anything.

I know no one can "make" anyone do anything, they can't force response, I'm sure people have tried talking to your dad.  All you can do is live your life the best you can and someday if you have kids, BE THERE for them.  Be the dad you always wanted.

[MartyT]

9 hours ago, Blue Captain said:

My childhood was rotten since Mom died but I don't want that for my brother. The only advice I get from adults is "Understand your father, losing his beloved wife is not easy." I don't know what to do anymore.

Dear one, you don't say whether you have any close relatives whose support you can rely upon, but I hope for your sake that one or more of the adults in your life are there for you. Are your teachers (and your brother's teachers) at school aware of your home situation? I imagine that, given your age, you are close to graduating from high school and maybe preparing to leave home for college ~ and I imagine your concern for your younger brother is affecting whatever choices or plans or dreams you may have to begin making an independent life for yourself. I am so sorry that you're in such a difficult and challenging situation. If there is a guidance counselor or a teacher at your school whom you can trust, I urge you to make an appointment with that person and share what  you have written here. This is way too much responsibility for you to be bearing alone at your age. You need and deserve the guidance of an adult on whom you can depend ~ but first you need to let someone know what is going on in your family. 

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam KayC,

Thank you for your kind words. I listened to Cats in the Cradle, it was very scary. Is there really a huge scientific possibility that I will turn out like my Dad one day--that I'll be a distant dad whose only role is to provide financially for his family?  That scares me so much, so please forgive me if my first words sound very rude. I'm just really scared by the possibility. But I like to think that my rotten childhood will drive me to be the opposite of a distant Dad. I tell my brother stories about Mom  and show her pictures every chance I get, assure him that he loved her (and Dad too, before everything with south). Stories aren't enough but it's the best I can do to share about Mom. I had to make my brother keep quiet about it though, make it our "guy secret." He seems thrilled and imagines that we are secret agents handling important info. I see that you're a Christian, so am I. I tried talking to a youth pastor once and told him everything, even the smuggled pictures. He said I stole the pictures and sinned. Did I? I prayed that night for God to forgive me, that the pictures are all I've got left of Mom. When I talk about something to the youth pastor I'm always told to pray for God's will, read the Bible and be quiet to hear it. Thing is nobody showed me how finding God's will in the Bible works. Like to do I open the Bible at some random page and do what's in there? As to prayer, I don't know how to know that something is God's will. What the signs are--that kind of thing. No definite advice like "Here's what you're going to do." If it's not too much trouble, could you please give me some tips on how this works?

With respect and thanks,

Blue Captain

***

Dear Madam MartyT,

Thank you for your kind words. I tried to talk to adults before. And their reply was the same. It was along the lines of "Your father is grieving, it's not easy." or "Look at it from your father's point. He lost his wife, but he's still providing for you." or "There are other kids who are abused by their guardians, you could've been much worse." While I am indeed thankful that my brother and I are well-cared for, we are both really desperate for Dad's attention. Since all the adults I spoke to told me to give Dad space, I never spoke to another adult again. I guess I got tired of hearing the same reply. I am indeed preparing for college. I will be going to a business school a little far from home. It is difficult for my brother too. At least he's relaxing when I told him that we can Skype or call each other and that I'd be home during Christmas and the summer or if I have a chance in between.

With respect and thanks,

Blue Captain  

 

[MartyT]

If the quotes you've shared with us are any indication of the sort of advice you're getting from the adults you know, my friend, then you are wise to "never speak to another adult again" ~ at least, not to THOSE adults. Telling you that things could've been much worse is totally irrelevant, has nothing to do with you, and completely discounts what you are experiencing! Telling a motherless teen whose dad is ignoring or neglecting his children that he needs to "give Dad space" serves only to do the same. Besides, how are you supposed to know what that means ~ to give Dad space? You are not the parent in this situation, and it is not your responsibility to be taking care of your father (or your little brother, for that matter). It is your dad's responsibility to be taking care of you. The fact that he is still mourning the death of your mom is no excuse. He owes it to his children to take care of his grief in such a way that he still can take care of you ~ and that may mean that he needs the support of a qualified grief counselor.

You shouldn't be placed in the position of doing a better job of parenting your little brother than your father is doing, but it seems as if that is exactly the position in which you find yourself, and for that, I am truly sorry. I hope that when you get away from home and begin your life in college, you'll discover that not all adults are as uncaring and as insensitive as the ones you've been exposed to so far. I hope that at your business school you will find a teacher or a school counselor who has some experience with grief, and the profound effects that parent loss and absent parenting can have on a child. Meanwhile, I hope that you will do some reading yourself, so you'll have a better understanding of what is normal in grief and what you can do to cope with it ~ as well as how you can support your little brother under these less than ideal circumstances. See, for example, Never the Same: Coming to Terms with the Death of A Parent ~ a book you can pick up at your local library, or you can find it on Amazon.

You might find one or more of these articles to be of interest as well:

Teen Grief: Mourning the Death of a Parent

Helping Grieving Children: A List of Suggested Resources

[ListeningFriend]

Hi Blue Captain,
I love the advice of kayc and MartyT, and like them I am relieved by your maturity in this difficult situation. It is good that you are a Christian, I hope that you do not ever neglect your faith because it will help you and your brother with this situation. I can tell from your words that you are very polite and probably has some sort of good education and modeling as far as behavior is concerned.

Although the adults you mentioned are quite right that you are financially and physically provided for that is never enough. Nevertheless, thank God for these blessings because it could have been worse. The advice given so far are excellent, in my opinion. So I would like to share my opinion on two things not covered.

First of all, I just want to tell you that some youth pastors can be a nightmare. Some youth pastors romantically imagine serving God because it seems cool but have not taken the time to find out if it really suits them and further down the road, eventually lead young people astray. I know several sad stories among them my nephew who just lost his mother and the youth pastor instigated a cruel prank on him. I just want to impress on you that when you go to college, check up on your brother once in a while, which you already mentioned.

The other thing is finding God’s will. While there is no formula, sometimes Scriptures speak to you directly, sometimes through the advice of mature Christians and sometimes you just become more aware of certain things, like when your eyes are drawn to a red car and suddenly you start noticing red cars more than cars of other colors. I read a booklet from Charles Swindoll called Knowing God’s Will. I checked his website and they might have expanded it because the title is a bit different. I got the link for you here https://store.insight.org/p-1286-finding-and-following-gods-will.aspx. I assume that you have some means to get this.

Finally, would it be okay to pray for you, your brother and most of all your dad? I just so burdened by your story when I saw it that I felt the need to join this forum. I am also a Christian who has gone through a bit. So, I want to help others if I can. Thank you for this opportunity.
 

[iPraiseHim]

4 hours ago, Blue Captain said:

Dear Madam KayC,

Thank you for your kind words. I listened to Cats in the Cradle, it was very scary. Is there really a huge scientific possibility that I will turn out like my Dad one day--that I'll be a distant dad whose only role is to provide financially for his family?  That scares me so much, so please forgive me if my first words sound very rude. I'm just really scared by the possibility. But I like to think that my rotten childhood will drive me to be the opposite of a distant Dad. I tell my brother stories about Mom  and show her pictures every chance I get, assure him that he loved her (and Dad too, before everything with south). Stories aren't enough but it's the best I can do to share about Mom. I had to make my brother keep quiet about it though, make it our "guy secret." He seems thrilled and imagines that we are secret agents handling important info. I see that you're a Christian, so am I. I tried talking to a youth pastor once and told him everything, even the smuggled pictures. He said I stole the pictures and sinned. Did I? I prayed that night for God to forgive me, that the pictures are all I've got left of Mom. When I talk about something to the youth pastor I'm always told to pray for God's will, read the Bible and be quiet to hear it. Thing is nobody showed me how finding God's will in the Bible works. Like to do I open the Bible at some random page and do what's in there? As to prayer, I don't know how to know that something is God's will. What the signs are--that kind of thing. No definite advice like "Here's what you're going to do." If it's not too much trouble, could you please give me some tips on how this works?

With respect and thanks,

Blue Captain

***

Dear Madam MartyT,

Thank you for your kind words. I tried to talk to adults before. And their reply was the same. It was along the lines of "Your father is grieving, it's not easy." or "Look at it from your father's point. He lost his wife, but he's still providing for you." or "There are other kids who are abused by their guardians, you could've been much worse." While I am indeed thankful that my brother and I are well-cared for, we are both really desperate for Dad's attention. Since all the adults I spoke to told me to give Dad space, I never spoke to another adult again. I guess I got tired of hearing the same reply. I am indeed preparing for college. I will be going to a business school a little far from home. It is difficult for my brother too. At least he's relaxing when I told him that we can Skype or call each other and that I'd be home during Christmas and the summer or if I have a chance in between.

With respect and thanks,

Blue Captain  

 

Blue Captain,

I read your posts with empathy and pain.  You sound like you are doing the best you can in spite of the circumstances.  It is difficult to understand adults even when they are your parents.  I am a Christian and my views on parents, adults, people, and God has changed over the years.  My prayers are simple and is what helps me through every trial and challenge of life.  "Lord, help me" . God's Word says that when you seek God with your whole heart you will find him.  God forgives us on a much deeper level than I understood when I was young.  One of my favorite names of God is "ABBA" which means Daddy God.  He is our loving farther and protector as well.  I will continue to pray and intercede for you that God will send you a trustworthy mentor to help and guide you on your Christian path. 

Check into Christian clubs on campus, this website may help https://intervarsity.org/

and this place has good resources. https://www.wretched.org/wretched-mission/

Shalom

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Blue Captain said:

Is there really a huge scientific possibility that I will turn out like my Dad one day--that I'll be a distant dad whose only role is to provide financially for his family?  That scares me so much, so please forgive me if my first words sound very rude. I'm just really scared by the possibility.

You don't have to be that way, it's totally up to you how you turn out.  I didn't mention it with that idea in mind, but rather the regret your dad will feel one day when his life slows down and he sees all he missed.

 

18 hours ago, Blue Captain said:

He said I stole the pictures and sinned. Did I? I prayed that night for God to forgive me, that the pictures are all I've got left of Mom.

Oh my gosh, really!  I'm sorry that's the only response your youth pastor could think up, good grief!  He missed the more important picture (no pun intended) in stopping to get hung up on less significant details.  I'm sorry, some people are judgmental and carry things to the letter of the law, but in so doing miss loving just like the Pharisees Jesus chastised.  Don't worry about it, you have a tender heart, I think Jesus understands.

 

 

[Blue Captain]

Today is Mom's anniversary and it's a painful difficult day. The radio played Mom's song on the way to school and it took all I had not to curl up in the backseat and cry, especially when I saw mothers drop their kids off at my brother's school. The little man, thankfully, is handling this day better than me. At school, time is like jello. It's hard for me to concentrate and a real effort not to totally space out. My classmates are noticing that I'm not on the top of my game. I hope I can keep it together... just a few more hours. My brother and I are visiting Mom after school.

 

[Blue Captain]

Dear Listening Friend and IPraiseHim,

Thank you for your advice. My faith is the only thing I have, it is the one that keeps me going when I fly blind into the uncharted territory of looking after my brother and his questions, as well as dealing with the situation I find myself in.

 

With respect and thanks,

Blue Captain 

[kayc]

I hope you are able to talk to a school counselor about all you are going through.  It does help to get it out and not have to hold everything in all the time. 

I also hope that going to see your mom helped you some.  

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam KayC,

I hope the courage to talk to another adult will come. My past experiences of opening up haven't really been helpful, so I'm a little wary. I have my journal--and now this forum--though writing alone may not be enough. For now that is my outlet, and music too. You're right, visiting Mom helped. My brother and I looked at pictures and had some stories about her and I taught my brother her favorite song. It was both a happy and sad moment. I was thankful that Dad hadn't come home that evening; there would have been a grounding for me if he heard us playing/singing the song. 

Respectfully,

Blue Captain

[kayc]

I told my Sunday School class your story this morning...they were blown away by your youth pastor's "response".  I'm sorry you have to keep your feelings hidden.  It's good that you're journaling.

[Blue Captain]

Like I said before, Dad missed special occasions.  Today at breakfast Dad's aide made a house call and announced that at a certain weekend, Dad will take us somewhere fun and unusual "to get away and relax together." My brother and I are looking forward to it, excited. This would be the first time in two years that Dad would hang out with us, wherever it may be.

But I'm just afraid that Dad won't turn up like we expect him to. It happened lots of times before-- at birthday parties or important school events some aide would show up "with his apologies."  All that after weeks of being told about the event so that his people could rearrange his calendar. I'm quietly hoping Dad will show up. My brother on the other hand is over the moon and won't stop talking about it. 

Should I tell him not to get his hopes up? If yes, how do I tell him? If not, then what should I do? I don't want to see him so broken again. The fiasco of his last birthday was torture enough.

 

[kayc]

You might mention to your brother to keep in mind that often things come up and to wait and see what happens.  I understand your protectiveness!

[Blue Captain]

I talked to a classmate and he made me think of something. Now I can't get it out of my head. He knows what's going on in my family and his opinion is that Dad is a having a "Severus Snape situation." Snape is a teacher from Harry Potter. He loved Harry's mom Lily, but Lily loved and married James Potter instead. Their son, Harry, looks like James but has Lily's eyes. When Harry goes to school, Snape hates his guts because in Harry he sees the man he hated and the woman he loved and lost.

My classmate has this opinion that Dad is distancing himself from me and my brother maybe because he sees Mom in both of us and it reminds him that she's gone. My brother especially, since he looks like Mom except his eyes and hair. (I look like Dad except my eyes) I don't know if what he said is the real reason of Dad's actions, but I can't help but think. Obviously I can't know the truth unless Dad or someone tells me. No point asking because I don't want to be in trouble.

And then my classmate asked, "What are you gonna do or say if it is?" I snorted at him, but that question is like an awful tease in my head right now. Telling Dad "What about looking at us and thinking of the happy stuff instead" doesn't sound right to my ears.  

 

[kayc]

Your roommate might be onto something.  As long as you're living in his home, it might not be the time to say something to him as you have to live with the aftermath and he hasn't exactly made himself approachable.  But there may come a time when it is right for this discussion.  It just seems so wrong that a child should have to grow up with this.  I doubt seriously that your dad has consciously recognized that you guys remind him of your mom that he's lost, but it may be down in his subconscious mind, directing his behaviors.  I'm so sorry, I know you're between a rock and a hard spot right now.

I grew up with abuse and couldn't change it or do anything about it then, although I tried.  All I could do was learn from it, take it with me as an adult of what NOT to do as a parent.  I took parenting classes when my daughter was born because I knew what NOT to do, but didn't know what TO do as I'd never had the proper role modeling.  It really helped.  I think I've been a great mom and have two wonderful adult children to show for it. 

It's also important to not let how HE demonstrates himself to you (or not) define you or who you are.  You are in charge of your own destiny, who you become, the relationships you forge with your children and others.

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam KayC,

Thank you for your words. The question is popping less in my head,  not like a banging sledgehammer.. And thank you for reassuring me that I am the captain of my own destiny (that sounds like Invictus 😁 ) I'll make a mental note to take parenting classes too, when I have kids one day--that's a good idea. I understand knowing the "don'ts" but not knowing the "do's."

About talking to Dad one day, how will I know that the time is right?

With respects,

Blue Captain

[MartyT]

15 minutes ago, Blue Captain said:

About talking to Dad one day, how will I know that the time is right?

There is no such thing as the "right" time to talk to anyone about anything, my friend. You need to be okay in your own mind about what you want to say to someone and why you want to say it. Have a clear idea in your own mind of what you wish to accomplish by having such a talk (that is, what exactly is your objective, and what do you hope to accomplish by having this talk), and anticipate as best you can how the other person might react or how he might respond. Then decide if the benefits of having such a talk outweigh whatever costs may ensue.

For what it's worth, based on what you've told us about your father, I doubt whether he even knows himself WHY he is reacting to your mother's death the way he is, and if HE doesn't know, I doubt that he'd be able to explain it to you. And in the end, does it really matter WHY he is treating you and your brother like this? You have no control over how your father is reacting to your mother's death. The only person you can control in this situation is you.

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam MartyT,

I've learned to live with the fact that Dad is here but he's not checking in with us. Sometimes it still hurts though. And I miss the Dad I knew before Mom died. We drove Mom crazy by nicking cookies fresh from baking, just Dad and me flying or riding bikes around town. I know it's no use living in the past. It's just, I miss it and wonder what happened.

I guess the question of my classmate sent my mind into overdrive. And I wish that sometimes when my brother asks a question I have something better than "Sorry Wingman, I don't know. I'm lost like you." Or that if I need some life tips, I can ask someone without worrying if my words sound polite or if I sound like a jerk. I know that sometimes the words we use or our voice will give a different meaning to the real thing. And I find myself thinking "I wouldn't have to worry about that stuff with a parent."

With respects,

Blue Captain

[kayc]

Your answer to your brother is honest and heartfelt and I don't think there is any better answer than that.  Marty expounded on what I said and gave you some good things to consider about if or when you ever decide to have that talk with that dad.  So many things I never said to my parents (like why did you drive me while you were drunk?  What were you thinking, beating on me?) because it was futile, they were in denial, and it wouldn't have gotten us anywhere.  Somehow, just having gotten through that time and learning from it was enough for me.  One of the most important things we can learn is to break the cycle of abuse, whether it's overt as in my case, or something more subtle but just as devastating like in yours.  Doing better...that's the best thing we can do with it.  And I so agree, I doubt seriously your dad has any idea he's hurting you, he's not likely making conscious choices but reacting without realization of it.  Our parents tend to do their best, sometimes that's not good enough as in acceptable, but it's worthy of our forgiveness at some point and it helps to realize they really didn't know better.

[Blue Captain]

Dear Madam KayC,

Thank you for explaining.

 

With respects,

Blue Captain

[Blue Captain]

This is not grief related. Life is just too much the last few weeks, help would be great.

In my brother's school, a girl hit a boy. We talked about it, and I said, "If that happens to you, tell your teacher or any adult." Then I reminded him it's not good to hit anyone, boy or girl. We got talking about tae kwon do. I explained that it is for self defence, that it is for protecting yourself and not kicking people just because you can. And then my brother went, "What if there aren't any adults?" I said, "First, tell the person to stop because you don't like getting hit. Walk away if you can, and find help. If he or she doesn't listen and you can't walk away, protect yourself." He got curious about why there is "girl power" but no "boy power." I explained that the girl power motto is to encourage girls to be brave and not be afraid to protect themselves. And that the rules apply to boys too, that we should not be scared to protect ourselves when needed.

His nanny overheard us and berated me for "teaching violence to a child with that accursed martial art and prejudiced thinking." Then she told my brother to not listen to me and to never hit a girl no matter what, because girls are sweet, they'd never hit anyone. That if a girl hits him, he should be a man and walk away. That girls should be loved, cherished and protected. Then she said, "Do you want to hit your Mom?" Of course, my brother said no.

I'm all for loving, respecting, and cherishing girls. And not hitting them--and anybody--just for the sake of hitting. And I'm all for girls learning skills to protect themselves. But I have a problem with what Nanny said--that girls will never hit any person. It happens in school and on the playground. I've seen it in my own school: walking away too often will make you an easy target. Bullies never attack with an adult watching, but there are times when adults are not around. How do I go about this with my brother? I want him to be a gentleman, but I don't want him to be a pushover.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Blue Captain said:

Then she told my brother to not listen to me and to never hit a girl no matter what, because girls are sweet, they'd never hit anyone. That if a girl hits him, he should be a man and walk away.

If that were completely true you wouldn't have been having this conversation.  It's just as abusive to be violent whether boy or girl, man or woman.  I have known men who were abused by women half their size and "took it" because they felt they had to.  In one of their case, she filed charges against him and he ended up in court!  Sometimes it seems a guy is in a really hard place.  I think your advice is good, but first option foremost should be getting away and telling a trusted adult.  At a school the children should not be without adult supervision especially today.  If there's a way to block their attempts to hit you, that should be used over retorting violence, but there's a whole spectrum, this is an area to be very careful in because tables can be turned on you.