First Mother's Day Without Mom

[xmcll]

Hello 🙂 

My mom passed away back in November. She was in her early 60s and died very suddenly of a heart attack. I have been trying to deal with her death and process the grief as much as possible, but of course there are times where it's very difficult. I know for a fact the month of May is going to be extremely hard for me because Mother's Day (May 13th) is only days before her birthday (May 16th). 

I have gone through milestones without her already. She died in early November and just days later I had my 24th birthday, but I was so numb at that point I could not truly feel anything -- physically or emotionally. I've gone through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my sister's birthday without her. I noticed that, as time passes, the numbness of grief has slowly faded and the holidays and milestones seem to get harder and harder. Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went, but I very much felt the physical effects of grief and depression during my sister's birthday (April 5th). I was incredibly lethargic, could not concentrate at work, and got frequent jaw aches/headaches. I'm feeling these exact same things settling in again as Mother's Day and Mom's Birthday approaches. 

I know it will be difficult either way, but I was wondering if anyone who has lost their mother, or a parent or grandparent, has any advice on dealing with holidays like this? I've already requested her birthday off from work because I know I will not be able to hold it together or be productive in the least bit. I've been speaking with my grief counselor . I've also been journaling and will start to practice mindful exercises. 

But if anyone has advice or can even share their own experiences of their first mother's day without their mom and how they dealt with it, I would love to hear. Just to know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. 

[iPraiseHim]

xmcll,

You are not alone.  My mother passed away 10 years ago.  My Mom's birthday is May 7th and I am reminded every Mother's Day advertisement each year that she is not here. For me the first year of "Not Here" reminder triggers bombarded me. 

These feelings of Grief is your love for here that you can not seemingly express to her now, yet I sense that my remembering her and all of the good times and memories help to fill my days with expressions of her love.  Feel the feelings, cry, write, scream, pray.. however you feel you need to express it.  If possible, find someone you can safely express your feelings.  My beloved wife was my best friend and companion then. 

The tools you mention using and MartyT, has many more resources available as well as many other people here who listen, share, and express.  I will never forget or stop loving my Mom. She shared with me all of her wonderful traits that helped me to become the best person I am. I remember her well in so many ways.  Her smile, laugh, sense of humor, always playing with us kids, made reading exciting and adventurous, cooking, cleaning, helping others, ... so many things. Her legacy shines in me as I express it to others.  In time, you will remember all of those things with your Mom and those memories will supersede her passing.  ((( HUGS))) - Shalom

[phoenixtag]

xmcll-

Everything you wrote here is very normal.   And iPraisehim's response is right on the money.

All I will add here...and this was for me...I went to one of the Hospice of the Valley events they have right before the holiday season....like early November....and that was one of the most cathartic steps I took....knowing that I wasn't alone in the way I was reacting and feeling.

Best to you.

[MartyT]

I invite you to read this article, and be sure to check out some of the resources listed at the base: When Mother's Day Hurts: Selected Resources ❤️

[Blue Captain]

Dear Xmcll,

Maybe you could visit her resting place. If you're not up to going out, you can look at her pictures and reminisce with your family. 

Hope this helps.

With respects,

Blue Captain

[kayc]

As George mentioned, the first year without is hard...Mother's Day, birthday, all of the holidays, etc.  Once I'd been through them I knew I could survive the next year without.  It seems that going through something hard in your life is a trigger when you're used to turning to your mom and can't now.  I guess this is what all of their preparing us is for...so we can stand on our own and be okay even after they're gone.  At least that's the goal, it can still hurt sometimes.

[xmcll]

1 hour ago, Blue Captain said:

Dear Xmcll,

Maybe you could visit her resting place. If you're not up to going out, you can look at her pictures and reminisce with your family. 

Hope this helps.

With respects,

Blue Captain

 

Hi Blue Captain, 

I would love to visit her resting place but we actually laid her to rest in the Philippines, her home country. She lived half of her life in the United States with us but we always knew she wanted to be buried where she grew up. I think that's also the reason it's been difficult. As much as I'd like to go to her grave and visit her, she's seventeen hours away. Thank you for the suggestion though 🙂 

 

And thanks to everyone else who's responded. It's really comforting to hear from you all ❤️ 

 

 

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, xmcll said:

I think that's also the reason it's been difficult. As much as I'd like to go to her grave and visit her, she's seventeen hours away.

You might consider creating your own quiet space or place that is dedicated to your mother ~ where you can go to think about her, talk to her, and conjure up your fond memories of her. We don't always have to go to a cemetery to "be with" our departed loved ones. We can designate any place that is available to us to be that special place ~ perhaps a memorial garden, a tree or a flowering bush you can plant in your yard ~ even just a shelf in a bookcase with a picture of your mom and a flameless LED candle or votive would do.