Faking it

[Christysue72]

Warm greetings to all. This is my first time on here. It will also be the first time I’ve spoken about my Fathers passing. My Dad passed away 62 days ago. He passed extremely suddenly and was only 69. There was no goodbyes and no warning. He was just gone. I actually spoke to him on the phone just an hour before he passed. I wonder often how that conversation would have gone had I known it would be the last time I would speak to my Dad. I’ve barely cried . I honestly don’t know why. I was very close to my Father and love and miss him immensely. I am the oldest of his four children. I was the only one of his children that spoke at the service. Some of my siblings stated they just couldn’t do it. One says I act like I don’t care. Nothing could be further from the truth. Behind closed doors I struggle to get out of bed. No one has noticed the 17 lbs I’ve lost yet. Although I stay in bed , I don’t sleep. Things just seem extraordinarily hard. I realize we all handle grief in our own way but everyone seems to act like my way is not normal. I tell them normal is just a setting on the dryer but I feel and hear their judgments. I’m not sure at this point if I stay in bed because I don’t want to deal with my grief or because I don’t want to deal with people. Their judgements and ideas about what stage of mourning I should be in . I’m just waiting for it all to get a little better . 

Christine 

[MartyT]

My dear Christine, I'm so sorry to learn of the sudden death of your father. Your story reminds me so much of my own. I was in my first semester of graduate school in New Jersey when I got the call from my sister in Michigan that our father was dead of heart failure at the age of 69. Like you, although I was thunder-struck at the sudden loss of my father whom I dearly loved, and in a state of shock and disbelief, I left school for a long weekend to help my mother and sister pull together a funeral / memorial service in Michigan ~ and was back in school at Rutgers the following Tuesday. Since my program was in Advanced Psychiatric Nursing, my instructors and my classmates were stunned to see me so soon after such a life-shattering event. One even told me later that I seemed more upset when my dog died than I did after my father died! 

Please don't let the observations of others ("one says I act like I don't care") get to you. They are not mind-readers, and they have no business judging how you are "doing" your grief. They have no idea how you're feeling and how you're acting in private moments and behind closed doors. The fact that you've lost so much weight and find yourself avoiding others lest they only add to your pain is concerning to me. "Waiting for it all to get a little better" is not the most effective way to cope with grief. The passage of time does not heal grief. Time is neutral. It's what we do with the time that makes the difference. Coming here is a very important step, because here you are among kindred spirits. Here you don't have to hide what you're really thinking and feeling. We're all mourning the loss of someone dearly loved, and here you don't have to explain or excuse yourself, because even though we're all mourning our own losses in our own unique ways, we're all familiar with grief. If you spend some time reading through some of the threads you'll find in this forum, you'll soon discover that you are not alone. You'll also discover that the more you learn about what is normal in grief, the better prepared you'll be to understand and cope with your own reactions. Take it one step at a time, discover for yourself what this loss means to you, and allow yourself whatever time you need to mourn the loss of your father.

If and when you feel ready to do some reading about grief, take a look at some of the articles listed here: Marty's Articles ~ and see especially Grief: Understanding The Process, including some of the articles listed at the base. ❤️

[Christysue72]

Thank you so much , Marty.  It does really sound like our experience is very similar. I’m in college right now as well. When my father passed I was taking Economics and Psycology . Economics was extremely difficult. I still managed to finish with honor roll. Everyone was stunned. I think this week was the first time I realized my not dealing with it is as equally unhealthy as those falling apart around me. I am a stuffer. I’ve always managed to take the most terrible moments in my life and stuff them away . Of course it manifests itself in unhealthy ways. I will try to read the articles. Thank you ! On an unrelated note I just got off Facebook support. When I logged on earlier there was a friend request from my father. Someone made a fake profile and started friend requesting family. I truly don’t understand what is to gain by doing such a thing. It was however a very odd moment. The feeling is undiscribable . I’m going to drink some wine and try to shake the feeling enough to sleep a bit. Thank u so very much for your response and very good advice. It feels really good that someone understands 

Christine 

[kayc]

I like your "normal is just a setting on the dryer" answer.  I wish they'd never come up with the "stages of grief" because no one fits that description nice and neat like that.  We might go through some of them or several at once or not at all!  People shouldn't be so concerned with how grief displays, we all wear it differently OUR way!

I am so sorry for your loss.  congratulations on your economics, BTW.  It's hard to accomplish something like that while grieving, so I know you worked hard at it.

I'm sorry someone on FB did something so sick.  I hope you reported them.  Just shows there's some sick people out there.

We're here for you, whenever you want a listening ear.  Grievers understand what it's like to miss someone.

[Christysue72]

Thank you so much !  I totally agree with the stages issue. No one in my family is going through this quite the same way. My sister cries all the time. My brother is an alcoholic so he’s been on a bender for two months now basically. My baby sister tried the suicide route so we’ve been dealing with that. Her kids are staying with me right now. I feel so bad for them. I know she’s not in her right mind but it was really unfair to put her kids through this right after their grandpa passed. I don’t feel safe discussing my feelings with family because they are all  so extreme. ( huge Irish family , comes with the territory) 

I did report the scammer on Facebook . They took down the page immediately. They are also turning my Dads Facebook page into a memorial page. It flags Facebook if someone tries to make another one. 

Thank you so much for the response !!

Christine

[kayc]

I'm so glad you have the FB issue handled.  I'm so sorry for all you are going through, but it sounds like you're navigating it as well as you can under the circumstances.  It's just hard at best.  I wish you well with your siblings. 

[pam4him]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can kind of relate as today would have been my dad's 74th birthday.  I've been feeling a little melancholy even though it has been 2.5 yrs since his passing.  What you are feeling and going through IS grief, which sounds to have you going through a bit of depression.  You sound ok to me, just trying to figure out how to adjust to your dad's absence.  I am not a proponent of "time heals all wounds" because it hasn't really worked for me.  I found it's more about moving through grief to the acceptance of what is and adjusting to the change.  Small steps can help you keep moving forward in this transition time.  Try to stay out of bed a little longer each day, look for joy in what's around you, take walks and really notice your surroundings, yoga, meditation, soothing music, etc. I don't mean to sound trite, but we sometimes have to make ourselves do the everyday necessities to help re-adjust to a routine.  62 days is not that long ago, so try not to be too hard on yourself.  

[kayc]

11 hours ago, pam4him said:

I found it's more about moving through grief to the acceptance of what is and adjusting to the change. 

So true.  It's not that we "get over" people we love that have died, but more learning to do our lives in light of the changes it means for us.  It can seem daunting at first, it helped me to stay in "today", taking one day at a time.  I learned to embrace what is and not merely lament what isn't. It's okay to feel your sorrow, but also recognize what good there is.  Sometimes it seems a stretch to find something good especially in the beginning, but it's there, we have to look for it.  You're right two months isn't far into the journey, I think I was still in grief fog, perhaps shock, at that point.  Resilience is key, but if we don't feel resilient, it can be a learned art.  I'm sorry for your loss too.