It's been almost a year and I'm still devastated

[KittyDeBeauvoir]

Hi all,

Sorry to bother. It's been a several months since my last post. 

A fair few different things have happened even since my dad's death.

My relationship with my mother deteriorated (it was never super strong to begin with), and now we are estranged. It occurred simply when I *actually decided* there was no good reason to continue with our toxic relationship. The resultant lack of a mother-daughter relationship has been fine. A relief even. It just sucks that in one year I have lost both parents. It's not like I can talk about it with my dad - and that's the worst part. Please don't assume I am saying the deliberate break-off of my relationship with my mother is the same as losing your mother. It's not...and I completely acknowledge that. Like I said; for the most part, it's a relief.

The other big changes have been that I have since moved across the country. This was due to a contract my partner accepted, and I was excited about living in a new place. Moving; however, is (obviously) about leaving behind your friends, your job, your network, and your family that's still there. My family consists now of my brother and his pregnant fiancée. That's a tricky part - I'm across the country and I haven't been there for most of the pregnancy - and I'll have to arrange time off from my new workplace to visit newborn bub.

It's tricky getting a new job and learning the ropes in a new workplace. I miss my work-friends tremendously. They made going to work a joy; and - again - it's hard working with new people who you haven't connected with (hopefully - yet).

I miss my friends. My friends and their families who came and made sure I was okay after dad died. Even those that didn't immediately know - I just miss them so much.

I'm feeling the anxiety of a new place and job without having that social network has been very difficult. Theoretically, I want to go out and find some new-city friends, but I feel completely uninspired to go out and socialise. I'm finding I'm spending less time in things I used to find enjoyable - even reading. I suspect that has to do with the continued grief as well as anxiety of living in a new place. It's a weird conundrum. 

ANYWAY - after that rant...it comes back to my dad's one-year anniversary is coming soon (25th May) and I don't know what to do. My partner is absolutely wonderful. I am so happy and most comfortable and at ease when I'm with him; however, we are both shift workers...and it's difficult of late to spend as much time together. Furthermore, despite any grief, I don't feel it's up to him to make me 'feel better' in our new city. 

I think I'm just thinking about all this because of Dad. It's not as bad as that first week after (which I suspect is the worst time of life - from my limited experience), but I'm not sure if it's improved much over the subsequent time. 

Thanks for letting me rant

Kitty

[kayc]

Kitty,

We'll never judge you here.  My own mom was difficult to deal with (she's since passed) and I know how complicated the relationship can be.  I have several siblings and we're very supportive of each other, mainly because we're all each other had (mom had a lot of mental issues and dad was alcoholic, they'd essentially estranged us from other family members).  We agreed that however one of us decided we could best handle the mom/child relationship we would all be supportive of that decision, that was very freeing and supportive!  Things actually improved as my mom went further into her dementia, it's like she forgot her imagined ills against us, allowing us the grace to forgive her as she softened due to it.

However you choose to handle your mom has been decided painstakingly and carefully, I do know that.  I commend you for knowing and doing what is best for YOU in this moment.  God bless you, I know it's hard.  You can "rant away" any time here, we're all here for each other!

[MartyT]

4 hours ago, KittyDeBeauvoir said:

it comes back to my dad's one-year anniversary is coming soon (25th May) and I don't know what to do.

You may find these resources useful as you think about how to observe that day, Kitty:

In Grief: Dreading the Anniversary Date of a Loved One’s Death 

Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief

Grief Rituals Can Help on Valentine's Day (or Any Special Day) 

[Clematis]

15 hours ago, KittyDeBeauvoir said:

It just sucks that in one year I have lost both parents. It's not like I can talk about it with my dad - and that's the worst part.

I know what you mean. Everything changes. My mother died in 2005 and I was afraid my dad would follow her. I coaxed him out west and we had ten good years together before he died in 2016. My beloved aunt died two months after my dad. I thought my mother's death would straighten out the twisted nature of the family dynamics and was kind of relieved, even though I loved her and missed her. Things seemed ok with my sisters while my dad was alive, but after his death I realized that my mother's narcissism had been passed onto my sisters and they had been making nice with me so that I would persuade my dad to send them money. Once he was gone they didn't seem to have much use for me. Suddenly it was like my entire family was gone once my dad died. Losing him was devastating enough but being all alone was too much. Things have improved a little, and the sister I was never close to before is making some efforts to be civil and maybe even a little friendly. They were both really angry with me after Daddy died, mostly about things that had nothing to do with me as well as that they thought they should have gotten more money. It was all really terrible.

There are so many stories here and everywhere about families falling apart after a death, people doing crazy things to each other over money after someone dies, and so on. While I was handling my dad's affairs after he died I would tell people about the icky and awful things my sisters did and said to me, and over and over people would say, "oh, you're the executor, huh?" One sister in particular went particularly crazy over the money. Naturally she was the only one of the three of us that had ever been comfortable; she married two men with money and during the years in between when she had to work she managed to loosen over $100K from my dad by lying to him. She ended up getting about that much less in the end and assumed that was my doing.

I have also found that I don't really enjoy the things I used to as much as when my dad was alive. Things seem flat somehow. It's been two years and I miss him every day. He was my best friend and always had my back. He was always on my side no matter what, and was always interested in what I had to say. I remember him telling me when I was in high school, "No one will ever love you as much as your parents..." but I realized eventually that he was really talking about himself. I miss so many things about him. I miss him every day. It's hard to believe that all of those memories are all there will ever be...I know what you mean. For me it's been over two years and I'm still devastated...It's not as bad as the first year. Things do change. Hang in there!

[SummerW]

Kitty, I'm so sorry. You've been through so much in such a short time. It's going to affect you for sure. I'd like to share with you what I do because I think it may help. Several years ago, I began writing in a journal...just a cheap notebook really. I usually write in it at night, but when I've gone through some really tough times, I've also had a small one that I keep in my purse so that I could write in it during my lunch break. I hold nothing back. I just write it all down. It gets it out of my head and honestly feels like I am laying it down. As I do that, I get better perspective and start working through things. If I've ever written anything that I would hate for someone to see, I just tear out that page and shred it. It really helps me and I hope it will help you. It's also important that you make some connections...neighborhood, church, volunteer group. Maybe set a goal for yourself like I'm going to go to one class or church service or organization for one hour this week. Then make yourself go, just for an hour. You might be surprised. I hope things start getting better for you soon. 

[KittyDeBeauvoir]

On ‎5‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 1:35 AM, SummerW said:

Kitty, I'm so sorry. You've been through so much in such a short time. It's going to affect you for sure. I'd like to share with you what I do because I think it may help. Several years ago, I began writing in a journal...just a cheap notebook really. I usually write in it at night, but when I've gone through some really tough times, I've also had a small one that I keep in my purse so that I could write in it during my lunch break. I hold nothing back. I just write it all down. It gets it out of my head and honestly feels like I am laying it down. As I do that, I get better perspective and start working through things. If I've ever written anything that I would hate for someone to see, I just tear out that page and shred it. It really helps me and I hope it will help you. It's also important that you make some connections...neighborhood, church, volunteer group. Maybe set a goal for yourself like I'm going to go to one class or church service or organization for one hour this week. Then make yourself go, just for an hour. You might be surprised. I hope things start getting better for you soon. 

Hi SummerW,

Thank you for your kind words. I really, really appreciate it!

I think rather than feel I have been through a little bit this year. I suspect that I am putting a "stopper" on feeling the full extent of it as a kind of survival mechanism. That sounds dramatic - I think what I mean is that if I think and process it all as one thing at once, I'll crumble and backtrack (i.e. leave this new life because it's all too much and just go back home). While home is definitely where the heart is, I want to be with my partner and have this new life experience . I don't want to just stop.

I have started going to yoga which takes an hour in the hopes that it will be a stabilising force...and I think it has, to some degree. It's guided, and challenging, and relaxing, and there's no pressure. Please note I've never done yoga before this, so I'm no pro! 

I've also changed workplaces as I discovered the workplace I was in was a very poor fit. I've only started at a new place this week, and I am already more happy and much less stressed. 

I have made some connections - linked into some meet-up groups and book clubs that I hope to act upon soon, but haven't as yet. Part of that has been work-stress related (hopefully will resolve now that I am happier in new workplace), and due to post-grad work (in my last fortnight this semester); so, again, hopefully that will help make me feel more sociable soon.

Baby steps.  

Thank you.

[kayc]

Good for you!  It sounds like you're taking positive healthy steps and that's good!