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Lothar

Fell in love with a girl, her dad is dying, she pushed me away

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Thank you all in advance for your support. I'm not an english native speaker, so please forgive me for my poor writing skills.

THE STORY
Met a girl on a dating app and we became friends. We lived in different cities and we just maintained a good friendship for almost 2 years. We went together through good and bad times, even without knowing each other in person. I know, it's strange but that's how it went.

Finally we met one time for a lunch, when she happened to be in my town for work. It was a really good time.
Then we meet two weeks later, she stayed by my house and we slept together, talk and felt a deep connection with each other.
It was amazing, I just fell head over heels for her. 
I wasn't really interested in her before meeting her in person. Then... well, it just hit me like a train.
I crushed on her for good.

THE PROBLEM

Two days later, her dad was hospitalized. Pancreas cancer, liver metastasis. Months if not weeks to live.
She told me everything thats was going on, that she won't have the time and the will to give me attentions and that i could move on if i wanted. She was honest from the beginning.

I did my best to be there for her, message her daily (since we were long distance) and try to support her by staying at her side during this difficult time.
Things went fairly good for a few weeks, then she started to grow distant and to treat me just as an ordinary friend. Which i was comfortable with but also felt like a rejection.
Well, things went worse and worse from that point on. Maybe i was not so comfortable and i struggled all i could to not pressure her, thinking of the terrible situation she was into, but it was like i had to strangle my newborn feelings with my own hands.

I offered many times to go to her city to be beside her, she refused because her weekends were with family of course. She warned me about what was going on, and she didn't want to make me waste my time. I just said i would be there for her, and that was my choice.
Unfortunately, every time i asked to visit her she got more and more upset. I don't know what i was thinking, maybe the circumstances and my infatuation for her played a role in this huge screw up.
Anyway, i told myself it could be no harm: i just wanted to show her that i was willing to stay strong during her hard times and that i was willing not to withdraw from her.

I proposed i could go there during week, because my schedule wasn't too busy at work atm. I asked this several times because i wanted her to feel i was truly there for her, distance or not, and thought that people in this kind of terrible situations sometimes don't have the energy left to ask for help or think straight. Also, i missed her very much.
Well, i was wrong big time.
What i saw as a reiterated sweet offer, she saw as reiterated unbearable pressure.
She snapped badly, told me she couldn't plan anything at the moment and that i had to realize her father was dying.
I apologized, told her that maybe i did a mistake but that was because i greatly cared for her and wanted to prove that i would be by her side even in difficult times.

She went no contact for 4 days.

THE FINAL BLOW
During this frame of time, I sent her goodmornings and goodnights, talking lightly because i thought she would open to me whenever she was ready, knowing i was there for her.


Wrong again. She snapped again.
 "YOU NEVER ACTUALLY ASKED HOW I'M DOING. YOU ONLY TALKED ABOUT YOURSELF.", she texted me.

I said that she was really upset with me the other day and this was my way, clumsy all you want, to show care and that i was there for her to talk if she needed because she was important to me.

I called her, apologized for my mistakes, told her i did really care and that my intentions were good and sincere.

She said i could repeat this all i want but this won't make up for my errors; she reviewed all my mistakes fo the last 2 months one by one (one time i got jealous that she went on dinner with a male friend... my fault, she was not my gf, but anyway i didn't make a big deal of it, i just said that i was jealous with a smile, more like a game between lovers), speaking with great anger towards me.
Finally she told me not to contact her, because things were not working between us.
She said that if she wants she will be contacting me.
As of today, it has been 5 days of no contact, but the damage is already done.

THE UGLY TRUTH

I know, i totally screwed up and i don't even know where to start to blame myself.
I should have listened to her.

I guess i was too eager to be in a relationship with her, i don't know really. Maybe the infatuation clouded my thinking process.
I just feel numb because i truly saw something in her, and i put everything i had with pure heart on the table, willing to stay by her side in her darkest time.
And maybe that's the real problem.
She wasn't in the mindframe for a boyfriend: she needed a friend. And I did all the worst things possible on this planet when she was just asking for a friend.
And i was a selfish idiot.


I'm really really sorry for her and her family, and i wish i could do more. I think of her constantly and pray for her and her family everyday. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through and i blame myself for my inability to be the man i wish i was in her time of need. If i had a time machine i would use it and give her the support she deserved.

Would appreciate any advice, and sorry for the long post.
I've been a lurker in here for quite sometimes and, since i've found this to be a great place full of awesome people, i just thought this was my time to ask for help.

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Oh my dear friend, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation!  My heart bled for you as I read your story because I know it so well.  I've been there.

I want you to understand that it's her, and not you.  And not even her, but the circumstances.  Under different circumstances you might well have had different results.  It's nothing you can control or change, it is what it is, but console yourself that you really did nothing wrong.  Another person might have responded very differently to your attempts to be there for her.  This is not how all people who are grieving respond, but a certain number of them do for sure, as you can tell if you read through the threads in this section.  My fiance of a year broke up with me when his mom was dying...by Fed Ex, no less!  I didn't even get the benefit of a last conversation or discussion about it.  I received a Fed Ex package at work, 9:30 a.m., so I couldn't even cry in the privacy of my own home.  I was asked to leave the office.

Somehow we get through this, many tears shed.  The hardest part for me was not even knowing how he was doing and not being able to be there for him.  Fast forward a few months, his mom passed away and I made him a card and mailed it to him, the next day he called and talked to me for 3 1/2 hours, as if trying to catch me up on everything I missed, or trying to work through this time himself.  He'd call every day or not at all for a couple of weeks.  He'd say "I love you" or become distant...it was confusing to me, like yanking me around emotionally.  I finally realized he did not know what he wanted, he did not know his own mind, he was going through a lot and needed to work through it himself.  I was there for him as a friend but protected my heart from this emotional yo-yoing.  Seven and a half years later we are very good friends, we are long distance also so don't see each other often, talk a couple times a week on the phone, but that is pretty much it.  We can tell each other anything, I love his sense of humor, but we are not a couple, nor will be.  And I'm not only okay with that, but can't help but feel things worked out as well as possible for us.  He still has issues to work out of his own.  

No matter what you would have said or done, it would not have changed the outcome.  You did your best to be there for her, and the truth is we can't always read someone's mind, what they want, what they don't want, or the fact that they might be changeable in what they want or don't want.

Try not to put any heed on trying for some certain outcome, like I said, we can't control what happens in this situation.  And if you read each and every one of the threads in Loss of Love section, you'll see a pattern, there's only been one couple that have made it through intact, another maybe waits to be seen.  That's out of over a hundred. 

Spend your time focusing on YOU, spend time with your family, friends, work, hobbies, maybe a class or the gym.  I remember when I went through it having all this energy I needed to focus and I ended up with the cleanest house!  It's a hard time but you will get through it.  Just don't feel you did something wrong to cause this.

Hang in there, it will get better for you, I can't say when, we all cope different, but I think for me the first few months were the hardest.

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Dear Kay, thank you very much for your heartwarming and wise words.
Yes, i'm reading all the threads in this section and, as you said, the pattern it's definitely there. Sadly. I'm learning a lot from this place.

I knew about your story, and reading what you went through made me really sad, but also built a lot of respect for how you stayed strong in such a terrible situation.
I couldn't image the pain and the suffering you endured at that time, and even if it did turn you into the wise and strong person you are now i just wish things went differently, because you sound like the woman we all should have by our side when life gets rough.
I hope that God would take all the tears you shed during those dark times, and craft a beautiful gift for the golden-hearted lady you see in the mirror every morning.

As for me, i'm trying to start healing, given we didn't have any past together to forget, but i still blame myself for my actions.
Maybe i acted clingy or needy or selfish, maybe if i had listened to her things would went differently. I don't really know.
Could be that i'm the "Prince Charming" type of a guy. You know? The one with the white horse, the sword and the shield, always ready to fight till the end, whatever the costs, for love and justice.
She just needed a friend. Silly me for not understanding that simple fact.
Pressured her without even knowing what i was doing. Lost her. Well done Lothar, clap to yourself in the mirror.

As for now i'm at a loss about what to do. Well, i know i just have to focus on myself and my healing process, and must resist the urge to contact her and ask how she is doing.
But i don't think i'm ready to give up hope yet. It has been 6 days of no contact by now. And i'm stuck at the dreaded crossroads: should i leave or hang in there?
I know i cannot text her, not even to ask about how she is doing.
Should i wait like a month and then text her?
Should i just surrender and move?
Both options are terrifying to me. I could hang in there for nothing. But if i don't and there is something left for us, i will know that i gave up on that after only 6 days.
It's the "possibility of us" that is tearing me apart and making this choice impossible.
We didn't have an actually story, i know. I just foresaw something in her i wish i could discover, and see if there could be a future for us.

Sorry for bothering you and all the other members, please be patient with me.
I'm well in my 30s, but i just fell for her like a was a teenager. Don't even know where my head was or is at the moment.

 

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23 hours ago, Lothar said:

THE UGLY TRUTH
I know, i totally screwed up and i don't even know where to start to blame myself.
I should have listened to her.

I guess i was too eager to be in a relationship with her, i don't know really. Maybe the infatuation clouded my thinking process.
I just feel numb because i truly saw something in her, and i put everything i had with pure heart on the table, willing to stay by her side in her darkest time.
And maybe that's the real problem.
She wasn't in the mindframe for a boyfriend: she needed a friend. And I did all the worst things possible on this planet when she was just asking for a friend.
And i was a selfish idiot.


I'm really really sorry for her and her family, and i wish i could do more. I think of her constantly and pray for her and her family everyday. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through and i blame myself for my inability to be the man i wish i was in her time of need. If i had a time machine i would use it and give her the support she deserved.

Would appreciate any advice, and sorry for the long post.
I've been a lurker in here for quite sometimes and, since i've found this to be a great place full of awesome people, i just thought this was my time to ask for help.

Hi Lothar,

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation as well. Please do not be sorry for expressing yourself here, that is what the forum is for. We've all been in or are in a similar situation and came here for support too, we all need it sometimes, especially a neutral perspective from someone who understands our pain. As KayC said, understand it is not you, its her. While it may feel like you've done something wrong to make her act as she has, you have not. You only had loving and genuine intentions in your contact and pursuit of her, and she confused that as pressure and lashed out at you.

It happened to me too and I felt the exact same way as you. Like I had pushed him away by trying to be there for him, even though I was only trying to be a supportive girlfriend. We were together for 14 months before his father died, he went silent on me for a week after without notice and then said he didn't want to break up, and then went no contact for 3 months. When he attempted to resume our relationship he was still deeply confused, unavailable and emotionally unfit to be in a relationship. Even though he said otherwise and tried to act as though things were normal, I had to constantly "walk on eggshells" and be careful in my words as he was easily angered and irritable. He swore it was just a phase, but it was not. This went on for three more months after he resumed contact. He told me he loved me the day he stopped talking to me and then without warning, reason, or explanation of why stopped returning my calls/texts, this was 2.5 years ago and I haven't spoken to him since. I had to walk away, he left me with no choice after that because it became clear to me that HE was confused and HE didn't know what he wanted, he just didn't want to be alone and was stringing me along. It was a game I was never going to win, even though I, like you, desperately hoped for a different outcome.

I did nothing wrong, and neither have you. These are situations we can't control and nothing we could do/say would change the outcome of them. It is a harsh truth to accept, but that's just the way things are. The first few months are the hardest, but again, do as KayC suggested and focus on yourself, pick up new hobbies and focus on your future. Do not wait around for her to come back to you, because the truth is, she may not. Try not to focus on the "what ifs," I did that and it kept me holding onto him in a state of confusion, false hopes of a future that was never going to come, and a relationship that was past the point of being fixed. It is really hard, and this is an experience that you will remember, but that you will also learn from. I had to face some harsh truths after this breakup, but looking back it's all a lesson now.

This could also be a glimpse into how she deals with problems had you been in a relationship with her. Remember that this is her true colors showing. If how she deals with issues is silence, lashing out and misplaced anger, it is a glaring red flag and a character flaw that has nothing to do with you. Even though you acted just as a supportive friend (as you and I both did in our situations), she still tried to misplace her emotional burdens unto you, and try to make you feel in some way responsible for her feelings simply because she knew you cared for her. And that is not fair to you.

Please don't hesitate to share your feelings here, you are not bothering or burdening anyone by expressing them.

--Rae 

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If I were to have someone, I would want them to be the type of person that does not cast me aside when hard things come into their life.  I would want to weather them together, through thick and thin...that is how my relationship with my late husband was.  That is the kind of relationship I would hope you would hold out for...not someone who cares so little for you.  Not someone looking for things to find fault with you for.  You have not failed, instead things have become clearer to you through a very hard place.  I am sorry it is so painful.  I don't know why life has to be so painful.  Hold out for the right one.  You thought it was her but this is making things plain to you.  It's not your choice, it was hers.  You did not give up, she did that for you.

Rae, I remember your journey all too well.  We had a lot in common in what we went through.  Seems we all do. 

But, I want to point out, not everyone in life responds like this, we're reading stories about the ones who did, but there are many more out there that do not discard their best friend, the one they love, when they lose a parent or go through other hard places.  I am not one who would do that to someone, neither are you..give yourself time for healing and introspection, but please don't beat up on yourself.  Sometimes we need our partner to communicate plainly what they need and want and in absence of that, we can't be expected to always know how to proceed, nor should we feel we've done everything wrong.

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

I want to point out, not everyone in life responds like this, we're reading stories about the ones who did, but there are many more out there that do not discard their best friend, the one they love, when they lose a parent or go through other hard places. 

SO important to remember, Kay. Blessings to you, and thank you for saying this ❤️

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Thank you Rae for your words, guess you are definitely right.
I'm really sad to read about your story, I know the feeling on "walking on egg-shells" and it sure is a couple destroyer as far as i'm concerned.
I can see that he was really confused, and although his pain must have been unbearable i think that people should recognize when their special ones are giving all their best for the sake of love and compassion. Unfortunately, this almost never happens in these kind of situations.
As we all know even too well.

Things were probably out of my control from the beginning, there is no point into blaming myself to death since i couldn't possibly change the outcome without going back being a simple friend, which i didn't want to do.
As you said, it is futile to focus and "what ifs", given life does goes on and if you dwell in the past you will not be happy in the future.
This helped me a lot, and I thank you for your point of view.
You are also right on facing inner issues during the stages of a break-up. I will try to grow from this as much as i can and be a better person for the girl who will come.
And also yes, this can be her way to deal with big problems in life, and it is a scary red flag now that you make me think about it.


Then, I have an update.
I discovere via online obituary that her father passed out last sunday, 13th of may.
I don't know what to do now.

Shall i call her for give my condolences?
I think she may view this as an intrusive behaviour.
Shall i just text her? I do not like this either.

I don't even know if i have to do such a thing, cannot see any positive outcome from this except bothering her.

I thank you all for your support. Really I could have not find a better and safer place to share my feelings and fears.

 

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"Thank you Rae for your words, guess you are definitely right.
I'm really sad to read about your story, I know the feeling on "walking on egg-shells" and it sure is a couple destroyer as far as i'm concerned.
I can see that he was really confused, and although his pain must have been unbearable i think that people should recognize when their special ones are giving all their best for the sake of love and compassion. Unfortunately, this almost never happens in these kind of situations.
As we all know even too well."

Hi Lothar,

You are correct in that people should be able to recognize when others are trying to give their best and be a supportive partner, but unfortunately, many people in this situation abandon all reason in favor of emotional responses and selfishness because they cannot think straight and don't know what to do. It is an unfortunate circumstance to be in, but as I said before, it is a character flaw in my eyes if a person cannot treat people with common decency and respect, even when they are hurting.

 I would say if you feel it is right, to simply send a card expressing your condolences or even just a text message. If she doesn't reply, that's okay. Don't speak of your feelings, friendship or relationship with her. Just send her a simple, straight-forward text or card saying "Sorry for you loss, please accept my condolences, I hope you are well." Or something like that and move on. Even if she does respond to your text/card, don't confuse it as an invitation to resume your friendship and continue contacting her. She made her decision to cut you out of her life, but that doesn't mean your feelings are invalid.

When I found out my exes father passed (he didn't tell me, his brother did), I wrote a letter and left a box of his favorite cookies on his doorstep. He thanked for them, told me he loved me and then disappeared and I took it quite personally because I felt like he rejected me and was angry with me for no reason. Don't let her make you feel that way, even if she does respond to you.

Simply say your condolences and accept that she made her decision, but its okay for you to express your condolences and then move forward with your life and leave her in the past, I don't see why there is any harm in that. If that is what you need to gain closure and peace for yourself so you can move forward, do it. Give yourself the closure that she refuses to. Also, don't let this experience make you bitter, cynical or feel like you weren't/aren't good enough or deserving of love, because you are.

Side note: You write and understand English very well. :)

--Rae

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I would send a sympathy card and just let her know you are there if she ever wants to talk.  I would keep it very short and simple, no relationship talk.  

As Rae said, no matter what she says, realize she is confused and all sorts of mixed feelings may arise in her, recognize that she may or may not be prepared to mean any of them in a lasting way, so guard your heart so you don't get dragged into her confusion.  She could be all over the place and back and forth.  Don't let it get to you in a hurting way.

You are worthy of someone who will love you for life, be there through thick and thin so try not to let this hurt your self esteem.  

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Hi Lothar, 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's difficult. I wanted to give my own perspective as someone who lost a parent. 

In the first few days, weeks, and months after the loss it is extremely difficult. Losing my mother was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I lost her suddenly, but I can't even imagine how difficult it is for those who must deal with their parents being terminally ill. From my experience, it was hard to work through my own emotions after my mother's death. Half the time I didn't want to feel anything. The other half, I didn't know how to express how sad or angry or numb I was to anyone. I withdrew into my own world because it was too emotionally exhausting to have to deal with anything / anyone else other than my own grief. I hope you do understand that grief is a heavy, heavy beast and everyone processes differently. 

I am sorry she pulled away from you when you wanted to support her the most. I know it's difficult to deal with someone cutting contact with you. After my mom died and I moved on from the shock, I reached out for support and starting dating a new guy. I was the opposite of what a lot of other posters deal with on this forum. I didn't push anyone out. I sought to find love and acceptance and support, like that I had with my mother. Unfortunately, he ended up leaving me with barely a word as well. I was left with the grief of my mother's death and the grief of my boyfriend leaving me too. 

It was hard to deal with. I relate to how much you're struggling. The first few weeks are the worst. You think about them constantly and you convince yourself that if you just reach out, if you had just done this or that differently in the past -- they would still be in your life. It takes time to work through these emotions. But the sad truth of it is: if this person wanted to be in your life, they would be there. 

It will take time to process your own grief, for the relationship that could have been. It takes time to heal from a broken heart. Please take time to focus on yourself. Reach out to friends, focus on a pasttime you love, discover new music, write in a journal to release all your feelings. Anything that keeps you going. Sometimes that means just letting yourself be extremely sad. It's healthy to feel all these devastating emotions so you can work through them and let them go. 

Her father just recently passed so she is in intense grief at the moment. I would send her a short text like, "I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you're doing okay." and leave it at that. If she wants to reconnect, she will when she is ready. She needs time to work through her grief on her own. 

When I was going through the grief of losing my mom then dealing with my break up a few months afterward, a friend told me "In times like this, it isn't that people change. They just unfold and show you who they truly are." She is reacting and processing her grief in the only ways she is able to at the moment. Unfortunately, that means withdrawing from close friendships/relationships. If she asks for space, that's what she needs. Maybe in time after she has started to heal you will reconnect. But I would not focus all your hope on that possibility. I would send her well wishes during a very difficult time and focus on your own journey.

It will be difficult. But you will get through it. Good luck. There's a lot of people here cheering you on. 

 

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