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Caregiver Guilt and Grief, what now...


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I was the caregiver for my mother for the past 9yrs, she suffered from multiple chronic illnesses, in household.  I did not know what caregiver burnout was until I started having continuous anxiety issues and panic attacks, insomnia, etc.  As an only child I was responsible for it all.  I made the decision for my health and the sake of my child that I need to explore other options.  I decided I had no other choice than SNF.  After starting the process over 6 months ago.  We finally received word of an opening at a facility close to home.  Great reviews both on line and from close friends. My mother was entered the SNF on 4/23.  She passed away on 5/9 due to kidney failure.  I am completely crushed.  I feel empty inside.  I am flooded with what if's.  I feel like i betrayed her.  Though I sat by her side to the end. I was just so hopeful that she would thrive at the facility.  I looked forward to going there sitting w/ her in the courtyard.  Taking my child for visits.  I was so hopeful.  I feel like she gave up because she felt that we did not need her anymore.  That was not the case.  I just needed a break because I felt like I was breaking, caring for her and working full time.   I am completely lost for words.  I was having trouble adjusting to her being in the SNF by anxiety simply escalated. Now having to deal with the fact that she is not at the Nursing Home...I can is unbearable.  Everyone keeps saying your so strong. I don't feel strong, I just  feel void of all emotion right now. That's the only reason I'm not crying continuously.  I simply don't have the words or emotions to express everything going on inside of me. '

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I'm so sorry for your loss, my dear, and for the pain you're feeling now, in the wake of your mother's death. You sound like a loving and responsible daughter, who gave everything you could to care for your mother. And now it feels as if it was not enough. I've gathered a number of resources that you may find helpful as you come to terms with this, and I hope you'll look into some of them: In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I? ❤️

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Nine years is a long time to be a caregiver, I did it for three years when my MIL was bedridden with cancer...at the same time my children were age 1-3 and 2-5.  It's hard on us but we do what we feel we need to do at the time.    But I remember after she passed not knowing what my purpose was, it felt like a huge void.  And I missed her, I didn't see how I could live without her.

I am sorry for your loss.  You'll find your way, it may take some time, but you'll get there.

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Thank you, for the encouraging words.  I'm trying to be patient with myself and allow my self to just grieve.  As the calls and concern of my friends and distant family are seeming to slow down, I feel that I'm turning inward, to a place of loneliness.  I'm trying to keep a strong face for my husband and child, but I don't feel like being strong right now.

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I am so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away 5 years ago and I miss her!! My mom had a massive stroke and was completely paralyzed on her right side. My sisters and I took care of her for 8 years and, even with their help, it was so hard!! I had two small boys and I felt like I was missing out on things with them and at the same time trying to honor my mother. I had a lot of anxiety and there were times when there didn’t seem to be enough of me to go around. It was exhausting!! Near the end of my mom’s life we placed her in Hospice. That was a very hard decision to make. She wanted to be home but we knew she needed 24 hour care that we could no longer provide. :’( It’s not your fault!! You sound like a wonderful daughter and I can tell from your post just how much you loved your mom. :) The Bible says there is a time to be born and a time to die. You took the very best care of your mom you could for as long as you could and you made the best decision you could at the time for your mom and your family, looking forward to the times you could enjoy visiting with your mom on the patio. <3 My heart goes out to you and I will be praying that in time good memories and the love you and your mom had for each other will flood your mind. I also want to encourage you to look into GriefShare. It’s a wonderful program and it’s offered nationwide. It put me in touch with other women who were going through the same emotions I was so I didn’t feel so alone and it gave me the tools I needed to start the healing process. Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who understands. Please keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. I’m glad you reached out! 

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It's okay to just tell them you don't feel very strong right now and that you're grieving.  It's okay for them to know this, grief is a normal part of life, we grieve some time or another.  Eventually the pain diminishes and the good memories sustain you.  

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