My heart still aches

[DarrelW]

.

[Margm]

I think we miss anyone when they leave, for whatever reason.  I "met" Brad when I first got on the forum.  I think Bill joined much later.  George is one of the constants that makes the forum a better place, as do all of you.  We actually do not "know" anyone on here except some of us keep in touch by email, some have phone numbers, but no  matter what, we usually are faceless people that suffer, maybe not all the same, but we all suffer.  We do the best we can, all of us.  Sometimes we kick our own-selves and that has not helped me at all and I doubt it helps any one of us.  We really cannot believe anyone would come on here except to help.  That is what we expect, that is what we do.  You have never left Darrel.  And we have not either.

[kayc]

Well it's funny but just yesterday I was wondering again what happened to you, and yes I noticed that you disappeared, went through this once with Brad too. Still think of you as OleMisfit  (not sure of spelling) One foot in front of the other.

I've long ago come to terms with being alone the rest of my life...as they're talking about in the other thread right now, I know we can never say never but neither do I look for or hope for something different than what is, I know I'll be with my George again, all in due time.  I guess I can say I've learned the art of being in the moment and embracing what is rather than merely lamenting what isn't.  This isn't how I planned my life, that's for sure, it wasn't my druthers, but it is what it is.

[ElizabethMC]

Most days I'm OK....

Some days are profoundly sad.

I cleared out Iver's bedroom drawers but I can't put anything in them.

Sometimes when I think too much about it, I can't believe he's really gone forever.

There's no one for me for the rest of my life.

Being around other men makes me feel sad because they don't hold a candle to my Iver.

I wish I had some answers.

I think about the people on this board all the time. I am always praying for you.

 

 

[Margm]

Elizabeth, we all could use those prayers whether we think we want them or not.  I have an appointment with a counselor on Tuesday.  Some things that are happening in my family I have no control over and honestly, God is tired of me trying to take his job away from him.  Cape Cod Elizabeth.  Honeychile, this old southern gal wishes she was there right now.  Just got back from grocery store and got rid of all the sweaty undergarments and feel some better but I put that AC on the lowest I have ever had it.  I know Marty, we don't sweat, we glow, but honestly my glowing was about to drown me.  Keep cool my friends.  

[ElizabethMC]

"Glowing" is my arch enemy... 

The Cape is glorious this time of year...not to rub it in...but we can get very humid weather here throughout the summer.

I hope things work out for you with this family matter.  Life is hard enough as it is.

 

 

[TomPB]

12 hours ago, ElizabethMC said:

"Glowing" is my arch enemy... 

The Cape is glorious this time of year...not to rub it in...but we can get very humid weather here throughout the summer.

I hope things work out for you with this family matter.  Life is hard enough as it is.

 

 

Our favorite summer routine was sailing to Ptown, getting a mooring at the Marina, and living on the boat for a week or so. We made that trip in conditions going from so calm that we motored all the way, to exhilarating,  to dangerous. With my perfect sailing partner we were perfectly relaxed no matter what. We loved the beaches. Best was taking the dingy from our mooring to Long Point. And then just waking up in the harbor, having dinner on the boat watching the sunset over Ptown, the restaurants, coffee shops, are, flowers... 

Now I have no one to stay on a boat with me and the memories are very painful but I'm not abandoning Ptown. 

Last trip to Long Point, 8/16 🐼😢

[Margm]

Good for you Tom.  We planned many years to take the RV and go east but every time we got in the truck we knew we were pulling across Texas.  We went as many different ways as we could, but Texas was still Texas.  And, I do  have to say it has to be one of the best states in the USA to see every kind of scenes you could only imagine, desert, piney woods, mountains, rivers, beaches, The Gulf, anything and anywhere you would want to go, but we were heading to Arizona and New Mexico and we just could not stop doing that.  No other place appealed to us.  So, I admire your persistence in keeping up with this, even though it hurts.  I won't cross the Texas state line ever again.  We do what we have to do,. 

[ElizabethMC]

 

Tom .....That sounds like heaven on earth.  I'm sorry it's so painful to do things now that used to be so magical.

[TomPB]

Last year I took the Long Point shuttle. Everyone else getting on was in couples. The mate asked me "Just you?" and I had to answer, Yes, just me.

[Janka]

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

Last year I took the Long Point shuttle. Everyone else getting on was in couples. The mate asked me "Just you?" and I had to answer, Yes, just me.

Dear Tom,

me and my beloved Jan had used to travel every year,many times throughout each of one...You saw some of my pics posted on here before...It took me long 4 years to get up and leave for the places that me and him had used to be visiting together...I asked my friends many times for taking me with them,but you know it...They had their partners or relatives to go with,or they had no time,or they missed some money,so always something...That´s what you get when your most beloved one die and there´s no one to share such things anymore...One day one of my best friends made up her mind to travel by plane into Greece.She travelled for the 1st time alone and she told me to do it too,because she knew how much I long for travelling to those places where I had been going at with my beloved Jan,and though we´ll be there alone,we stay in contact by the phone each day.So I chose what I was dreaming of and travelled by bus into Croatia to see all of those places where me and my beloved Jan had been going at together...It was funny,because me and my best friend spent our vacation in the same time of September,so we called to each other every day from Croatia to Greece and back again...It was the 1st time that I travelled alone,after those long 4 years of loneliness,but I made my dream come true and met a woman there who became my friend,so I could meet her on the beach,talked to her about my beloved Jan,went outside with her and met some new friends as well,my old friends including,because the place had become my home long ago and there also lives a great old lady that means to me as my own granny by now...I´ll never regret that I went alone...I knew the places,spoke in their language as I speak 5 languages,so I had no problem to meet some new people to talk with on there...It was the greatest time and my beloved Jan was watching me from above,being with me there,so I made my most beautiful dream come true...I was travelling all around,spent some time on a seagoing ship as well and went for every place that me and my most beloved Jan used to be in together...It was the most precious time for me...It´s been 3 years since then and I do the best I can to travel again...

Memories are the tyrants when we stay alone,but we must do our best to do it in loving memory of the most beloved one who means the whole world to us forever...

One of my favourite songs for you...

Gibonni-Lipa moja www.big.az.mp3

Me and a Czech friend that I met in Croatia 3 years ago...

Hugs from Janka

[TomPB]

Thanks Janka. Very nice. Music has become a big part of my attempt to live. For a long time I was not going to classical concerts but now am going to a lot with my grieving swimmer friend. I try to lose myself in the music and lose the grief for a little while. I didn't even realize how much activity there is in Boston. New England Conservatory has many free concerts. My friend's son plays cello in their youth orchestra.

I know everyone is different about going to old favorite places. Thanks for sharing your progression. I'm the opposite bookend from Marg, maybe simply because I'm such a "creature of habit". I go and cry, but I go. I went by myself to a new place in Feb, Puerto Rico, and I could definitely feel the difference of not having memories everywhere. But I will be back in Ptown soon. That was our summer place, and the Virgin Islands, usually sailing but sometines camping, was  our winter place. Once a group of British Virgin Islands (BVI) sailors asked "What's the most romantic place in the BVI" and my answer was "The vee berth". A romantic cruise with someone to share the vee berth with seems very far away now.

Today I cancelled Susan's zipcar, and cried. A few more things like that to do. Don't think it's any easier. Maybe I cried less than when I cancelled her phone, but it's less a part of our life. ❤️🐼

[ElizabethMC]

This morning I bagged all Iver's shoes, except his beautiful high-laced Rockports.

Next to my 6-1/2s,   those shoes look so huge and manly and quintessentially him.

I wanted to talk about how this made me feel but I didn't want to tell my family.  Hearing these things makes them sad.   I figure you guys are already sad.... ( I say with a big heart).

[Margm]

1 hour ago, ElizabethMC said:

except his beautiful high-laced Rockports.

When we first moved to Arkansas, Billy and I went shoe shopping for him.  To him, shoes were shoes, and he had a high arch which would hurt him sometimes.  He found two pair of Rockports and one pair he used for "every day wear" and the second pair he saved for dressy, even though we bought him another pair for dressy.  When he was proud of something, he "saved" it and would not wear it except on special occasions.  

Elizabeth...............I don't know where Billy's shoes are located.  I know they are in one of those huge plastic boxes, but you reminded me of them.

I have managed to have an anger with Billy for the past few weeks.  I feel better with that anger.  Now, I will tell you why and you all can laugh at me.  Dammit, he had three old girlfriends that have since died and I am just positive he does not miss me.  Go ahead and laugh.  It actually has helped some.  

[ElizabethMC]

22 minutes ago, Marg M said:

When we first moved to Arkansas, Billy and I went shoe shopping for him.  To him, shoes were shoes, and he had a high arch which would hurt him sometimes.  He found two pair of Rockports and one pair he used for "every day wear" and the second pair he saved for dressy, even though we bought him another pair for dressy.  When he was proud of something, he "saved" it and would not wear it except on special occasions.  

Elizabeth...............I don't know where Billy's shoes are located.  I know they are in one of those huge plastic boxes, but you reminded me of them.

I have managed to have an anger with Billy for the past few weeks.  I feel better with that anger.  Now, I will tell you why and you all can laugh at me.  Dammit, he had three old girlfriends that have since died and I am just positive he does not miss me.  Go ahead and laugh.  It actually has helped some.  

Well, after 36 years, sometimes I think Iver might be happy to have some 'Elizabeth-free' time...lol ...Whatever makes him happy, I want with all my heart.

[iPraiseHim]

On 6/4/2018 at 5:38 PM, TomPB said:

....Today I cancelled Susan's zipcar, and cried. A few more things like that to do. Don't think it's any easier. Maybe I cried less than when I cancelled her phone, but it's less a part of our life. ❤️🐼

I understand.  After three years, I still have my beloved wife's Netflix Profile. I don't know why I haven't deleted it yet.  She will never watch it again yet it is another piece of her preferences of movies that she will not view again.   I am just now getting the courage to go through her clothes closet.  We all have unique journeys and travel this grief/healing journey in our own time.  Life is an adjustment to the reality of NOW (Today). - SHALOM

[Margm]

I somehow am jealous of them dying before me.  (I know how sick that sounds), but crazy is something I have never denied.  

I will never take his name off our Amazon account.

[ElizabethMC]

3 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I somehow am jealous of them dying before me.  (I know how sick that sounds), but crazy is something I have never denied.  

 

I understand that completely. I feel left behind too.

I do know that I can 'survive' this a thousand times better than my husband could have. So for his sake, it's for the better he went first.

[Margm]

I know Billy would have missed and grieved me, but I picture him in the little RV on one of our many Louisiana and Arkansas lakes.  I think he could have handled it much better.  But his old saying he made up was "I am you and you are me" so, if he was me, then I don't know what he would have been doing.  Maybe he would have gone to stay with his sister below Albuquerque.  They had fixed us up a place to park our RV with dump and utilities.  Myself, I cannot cross the Texas line.

I will have to add an addendum onto that.  He would be helping his granddaughter and kids, of that I am sure.

 

[TomPB]

42 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I somehow am jealous of them dying before me.  (I know how sick that sounds), but crazy is something I have never denied.  

I will never take his name off our Amazon account.

Doesn't sound crazy to me

[Margm]

On 5/30/2018 at 4:25 AM, DarrelW said:

Thank you for allowing me to come back and vent. God bless everyone here.

Darrel, did you ever leave?  We have some people that I have missed and I hope they are safe.  When I first joined there was a woman with her son living in a very volatile city that was being invaded.  Although she was English (I think), her husband (who had just passed away young) had been an engineer from another country (I am going by memory and that is dangerous for me), but her son was a teenager that was certainly at risk in this foreign country.  I think her name was Debbi and I still worry about her.  There were a couple from South Africa and one in particular I really did not understand.  But, we are all from different parts of the country, different cultures and I like to think of myself as a "redneck old southern woman" and the fact that I worked 43 years in the medical profession, it was easy to forget when I left.  My husband and I both worked 80 years as civil servants so we retired comfortably and I had some SS also.  He worked as supervisor of a laboratory and he was a math marvel that helped our granddaughter with her math so much.  I felt so lacking in education that I went to local college to take tests so  I could help home school our granddaughter.  I took their tests to see what I was qualified for and my friend, the test giver told me I did not need any more studying, that I had scored higher than the high school seniors that took the test for college.  I can only believe it was the courses I had to take to keep up on my punctuation and proper language usage for my years of medical transcription.  Thank goodness for that.   But, in my mind I am still that papermill town gal that grew up  across the road from the rodeo arena.  We knew how to sneak in under the fence so it was free.  Actually became hum-drum and not as exciting.  It was more exciting parking the cars in the side (really big acre) of land next to the house for 50 cents a car and in the 1959-1960's that was pretty good money.  I was "raised" on the banks between two "creeks" bayous really, but my language is still (Spranghill).  Syrup is surp.  Leg is laig.  Egg is aig.  Aunt/ant is aiint.   I am country and prefer it that way.  I took a stupid test to see how redneck I was and dammit, they did not consider me redneck.  I don't remember being any more disappointed than  if I had been born in the tribe of Cochise, Geronimo, or Chief Joseph, they would have made me sleep out side the tent with the dogs because none of them would have claimed ownership of a carrot topped, freckle faced girl.  (I now  prefer ginger, sounds more exotic).  

Anyhow Darrel, some come, some go, some are taken in by people you cannot possibly think would go onto a grief forum looking for pen pals.  Although, when I was 14 I had a pen pal from Japan named Kunikasu Hygutchi and this is remembering from age 14 (and I have arithomophobia) so will not figure how long ago that was.  Somehow, talking to my "mountain woman" Kay who is someone I admire and my Seattle and Chicago women who do not know what the "country" is because they live in the city, somehow I love my new friends and honestly understand their grief, their head butting things that are hard to get through.  The thing is, to keep  it simple, mix with all the women and men who share your feelings.  We get off track lots of times.  It would be nice to find someone else that you could share your feelings with, someone you could share your heart with, and maybe one day you will feel ready to do that.  I have examined my feelings, I have examined my friends, and I can be friends with my classmates and people from my past, but at my age could I ever be happy with any of them?  I know I cannot.  But that is just me.  Some people look for different things.  Myself........I have had the best and comparing someone else to him would be so unfair.  It is kind of nice being this old.  I don't have to want it or worry about it.  I think others might find a measure of happiness if two ghosts and two flesh and blood people can all four  live together.  It happens.

[kayc]

I remember her, she was a very special person.  I tried messaging her after she left, never heard from her again.  It was someplace dangerous at the time where a lot of rioting and looting was going on,  debi.williams from Brussels perhaps. debi.williams had a son thinking of going to university, she hasn't been on in a couple of years.

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9367-hello-again-0ops-shes-back/?do=findComment&comment=106084

Marg, maybe it shows how old we are, but I had penpals too growing up, although not from around the world.  They were very special to me, we poured out our hearts and souls.

Elizabeth,

It's been 13 years (in 8 days) for me.  I don't remember what the last account was to go with George's name on it.  His shoes are gone, I don't get phone calls asking him for donations (we used to get one from Native Americans) anymore, it seems the only ones to remember him are me, my family, and a few people still left at church from that time.  But I will never forget him.  I don't have his shoes but I still have his bathrobe hanging up and also his hat on a hook, a few things tucked here and there that show he used to live here.  Some of his handiwork remains, the bathroom floor, the patio railing.  A few years ago I gave our camping trailer to my son, so even that's gone, although I can see it when I go to their home.  He bought an Airstream, which he gutted and wants to redo, so I know our old camper will be gone too one of these years.

It's hard to see these changes, but always he remains in my heart and memory.  I've seen people post they're worried they'll forget their spouse...they needn't worry.  I've never forgotten a thing about George, his voice, how he was, how he smelled, everything about him, it's part of me.

[Margm]

There is a reason that I don't go back and read my posts.  When I write them, I am usually filled with some stupid emotion.  I share anger, fear, love, guilt, and not only does my cup "runneth" over, but so does my feelings that ordinarily I would not share.  But I do anyhow.