I recently lost my Husband, my Love

[AprilHanes]

My beautiful Husband passed away this past May 20th.

He'd been sick and hospitalized for almost 7 months, and had been through hell and back, but we were so sure he'd make it home, but he couldn't fight it anymore. 

I feel so lost and empty. Everything I looked forward to, that we looked forward to is just gone. 

I have experienced grief before after losing family members, but losing my husband, my partner, my Love is the deepest pain I've ever felt.

Half of my heart, my life, my everything that brought happiness and joy to my life like only a soul mate can bring has been ripped away. The pain and despair I feel are like none I've ever felt before. 

My family and friends keep telling me that "I'll be ok" and that things will go back to "normal" over time. How can they say that?! Things will never be the same, ever, ever again, nor will I.

My Heart is broken. I'M broken. Much time may lessen pain to a point but it cannot heal scars from such an utterly devastating loss.

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry to read yet another ripped in two by this.  I’m sorry you had to find your way here but glad you did.  People who have not experienced this will try and fix you, say all the wrong things and often make it worse.  Unless this happens to them, no one understands.  We here do.  This is a trying time for your heart and having to try and fend off others will be hard.  You can write anything here and find it is understood by every member of this family.  Your loss is so raw I hope you use this place to express your feelings as they come up and let others assure you anything you feel is normal.  no, things will never be the same and that is the hardest first step into this.  We call it a new normal.  A life we never imagined.   You are safe here.  Hugs to you, wish they could be real.

[enna]

I am so sorry to hear that your husband passed away after such a long illness.  Of course, you are ‘lost and empty.’

Family and friends mean well when they say that things will go back to ‘normal’ but your normal will never be as it was. And you are right to say that things will never be the same nor will you.

Try to just do what you want to do right now.  You will have many things to tend to and it will take time for you to sort all those things out. You will feel the need to sleep and for many months you will think you are in a fog.  This is to protect you and to keep you from being overwhelmed by all that is going on.

There are many people here who understand the loss of a significant other and it is good to know that others who come here listen with understanding.

[Margm]

I tried writing April.  I hate like the dickens you had to join us and I know people are getting tired of  hearing this, but after all this time of searching for quotes, for books, for feelings, for anything that would help, it is the only thing that helped me.  I have just beat it to smithereens too.  Read "Widows Brain" also.  Honestly, I get so carried away sometimes my posts are word salads instead of simple 2-3 line posts.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  Rose Kennedy.

I figured this woman who lived through the most trying marriage money could buy, losing all her kids and still living till over 100, I figured she understood.

I cannot write more.  I hate that you have had to come to this forum, but I will tell you there is no where else you can go, not to personal therapists, not to group therapy, nothing helps like the people on here who have gone through what you are going through now.

And, I'm trying to keep it short, I already figure they have most of my posts in book form sent to the American Psychiatry Association trying to come out with some new DMS score for my insanity.  (Ha.......they won't find it).

Please just read these people on here, go back to when they first experienced what is happening right now.  Some of us are not doing much better but I will tell you one thing, arithmophobia or not, this is my 3rd spring without Billy.  I did see the fluorescent greens, the tulip trees, the dogwoods, all the color.  It was not as beautiful as when Billy captured them in pictures, but this is the first time I was aware...............of anything.

[iPraiseHim]

5 hours ago, AprilHanes said:

My beautiful Husband passed away this past May 20th.

He'd been sick and hospitalized for almost 7 months, and had been through hell and back, but we were so sure he'd make it home, but he couldn't fight it anymore. 

I feel so lost and empty. Everything I looked forward to, that we looked forward to is just gone. 

I have experienced grief before after losing family members, but losing my husband, my partner, my Love is the deepest pain I've ever felt.

Half of my heart, my life, my everything that brought happiness and joy to my life like only a soul mate can bring has been ripped away. The pain and despair I feel are like none I've ever felt before. 

My family and friends keep telling me that "I'll be ok" and that things will go back to "normal" over time. How can they say that?! Things will never be the same, ever, ever again, nor will I.

My Heart is broken. I'M broken. Much time may lessen pain to a point but it cannot heal scars from such an utterly devastating loss.

 

I understand, we all do here.  Three years ago my beloved wife died suddenly and the words you express mirror my devastating vacuum of loss devoid of my wife.  I had other losses too, my mother, best friend, younger brother.. each one hard to deal with but nothing compares to the overwhelming lost of your beloved mate.  My phrase, "SHOCK and AWE" summed up my indescribable loss.  This place is a safe haven and a nurturing place were the "other side"(survivor) truly understands and cares about what you speak.  Life will never be the same but you will learn in time, how to cope, deal with, and function on this grief journey.  There are plenty of us here to listen, share, and care.  I was were you are now and thankful for the kind souls that have helped me and many others here along our grief/healing journeys.  

Welcome to the group none of us want to belong to, yet we continue for ourselves and to help others to navigate this after world.  We are not "OK" or healed, gotten over it, or moved on.  We are all on the same path.  We simply are learning to move forward one day at a time and hope we can help you on your journey. - Shalom

[Rldownes]

I am sorry you are a part of this group now my heart goes out to you it truly does it is full of caring people I remember when my husband passed away like it was yesterday the day that changed our lives forever, the day we feel our world ended and life as we knew it did end, the feeling of emptiness, loneliness, feeling of not wanting to be a part of this world without them, feeling lost, not wanting to do anything, crying till we think no more tears but more come, feeling overwhelmed all of this is part of our grief journey, we have all gone through and still go through it to some degree, know one can tell you how to grieve or when to get over it because you learn to live with the loss it is,always with you the hope we all have here is to one day find our way in our own time and to find some sense of peace but it is not easy but the people on here will always listen and offer you words of kindness and understanding and you will always have shoulders to cry on try to take it one breath at a time and be gentle on yourself this is not and easy journey you are not alone 

[TomPB]

So sorry April and yes those who have not  lost a soulmate are totally incapable of understanding that this is infinitely different even from grief over other close losses and they will say very wrong things. Please ignore things like timetables to "get over it" etc.  Sharing with others in the same sorry club is what helps me the most. Tom

[kayc]

Oh dear April, I am so sorry.  Your friends and family can't get what they haven't experienced themselves.  This particular type of loss affects every aspect of your life, your love, your best friend, the person you talk everything over with, the person that holds you, he is your family, he is everything.  It is the person that shares in chores and finances, the person we coparent with if we have kids.  The person you spend your holidays and vacations with.  The person you learn and grow with.  No other loss is quite the same.  This is the person in your life day in, day out.  I recently lost my sister and I would never devalue losing a parent or a sibling, they are great losses, they've been there all your life, you know them so well, but losing your partner, well, it's rough particularly because of the type of relationship it was and how hugely it affects you each and every day of your life.

Today is my husband's birthday.  The first thing I did when I woke up was wish him a happy birthday in heaven.  I'm tearing up because it's been 13 year June 19th, Father's Day, 2005.  A long time since I've gotten to celebrate his birthday WITH him.  We used to go camping, I'd make a diabetic cake and take it with us.  Not as good as one with all the sugar and fat, but I didn't want to contribute to the demise of his health so it'd have to do.

You say your husband went through hell and back with his health, I'm so sorry.  We didn't know my husband even had heart trouble until that fateful weekend.  We'd noticed his tiredness, he'd felt a tightness in his chest, pain in his ankle, he'd reported that to his doctor, but there it ended.  Apparently he'd suffered a major heart attack six months before that had left his heart severely damaged.  He'd though it was his diabetes that knocked him out.  No, he'd actually died, totalling his car, and the airbag going off gave a thrust to his chest that restarted his heart, giving him six more months with me.  We didn't learn all this until that fateful weekend.  Still, when he had a heart attack at home on Friday June 17, he thought he'd go to the hospital, they'd take care of him and send him home where he could live out his days with me.  Nope!  That's not what happened.

You and your husband, like us, thought what you went through would result in his making it through and your living out your days together.  You may feel in shock, it hasn't even been a month yet, I know I was in shock for I don't know how long!

I remember feeling anxious, scared, shocked, and did not see how I could do this, how I could possibly live without my soul mate beside me.  Somehow I have, I'm still here.  You will too.  It takes time to make your way through this, just to process his death.  Give yourself the gift of that time, patience, understanding.  You may have noticed something they call "grief fog" (or brain fog) setting in.  It can be hard to focus, hard to process things, we find ourselves forgetting things, it's harder to do our jobs, at least it sure was for me!  It takes much time for that to settle, for clarity to return, it's like our brain has been through trauma.  I asked my boss to check my work, something I've never done in my life, nor had to!  I was lucky to be at a workplace that was so supportive and caring, they were amazing.  Unfortunately, the recession began and the company went down just a few months later.

I wrote this based on my first 12 years of my journey, it's what I've learned, and I hope you will print it out and save it to look over every few months to see what might be applicable or stand out to you, because right now it's probably hard to absorb much and our grief journey evolves so that what we're dealing with changes from time to time, so does what we can handle.

We will be here to walk this journey with you, to listen to you, and respond, if you want us to.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[AprilHanes]

I just want to say thank you so much to everyone. Your words of understanding and reassurance help so much. I'm grateful to have found this safe, comforting place. 

[CairnLady]

April, my heart breaks for you. As others have posted you will find understanding and as much solace as possible here. I lost my husband (best friend, soulmate) suddenly almost 2 years ago.

You will never be the same again, so don’t let others who have no clue tell you how you should feel, think, or act or judge you and try to make you feel “wrong”. I’ve had nothing but that from people (family and so called friends) and it is horrible some of the things that come out of people’s mouths. They have no idea because it hasn’t happened to them, but they all think they are experts and will try to “fix” you because your grief makes them uncomfortable.

Do what you feel is right for you. Take things one day, one hour, or one second at a time. You are indeed still in shock. Find yourself a counselor/therapist that specializes in grief.  

My psychiatrist also told me to stay away from anti-depressants for a least 2 years as they will just mask your grief and it will resurface later. I followed his advice, but I also don’t believe in those types of drugs. Obviously you may choose a different path, as our grief journey is unique for each of us.

You need to feel your grief, that, unfortunately is the only way through to some kind of healing from your terrible loss.

Also be aware that people/family you thought would be there for you may abandon you. I hope that’s not the case for you and that you have all the loving support you need and deserve, but again I speak from my own experience.

i am so sorry for your loss, hugs and love to you.

keep coming here, we all “get it” and are walking the grief road too.

Bless you. ❤️❤️❤️

 

[kayc]

Here's some articles on medication in grief:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/interview-are-we-medicating-normal.html

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/03/bereavement-and-snorting-seaweed.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/06/using-medication-to-manage-grief.html

[Gwenivere]

I read the articles you posted, Kay.  I’m on both antidepressants and anxiety medications.  My experience is they have not dulled one iota of the grief but help me navigate and function.  I know they got me thru 5 years of caregiving.  Now that I am on my own,  they’ve kept me from feeling so overwhelmed I wouldn’t get up or leave the house.  Medications affect each individual differently.  What might not be needed by one could be a lifesaver for another.  The 'your mileage may vary' scenario.  People with a strong support system may fare better, or not.  I don’t have any support but here and people I pay to talk to.  

The articles posted are very good, but I feel they should be balanced with ones that won’t make people that if they choose that route that they are possibly feel weak or abnormal.  Unfortunately I don’t have any links handy for that.  I do know people on meds for depression and anxiety who also don’t find them masking.  Just a tool they use for thier problems.  

As always, strictly my opinion.  

[Dawn G]

Dear April, I wholeheartedly agree with you. The loss of your husband, your other half, the love of your life is absolutely devastating. You have suffered a severe hit. I'm so sorry. My husband died suddenly several years ago. Your friends and family are right in that you will be okay again, though not for awhile. But no, you will never be the same again. You will find a new "normal" but it will never be the way it was. That said, I can tell you that life won't always feel as awful as it does now. The first year is the hardest and it will get gradually better. I'll be praying for your healing. Please get rest. Grief is exhausting.

[kayc]

On 6/14/2018 at 8:01 PM, Gwenivere said:

The articles posted are very good, but I feel they should be balanced with ones that won’t make people that if they choose that route that they are possibly feel weak or abnormal.

You are anything but weak or abnormal, I didn't get that out of the articles at all.  If a person needs antidepressants or antianxiety medicine because of chemical imbalances, losing your spouse certainly isn't going to lessen that need!  I take anti-anxiety medicine, but then I'm GAD and have been all my life.  I also used to be on antidepressants when I was married to my kids' dad, it helped me live through that time.  I went off them when George and I got married, I found I just didn't need them anymore.  The important thing to realize is whether you need this or whether you are trying to avoid your grief.  I've never seen you as someone trying to avoid your grief, hell, you'd just love to have a break from it if you only could!

This is not a judgment for anyone taking medications, when they're needed, they're essential.  It's more a caution against avoiding necessary grief work by masking it with drugs.  I don't see you doing that at all.