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Am I living in a fantasy world if I am hoping that the Dad I knew before Mom died is hidden there somewhere, and that he would come back to us? Should I begin to let him go and live life with the knowledge that he is gone forever, buried with Mom? If I do have to let go, how do I start? And what do I tell my brother? I am holding the fort and never said anything negative about Dad, telling him that Dad loves us but is too sad because Mom died and he's still grieving. I never gave a categorical answer to my brother's questions if the way dad was before Mom died will be back. I only said I don't know and we could pray for it. But Fathers Day is around the corner again and I'm really wondering if I'm doing things right.

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5 hours ago, Blue Captain said:

Am I living in a fantasy world if I am hoping that the Dad I knew before Mom died is hidden there somewhere, and that he would come back to us? Should I begin to let him go and live life with the knowledge that he is gone forever, buried with Mom? If I do have to let go, how do I start? And what do I tell my brother? I am holding the fort and never said anything negative about Dad, telling him that Dad loves us but is too sad because Mom died and he's still grieving. I never gave a categorical answer to my brother's questions if the way dad was before Mom died will be back. I only said I don't know and we could pray for it. But Fathers Day is around the corner again and I'm really wondering if I'm doing things right.

It is difficult to give you a clear answer because none of us can predict the future.  I know the death of your beloved mother, your Father's soulmate probably changed him in ways that is difficult to comprehend.  I always have hope that He will change and restore your relationship with him.  Only time will tell.

For myself, I always wanted my father to be a different way than he treated us children.  I have slowly learned to accept him as he is and that I may never get the Love and affection that I so wanted from him. 

As a Christian, I learned that  I was not able to receive from my earthly father yet I am able to receive from ABBA (another name of God- Daddy).  I accepted my father as he is and continue to love him.  I know he loves me but he was just not capable to express it in the way I needed and wanted.  What is interesting is now, many years later, my father has mellowed and become very loving, affectionate, and appreciative of his children.

I don't know or predict that this will happen for you but it is humbling to experience.  When I was finally able to let go of my expectations, I believe God and time changed his heart.  I pray you will experience that too.  Please, continue to have hope and expectation because none of us knows what the future holds,  But we do know who holds our future. - Shalom  

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We can't know if your dad will return to the father he was before or not, but I can tell you that grief changes us and that we are different after than we were before.  I'm sure he loves you and your brother and probably doesn't have a clue that you guys feel a lack, it's very sad.  Continue to love him.  You want to balance hope with reality, sometimes it's hard to find that balance.

For Father's Day continue to show your love for him even if it doesn't seem reciprocated.  We are to forgive even as we have been forgiven.  People may or may not appreciate that costly forgiveness but we have the satisfaction of having taken the high road and demonstrating what we'd like to see demonstrated.  And who knows how far reaching that might be!

Holding you and your brother in my prayers.

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My friend, it hurts my heart to read how you are struggling so ~ especially when I know of so many, many resources "out there" that could help you and your family. You cannot force your dad to take advantage of them, but that doesn't mean that you cannot learn more about grief and mourning yourself, so you'll have a better understanding of your own feelings and reactions as well as those of your dad. 

I've just listened to a very informative radio podcast that you may find helpful, and the book that is mentioned might be a perfect gift for you to present to your dad for Father's Day. Again, you can't force him to read it, but you can go as far as making it available to him. You could do that with any articles that you read as well, by printing them out and leaving the copies someplace where your dad will see them. It's a useful but indirect way for you to offer your support and understanding to him. 

Here is a link to the program, including information about the book: Inspiring Stories of Widowed Fathers in 'The Group'  ~ and you might appreciate listening to the program yourself.

Here is Amazon's description and reviews of the book, The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life

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Well your father's done something right.  He's raised a wonderful young man, thoughtful and well mannered.

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