I'm New

[kiakaha44]

Hi ,

My name is Susan. I am new to this board, and found it through a link on the ezboards. I lost my husband on August 19th, 2002. I came home for lunch and found him in our bed, he had just passed from a massive heart attack. I lost my mind that day.

To say that this past year, 2003 has been the worst of my life is an understatment. It has been so bad that I was recently released from the hospital only 8 days ago; I had checked myself in due to being suicidal.

I feel I have turned some corner now, and have accepted the loss. I am also being treated for major depression and ptsd and anxiety.

Today, though, I find myself very low. And it is disappointing to me. I don't quite know how to take it. I have been taken off the anxiety meds and gone through withdrawal.

My story is so long I can't even begin to put it here.

Just suffice enough to say that I lost the love of my life and was ripped in half when he died. I am still trying to find me. We were married for 17years, and together for 18.

Trying to wade through this muck called grief has almost killed me.

I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, but only had the benefit of some group therapy while in the hospital. It helped me tremendously. I guess that's why i am here....searching for those who understand.

Iam told I have "complicated grief" due to having the long goodbye (without knowing it), my husband had several illnesses but got through them all; and sudden death.

Is any grief "normal"????

The strength I discovered in the hospital I am afraid I am going to lose it.

I know that I have finally accepted his death, that he isn't coming back. But I fear my depression getting the best of me.

Can anyone relate to this?

Can anyone show me some more insight on this agonizing journey?

Yesterday was the 17 month mark. I made it through pretty upbeat and did not shed one tear...the first time ever. And no anxiety meds either.

Today I am just depressed....and afraid. I don't want to feel that numbing, all consuming pain again. How do I cope?

I am exhausted. Thanks for listening.

[bobsgal]

Hi Susan,

I am so very sorry for the reasons you are writing to this board. I know only too well how high the cost of admission is to join this group. Reading your post, brought so much back to me.

I lost my other half, my husband Bob to a sudden and unexpected heart attack, early in the morning hours 8 years ago last Aug. He was 47, and I was 45. We had been married 2 months shy of our 22nd anniversary, and had dated 6 months before we married. We were never fortunate to have had children, and somehow that burden was easier to bear with him here to help shoulder it.

My first year following his death was spent in a fog. When I would begin to emerge from it, the pain would become so intense and unbearable that I did not think I would ever be able to take another breath, and I would sink back down into oblivion again. I can understand your thoughts of suicide, your depression, most all of everything that you wrote.

I did not have access to help when I went through this, I didn't even have the internet until about 2½ years later. I had to return to work after about 2-3 weeks as we had no insurance, and my income had been cut in ½. The thoughts of ending it, were always so close to the surface for me. What held me back mostly was the thought: what would Bob think of me, if I couldn't keep moving on? Would he hate me for harming myself? You see, I was loved so very much by him, and all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, safe, comfortable, well, etc., and if I did something to hurt myself, I would be doing harm to what he loved. I couldn't take that chance of hurting him. Not sure if any of this makes sense to you, but it was my reasoning and how I worked though my feelings.

I really began my healing when I got online and began searching out groups such as this. Being able to tell my story, and have others understand where I was coming from, and how I was thinking did more for helping me than anything I had done up until then. That's why I am here, to give back a little of what was given to me when I needed it most.

I have no sage advice to give you except to tell you to keep telling your story, over and over again. Keep speaking of your love, your memories, the things that made him special, etc. Before you know it the stories will come easier, with less tears, but instead they will surround you with loving peaceful memories. And as you reach out to others who are walking where you are now, you will think back and see how much you have healed. There are no timetables to this, some days are better than others. I still miss my best friend and love, not a day goes by that I don't think of him. But I have found joy in living again. I am at peace with myself, and with my life.

You are being heard Susan, I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when you begin to doubt yourself. Keep reaching out.

Love and Blessings,

Lynda (bobsgal)

My other half

[kiakaha44]

Hi Lynda,

Thanks for replying to me. I just read your tribute to your husband and I am teared up at the moment. The love between you two is so eveident in those pictures it breaks my heart. That is the kind of love I had. That is the kind of love I miss.

This week is going to be a bit rough for me I think, but I will return tomorrow and post more about what's going on with me. I am so glad to have found this site.

Thank you for sharing...Susan.