My Behavior

[kiakaha44]

Normal.......a very much overused word I believe.

I have wailed like an animal

I have raged at God

I have lost my faith

I have been still-completely

I have been numb

My memory-gone

I have felt more pain than I thought ever possible

I lost my appetite for the first time in my life

I didn't cook, I ate only when someone made me

I have done things that defy anything logical

I have pushed and shoved friends and family away

I have isolated

I became brutally honest

Concentration? gone

I have given up my job

WHO AM I???

My husband was only 43.

Yet I exist.

[Penny]

I can completely relate to most if not all of these. It has been 3 months since my loss....and I still have an overwhelming degree of these behaviors. The gutwrenching pain is the hardest to take.

I wish you peace.

[jul]

I am so moved by your words...

I tried to imagine what this time of grief and loss would be like

It is like nothing I have known

I thought it might be like the worst break up I have ever had

but no

itis a feelng I do not know

A place in my heart I do not know

A pain I have not felt

Iam lost

Julie

[SAO]

I too am suffering the same

I feel so lost

My mother died feb 1

my Grandfater Jan 1

and my father October 27th

I just finished cleaning out there house and now it's on the market.

I feel numb

what the heck is going on ?

everyone goes throught this ???? My God

[Fiona]

Hello

Its been a while since I wrote anything in this forum, but your very poiniant entry stirred something in me.

I think grief is a strange battle. Why is it that no one warns you about the incredible mountain to climb when a loved one dies. It takes so long, and even when you feel like you've been handling it OK something else makes you mad or unhappy and you can always trace it back to your loss.

I hope you can feel the pain ease soon. This site is very useful if you want to talk about your loss. And it really helps bring things into the open.

I wish you a smooth journey towards a new you. I know you might not want a new you.... but there might be something beautiful in this rebirth.

Fiona

[AllyNoble]

Hello

Its been a while since I wrote anything in this forum, but your very poiniant entry stirred something in me.

I think grief is a strange battle. Why is it that no one warns you about the incredible mountain to climb when a loved one dies. It takes so long, and even when you feel like you've been handling it OK something else makes you mad or unhappy and you can always trace it back to your loss.

and what do you do when you run out of energy

when you dont want people round you

when you dont want to fight the fight no more

when you just plain and simple want to give up

when you cannot even recall what your son looks like

when the world seems at odds

when what you thought you wanted isnt what you want anymore

its all too damned hard .. can there really be a god who allows such suffering

[Riverbear]

I lost my wife June 5th. I can relate to much of what you're saying.

I'm having trouble with co-workers and family and friends trying to help me - people who I otherwise talk to on the phone four times a year calling me every 3 days, my brother who I haven't spent more than 6 hours with at a time since the 70's coming out to visit for five days. I have a grief counselor who listens to me, and says little. No one has any answers, yet they all insist on "being there for me".

People ask me how I'm doing - I don't know what to say. I miss my wife. I care little about my job or the house, my health (I started smoking again), my bills. I feel like the guts of my life have been kicked out.

I'm numb. My life has little meaning. I have thoughts about ending it all - not to stop the pain, but just so I can see her again.

I was a one person and one life before she got sick. I became another person while she was sick and I tended to her. I became yet another person in my searing grief and pain when she left. And they say I'll become yet another person "over time". My whole life, everything that really mattered to me, was about her and our life together. How can I re-order my life and rebuild when I don't even have the energy or interest in doing dishes or going to work in the morning? I am completely broken.

I have sought some insight into death, and the afterlife. I want to know where she is, if she can really see and look after me. It's about faith - faith requires hope, and I have none.

And they say this will last for months. It's like an emotional cancer - it just grows and grows and saps your strength, and never really goes away. And my next destination is being a lonely, depressed slob.

[qbee817]

Your words describe me except I have not drawn away from friends and family. My friends have been my lifeline. I lost the most dear, important, wonderful person in the word to me on May 22, suddenly in our living room. He was 38. My friend and I performed CPR until the paramedics arrived but we were never able to get a pulse. This has been the most devestating thing in my life. I have lost my mother and all of my grandparents. Yes I grieved for them, but nothing to the extent of this. I was divorced after a 20 year marriage, it took me 3 years to recover from that. I met this wonderful man who treated me better in 7 months than my ex did in 20 years. I could not have loved him any more if we had been married. And for him to be taken from me in such a short period of time is killing me. Everyone tells me to be grateful for the time we had together and I am, but I am so lost and lonely. I feel as though I'm obsessed with this grief. He is on my mind from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep and then in my dreams. I can't focus on conversations with my friends, I'm thinking of him. He's everywhere in the house, the yard, the car. I can't move anything of his because it's where he left it. I sob and talk to him. I had an overwhelming sadness at work one day and was trying to get myself together and out of the blue my supervisor started repremanding me on something. I got so upset I went to the restroom and cried, and then got angry and walked out on my job. I have never, ever walked out on a job before. I joined a grief support group but they only meet once a month. I do have an appointment with a counselor next week. I just want to feel better, he will always be my heart and soul forever....I just want to feel better.

[jeansheridan]

Right now, I'm in the angry period. I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts. I'm rarely angry in "real" life. Frustrated, yes, really angry, no.

I almost wish I felt the freedom to do something wild, but I find myself sticking to my routines. I've always done this after a death in the family. My father, older sister, great aunts, and mother (Jan 3) have all died. Fortunately I had a few years between each to cope and absorb. But I have found that routines help. Going through the motions eventually helps.

I'm not advising anyone (no way!), but just saying what worked for me.

This time though I feel very alone. I only have one sister left. That's it. We've gone from five to two. No children, no spouses. Shrinking. Our branch of the family tree has shriveled up and died. Natural selection is doing its thing.

[MartyT]

Dear Jean,

I’m struck by your statement that “right now I’m in the angry period,” and from what you've said, I get the sense that being angry is a state that feels somewhat unfamiliar and unnatural to you, and you're not quite sure what to do with it.

Although grief is as individual as we are, some feelings and reactions are universal, and I think it’s helpful to know that anger is one of the most common.

I’d like to share with you and others who may be reading this some useful information about the anger that often accompanies grief:

You may not feel angry at all, since anger isn’t part of everyone’s experience. Nevertheless, when you’re frustrated and hurting, it’s only natural to lash out and look for someone to blame. Being angry is a way of channeling energy, of making some sense of the pain. When you are protesting an unjust loss, you may have every right to be angry. Even if you know your anger isn’t logical and justified, you can’t always help how you feel. Emotions aren’t always rational and logical. Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. And for some of us, being angry may be preferable to feeling the underlying hurt and pain of loss.

You may find yourself feeling angry:

∙ at yourself for what you did or failed to do, whether it is real or imagined.

∙ at your loved one for dying and abandoning you.

∙ at a surviving family member for not being the one who died.

∙ at medical or nursing staff who expressed little or no sympathy during your loved one's illness or death.

∙ at the doctors or the health care system for failing to save your loved one.

∙ at the situation which suddenly rendered you helpless and powerless, when all this time you thought you were in control of your life.

∙ at fate or at God for letting your loved one get sick and die.

∙ at life because it isn’t fair.

∙ at the rest of the world because life goes on as if nothing’s happened, while all your dreams are shattered and your life’s been turned upside down.

∙ at others who have not lost what you have lost, who aren’t suffering; who are more fortunate than you and don’t even see it or appreciate it; who cannot understand what you are going through; who will go back to their lives as usual.

∙ at others for being happy (part of a couple, part of an intact family) when you are not.

Anger is a powerful emotion that can be frightening. But feeling angry doesn’t necessarily imply that you will lose control or take your anger out unfairly on others. Before you can get through it and let go of it, anger must be admitted, felt and expressed, if only to yourself. When you simply acknowledge feelings of anger to yourself or a trusted other without actually doing anything about them, no harm is done, to you or anyone else. On the other hand, if anger is suppressed and held on to, eventually you may erupt like a volcano, internalize it and take it out on yourself (in the form of depression or anxiety), or misdirect it toward innocent others such as family, friends and colleagues.

Suggestions for Coping with Anger

∙ Recognize what you were taught about anger as a child and how that may affect the way you experience and deal with anger now.

∙ Seek to understand what's driving your anger, resentment or disappointment. Examine whatever expectations you had of others that were not met. What did you expect that did not happen? Were your expectations reasonable? Were others capable of doing what you expected?

∙ Discover ways to discharge the energy of anger in appropriate, non-destructive ways that will bring no harm to yourself, to others or to property. Find a safe place, space, activity and time where you can let your anger out through

physical exercise: sports, brisk walking, pounding pillows, chopping wood, digging holes, scrubbing floors.

hobbies and crafts: painting, pottery, stitchery, wood working.

music: blowing a horn; pounding drums or a piano.

writing: keeping a journal; writing a letter and tearing it up.

talking: finding someone you can talk to, without feeling judged or being told you’re bad because you’re angry.

reaching out: asking others for the support you need, rather than expecting them to know.

If you've decided your anger with another is justified, you can choose to deal with it by

confronting the person constructively with what happened and how you feel about it.

realigning your expectations, accepting the person's limitations and seeking the support you need elsewhere.

leaving the relationship.

If you think you’re in danger of hurting yourself or someone else, if you’re feeling as if your anger is out of control, seek professional help at once.

– in Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, © 2000 by Martha M. Tousley

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[jeansheridan]

Thanks Marty, although I wasn't really all that concerned about it. I've been through this before. I've just never been this alone before. Which is why I am here. Friends are great, but you can't burn them out.

To be honest, I don't want advice. I just want to rant a bit in a controlled setting.

[MartyT]

Then you have come to the right place, Jean. There is no right or wrong way to do the work of grieving. There is only your way, and like everyone else who comes here, you must discover that for yourself.

Rant away, my friend. You are still most welcome here.

[button]

It's been over seven months since my Grandmother died in my arms, but yet it feels like yesterday. I too have thought about joining her. Not really in a "I want to kill myself" aspect, but just be with her again. Why is it that this is so hard? I find after seven months, I hit waves. Periods of when I want to talk about her, and periods when I relive the horrific suffering she went through. I've been seeing a psychiatrist, counselor, and bereavement group, put on med's, but still cannot stop thinking about her constantly. I would give anything to have her back, though I know that is impossible. I too have fought with God, and many other people. My conscience is clear because I was lucky enough to say everything I needed to her, but why do I still feel guilty? I think emptiness is the best word to describe my feelings, or lack thereof. My concentration is lost, I could care less about taking care of myself, or what I eat. Sometimes I just start to cry like a baby and cannot stop, yet I feel as though I am not healing. This is the worst pain I have ever known.

[jeansheridan]

Button, were you her caregiver? Because it's hard to give up that role.

[jeansheridan]

It's been 29 days and my damn routines aren't working any more. I've gone through death before, but losing my mother is the worst because that's it. All the old family routines are gone except for feeding and walking the dogs.

I'm wearing out my friends too. I can feel their frustration and helplessness. They're going to start avoiding me soon unless I control myself.

I mentioned my mother at a group dinner and it was like I ripped a fart or something. Everyone froze.

I like what riverbear said. I was one thing before. I was a daughter. A very much loved and spoiled daughter. The family baby. Now I'm nothing. Just a 35 year old woman who suddenly owns a house she didn't earn. I'm suddenly in a financial parternship with a sister whom I love but don't always trust (which is a weird dynamic, but there it is).

And yeah, part of me wants to die just so I can see if I will see mom again. Because I don't have much hope right now. I'm a Catholic without much hope. Which sucks.

Sorry. It's Tuesday morning and life sucks right now. Sucks, sucks, sucks. Aren't I a mature one, eh?

Wow, I actually feel calmer. But will it last?

[button]

I find that "letting it out" does help. Unfortunately for me, just for a while. Having been the sole caregiver to my grandmother, (a job that I am lost without), I feel alone. I too am Catholic and agree that this sucks such big time. My pastor keeps telling me that "tears are a stairway to healing". After seven months I still cry like a baby. I have come to the conclusion that for those who do not like for me to talk about her, or who pull away from me, do not need to be close to me in the first place. Selfish? You bet. This is a very selfish experience I am going through. It is all about me healing, or at least trying to heal after the most devastating loss of my life. I honestly don't give a damn anymore what people think. 29 days, My God, it hasn't even been a month. Just vent, vent, vent. Cry when you need to and laugh when you want to. I hope this helps.

[jeansheridan]

Thanks Button! I just found the forums again. I thought they had disappeared (and usually I'm so techie! Weird I couldn't find them).

I find I'm getting angrier and angrier. I live with my sister in my mother's house and I get angry every time she makes a change. Like having her ex-boyfriend practically move in. I'm furious with her. And I don't want to be mad because she's my last living relative. She's it. Without her I have no family. And it's scary being mad at her.

So I'm moving. And I'm angry that I have to move. I'm just angry period. Crying and angry.

Getting over other deaths was a lot easier than this. I almost wish I were in school. Work isn't distracting enough.

[jennifer03]

I am normally a strong person and had been strong for my husband during his many years of illness. Strong for my kids when I wanted to cry for them and with them. Strong at work and for all my staff listening to their issues and problems which to mine seem small and I want to say "HELLOOO!!! I am a widow at 40!". But again I'm there strong for them and all their needs. And so life goes on. I didn't find my family overhwhelmingly supportive and still don't so I HAVE to be strong for me and my gilrs. BUT I AM TIRED. I haven't decided if I'm really strong or if it all an act. It will be three years this August and it's getting harder and harder to cope. I want my husabnd back, my normal life that others were envious of. I am blessed that I have my girls and they seem to be coping well. They were a big part of my husband illness helping out and being there and knowing the outocme was going to be death we were always honest and enjoyed the good times and bad times together. Did I mention that cancer sucks. Just latley I'd like to throw in the rag and hang back in a non stressful job and think about life and what I am supposed to do and why I'm here. I can't though as I have two girls graduating next year; one college one high school. How can I find the strength to keep going. I think all of heaven is over me. St Jude, patron of hopelss cases, blows me off!!! So how do I understand if at three years this is normal or am I finally crapping out.....I think not but it sure sounds good to me! Please advise...

[Chatty]

I am a widow at 35,... My husband died April 12, the day I was to bring him home from the hospital.

He had a minor stroke and was in the hospital..recovering. He was only 49. He needed heart surgery so they gav him an angiogram..where they had to go thru his groin. An infecion developed..add to it the fact that the minor stroke he had..gave him sensory damage...which means he refused food during his 7 days in the hospital before his death, He had an awful infection, was on blood thinners, and had had no food for 7 days..he fell down in his room. The nurses put him back in his bed and 1 hour later he was brain dead, Our marriage was good but we had many "outside problems" we stuck things out..yet we took time for granted..we kept saying..after he got his child support done ect..we would be happy. Now he is gone. I feel regret..remorse..

People want to help me..want to be close to me..I just want to be alone. I am angry, ..I am not self destructive..rather I just need time - is this normal? The ones that are treating me with the most care and sincerity..I push away. I think the only thing I can feel some days Is regret...for what I didn't do/say. I miss him. This is so unfair...

[kayc]

Of course it is unfair. And your response is entirely "normal". It is hard to go on as if everything is okay when it isn't, it feels like a bomb went off inside of your life and you are left with the fallout. It is a shock to the system. And we got no say-so. What do we reply when people ask how we are? Okay? I'm NOT okay, but if I say how I really am...well they don't really want to know that. I am frank with those I feel might care, but even so, they can't really relate, they've never lost their husband, their lives go on as usual while I go home to an empty house full of haunting memories of things done and things that never got to take place. I go on and tackle this as a full-time job, I do what I need to do and express my grief and force myself to eat healthy and walk every day...I don't do it for me, I do it because my beloved would have wanted me to, and I do it for my grown kids who aren't ready for me to go yet. I wish I could fast-forward to the day in which I could look at our memories and smile, but right now there is this excruciating pain to endure and it feels unbearable. I want him back, that's all. And no one can understand how much I miss him and love him. Tonight I talked to a young widow who lost her husband two weeks ago and she sounds like she has it all together and has great attitudes and I wonder, is she in shock or something? Or is she really just that much better at handling this grief thing than I am? For me it's been 5 1/2 weeks. Since Father's Day, that's when I lost him. I am in love with my husband and I can't even see him. How's that for crud? I don't think it matters how old we are or how much time we've gotten together, it flat out hurts...yet if we are younger or it was unexpected, we have the shock to deal with too, along with the sense of a violation of what we had come to expect as our right...we thought we'd grow old together and share our lives together, that didn't happen. And we feel ripped. But I've met those who've lost their spouse after 50+ years and they don't feel any better than we do. They are just as lost, they hurt just as much. Sure they have more memories to console themselves with, but there is no memory like the present and that's the one we'd like to share with our spouse.

[STARKISS]

HI, I AM BEGINNING TO WONDER WHAT IS NORMAL ANYMORE. I LOST MY MOM LAST APRIL 18, 2005 AND I HAVE JUST LOST MY DAD ON AUGUST 25, 2005. SO I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS NORMAL, DOES ANYONE KNOW

[MartyT]

Shelley, dear,

We are all so very sorry to learn of the death of your dear father yesterday. Please know that you are being held by all of us in gentle thought and prayer.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[STARKISS]

HI I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS NORMAL ANYMORE I HAVE LOST MY MOM ON APRIL 18, 2005 AND MY DAD PASSED AWAY ON AUGUST 25, 2005 AND BESIDES THAT I HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE IN THREE WEEKS TIME SO THE HOUSE CAN BE SOLD. SO I REALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT BEHAVIOR IS NORMAL ANYMORE. PLEASE HELP ME.