On The Brink

[JennO]

Hi everyone,

In just an hour the day will become the first anniversary of Jeff's death. I carefully planned to have a few days off work, spent the day with a friend beginning to put together a few memory quilts using Jeff's old tshirts, have a girls lunch tomorrow and then all our friends over tomorrow night, then wrap up the time off with Rory's one year check up. Then, it is over. The last of the firsts that are so very hard throughout the first year. I think I have carefully crafted things that I think might work for me, but I am slowing beginning to fall apart as the night goes on. I remember saying to my mom the day of the funeral, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this either.

Like many of us, I had a wonderful husband and one who made the last seven years of my life unforgettable. They weren't always wonderful or glamourous or even fun, but there were spectacular moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I have sat back the last few days and observed. I feel myself withdrawing when friends call, putting up my emotional security wall. I know if I start, I won't stop. And I have a son that relies on me and is acutely in tune with my emotional state at just one years old, so I must maintain. I haven't returned my hospice counsellor's phone call and I don't know if I can. I don't want to talk to my family that cares so deeply over the phone tomorrow and think of something to say. I don't want to lose it to not recover the rest of the day.

I have been reflecting on my husband, our life, and what life would be like now if he was here. What would be different, what would be the same, would it be better, and what would be worse? I am at a crossroads this week. I have always been a working professional with a good income and decent lifestyle. I am now faced with foreclosure on my home within the next month if I cannot bring the balance current and remain current.....I still haven't told them Jeff died...the mortgage is in his name only. I am anxious about my job because the amount of work required to accomplish our goals requires at least 10 more hours of week that I cannot afford to take away from my already limited time with Rory or additional daycare cost, but I can't find another job that offers me a more stable schedule in this downtrodden economy with a bigger paycheck since what I make now does not cover the bills. Even moving the 800 miles back home to mom and dad won't allow me to "make it" on my own in a similar home. I have no savings, insurance money, or back up funds whatsoever. I find myself getting lonelier and lonelier on my nights off since many and most of my friends around here have small children like myself and can't even spend time together themselves!

I am just very sad and confused and need my Jeff to talk this through and create a solution.

[kayc]

Jenn,

I urge you to make an appointment with a loan officer from the mortgage company as soon as possible! Bring with you a copy of the death certificate and will if there is one. George did not have a will so I only had to give the bank a copy of the death certificate and refinanced so now the mortgage and title is in my name only (with bank as lienholder). You do not want it to go into foreclosure! Just explain to them what happened, what your income level is and discuss options with them. You might be surprised what they can come up with.

I commend you on coming up with such a creative solution to commemorate the one year anniversary of his death...you are right, I think all of the firsts are the very hardest. But of course it isn't over, it goes on and on, but I think it's not as bad as it was at first. That's good, no one could take that level indefinitely.

I will keep you in my prayers today and in the days ahead.

[kellymarie]

Jenn, I feel I have no words of comfort for you on this rough day. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and Rory today and sending you both many hugs! One positive note... the day is almost over and you SURVIVED!

[Jamie]

Jenn,

How I wish I could be there to hold you at this moment, I truly wish that I would have the words to comfort you but I know that words are not what you need; you need Jeff. So I will only say to you that you are in my thoughts and heart.

Many Hugs,

Jamie

[LarrysGirl]

Jenn, I'm sorry to not have responded sooner, my mind was elsewhere but wanted to know I was thinking of you on the year anniverary and hoping you are hanging in there. My year will be coming all too soon. Take care. Deborah

[chrissy777]

Jenn,

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I know you are a strong person raising your son alone. I know this now more than ever how hard that is especially after what we have been through. I too think alot about how it would be if Jason were here. It is hard to think of that, so I usually try to stop myself when I do. I like your idea of making a quilt from his t shirts I actually printed something from DIY network online to try that but never got around to it. I am also not to crafty when it comes to that stuff. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Roy]

Jenn

I could never bring myself to just talk to the ceiling as if to my partner until the first year anniversary of his death - when I spent a full hour, or more, at just this. When you ended your first-year anniversary post by saying you needed to talk things through and create a solution with your husband ... I so hope this happened! Not a mortgage, but a lease. I'm in a similar situation of living under an agreement that is not in my name - in fact, since June, I just don't have a lease - and I have hardly a friend to talk to, much less a friend who would help me move if this fell apart. Friends and family have no solutions and simply change the subject when raised. All I can do is wait and see - and to trust in Paul. You say that you think of how things might be if your husband, Jeff, were here. I believe that Paul would be as paralysed as I - the difference being that we'd be in this together - but that a solution will come to me just as it would (and perhaps will) to him. At times I think "Okay, it's all very well that there are others who understand grief - but I have far bigger problems than this" and I see this as something freakish. It isn't. It's a complicating factor, but it's inter-related - I don't have the income that I did with a partner - and this is a part of the loss that I've suffered. I have to believe that God smiles upon me just as does others grieving their partners - that if I pay attention to my grief, as any other, financial solutions (as part of this) will follow. Don't stop seeking your husband's advice. Don't stop asking what your lives would be together if your husband, Jeff, were here.

All of my best wishes to you and your young son.

Roy