Reaching Out

[WendyH]

Hi, I'm posting my story...I'm not sure if there are new folks here or the same ones from the other group I was in. For those of you who may make the switch and are rereading this again, I apologize...I just wasn't sure how to get started here with this group!?

My name is Wendy and our son Gabriel died on April 23, 2003...we miss him terribly!

I had just started my ninth month of pregnancy...earlier in my pregnancy we had dealt with several situations...placenta previa - putting me on bed-rest for ten weeks, amniotic/chorionic separation, and two cysts on our son's brain. All of these things had been resolved by the end of my seventh month. We were told that things were going to be fine...smooth sailing from here on out. We were so relieved, to say the least. On Tuesday, the 22nd of April (my birthday of all days) I went into the doctor's office because I was concerned about lack of movement from the baby. For a couple of days I was noticing these bulging movements. My husband and I had thought that maybe with this pregnancy, this baby just maybe rolled more than kicked?? My belly would bulge out and it appeared to be his little head, or bum, or maybe an elbow? However, on this day, something just didn't feel right...no little kicking, no hiccups...just these occasional bulges. That's why I called the doctor. My husband had come home from work early to stay with our two year old son, my mom was on her way up to our house...we were all going out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. Although I was concerned and had called the doctor, we really didn't think anything was really wrong. We had been though so much already, and everything had turned out fine...we really thought it was a false alarm. He had to be fine...he had to be moving around, why would I be seeing these bulges, right? Well, when I got there and the nurse practitioner couldn't find his heartbeat, I was concerned, but not out of control because that had happened before with the doctor. We than went into the ultrasound room...there really wasn't a heartbeat...the doctor came in...no cardiac activity at all...oh God...this couldn't be right, they must have made a mistake...this couldn't be happening....my husband came immediately...we went into the hospital that night and I delivered him the next morning. He had gotten tangled up in the cord...

The doctor said there were signs of him being gone longer than the day I noticed...why didn't I notice? The week before I was feeling very uncomfortable, actually was timing contractions, but they never got closer than 30 minutes, and then they stopped! So I didn't call the doctor...thought they were just Braxton Hicks. Why didn't I call the doctor than...? Was that when it happened? I'm killing myself trying to figure out when the last time I actually felt him "kick?"

All the decisions that had to be made, and in such a short amount of time...jeeze...it's all so overwhelming! I didn't want to leave the hospital, my husband wanted to leave as soon as possible. It was very difficult for him while we were there...he cried at the hospital, but hasn't since, at least not in front of me. I think he wanted to leave because he wanted/needed to focus on something else because the pain was too much, and being there, it was right there in his face. I didn't want to face anyone...it felt like I could "hide out" there. I didn't need to talk to anyone, tell them what had happened. I couldn't run into anyone there, and have to face the questions...Also, Gabriel stayed there, and as long as I was there, he was there. They would bring him to me any time that I asked for him. I would hold his beautiful little body, and kiss him, wrap his little fingers around one of mine. He was so soft, his skin was so soft. When I was first holding him, he was so warm....as I closed my eyes, leaned my head back, and held his little body, it was as if he wasn't really gone...he was maybe just sleeping in my arms...he was so soft, so warm....I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving the hospital...leaving him...

I actually think I feel worse now, than I did when it first happened...if that's at all possible!?!?!?!? My husband seems so much more "together" than I am. Some days I think I appear better than others...but I think I am just better at pretending on those days. The emptiness...the profound sadness...it's almost unbearable...my heart just hurts...it aches so much. It seems like it's always worse at night. I feel fortunate that I have a couple of close friends who want to "be there" for me and support me, however, I just can't bring myself to allow them to be though...I'm not sure why!? I have this feeling that I don't want to bother them...burden them with my sadness. Plus, most of the time I'm most in need in the middle of the night. I won't even wake my husband up, even though I want to more than anything...just to be held by him...

I came on-line searching...to...well, I'm not really sure what I am looking for...others who have gone through this, maybe...someone to connect with....it seems easier to type about this and cry, than it does to talk out loud and cry with someone face to face. I'm trying so hard to find my way, but I just feel so lost!?

Thank you for reading all of this!

Sincerely,

Wendy

[jenn]

Dear Wendy,

I read your message with such sadness for you and your husband. I have not experienced this type of loss and can only imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. I don't think there is any rhyme or reason for the way a person grieves and especially in your case, never having had the chance to know this beautiful child before he was taken away. All your feelings seem natural, although confusing to you, it's not surprising that you are struggling to find a way to deal all of it. It's a lot to deal with! Talking, crying, writing, and anything else you do are all forms of working through your grief and you should look at it as healthy and good for you, as much and long as you need to them.

I know there are people out there who can relate to your experience and offer so much in the way of compassion and understanding and it's only a matter of time before you find each other and share the tremendous pain you are going through. If you do a search on the internet for grief support using keywords such as miscarriage or still born or loss of child or infant, you will find many other people that way as well.

Here is a special story I found for a friend who was going through the same thing as you:

http://www.erichad.com/lindsay/index.htm

And another link you might find helpful:

http://www.pain-heartache-hope.com/home.htm

Good luck Wendy. Even though I can't directly relate to your pain, I just want you to know I care.

Jenn

[Lil Viper]

Wendy,

I am so sorry to hear about what your going through. That had to be so devasting for you and your husband. I don't know exactly what your going through, but I have miscarried before. I was 4 months and had to have a -DNC-. Although I didn't carry to term, I still was heartbroken. It took me a long time to forgive myself. I thought it was because of something I did or could have prevented. But really there is no way to know what is going to happen.

My father passed away 3 months ago and I've been having a hard time. I know how bad loss feels. The pain is so unbearable. I'm sure your husband wouldn't mind if you woke him at night. You need to reach out to him. His love will help you.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to remember the last time your baby kicked. You need to know that is wasn't your fault. All kinds of things happen in pregnancy that we don't understand. There is no way you could have known. I know what you mean about things feeling like their getting worse now instead of better. I feel that way about my dad. I guess the shock has wore off, and now we have to deal with the reality of never seeing them again. I can't get use to the idea of him being gone. I miss him so much. Just remember to take as much time as you need.

You can write me any time you want to. There are people who care. Bst wishes to you and your family.

Lil' Viper

[bobsgal]

Dear Wendy,

Sending you many warm hugs to give you some comfort on these long nights. I cannot imagine what you have gone through or are still going through, but I do care.

I fully understand your need to search out an online support group. That is when my healing of my grief actually began, when I finally got online and connected with others that had been where I was, and was able to tell my story without being judged. I pray that you are given moments of peace, with loving memories of Gabriel to help sustain you.

We all move along this road at different levels, not always in a forward projection either. I have found after many years, there is no set formula to getting through this, and not to judge my progress from others (don't hold anothers progress up for a yardstick for yourself). Keep writing for your sanity,

Love and Blessings,

bobsgal

Lynda