1st Of The Month Blues

[chandrasmom]

Yesterday I was really on edge, in a funky mood and wanted to cry at the silliest things. I had a cyst removed from my head yesterday, and I had been curiously calm about getting the procedure done--not even a slight case of nerves. You see, I took Chandra with me. I wore my ankh with her name and birth and death dates on it, her ankle bracelet, and her ring, and I knew that she would loan me some of her strength if I needed it. But how could I get worked up over a little cyst removal when she had been through so much more?

The doctor was her usual unfriendly, snippy self, and when she left the room I started crying. The rest of the day went downhill from there. I kept wondering what the heck was going on with me. And then I realized it's the beginning of another month, leading to another ninth of the month. On August 9 it will be six months--half a year--since Chandra died. It's like my subconscious gears up for that day at the beginning of each month. Depression sets in. I want to crawl into my shell and stay there. And everything makes me want to cry.

Will it always be like this? Or will the first of the month eventually slip by without me noticing?

Deborah

[shell]

Deborah,

I think it's too bad we can't all throw away calendars! It would be easier to NOT know what date it was. I'm doing the same thing, gearing up for the 7th, which will mark two months since my mom died. Sometimes I think, what difference does it make? I miss her every day, why should I let a date bother me so much? But of course the date does bother me. I hope in time (which means a long time from now, I'm sure) we won't be as aware of the date, I hope! My heart goes out to you. I'll be sending you a mental hug on the 9th.

Hugs,

Shell

[dpodesta]

chandrasmom,

Over time, the date during the months will subside. Mine started with Thursdays, that was the day Karen died and they were the worst. Then of course it was the 6th of the month that bothered me. I would say around 7 or 8 months was when the 6th of the month slipped past me and it no longer was significant. The only one that is now is April 6th which is the day she died. It is kind of like when our loved ones first died, we counted the days, soon we started counting the weeks instead of days. The weeks turned into months. Now when will the months turn into just years, I don't know the answer to that. I am still in the month phase. It was my 8 year old son who pointed out to me one day recently that Thursdays were no longer a bad day for me, I looked back at how long it had been since Thursday was a bad day and it surprised me at how long it had actually been. One day you will be able to look back at the 9th of any given month and relize that it is only another day a ordinary date that comes once a month. The only time the 9th will be significant will be the 9th of the month that your loved one left this world to be in a better place. Pray and ask God to get you through this and he will.

Love always\Derek

[chandrasmom]

It helps to hear from those further along in the grief timeline, Derek. I actually got through the ninth of this month without a lot of pain, though I spent most of the day thinking of my daughter and her final days. I'm sure you are right that there will eventually come a time when February 9 is the only day I truly dread. I spent yesterday with a friend who lost her son 6 years ago. Only now can she think of working on that day.

Deborah

[dpodesta]

Deborah

I am glad to hear that it went well for you. That is how it usually starts, you will go through the 9th for a couple of months and you will think about it, but it won't hurt as much. Then all of a sudden, it will be the 10th and you will realize that you made it through the 9th without thinking about it at all. The 6th of the month for me is now just another date. All except for June 6th, that one I know will stay with me for a long time. Keep coming back and as always someone will be here to help.

Love Always

Derek