Lost It Again..

[Stallyn]

Guys,

Well what can I think of what to say this time, in the process of packing and saw a picture of My wife and lost it, I became sullen and angry at her for giving up 9 months ago, telling her how damn selfish she was for doing this to me, I thought at this time in my life the anger was resolved, Wrong. Took 10 steps backwards now, just can't believe it. Still imagining now I HAVE to keep moving forward. I don't in some ways, I will her back to life to no avail. I miss her so much it aches.

Love,

William

[karenb]

Hi William,

You are in what my daughter tells me when I am out of sorts...."You're in a funk, Mom!" It's hard to get out of a funk, probably just time? You know she wasn't selfish, you know she didn't do anything to you, you know she loved you and she couldn't help it. There nothing you can do except cherish the wonderful memories you two have had together....I'm sure there are many. Try and concentrate on those good things with her. I woke up the other night or maybe I was dreaming and saw myself getting to emergency and seeing the doctor standing there....I just screamed, "Oh, no!" They put me in emergency. That's exactly what happened when he died. As hard as you try, sometimes these thoughts creep in and, with me, I have to consciously change those thoughts. Even after two years I still have to consciously change those thoughts. You have to hang in there, my friend. You're making very positive steps in my mind, I hope in yours, too. Well, I have a 2-day crock pot full of stew that I need to make gravy for. I always make extra and freeze dinners for my son. That helps me to not have to cook for one. Change those thoughts, my friend.

Love you...Karen

[suzanne]

William

My friend, I am here with you. I lost Will the same day you did Myrna and yes the agony is so intense. I too had to pack up all familiar to remodel and thought why could you not be here. But I did all the things we had planned to together and now today I am unpacking the photos. But in the process I found one of the most beautiful notes Will had sent on our 10th wedding anniversary about how much he loved me along with a penny on the floor, heads up. I will treasure it always. Rememnber how they loved us so and still do. You are not alone. They will shine to guide us. Remember to take your meds, I forget mine yesterday. You too Wendy.

Your friend

Suzanne

Karen

That stew sounds yummy. Could you make jalepeno cornbread to go with it? I'm from the south.

Suzanne

[karenb]

You've got it! You must be a wonderful person.

Love you...Karen

[suzanne]

Karen

I don't feel like a wonderful person but thank you. I try as well as we all do. You are farther along in this journey than I am and one of my inspirations during those days when that mountain just seems to high to climb. Step by step, right?

William

Don't leave us my friend. I am here if you want to talk, so is Karen.

Suzanne

[Stallyn]

Both of you are wonderful, always near me when I falter, I get so sick of this funk, I never had to deal with such a long standing problem like this ever, its a recurring nightmare, and I can't break the cycle of releasing it when it builds up, so I implode and suffer for it. I will miss the memories here at this apartment but I can't live here anymore, its too depressing, does that make sense? I will continue to stay here, as you are my family..what a pathetic life to think I can't just call my family here in phoenix and not get stabbed or bled to death. Love you guys.

William

[suzanne]

William

We all falter. It makes sense you can't live in your apartment but carry your memories with you, pack a bag, put them in it, and take themn right along. I had thoughts of selling our house (note-not home, but making it one) but I changed my mind. My situation was different, we had lived here for 21 years. Do what you feel is right for you. That's the best we can do.

Suzanne

[Corinne]

William,

I too hold the anger in until I explode. I was wrapping presents for the girls and got so mad at John. We used to wrap the girls presents together every Christmas eve and then put them under the tree to surprise the girls. It is not fair that I am left here to to do this all alone. They need their Daddy.

I am so sorry that you are missing Myrna so much. It is hard with the holidays here and with you moving. I know that when I had to move I had to get rid of a lot of Jimmy's and John's things and it was very, very hard. I also know what you mean when you say you will miss the memories but it is so depressing. I lived in the same place for 20 yrs. with both Jimmy and John. There were so many memories there, but it was very depressing to be there. I decided when I left to try and leave the bad memories behind and only bring the good ones. I have forgiven them both for what I went through and now I just miss them both. I still feel like I am walking around in a fog. The only thing I do know right now is that we can all get through this together.

Please remember to take your meds during this time. You too Wendy.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[WendyJ]

William you have been helping me so much with my 9 month being yesterday and the fight with my daughter that I hope I didn't pull you down with me. You know my feelings about you getting this house that I think it is the best thing you could have done, financially and personally. You know Myrna could not help getting sicker and sicker and never would have left you if she had the chance, she loved you very much. This is such a hard time for all of us, and this roller coaster ride we are all on is only going to make us sicker for awhile but I hope the ride breaks down for awhile after the holidays to give us a breather before it starts again. I know I could use a break for awhile and I am sure everyone else could too. Hang in there my friend you know I am always here for you ! Suzanne I was a good grl and have been remembering my meds...do I get a gold star?

Wendy

P.S. Thanks Corinne, I did. You and I must have been writing at the same time, I never saw your post.

[Corinne]

Hey Wendy,

You do get a gold star for remembering your meds. I actually have been doing really well remembering mine. I just wish they would kick in because I can't stand feeling the way I do anymore. I just feel like I am stuck in a rut and not going anywhere. I cannot concentrate on anything for very long and I feel like I am in a daze. It is so hard trying to make this Christmas special for my girls, I just want to go and lock myself in a room and not come out until the holidays are done.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

P.S. Karen that stew does sound good, I have not had good stew in a long time.

[WendyJ]

Corinne I feel that way and I am on meds already ! Got in a spat with my daughter last night, she gets so Bi....tchy like once a month to the point where she is nasty and won't let something go, well to make a long story short she had to pull this on the night of the 9 month anniversary of losing Steve. I told William at one point I just dropped on the kitchen floor crying as I couldn't take the day anymore and I had so quickly 6 little Japanese Chins all over me and trying to lick my face. I don't know what I would do without my little babies, they are so intuned to my emotions and have been watching over me so intently since Steve has been gone. Hey Karen that stew does sound good, you know you shouldn't mention it unless you are going to share with everyone ! LOL

Wendy

[Corinne]

Wendy,

I am sorry your daughter pulled that on night of the anniversary of losing Steve. Maybe she too was feeling the loss of her Dad. I know what you mean about animals. I, like Karen, have a black lab named Bo, he always comes to comfort me when I cry.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[WendyJ]

Thanks Corinne, no she pulls these weird moods at least once a month and she gets nasty, I told her last night to either get help or move out as I couldn't take is anymore. Then she said she would move out and never come back. Today she came home from work like nothing ever happened, guess she realized she had no place else to go !

Wendy

[Corinne]

Wendy,

Once again "the joys of parenting". They make us crazy but we have to love them! I now have to carry my little one up and put her in bed because she fell asleep on the couch. My older one likes to sleep downstairs with Bo on the weekends. It is so funny she takes over his bed and he has to sleep on the floor. Right now they are both sleeping on the floor next to me she is using him for a pillow.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[karenb]

Corrine and you guys with wonderful pets.....it's great! The picture of her with Bo is wonderful and it's so easy to picture. These "critters" have such unconditional love it's amazing. Sadie will allow anything, but she is now inching her way up the bed at night to where she's right beside me....she is big so I'm finding myself fighting for room. I'm like that guy on the commercial fighting his way to fight for the bed with his Great Dane with 4 legs out sleeping peacefully. We are lucky to have these guys to help us through. It's wonderful.

Love You...Karen

[Stallyn]

Hi Guys, I think my coping is unhealthy, but hard to say anymore, I have just a wish to forget the past 8 years 9 months, its such a huge task living this different life ever day. I forgot my meds today and have an appt monday so thats good, You guys are so special to me, I just can't think to well tonite, Wendy, you didn't drag me down or anything like that, I know it was hard for you and the family pressures too, I hope I helped you no matter what. Pets are awesome, they make me laugh with just their antics, fish do such silly things and the hermit crabs wander around clanking about, I went to the fish store and saw some kittens, been thinking if it would be an addition but I got too much on my plate right now.

(((HUGS)))

[lyn]

William,

Hang in there my friend. It is ok to feel angry, acknowledge your feelings and know that the anger will also pass. It may be hard to focus on the happy memories now, but your love for her will always prevail..in your heart you know that she was a very special person and will always be.

~~~

Wendy,

What a beautiful photo you have with your husband. You look like Julia Roberts. My thoughts and prayers are with you yesterday. You are a strong woman, you know that. I guess your daughter only wants to make you feel better when she asked you about the gift you want, i am sure she did not want to offend you. Maybe she also felt frustrated or stressed out in some way. Hope you are both ok now.

[Stallyn]

Lyn,

I'm doing the best I can, and hopefully its enough for this time of year to keep in one piece :)How have you been lately?

Love,

William

[WendyJ]

Lyn thanks so much for the compliment, it means alot to me since I have been so down lately. Melissa for some reason has gotten worse since Steve has passed, she is my Sybil, like the movie. You never know which personality you are going to get and she was such a sweet caring kid. She at times becomes down right nasty and I have had enough. Can't live with her, can't live without her ! We shall see, she is a very naive 22 year old that acts more like a 16 yr old, knows it all and does what she wants and you can't tell her anything. She just constantly adds to my stress everyday. If I am feeling down she can put me right over the edge. I have to stop text messaging with her as that is when it starts and then I have to shut off my phone as she just won't let it go ! Tonight when she gets home we are supposed to be putting up the tree and I don't want to, this is horrible !

Wendy

[karenb]

Wendy,

I'm so sorry your daughter is giving you a bad time. I'm sure you're understanding about her pain, maybe this is how she is expressing it. The thing is, even though we're hurting, we do need to be polite and kind to each other and it doesn't sound like she knows that. Has she ever had any counseling? My grandaughter is 22 and she has a mind of her own, but she is very kind and an extremely busy young woman. Does you daughter have things she does that she enjoys. She sounds like she is very unhappy and taking it out on you. I am sorry. Try to keep it light and easy tonight.

Love you...Karen

[Stallyn]

Wendy,

Karen has the good idea, maybe she needs some counseling to help her cope other than take it out on you, its OK, if you do not want to put up the tree, string some lights and relax.

Love,

William

[Corinne]

Wendy,

How did last night go? I have problems with my youngest also. She gets so angry. I took both of the girls to my therapist to do a collage and she thinks from Kayla's actions that she is competing with her sister and that is when she gets angry. Good old sibling rivalry! I was happy to hear that is why she is so angry, not because of her Dad, but I still have to deal with it.

It was really bothering me about Kayla's anger because she is so sensative and has a huge heart so the anger really had me worried. The therapist suggested putting them in different activities so that each of them can excel at something different, which of course means more running around in different directions, but I will survive it if it helps. Maybe your daughter does need to see a doctor to see why she is having these mood swings.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

P.S.

Did you take your meds? William did you take your meds?

[WendyJ]

Hey guys thanks for all the well wishes and ideas. No this has nothing to do with her father, although she is pushing her limits with me more now that her Dad is not here. She is coping much better than I am actually. This kid works full time and a couple hrs fri sat and sunday night at a part time job. She then goes to Karate 3 nights a week as she is going for her black belt. The rest of the time she is on the phone with her boyfriend with her bluetooth. And I mean the rest of the time even while they are sleeping ! She comes out in the morning and she is talking, walks in the door from work and she is talking, at the dinner table she is talking etc. I can't have a conversation with her without her being on the phone and have to ask her to hang up. She was this way with her other boyfriend too. This mostly happens with the bad arguements like once or twice a month and usually with text messaging which I am going to stop from now on when things get heated and honestly I think she is just plain overtired half the time, but try to tell a 22 yr old that. Things get so heated that I have to turn off my phone as she starts to get nasty and turns things around so that it seems that I am the bad one. When she gets a boyfriend they are her whole world first...makes them priority ! Drives me nuts !

Wendy

[lyn]

Thanks for asking William,i am ok..i hope so. the bad days are getting rare. maybe, i get too tired from work that when i arrived home, i fell asleep immediately. i feel numb lately..couldnt feel any pain, any joy..it is ok for me, helps me cope with the coming holidays. but knowing this crazy roller coaster ride, i dread the days that it will come again.

Wendy..yes, your daughter's time with the phone is really crazy. Maybe you should tell her that it bothers you, and would really love to spend some uninterrupted time with her. Maybe she is not somehow aware of her actions..just a thought.

Have a goodnight rest everyone.

[Stallyn]

Glad to hear from you Lyn, same here, numb and more numb, what way is forward? Sleep is a great rememedy for depression and balancing your mind sort of speak, when I get depressed I wake up at 1-2 pm. so unpredictable. Do you have a support to go to locally?

Love,

William