Anger/sadness/tears

[WendyH]

Sometimes I just can't get a grip on my feelings! They seem to flip flop from anger to sadness. I feel like at times I have no patience at all...everything seems so damn hard...and EVERYTHING gets on my nerves...ya know that very last nerve...it gets plucked! Then I lash out...unfortunately it ends up being towards the ones I love the most...my husband and my son! I can usually realize my anger with my two year old and curb it, but with my husband it's different. I sometimes realize it...realize that I must be impossible to deal with, but I can't let go of whatever is angering me at that moment!? Then he may make a comment like..."here we go again" or if I try and apologize he might say, "yeah, well, I'm getting use to it"...or "what else is new." And then I get more pissed off...but I'm not sure if it's at him or me!? I'm pretty sure that this anger that I have, must be revolving around the death of my second son...and it's just coming out sideways...? People have told me that anger is a stage of the grief process, and I keep saying that, "I'm not angry...I'm just heartbroken, that I've never know such sadness in my entire life"...but maybe I am angry? However, the anger can turn to profound sadness and tears on a dime! I get so frustrated! I'm trying to get through this process, and I'm trying NOT to judge myself and put timeframes on it...(it will be 11 weeks this Wednesday that my son Gabriel died) however, I want so much to "feel better!" I want to feel some joy again...I want to enjoy my two year old son, and not take him for granted...appreciate every moment I have with him...than I start to feel guilty about that...that I'm not doing that right either...God forbid anything happen to him too...I think I would surely die!

WendyH

[bobsgal]

Hi Wendy,

Just a quick note to let you know that you are not alone out there. There are many others who are reading your words and saying, boy is she strong or what. To be able to write her feelings and even make the statement...

"I get so frustrated! I'm trying to get through this process, and I'm trying NOT to judge myself and put timeframes on it...(it will be 11 weeks this Wednesday that my son Gabriel died) however, I want so much to "feel better!" I want to feel some joy again...I want to enjoy my two year old son, and not take him for granted...appreciate every moment I have with him...than I start to feel guilty about that...that I'm not doing that right either...God forbid anything happen to him too...I think I would surely die!"

I know that it is hard to hear, but just take one moment at a time, breathe quietly when you can, rant and rage when you need to. You will feel joy again, and guilt at the joy, and then go from the pits of sadness to the heights of joy. This road is not a straight course through grief, it is a winding path, with many hills and valleys, at times you are standing on the edge of the cliff and when you step off there is the unexpected ledge to keep you from falling. Talk about Gabriel, and his brother Samson... talk about your feelings and loss, keep telling your story, and eventually you will come across someone who is where you are right now, and you will know instinctively that they need to get it out. You will be there with your hand held out, and feel the healing that has already taken place. You are not alone in this Wendy, although it seems like it at times. You are being thought of with much tenderness tonight, take care,

Love and Blessings,

bobsgal (Lynda)

[mermangel0416]

wendy~ sorry i am replying so late, but i was away. i cannot begin to imagine your suffering. you have experienced every mother's worst nightmare...my heart aches for you. i have a baby boy (15 months) and although my grief is different (my father died on june 9 after a long~suffering, dignity robbing battle with colon cancer) i know how you feel in terms of not wanting to take your child for granted, in wanting to feel joy again. but it is still so soon, and you have suffered an indescribable loss, you have had a life stolen from you, all the years of promise that you dreamt of...you really need to give yourself some time, and a break. you are being very hard on yourself. and those around you must understand that there is no time frame for grief. i am sure that on some level you must be angry, i am p*d as all hell that my dad is gone, but he lived 72 happy years on this earth. if it was my child i'd be screaming at strangers! hopefully you and your husband are working through things TOGETHER. the death of a child can be very straining on a marriage, be sure to keep the lines of communication open. and no matter how many times you need to say "i'm sorry" SAY IT, it's better than both of you pretending that this is "normal"...everything has changed for you, don't expect to be "yourself" just yet and don't let anyone else demand it of you...this will take time, and we're all in it together...alice

[AllyNoble]

Thank you for allowing me to share this .. mine has only been 10 days but I can relate to what you are saying .. everything is still so surreal for me .. like he will walk in the door any moment

[WendyH]

Thank you for responding! I so appreciate the support!

Wendy

[sue_cone]

Hi Wendy. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think there is anyone who feels the pain of a loss of a child like a mother does. Men are trained to be tough and hide their feelings. I think it is important that you talk, even if you tell your story a million times. It's how many women deal with their problems. It works. I hope this website helps you. I am here to also look for some support. I witnessed a death of a child last week. I can't stop thinking of that little girl. I lash out just like you do. I got in two arguments (one where I wanted to fight). I have so much anger and then moments later I can't stop crying. It seems like the people that are closest to me don't want to talk. They think it's not normal for me to be so upset and want me to forget and move on. I can't. I worry about my kids and when I see my little girl smile it brings tears to my eyes. I think we have to live life to the fullest, tell everyone we love that we love them, that way we have no regrets. I know God has a plan for your son and that little girl. I like to think that we are part of that plan. Even though I can't figure it out right now, I know there is an answer.

[AllyNoble]

this is going to sound really crazy but ..

how do you know when you are doing this right?

i almost feel like i am in limbo .. cant even make myself think of my son .. its wierd ..

people say the strangest things .. im not angry .. i cry occassionally

its not even like i am living i kind of do things by rote

[bobsgal]

Dear Ally,

You ask...

how do you know when you are doing this right?

i almost feel like i am in limbo .. cant even make myself think of my son .. its wierd ..

people say the strangest things .. im not angry .. i cry occassionally

its not even like i am living i kind of do things by rote

There are no hard and fast rules for grieving. Your body and mind will do what it needs to do to protect you from the pain of the loss. And if limbo is the rule for the day, then so be it. I would not worry, unless you find that you cannot seem to move past this phase eventually (could be sign of more serious form of depression needing treatment). I would think that recognizing that you are using this coping mechanisim is a good sign that you're ok. When you feel ready, I would love to hear more of your son if you would like to share.

Love and Blessings,

Lynda(bobsgal)

[AllyNoble]

This was a poem written by my sons friend.. I am amazed at how many people he touched in such a short life.. the amazing things people have told me - I knew he was a special person .. grr i cant get used to using past tense about him .. (its almost like i expect him to walk in the door) .. even some older guys from the bowls club have given me extraordinary stories about how wonderful and helpful he always was ..

Last Words

Why do some journeys start?

Why do some journeys have to end?

You weren't just my brother,

you were my best friend.

My last words to you,

were the same as yours back to me,

and I just can't help wondering,

if some things are meant to be.

I can't describe the pain,

the pain I feel deep inside,

I've tried to see your pain and suffering,

and daniel, how I've tried.

Your mum lived and breathed for you,

and you had a very special bond,

but she can't help feeling hurt,

she just can't help feeling wronged.

I remember the time when you helped me thru this pain

and you said if this happend to you id be okay,

and maybe you knew me well,

but daniel this time im going thru hell.

You didn't know the value of your life,

maybe you do now, now that you've gone,

out of you a warmth radiated,

out of you, your love brightly shone.

And now all we have left,

are your memories, the old times we use to drink together,

and that heart sinking feeling that you get,

when you realize that there's no turning back.

And amy has missed you,

I believe you will always regret the last night you had,

but clocks, they only go the one way,

and the only feeling left is pain.

You are now free of your pain,

but not so for those that you've left behind,

we're left with the agony of loving you,

and at times that logic is hard to find.

You had so many wonderful qualities,

in fact, too many to individually list,

you were such a good, kind, loving person,

and you really are very deeply missed.

You'll be free from the suffering and the pain,

but each day knowing that your gone gives me so much pain,

because your still here in spirit which isnt so bad,

no matter what anyone says you still remain the best friend

ive ever had.

And the message I'd like to pass on,

Daniel was my best friend. when a close person to me died

Daniel hugged me n told me that he knew i was strong, much

stronger than he was and that id get thru it and he told me if the

same thing ever happend to him he knows id get through it!!

daniel knew me really well but obviously not well enough to know

that im still not handling his death!

I will always love you daniel!!!

R.I.P DanieL CharleS NoBLe!

By Lisa Miller!!