Recent Loss

[sammielee]

Hi cindi,

so how was your Christmas.. Mine was very nice. I kept busy with lots of family activities so that helped a lot.. But I did feel the loss of Bill very much that day.. Sometimes I just cant believe this and think he will just walk thru that door again and be very healthy..If I let myself I could sink into a big depression.. Ihave to shut off my thoughts before I go there. and yes I noticed so many people are dying all of a sudden or did I just not notice before..??? And I can feel their pain well... Everyone who loves someone will have to go thru this sooner or later..it is just too bad you and I had to go thru it so soon and our husbands being so young.. Yes we will make it with all of the support we have, but the ache will never ever leave my heart.. till I can join my husband in heaven... you take care and have a good new year.. my son and I are going to go to the zoolights tommorrow night.. I have never been and it will be nice.. Bill loved the zoo..I was with him the last time I was there when he was first diagnosed with cancer.. so it will be bittersweet for me but at least my son will be with me and that helps me so much. Tons of hugs for you Jana

[tokenyankee]

I'm so glad you had a good Christmas, Jana. I got through it. It was good, but I had that empty spot the whole time. It was actually harder the day after when everything was over and I didn't have anything to keep me busy and it seemed so lonely.

The hardest right now seems to be when out of the blue, I get all panicked and realize that Vic really is gone and I really am single and alone. I keep taking one day at a time. I know the hardest holidays are over with now, so that is a relief, but I also know our anniversary day will be hard. It would have been 10 years in May(2nd marriage for us both)and I was really looking forward to that. At least it is a few months away, though, but I know it will bother me a lot when it gets here.

I'm trying to start focusing on doing things around the house more now that Christmas is over. I have some painting to do, so I hope to get busy with that this week and keep myself busy. I hope your New Year will be good and that each day will get a little easier than the day before. I'm so glad we have God on our side!

Hugs,

cindi

[skyhigh_58]

Hello. I am Cari and I lost my husband Steve just December 17, 2003 in a train-car accident. I am so lost and feel so alone. He died instantly of massive head injuries and there was a closed casket so I wasn't even able to say good-bye. We were married 9 years. He had just turned 45 on the 12th of December and I am 43. Please help me for my heart aches so.......

[tokenyankee]

Hello, Skyhigh,

I'm sending you a private email and hope it might help. Please keep in touch. We are here to help you get through it.

Cindi

[Michele]

I am new to this forum and was not aware it was available until I received my last Hospice newsletter.

My husband was dianosed with pancreatic cancer on 12/10/2002 and passed away 2/18/03, he was 59. We had been married almost 11 months, however had been together 7 wonderful years. (Second marriage for both of us.) We have 5 children between us, he has 4, I have one and the are all awesome. Four are grown and married, one is in college and lives with her mom.

The last 10 mondths and 2 weeks have taught me a lot about myself as well as others. It's very difficult, however counseling has helped as well as family and friends. I still expect Rich to walk through the door or come out of the bedroom wearing his old blue robe.

Two people I know lost their spouses in December, both very unexpected. They have asked for advice and all I can tell them is to take one day at a time, your grief is your own and don't let anyone rush you through it. The ache will always be there.

Thank you for letting me ramble. I only wish I had found this site sooner. I have read the previous posts and they have helped immensely. Thank you all for being there and sharing.

Michele

[tokenyankee]

Yes, this is a wonderful forum. It's good to be able to share with others who understand.

Cindi

[FragileGirl]

Hello - this is so difficult. My husband, of almost three years, died in my arms at 2:30 AM on December 20, 2003. It was quite unexpected and a result of a blood clot that traveled to his heart. He had been recovering from a minor surgery that had taken place just four days earlier.

I am a private person, in most cases, but I feel that I need to hear from others who have been through this heartbreak. My marriage was magical. My husband was my best friend. I'm so lost.

Lissa

[FragileGirl]

Skyhigh,

I sent you a private email. I hope to hear from you and others. I'm lost.

Lissa

[sammielee]

Hi MIchele'

Yes this forum really helps me realize I am not alone.. My husband died in Aug from liver cancer he had cancer for three years and what a battle that was ..he went into remission for nine months and we so hoped it would be permanant but it was not.. we took that time to grieve be thankful and all the other emotions.. But it was not to be and th ecancer came back with sort of a vengence. It was my second marriage and he was the love of my life and he was 59. I too keep thinking he will just walk in the house and be all well again.. My faith and trust in God is the only thing that has kept me going having him walk along this path with me... I will be praying for you...

Jana

[sammielee]

Hi Cindi,

Do you have children that live near you?? That helps a lot also.. I have two sons.. But yes it is a loss we will feel till we join them in heaven.. I just hope this year will be lots better and happier for us as last year was my hardest ever.. Please keep in touch...

Hugs and prayers for you.Jana

[tokenyankee]

I'm glad to see others joining in. Always know that there are others who are going through the same things.

Jana, I do have a son that lives about 30 miles from here. He calls often to check on me and we see each other frequently. It does help a lot.

I have been trying to put our story down in writing. The other night I started writing some more but it all came back so vividly that I had to stop. I ended up having a nightmare that night and dreamed that I was getting the same protruding tumors like Vic had and that I was arguing with my mother that I didn't want any treatments because I knew I would die regardless. When I woke up it was just so real that I didn't sleep well the rest of the night and most of the next day I couldn't concentrate very well because I felt so shaken.

It's hard dealing with the intense emotions. And then on top of that, estates have to be settled and there is so much that is always being thrown in your face to remind you. Somedays it just seems like it's not fair for the rest of the world to just go on like nothing happened, but that is how life is.

I have fixed up a little corner in my living room with a table with some of Vic's favorite things on and hung a picture of us along with his favorite hat. That might be a good idea of others here to do. With moving some of Vic's things, I started feeling like I was "erasing" him from my life, but by making an area like that, it made me feel so much better. I highly recommend doing that. It is good therapy for me.

There will always be so many tough times for all of us. I'm thankful, though, that I have those tough time because that just proves to me how much I loved Vic and how well we got along, and for that I am very grateful.

Try to look for the blessings and feel free to share them here with all of us. We owe it to them to keep their memories alive. As long as we do that, a part of them will live on through us.

Hugs,

Cindi

[bobsgal]

Lissa wrote:

I am a private person, in most cases, but I feel that I need to hear from others who have been through this heartbreak. My marriage was magical. My husband was my best friend. I'm so lost.

Lissa

Lissa, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with the loss of your other half. I so understand what you spoke of. I am Lynda, and I lost the other half of myself quite suddenly and unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. I am now 8 years along this road of grief, still missing Bob but am at a peaceful place in time with my life. I read and respond to this board trying to give back some of what was given me when I finally got online almost 2 years after Bob died. This is some of the hardest work you will ever do, and many/most times you do not think you will survive it, but somehow you do. I stayed in a fog almost the whole first year. My brain would kind of come to, and for a moment or so, I would be ok, then the pain would close in and I would go down into that blissful fog.

One of the things that helped me the most, was telling my story, talking to others that understood where I was, how I was feeling. I hope that you will share more of your love with us. Don't try to use others for a yardstick to measure your progress in grieving. We each suffer a loss, but how we deal with that is totally individual. We go through many of the same stages, but at different times, different levels. None of us is doing it by the book, there is no instruction manual.

Keep reaching out, you are being heard out there. I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in.

Love and Blessings,

Lynda(bobsgal)

Our Story

[FragileGirl]

Lynda, thank you for writing to me. Thank you for reaching out. I've found a live chat-room that I'm telling as many about as I can. Someone told me about it.

It's http://healingafterloss.org

They have many rooms, but I've only been to one - the main room. There are so many who have experienced a loss, and they are so loving. It's private and it's safe, and it's free.

The registering thing was wierd for me, but everything is strange right now. It has been great to be able to talk to people in real-time. To have someone tell me they are sorry, to have someone send me a hug.

At first I felt out of place, because so many had experienced their loss some time ago. But they do help, because they do know. There is a schedule for hosted rooms, too. I've not done that yet. But they have rooms for widows, or people who have lost children - just about what ever one might imagine.

I'm hoping to find you and a few others in the chat room sometime, soon. You reached out to me first and I feel a connection.

I'm trying to figure this all out. I'm trying not to go crazy. I'm trying to deal with loniliness. I miss my sweet husband more each moment. The pain grows - my heartache swells, and I want him back.

Trying to cope,

Lissa

[sammielee]

Hi Cindi I just sent you a message but dont know where it went.. I dont see it online... Hugs jana

[soul mate left behind]

Lissa

I know exactly what you mean when you say "the pain grows-my heartache swells, and I want him back". It's been 119 days since I lost my soul mate and still feel like it was yesterday. My days are still dark and my heart is still bursting the pain. There have even been days when I wished that I was with him instead of without him. I have been going from able to make it through a day to only make it minute by minute. The fluctuation is so hard. I have visited the site you said there are live chats but I just can seem to make it through the registration process. My story is here at this site but I was such a mess the day I posted it ......I think I may have posted in the wrong place. I come here alot and read what other people have to say, I guess it helps me to see that Im not the only one even though I feel like I am and to get strength from others. I have been told that things get better, Im not sure when that is though. Lynda (bobsgal)sent me a wonderful note and I printed to read whenever I need to, for some reason she has givin me great strength. Maybe I will see you in a chat soon.

Soulmate left behind

[bobsgal]

Dear Soul mate left behind and Lissa,

My heart goes out to each of you. You are both trying so hard to make sense of a senseless situation right now. It is just the way of grief. As human beings we try to be logical and ordered. We desperately try to reason our way to some sort of peace with our situation, but death takes away all reason and order, and we just feel the void. It is as if the air they occupied no longer contains oxygen, but is just empty space. These are all normal feelings of grieving, and like you said SMLB, at times you can only make it moment by moment. But that is ok. Three moments from now, you may make it 1 hour, or 7, or even one day. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and before long you have made another day.

You are each such a wonderful source of support for the other, begin by writing to this board, keep telling your story until you don't think you can tell it again. Reach out to anyone who will listen, and you will find yourself supporting someone else when you never thought you could stand, let alone lift someone to their feet. Healing will come to your heart, the wound will be covered by a loose bandage that will pick and pull occasionally, but for the most part the pain will be contained. I have told you both, I did not start healing myself until I started reaching out to others. Telling and retelling our story, my loss, our love and life together brought healing to my heart, but even more than that, it embedded Bob so deep within me that I will never lose him, or the memories of our love. I know that each of you will get there in time, but give it time. It does not happen overnight. Even though its been 8 years for me, my thoughts on Jan. 1 were not the prettiest of thoughts, missing my other half, and getting tired of the "all is well" face that I put on for friends and family as we move through the holidays. But the thing is, on Jan 2, I looked back at the holidays with love and thoughts that Bob would be so proud of me, his family and all that we have done since his passing. I can feel his love surround me even when I am at my lowest. You will both get there also.

Lissa, I am familiar with healing after loss. I knew Judy Drivers, the person that started that organization when I first came online through AOL. It is a wonderful area if you like live chat. I am not one that was ever really comfortable with that, and only chatted a few times. I still belong to an email group off the WidowNet group. The email group I belong to is called WidowHoods for those that are beyond that first painful area of this grief dance, and are wrestling with things like moving forward, dating, not dating, paying bills, etc. They also have an email group for widow/ers just beginning this process. There are message boards like this one, with all areas being covered. If neither of you have checked out widow.net here is the address : WidowNet You will find much support there also.

Start a new topic here and tell everyone about your love, and how you lost him, and what it is doing to you inside. Let it out, and you will find that the edges of pain will begin to smooth a little. And when you respond to someone to give them that support that, yes, you know what they are saying because you have been there also, you will find that your pain will lessen slightly.

I am sending you both warm hugs to wrap yourselves in tonight. Take comfort in the thought that you are not out there alone. There are many of us here that are reading your thoughts and holding you in prayers that you find some peace.

Love and Blessings to you both,

Lynda (bobsgal)

[tokenyankee]

I'm still out here. I'm doing pretty good. I still see things or think of things that start to upset me, but for the most part, things are good. It's gonna be a long time getting things settled, but every day gets one day closer. God has been good.

[sammielee]

Do any of you go to any grief classes.. if so where and when are they.. ??? I have been thinking of going... thanks much.Jana

[tokenyankee]

Jana,

I am doing the online email course through this website, but I haven't gone to any actual meetings. I'm just one who doesn't feel comfortable in the meetings and the email lessons have helped me a lot. But I know of those who do go to meetings and it does make a big difference for them. Maybe check your local newspaper or call Hospice for information about meetings in your area.

Hugs,

cindi

[MartyT]

How To Find Grief Support in Your Own Community

Jana is absolutely right – support groups are not for everyone, but if that is what you’re looking for, I wanted to be sure you (and others who will be reading this) have the following information:

The on-line e-mail courses to which Jana is referring are described on the “Articles and Books” page of my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/columnsbooks.htm . (Once there, scroll down the page until you come to “E-mail Courses by Marty Tousley.”)

To learn what support groups are offered by Hospice of the Valley here in Phoenix, AZ, just go to the top of this Grief Healing Discussion Groups page and click on Calendar – or you can call the Hospice of the Valley Bereavement Office, at 602-530-6970 or -6971.

For those who live outside the Valley or outside Arizona, here are some other options:

Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.

Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices provide individual and family grief support to clients for up to one year following a death, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost. See http://nhpco.org/custom/directory/main.cfm to search for programs and resources in your geographic area.

If you are mourning the death of a child, check the national office of the Compassionate Friends, at http://www.compassionatefriends.org to see if there is a support group near you.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[tokenyankee]

I've had a pretty good week this week. My son and I went out last weekend and I bought a new car. It was the car Vic and I always talked about buying next. I had a couple of days where I had a hard time thinking about it and felt so bad that he wasn't there with me enjoying it.

The issues get a little easier to deal with, but they are still there. I try to give myself time to work them out. I sorted through a lot of old cards he has given me over the years. There were some his kids had given him, so I am saving those to give to them to keep. The more I face that kind of thing, the easier it gets. I just don't push myself to do more than I feel I can handle. Maybe that is the secret...

I still miss him terribly at times, but I have started dating some again. That is a huge step for me. I continue to take things one day at a time. I think it will be that way for a long time to come.