Am I Taking This The Wrong Way?~opinions?

[Louise]

Hi guys,

I want to share something with you and get your opinion on it.

I came across this article and really feel like this women is mocking people that are grieving hard for their loss love ones.Now I know that I can be a little sensitive since i lost my daughter,but this is really bad.I am going to give you the link to her article,then i will post what i e-mailed her.I want to know what you guys think? Love,Louise

http://www.torontosun.com/News/Columnists/...5646761-sun.php

Here is my e-mail to her and if you feel like I do write her and tell her this is unacceptable

Well now I have heard everything.Mocking people that are grieving?You obviously have never grieved hard for someone close and you know what?

I hope you never do because it is so hard and life changing .Here is something another grieving mom and I wrote about 6 months after our beloved children died.The reason it sounds angry is because we had just lost our children 6 months ago and some well meaning people told us to get over it.My daughter was 23 my friends son was 22

and we were told to get over it in 6 months!!!!!

I hope you read this with an open mind and really try to put yourself in the position of a grieving parent

It might gain you some much needed insight.

Thank you

Louise

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world, that your beloved child died.. let me explain to you the reality...try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.. never hearing them say "I love you"...nothing - just silence, emptiness.. now imagine never seeing your child's smile, never seeing her upset or happy, never watching her sleep...missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7, you smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at her pictures and can only cry - what happened, why!?.. you have never felt longing like this in your life! longing to hear her voice, to see her face again,...and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix it. now imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. every thing you loved now hurts like heck...

For example: music, i used to love music, it gave me pleasure, i didn't realize how much music was a part of my life and how it is everywhere, now I cannot listen to it, it sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open.. like the old song, the day the music died, that's me, and believe it or not, almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child, i am not unique in that pain - if you lost a child you would know. .that is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example! you feel the loss with every thought, every emotion, The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life. even with your other children, you still love your other children just as much as always, but as hard as it is, even they hurt you now, because when you see them you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died not being with their siblings. it doesn't fit, there is a piece missing, your whole life doesn't fit anymore. everything that felt right, now feels wrong. and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control missing...

as good parents we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, cannot make it better. so on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helpless..out of control and hopeless...and this is universal, every parent that truly their child will feel this. are you starting to imagine now how it feels? and you are doing this exercise for 10 minutes, imagine, really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 - day after day, month after month, and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to, a tape of your child plays over and over in your mind. your child when she was a baby, a laughing happy little girl, a cute young teen, a wonderful young man or women and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child's life...but that is a fear you have, that as time passes you will start to forget...so now, add FEAR to the list of emotions. this is what it really feels like. a part of you has died, don't just read the words, FEEL them - died, gone forever... a real, beautiful, living part of you has died... and you are still living, left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!!

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as heck.. that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss, with other losses you grieve and you are of course sad, but when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist, gone just like that, gone no warning, just gone. And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are - are Gone!!!That is why when parents who have lost children hear "I want the old you back", "it's been a year (a month, 6 month-whatever), don't you feel better yet?" "You are doing this to yourself, you're making it harder on yourself", "grief can become a selfish thing you know", we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive. No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on. So were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain, i would not wish it any anyone, but did you get a sense of how life-changing it is?

imagine you feel this 24/7, not even getting a moments relief from it! now go on and put on your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music..go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch her smile, smell the scent that you know is them and do not tell me how I should feel or that i am holding onto this, or that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven't lost a beloved child of yours, you haven't got a clue. Now when you hear these words "the presence of his absence is everywhere", will you finally understand?

written by Louise and Diana

[AnnieO]

I am so shocked by what this woman has written. I went back and read it over a few times, thinking that possibly I was misunderstanding it...I dont think you are taking it the wrong way. I think its horrible and so insulting to anyone that has ever lost a loved one. If I can calm down enough, I would like to send her an email and tell her what I think of her article.

I lost both my parents within 10 months of eachother...and I will never "get over it".

[leeann]

Oh (((((Louise)))))

You GO girl!

The author of that article was waaay out of line, IMHO. I can't believe they even published that article!

Your letter?? Beautiful response.

I'll comment more.. but I must admit I'm a bit 'hot' over that article right now. So I'm gonna come back here when I'm more calmed down.

But in a nut shell?? I agree with you wholeheartedly.

leeann

[leeann]

Louise

That's the only thing I can think of... this author must never have experienced a 'significant loss'. Or if she has lost someone close, and this is awful to even contemplate, perhaps she never fully ventured into that relationship with her whole self.. heart wide open.. loving freely and accepting love freely.

Perhaps she simply has never fully 'loved' another.

And I can't imagine what she thinks of herself... or of life itself.

I can't understand her thinking at all. She would prefer to go back to the 'dark ages' of the darkness of grief? This literally doesn't make sense to me.

I'm glad it is somewhat more acceptable today to express grief. I am happy there is a groundswelling of opinion that one simply can't "get over it". I am relieved there are some efforts in some communities to help the bereaved. (I wish there were more communities offering some help.. but at least some exist.)

I don't know how one can have a full appreciation for life when one virtually ignores death and the pain of loss.

I feel sorry for this author.

leeann

[KathyG]

"Life goes on. Get over it." Oh, really?

So this author finds public grief "offensive and creepy"? Chastising mourners and calling their sincere expressions of grief "performances" is what's really offensive, IMHO.

I can't imagine what would lead this woman to write such mean-spirited drivel, unless she is accustomed to receiving harsh, compassionless criticism from the people in her life. If that's the case, I feel sorry for her. But if I can respect her dislike for communal mourning, then she can darn well respect our right to express our grief for our late loved ones as openly and for as long as we need to!

A healthy society is not one that operates on the premise, "Keep your problems to yourself" or that, once someone dies, acts as if he or she never existed. If we don't care about what happens to those around us, then we can't expect them to care when adversity comes our way.

I wonder if anyone will care or remember when the author of that column experiences a tragedy or passes on.

[Louise]

Thank you all so much for your opinions and input.

There were a couple of printed responses in the newspaper.

Read this

Once you click on the link you have to scroll down a little and there are a couple of responses that were printed.

Connie Woodcock and her editor make me sick!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.torontosun.com/Comment/Letters/...27/5676241.html

[shauna marie]

I am commenting solely on the article, haven't read any of the replies.

I agree with the article writer though, grief should be kept private.

I look at it this way. I would not have wanted oodles of strangers prancing through my mother's bedroom, the place where she died. She was not an object, her death was not an occasion for the front page of the newspaper. I would not have wanted children at her wake, funeral, or burial place.

I would not have wanted oodles of people who never lost a parent to try to comfort me.

Basically, I wanted people who knew me or my family there and that was that. I wouldn't want my grief to be publicly put on display. If the person who lost the person wanted to speak out, that's different. But to have the media and complete strangers jump on it???

Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing and I mean nothing wrong with actually placing things at these sites. Just the idea that most of these people are complete strangers always gets to me. You could always send a nice card, send a donation to the a charity, etc, but you don't have to make yourself part of the grieving.

[leeann]

Shauna,

Of course you wouldn't have wanted complete strangers coming through the room you Mom died in.

The deaths in this article and the deaths that usually prompt the type of memorials described in the article happened under much different circumstances. These young people weren't surrounded by their loved ones in a nice quiet environment when they passed. They weren't suffering from a long term illness. They passed under MUCH different conditions than your Mom.

I'm sure the families of these people did the ritual wakes or shivas and had their closer loved ones and friends about.

But.. with young people..things can be very different. What about the kid whose locker happened to be next to one of the kids' who perished? Maybe they weren't close friends.. but they spoke probably and saw each other everyday. When you are 16 or 17 and the next day you go to your locker & that person is gone.. ?? No time to think about perhaps them not being here anymore. No time to think that they might get better. No time.... period. Just.. they are instantly.. gone.

That student is going to experience the loss. And they are going to need to express the feelings that go along with that.

Actually the kids who passed in the accident..were healthy and happy one second and the next.. they were dead... in a car.. With no loved ones around.

An ambulance was called. Cops arrived.(and probably instantly knew there were some more parents they would now have to notify with the most awful news.)

EMT's glance at the wreck while grabbing equipment.. trying to ascertain as quickly as possible what if anything they can do to try to preserve the life. Then they went to work & tried their best. To no avail.

These young people died.. just like that.

They were young. They will be forever young.

Their peers have probably never experienced a significant loss let alone thought much about their own mortality. All of these feelings have descended upon them in a flash. That's ALOT for adults to handle.. let alone young people.

These peers need to gather somewhere.. and feel the feelings and express them too... and remember. That grief can't be private for them.. they feel it together and want to express it together. And that is a good a spot as any probably at that point. They need their friends not to be forgotten and these roadside memorials are one way to do that. It is a healthy expression, in my opinion.

They also serve as a warning & wake up call to others.. 'life can change and end.. in an instant... so drive carefully, because someone loves you.'

Frequently, unfortunately, I drive by a roadside memorial. Three crosses.. and ya know... everytime I pass that.. I pray for the family of those that were lost. It is a reminder to me that there is someone out there that has lost and will always miss, someone forever young. It also reminds me that I am blessed to have my young ones here still. And yeah it reminds me I should maybe bite my tongue when I'd rather yell; to be more patient. It reminds me to hug them a little tighter... cause ya never know. It reminds me that 'but for the Grace of God go I.'

In my experience.. these spontaneous roadside memorials are frequented and visited by the peers of those that have been killed. And also by those who are trying to support those peers, not complete strangers. For most of these peers there is no place else to go. But they do indeed need to gather and be with each other then.. very much so.

They serve a good & healthy purpose in my opinion if the site can be visited safely that is.

(A local police dept here actually arranged for a safer spot for the peers to gather and set their memorials. Even they understood the need.)

If roadside memorials or "My Space" memorial pages bother people.. I would say to them..

'Well, don't look at them then.'

But for me... it's a reminder of how very precious life is and how grateful I am to be very blessed with the life I have.

Just my 2 cents.

leeann

PS As for the few strangers that do come.. they must have some need to be there. I don't think a public memorial is something that they should avoid if they have a need to stop at it. IMO, they aren't intruding. And in some way it may help them as well. And also, if nothing else.. strangers stopping by are in some way showing some support for those who are grieving. And.. is that a bad thing really?

[shauna marie]

leeann,

If it is someone who has business being there, that's a completely different story.

I'm talking about complete strangers who tend to make it all about themselves. You know who I'm talking about. The gawkers, etc. The people who stop and stare and just want to be a part of it.

My mother didn't die with family surrounding her and we didn't know she was going to die. I feared it and even tried to prepare myself for it, but didn't know it. And it peeved me to no end the people who tried to comfort me and put their nose in my business when they had absolutely no business doing so.

I didn't agree with the part that said about the "get over it" though. Some things, and a tragic accident such as thing, you just never do.

And maybe this is all completely out of context, I've been quite out of it the past couple of weeks so just maybe ignore me.

[leeann]

Shauna

No it isn't you and it isn't out of context. It is your experience that is all and my experience is different.

Unfortunately we have had quite a few young people pass in car wrecks near where I am. And honest to goodness.. there really weren't a whole bunch of strangers gathering at the roadside. Honest.. there were no "gawkers", as you say or folks trying to make it about themselves when they had no connection to anyone lost.

And I'm heart sorry you must have them where you are. That would turn anyone's stomach I think.

And you are right.. how could ANYone ever "get over" such a tragedy.

leeann

[Louise]

I just have to share this with you.

My friend and web-site partner put this up on our website about Connie Woodcock.

It is a really good article.Take a couple of minutes to read this and I hope Connie Woodcock reads this.

Love,Louise[keren's mom]

http://www.mychildlossgrief.org/index.php?...d=117&Itemid=65

[Whiteswan]

I was appalled when I read what that heartless b**ch wrote and I feel outraged that she is a fellow Canadian! (I am Canadian.) She needed to be royally told off and I am glad it was one of us on this site who did it!

[MariahC]

In my opinion it is not a good thing to have an uncaring society. Recently, a 14 year old was killed in the city where I live, in an unprovoked attack while out shopping. Friends from his school and the people that knew him left flowers, messages and mementos. Passers-by stopped and looked. In my opinion there's nothing wrong with this.

The last paragraph of this journalist's article is highly offensive. "Get over it". She has obviously never experienced a bereavement of a loved one. Also, I am disturbed by her comment that seeking professional help is a bad thing. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help from a counsellor or doctor, as often is does help considerably. This woman's opinions are dangerous.