Can't Quit Crying

[mlg]

I am in the anticipatory mode of the anniversary of the day we got Tom's diagnosis. I just can't quit thinking about it and crying. I almost think this is worse than thinking about his death.

When I took him to the hosp. I never in a million years thought we would get the news that he had pancreatic cancer. That's what's so terrible about this disease, it is masked as so many things. He had been so healthy and all of the sudden we are basically get a death sentence.

I just can't understand. I keep praying for God to make me understand but even as a nurse I still don't. He was the love of my life and now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I want him back so badly but then feel guilty that I would want to take him back from the wonderful life he has now. I feel so selfish, but I just want to hear his voice and feel his touch.

You'd think after 7 1/2 months it would be getting better but if anything it is getting worse. Fall is coming so quickly that I'm afraid we'll have a really bad winter and I'll be stuck all alone in this house with my thoughts. Sometimes I think, if it weren't for work I really think I'd be in a psych ward.

Enough of my rambling, I'd better get back to cleaning my house.

Mary Linda

[WendyJ]

Mary Linda,

I remember all too well how you are feeling right now as I went through it at the same time. It seems that the 6-9 month mark is one of the worst as the shock starts to wear down alittle and the realization kicks in that this is not a dream. I lost my most wonderful husband in March of 07 and about this time of year the reality of being alone and the fall and winter approaching was weighing heavy on my mind too, and of course there are the Holidays which we all know are the worst. Please don't assume after 7 1/2 months you should be doing better, you are doing fine. You are so right about being thankful for working, if I were home all day I think I would have gone crazy also. Please believe me that things will get better in time, it is not an easy road but it will improve and you will start to feel human again.

Love,

Wendy

P.S. Sadly I know too well about pancreatic cancer as that is what my boss and good friend Les died from, I will never forget him and his braveness through his whole ordeal.

[MikeC]

Mary Linda, this brings back memories of the day of Janet's diagnosis. She had been having abdominal bloating and discomfort. An attempt at a colonoscopy was unsuccessful because the doctor couldn't get the scope very far into the colon, so they scheduled exploratory surgery for the next day. The surgeon told us before the surgery that he didn't think it was cancer, but instead a "kink" in the colon. When he came to the waiting room after the surgery and told me that Janet had advanced ovarian cancer I was devastated. I went into the hospital chapel and sobbed. I still cry when I think about it, and it was more than 3 years ago.

I get very sad when I think about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Janet was the driving force in our household for Christmas. She decorated the house, wrote Christmas cards, baked Christmas cookies, got the most thoughtful gifts for everybody. As soon as Christmas was over she started shopping for next Christmas. I break down every time I think about how empty these holidays will be without her, not to mention her birthday, Mothers Day, our anniversary, and the list goes on.

I think you are doing well after only 7 1/2 months. That is not a very long time compared to the time you and Tom were together. Hang in there.

Mike

[leeann]

Oh (((((((mlg))))))) You go right ahead and cry. The first year.. through all of the special days IS hard. So I wouldn't expect you to be "fine" at 7.5 months. I have found there really is no more "fine" as I knew it. "Fine" is defined differently now.

However, the fact that you are able to express your grief is really a good thing. One of those things that I think feels absolutely awful but is progress nonetheless.

I'd be worried about you if you weren't crying!

I'm holding you close.

leeann

[liberty]

this is my sister in laws blog. She started it when my brother had his stroke. I feel so bad that I was not there for him but I was too busy taking my dad back and forth the the doctors and my mom back and forth to the hospital to see my dad.

My sister in law is a very good writer.

http://comesatyoufast.blogspot.com/

[123MUSIC]

Im still hurting......i cry everyday..I am 21 and still is hurting from my past...I was adopeted at a very young age...i never got a chance to meet or know my real family.... I am from the ruff sides of Baltimore city... Growing up i had alot of issues .... My adopted mother was really strick and abused us....She died when i was 16 leaving me to leave with my adopoted sister..living with my sister got worst...ive been threw alot more!!!!!!!!!I am a up coming singer/actress.....And what a hard job that is trying to make people like you.....im very taleted .....but my personality is off at time beacuse of my anger inside towards my self and people ......my past present and furture i cant stop thinking about ...i worrie alot!!!

and i just wish i can over come this anger and pain i have inside...because if i dont i fell as tho i am going to give up on life.................. i am miss understood... i am a very kind hearted but my attiude does not show it....What can i do to move on ????????

`TRINA

[kath]

Dear Trina,

You are a survivor. You have had to deal with a lot from a very early age and you have done that the best way you knew how. Now, it is time to for you to learn new skills, because what worked before isn't working now. Look at where you are going and what you want to be. You will get there, my dear, just as you made it this far. If you haven't talked to a professional counselor, now may be the time to seek their help and guidance. They can help you let go of the past. If we hold on to tight too what was, we will miss all that is to come. If,in all your years, no one was ever there to tell you that you are loved, start now, telling yourself. Good luck to you.

Your friend,

Kath

[Imadaddysgirl2]

My father has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It is a very, very wicked disease. I think that being a nurse just makes it so much harder. I anticipate his stages of dying so much more, I think, than the rest of the family. I also know that this is a very difficult time for any family. My father is not willing to talk about the cancer and wants to remain positive because he believes he will be around for another 10 years. He is extremely jaundiced, very thin, and has blood in his stool. There comes a time when I think that positive thinking can become magical thinking. I know he is not just battling this cancer but his acceptance of the cancer as well. I don't wish to rush him, and all of us are supporting him by not talking about it. I am not a professional in grief counseling, but I don't have anyone to cry to. I am very grateful for all of you who have been where I am now. I really don't know what to do, and I can't cry without talking to him on the phone. Any suggestions would be great. Thankyou.

[WendyJ]

Daddy's girl,

I have not lost a parent yet although my mother has been fighting lung cancer but I lost my husband to a blood clot that went to his heart and I lost a dear friend whom was one of the owners where I work to Pancreatic Cancer. You are right it is a horrible disease to not only go through but to witness also. The best advice I can give you is for you and your Dad and your whole family to open up to one another and to tell eachother how much you love one another and talk about all the wonderful memories you all have. Do not wait till it is too late as you will never get this time back and yes you are going to cry..alot but it needs to be done and things need to be said. Make each day special and memorable, take the time to maybe read to him or do a puzzle with him or just sitting and talking can be so special to him. You will know when the time is right to do all this, especially being a nurse. I am praying for you and your dad and your family...I do know what you are going through and I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Love Always,

Wendy

[leeann]

Daddy's Girl Welcome

Sorry you had to find us.. so very sorry. But I'm awfully glad you have.

I have lost both my parents. My Dad to cancer. We had 3 weeks from diagnosis to his death.

That's NOT a whole lotta time to prepare or anticipate. But.. I got through it... and you will too.

Hard?? Oh my... very hard. Neither of my parents spoke "out loud" about the "end" yet I knew both of them knew... within days of diagnosis... that it was gonna be very soon for him. He had alot of other health problems and I knew his body wouldn't be able to tolerate chemo. They knew it too I think... But ya know?? It didn't matter.

I became all about helping my Dad die and helping my, Mom lose her husband of 52 years. And I became all about helping my kids lose their Grandfather. The day of diagnosis I came home and told our kids what he had. I explained, on their individual age levels, what would probably happen and that it wouldn't be long. Also I told them I would keep them up to date and let them know what I knew as soon as I knew it. And I did do that. It helped them prepare.

My stuff? Nope.. I pushed it back while I was with my folks or my kids. I cried in the shower.. and when I was driving back & forth from my house to my folk's home.... and after everyone went to sleep in my house. My husband was as supportive as one could be. He allowed me to be.. just what I was in any moment. He was encouraging me to do whatever I felt I needed to and he picked up at home when I couldn't be there and had to be with my folks.. for like Doc appt's or at the hospital.

Other than that??? Nope... I turned my attention to my parents & my kids alone. It became helping Dad die. I told him point blank and out loud the day he was diagnosed; "Whatever you want to do Dad.. I'll support you and do whatever I can to help you. But how things go from here on out is totally up to you and I'm just here to help ya." He just nodded. But by telling him that, I was letting him know he DID indeed have SOME control over an uncontrollable situation. And I kept that up through each and every stage he went through. He spent 2 of those 3 weeks in the hospital with C-Diff. I went down everyday to see him. Brought him goodies he could tolerate and tried to help Mom by bringing some food for herself so she wouldn't have to cook after spending all day in the hospital.

(I was BUSY. But.. I'd do it all again...) While he was there.. I tried to give him control over everything... "Dad do you want the bedside tray here or... here?" "Is the tissue box where you want it?" "Do you want to watch TV?" "How about some soup from home??? What do you want me to make you?" ETC>>>>> I tried to present him with any decisions that he COULD make. I offered loads of choices over.. literally "small" stuff. But ya know, I think it empowered him a bit.

Like 'This is your death Dad.. how do you want it to go?' ...without actually saying so. Ya know?

Upon dishcharge from the hospital I asked:

"What do you want to do now Dad?" Do you want the chemo??"

He said he did want to try it and I said ok ... go ahead and make the appointments and I'll be there to take you and Mom. Doesn't matter when... just you decide when you want to go or can go and just let me know.

I was literally at their disposal. Kids and hub understood this and sometimes.. helped him themselves. Daughter drew pictures and son did too. Both came to visit as often as was possible and were chatty about what they were doing in school and sports etc..

Sometimes it meant that hub and I didn't have much alone time.. but hub was understanding and knew why I was doing, what I was doing.

And Dad ended up being more forthright about what he wanted... yeah even little things & did take every opportunity to make any choices available.

He was deteriorating before our eyes... and he knew it and Mom did too. (Mom was a nurse too.) BUT... we didn't talk out loud about it.. because that just wasn't what they were comfortable with. And.. I honored that.

We took each thing as it came up... and not before.

On the Friday after he was discharged from the hospital.. I took he & Mom to the onco's office for his 1st treatment. He was already panting because he couldn't breathe. The Doc took one look at him and wanted him back in the hosp. so he could get him strong enough for his treatments. Dad looked me straight in the eye and said, "Take me home." And... I did. Doc ordered some prednisone to ease his breathing but warned us this would send his sugar sky high. (He was a Type 2 diabetic) He also ordered O2 for the house.

I drove from the onco's office to the pharmacy and Mom got out to get the prednisone.

I turned to him and said "Dad.. I know you want to go home. But there may come a time when you might be more comfortable in the hospital." And he got "I know" out in between pants. Our eyes locked for a minute and I knew he knew... this was kinda "it". And I knew he knew that I knew that. We kinda didn't need to say this stuff out loud.. ya know? That was Friday.

Early Saturday morning... he was so bad... (His sugar was 520) he himself finally admitted he probably needed to go to the hospital and Mom called an ambulance to ensure there would be O2 on the way. We only had the BIG tank.. no portable at the house.

He spent an absolutely horrible day on ALL day Saturday... Fighting for every breath.... and that was ON the O2, canules and mask. He couldn't talk anymore... yet he was miserably conscious the whole time. Yet... we didn't need words. It was ALL about keeping him as comfortable as we could. Cool cloths on the forehead... .... re-arranging his pillow... freshening him up .. new gown and sheets...just holding his hand, etc.

He finally .. blessedly... went unresponsive in the wee hours of Sunday. (I knew death was imminent but I was SO relieved he wasn't fighting to breathe anymore.) Sunday morning I returned and crawled up on his bed after the Minister had finished...and whispered in his ear. Thanked him for being my Dad......

He passed Sunday night around 8 pm. My Mom sis and I all had hands on him when he went.

And ya know... we STILL hadn't "talked" about it. BUT it was ok....

I have learned:

Not all communication is verbal. Loads can be said, non-verbally. And for my folks.. that was what was more comfortable to them.. so that's how I went about it.

I remember on that Friday after we got Dad back in the house.. she and I went into the kitchen to write down his new med schedule and I just caught her eye and non-verablly asked her... "You ready? Cuz we're getting close here." And she just nodded and welled up. We hugged... but NEVER said a word out loud.

Daddy's Girl, I told you all of this to let you know.. if there are NO words out loud... there are many other ways to communicate and help your Dad pass and your Mom get through it.

Sure you and I may be more comfortable talking about things out loud. Our generation usually is more comfortable with that.

BUT..

It isn't about us. It's all about them... for right now. There are ways to show our love... to check on each other... to help... to just be and listen... and wait... patiently...and to simply love them....without words.

For you?? Cry in the shower... in the car too.... anywhere you can. Hug your kids, if you have any and keep them posted... and let your SO or hub or friends help you. Let them help you. If they ask is there anything I can do?? Tell them! what they can do to help you.

Bring your tears.. your anger... your frustration... your words..here.

We'll listen.. we will understand and walk this painful journey with you.

Weep with us... we'll give you tons of cyber hugs to get you through.

We DO get it. And we know you are a reluctant traveller of this path... we were too.

But we made it and I have no doubt you will too.

((((((Hugs)))))))

leeann

[Imadaddysgirl2]

Thank you both so much for your help and your listening. I think I am wearing out other people's ears, my friends more or less told me so, I think. My Dad lives 200 miles away, and I cannot see him until May. So, it's the phone for now. We've been text messaging each other and that has worked well. Hearing his voice break broke my heart. But today I called him and talked to him without crying. He was all ears. Imagine that!!! It was great. I still cry a lot, but now I know that not everyone understands or is willing to understand. My family is not fighting and we are trying to deal with our emotions and then support each other when we are together. I have a new understanding and appreciation for people who have lost family members, and I am very willing to listen. Thank you for your listening.