The Death Of A Marriage

[kayc]

Many of you are asking how it went yesterday...

John showed up at my job and we rode together to the attorney's office, signed the papers, went to the DMV to take care of the titles, ate dinner, then I took him back to his car. It was extremely emotional, both of us cried, he apologized profusely, but he offered no real explanations, just saying it was him, not me, that I'd treated him like a king and I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he didn't want the divorce and hadn't meant for any of this to happen. He came wearing both wedding rings (I'd given him a beautiful Tiffany ring when we married and he'd injured his finger so for our 1st anniversary, I'd gotten him a little bigger titanium ring). I asked where he dug them up from and he said he hadn't dug them up, he'd been wearing them (yeah, right) and I said it didn't mean much when he's sleeping with someone else. I told him I took my rings off the last time he stood me up, on his birthday weekend. He said he wanted to get a job here and would I see him if he did, cuz that's the only reason he'd do that, and I said he had two years he could have done that and he'd have to do what he'd have to do. I told him I had a really hard time understanding how/why he could have thrown me overboard for Margaret, who spent time in prison, drinks like a lush, and just the sound of her grating voice that never quits, gets to me...and he said it wasn't like that, it just happened, and he hadn't meant to hurt me...to which I responded, "What, it was an accident? You accidentally cheated? You accidentally forgot to come home?" I'm sorry, but things don't "just happen", that sounds lame, like someone who doesn't want to accept responsibility for their own actions.

Anyway, it's done, all but my tears and pain and financial loss...I don't know how long it'll take to heal, but hopefully someday this will all be a distant memory. There were good things about him (until this year) and I will miss the old John, the memories we shared.

As of right now, I am divorced, finally and completely.

Thank you all for your support, your thoughts and prayers, esp. Wendy and Fred, it has meant so much to me, you all have carried me. It's hard to believe I've made it this far.

Love,

Kay

[WendyJ]

Kay this must be very hard for you to know it is finally over, this has been so emotionally draining for you and so hard financially too. But I do know it is only over on the surface and that in your heart there is this ache like I also still have that just won't go away for a very long time, maybe never. We loved deeply and gave our all and it just wasn't enough and that hurts so very much, you and I have to be strong my dear friend and like me you have to remember you did nothing wrong and you were the best damn thing that happened to John and I think he realizes it now, but it is too late. You need to move on when you are ready and look for that happy life that you and I were robbed of in an instant when we lost George and Steve, I just hope we can find it someday, we both deserve that very very much ! You and I will always be there for each other, we have to because that is what good friends do.

I Love You,

Wendy

[kayc]

Thank you, Wendy. Yes it aches, I don't know if I'll ever get over this. He is very much a player, I wonder why I didn't see it sooner, but he was my husband, I believed in him. When I opened my wallet at one point yesterday he said, "Oh is that my picture?" and I said, "No I removed your picture when I decided to get a divorce, and he looked further and saw it was me and George's wedding picture, and he said, "oh". What does this man think? That I'm carrying around his picture, pining for him while he's living with another woman and we're getting divorced? Is he totally clueless?

He asked me to call him when I got home last night so he could know I made it home safely (yet he was never interested if I was okay during the heavy snowstorm we had over Christmas). I tried to call and there was no answer. I tried a half hour later and he answered and I could tell from the strained sound to his voice that Margaret was there. That annoyed me so bad! I was very cold and abrupt with him and as I hung up he said, "sorry". Sorry indeed! How can you try to win someone back when you're with someone else?! Well, I hope she's worth it to him, cuz he's lost me.

I wish I could speed through this pain, I don't know how to handle it, it hurts so bad. My brain tells me this person is toxic for me, but my heart is broken and crying.

[WendyJ]

Yes Kay it is very very hard. I know my heart every second of every day is still having major arguments with my brain, they just can't seem to come to an agreement on what is the best thing for me to do or think. For you it is even harder, but you have just come a very long way in a very short period of time and I do not think there is one person here on this site, even if they did not post because of not knowing what to say that has not been behind you every step of the way cheering you on because we all love you and look up to you very much. You are one strong lady Kay and don't you let anyone tell you different !!!

Love Always,

Wendy

[MartyT]

Kay and Wendy, I believe that many others will profit and learn so much from your willingness to share so openly and so honestly what you are thinking and feeling as you go through these gut-wrenching experiences. I, for one, am deeply grateful to you both, and honored that you trust us enough to share your stories here with all of us. Bless you both.

[marsha]

Thank you, Wendy, that was exactly what I was thinking - Dear Kay, I think you were amazing today. You expressed to John what you thought, you did what needed to be done. I've read every one of your posts, and I want to write some words of wisdom that will make you and your situation better - but all I can say is I hope that the ache in your heart will abate. You are truly an incredible woman - you pour your heart out, you offer yourself up and thereby offer wisdom and guidance, just by being you. I just hope for a measure of peace for you tonight - Hugs, Marsha

[kayc]

Marsha,

I appreciate your encouragement. I understand all too aptly, Wendy's words, as she describes how her brain and her heart argue, that is exactly how I have felt. I have had to go with my brain, but my heart is going through this gut-wrenching experience. There've been times I just wanted to get on the Harley and GO with John, I miss him so much, but my brain tells me that would make everything I have been through go back to square one and I'd have to go through it all over again, and it'd put my family and friends through so much, and I can't do that. The things he's said and done do not add up, it makes no sense, so I have to obey my brain. Meanwhile I cry buckets of tears. The people here have meant the world to me, always giving an encouraging word or a bit of wisdom, I don't know what I'd do without this website. I feel like I'm just ready to teeter over the edge of a cliff, you know? I don't know what is keeping me from going over, maybe unseen prayers. This is a nightmare I wish no one else would ever have to go through. My only consolation is that someday it will be past and there has to be a brighter tomorrow! Right, Annie? (little orphan Annie)

[WendyJ]

Thank you so much Marty,you touched me deeply by saying that, I was concerned that maybe we were being too open and honest, but that is just the way Kay and I are, we just don't hold back and as much as it hurts to tell of our pain we feel if we could help just one person by knowing what we are going through then it is worth it. In some ways it hurts to type out what we are feeling and in other ways it is very therapeutic to get all of our thoughts and emotions out. God bless you and this wonderful site, where we would be without it I do not know.

Marsha what a wonderful post to Kay, she is amazing isn't she? All she is going through and she always took time out of her day to help me and to listen to what I was going through...they don't come any nicer than that !

Love Always,

Wendy

[mlg]

Kay

You have to remember that John sounds like what is called an addictive personality. It may be drugs, alcohol or whatever. They are such smooth talkers and fool many people but they really don't know what they want. Many are users and don't want to give up their "fat cat" but don't want to do responsible things. I know that many people are in the same gut wrenching position you are because you love the "smooth" person but that is just enabling them in their life choices.

It is probably not only best for you, but also best for John. Maybe this will bring him to his senses to really change his life. Only he can make that choice.

Get a good night's sleep and go at tomorrow with a new gusto. Take that big deep breath as you go out the door and say "I know I'm going to make it". You are a strong and amazing woman. Just take time to smell the roses and not rush in to anything else.

[Corinne]

Kay,

I just wanted to tell you that you did a great job yesterday! I am so proud of the strength you showed John even though I know how it must have been tearing you up inside. You are such a special person, I find it amazing how you are going through so much and you still find the time to help others. Just make sure take care of you now because you deserve it.

Love and Hugs,

Corinne

[Guest moparlicious]

Kay,

I just wanted to tell you I admire your strength and courage. You are a amazing person. I thank you for being here for me. Despite all your hardships you still find it in your heart to give and to help others, my heart swells with pride to be honored to call you my friend!!!!!!!!! I am here for you as you are for everyone. Love you, Kim

[kayc]

Today my divorce was final. I thought it was last week but the attorney didn't get the judge's signature until today. When I told John, he didn't respond or react at all, nothing. This has been the most painful thing I've ever gone through, it feels just like it did when George died, only I understand it even less. This was through my husband's actions and choices, not through some random fate. I don't know anything worse than being totally rejected by the person you've given your heart and soul to. The way I feel, I don't know if I'll ever feel whole again.

[WendyJ]

Kay my thoughts and prayers are with you tonight, but you know they always are. I understand completely your feelings, and just like with George and Steves passing, this pain is the same, we will never be whole again. I am sorry you are hurting so bad today, please try to get a good nights sleep and we will talk tomorrow. Please remember I love you dearly as does everyone here on this site !!!

Love You,

Wendy

[kayc]

Today I feel a little empty. I went on another site where they have a divorce forum and some people were all jubilant about their divorce. I don't feel jubilant. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. My responses are not typical. Everyone says I should feel angry about what he's done to me. I just hurt and feel sad inside, I miss him and my heart hurts. Is something wrong with me?

[WendyJ]

Oh no Kay, there is not a damn thing wrong with you at all. You did not want this marriage to end and you tried everything in your power to make everything right, he is the one who ended the marriage by acting the way he did. There are so many unanswered questions you still have and you and I both know if there are questions that remain unanswered you can not move on. Even if you do have the answers it is still hard to move on if your heart will not let you. But those people obviously wanted their marriages to end, makes you wonder why they got married in the first place if they are that happy, no Kay you are the normal one not them.

Love You,

Wendy

[MartyT]

Kay, dear ~ I want to gently suggest that your feeling hurt and sad instead of angry is an indication that you are being honest with yourself and with us, and that you are in touch with your genuine feelings of grief and loss, despite what anyone else thinks you "should" or "shouldn't" feel. Remember that for some, being angry may be preferable to feeling the underlying hurt and pain of loss. You feel what you feel. Get in touch with those feelings, accept them for what they are, express them in any way that feels right to you, and one day you'll be able to let them go. It's only when we try to suppress or deny what we're really feeling that we get into trouble. We know this is hard, but you're doing just fine, dear one.

[kayc]

I met with John night before last over some insurance business, and saw that he has a golf ball sized lump on his neck. He hasn't seen a doctor and it's been over four months, so I greatly encouraged him to get to a doctor even though he doesn't have insurance. He went yesterday and they admitted him to the hospital for testing, he was there overnight. I didn't sleep very well the last couple of nights, worrying about him and was praying about whether I should take care of him if he has cancer...not go back to him, but merely help him...well tonight I discovered the the generator I had stolen a couple of months ago, he took! His friend has it listed for sale, and I ran across it. I was furious! Not only has he tried to make me think I was crazy, abused me emotionally and verbally, used me, conned me, cheated on me, lied to me, but now he has stolen from me too! He's been telling me he wanted to get back together with me and telling me he's sent Margaret away, and I know that's not true. I am beginning to wonder if this man totally set me up from the beginning or if we ever even had anything together. I suppose I'll never know the answer, and that's tough. Funny, on the way home from seeing him Wed. night, I didn't cry, I just felt kind of numb...I suppose I am starting the process of getting over him...it may take a while to fully achieve that, but at least the process is started. Funny how similar this is to grieving over a deceased spouse, yet how very different it is at the same time. When grieving over a deceased spouse, you feel bad when you progress through it, like you're guilty of leaving them behind somehow, yet in a divorce you feel victorious when you are able to accomplish the leaving behind process, like you've achieved a hurdle. This man has so totally disregarded me, so unappreciative of all I have done for him and been to him, that it still fully shocks my cognitive ability to even comprehend! I've never met anyone so callous in all my life! So many people say to me that any man would kill to have me for a wife, yet this man had me for his wife and didn't value me at all! This amazes me.

Marty, thank you for your assurances...after so many people have indicated something is wrong with you for caring about this person, you begin to wonder about yourself. I had a friend tell me the other night that I may have repressed anger, yet I am fully able to express myself and do not feel I deserve what I've gotten in the least, so that doesn't fit the bill of repression. I think everything comes in stages and it's been such a shock and I've had so much to deal with in such a short time...and we have to realize, too, that not everyone has the same timetable or order of stages. I think I've made tremendous headway under the circumstances. One thing I heard this week is when you encounter anxiety, the immature response is self-destructive, such as binging or (shopping) spree, but the mature response is to do what you need to do, regardless of how you feel. That has almost become my motto these last two months! Do what you need to do, regardless of how you feel.

[Corinne]

Kay,

It is amazing how our relationships are so alike. Your John and my John sound so much alike it is amazing. I went through the sadness of losing him and what could have been and the why couldn't he love me and treat me the way Jimmy did. It will be 2 years next month that John is gone and I now find myself missing Jimmy and what we had more than ever. I have also found that I now see who I became when I was with Jimmy is now coming back to me. I am once again becoming strong and self confident (things John took away from me). I don't know if I will ever be in a relationship again, as I am still healing from the last one, but I do know that if I ever am in another relationship I will stay strong and never let anyone take me down to that level again. I am telling you these things because I want you to know that I know how painful and horrible this is right now but I also know that you are going to be ok. Hang in there because you are one awesome lady.

Love & Hugs,

Corinne

[kayc]

Corine, I am sorry you went through something similar, this isn't something I'd wish on anyone. I know with time I'll be okay, but for now, it's all a process...

[kayc]

Okay, I just have to vent...this is a letter I wrote in response to another's comments...I want anyone in the future who goes through this to know that they are not alone in everyone questioning every move they make and every thought they think, every motive they have, and they are not alone in their frustration over it.

The thing is I have already explained to you and V both about WHY I haven't turned the phone off yet, and no one seems to listen, I actually have gotten this from a lot of people and I am so tired of explaining my every move and thought to everyone who thinks it their business. People don't realize it is not just them making a comment or asking a question, multiply that by a dozen people every day and you can see why I'm annoyed. If I had had just half the support and encouragement that I got in remarks from people who think I am not handling anything right, I would have been miles ahead. I know that you care and you've been more supportive than anyone, but honestly, I have explained over and over about the phone and the insurance and his stuff.

The phone I have used to glean information. Why the h_ll can't anyone get that? I don't get any measure of comfort from talking to him, how the h_ll could I? It infuriates me that anyone could think so! How can talking to a man who has used, abused, cheated, lied, conned, abandoned, and stolen from me, possibly bring me any degree of comfort? There are other considerations and a wise person takes those into regard and doesn't just act with their blind emotion! I am trying to find out where he gets a job! I have a judgment that does me no earthly good if I don't know where he goes to work. So far I have some leads, and one in particular, but he hasn't yet been told he's hired, just led to believe he will be. Second, I have HAD to have dealings with him both to sign the papers and because of the insurance. V acts like (because of those things) I have "kept" him in my life! That ticks me off royally! What the h_ll does she know and what right does she have to give everyone the wrong impression by continually talking about me behind my back to everyone she knows?! She's making me out to be stupid and foolish, and I'd like to see her go through what I have and come out doing half as well! She thinks she's so above falling in to this trap but she wasn't, and if not for my "stupid" example, she might very well have found herself in a similar situation. Maybe she wouldn't have been as unfortunate to have ended up with a conman, but she could have ended up with someone totally wrong for her in her loneliness and desperation. What has kept her from it is having seen what I have been through. She should be thankful I have been candid about what I have gone through in an effort to warn others away from a like situation.

Third, there ARE laws! The law says I have to let him have his belongings. I have asked my lawyer how long I must keep his stuff and not received a reply. Of course, every time I ask anything, even if it is a second or third time, I get billed for it, even if I don't get an answer. The law ALSO requires I carry insurance on the car and the motorhome because my name is on the title...according to the DMV, my name is on the title UNTIL he transfers the title. A person has ten days to transfer a title, but it's been since the 14th and he still hasn't done that...that does not let me off the hook from the laws that apply to me though. And people wait their ten days plus all the time and seem to get away with it. He doesn't seem to be in any hurry. How am I supposed to force him to sign it and turn it in to the DMV? No one tells me HOW to make someone do something they don't want to, no I just get faulted when he doesn't do it! The DMV told me even AFTER he "transfers the title", it's another 30 days or so before it happens, and they do not consider it done until they have it in their system, and in the meantime, I have to carry insurance on it! Now what do you suppose would happen if him or his girlfriend drove drunk and killed someone and my name was on the title still, and I had removed insurance on it? I would be sued not only for everything I have but for everything I could make in the future! So, I am considered the fool for keeping the insurance on it as required by law? It's not my fault everyone is so ignorant about the law, but maybe they should listen to me when I try to tell them about it instead of attacking me for doing what I have to do!

If not for the phone, I would not have been able to compile the evidence on the generator being stolen and where it went. I still have not figured out what to do about it. Everyone says call the police. Emotionally, I'd love nothing more than to do that. But there are other considerations there as well. If I call the police over a $399 generator, which I don't have a serial number on, I stand the chance of nothing resulting from it, and I would cut off any future chance of gleaning any information about where he ends up working, thus nullifying my $23,000 judgment. Do you understand? In addition, I'd incur the wrath of this group of creeps that band together in their wrongdoing and who knows what they'd do to my place when I'm at work, or slash my tires, or any of the other kinds of things they like to do to their "enemies". Is that worth it? Do NOT misapply to me my motives in what I do and do not do, I am tired of being thought the fool. When I say these words, they are really spoken to EVERYONE because it has been two months worth of remarks on a daily basis that I have gotten tired of, it's like no one even HEARS me, and they disregard all of my reasoning and everything I say. When I say I have been through quite a process in the last two months and I think under the circumstances I have done very well, I mean just that. I applaude myself even if no one else does. Heaven help anyone should ever have to go through what I have gone through. I have tried to find a website/forum on others who have gone through something similar but haven't been able to find anything...I think most people who have been duped by a man they loved have been so embarrassed they have just kept quiet, and after how others have responded to me, I can certainly understand their wanting to be private about it.

[marsha]

Kay - you're walking through your own personal minefield, and someone wants to tell you how to do it?? I wish to G-d I had legal experience to help you, or something that could make a difference in the practical issues you are dealing with on a day-to-day basis. I'm so sorry you have to deal with DGI's - I still don't understand why people think they need to give you advice that's unasked for and unwanted. I am pulling for you 110% - your compassion, love, willingness to share - all these and more I so appreciate. By saying the following, I'm not denying your grief or anguish - but you have an inner strength that comes out loud and clear. You will go through this process, and you have friends who love you and are here to hold you up when you need it. Whenever you need it! Love, Marsha

[WendyJ]

Oh boy Kay, thank goodness it is not me you are talking about as I would not want to be on the receiving end of that but you know what? This person that you are still calling your friend does not deserve to be called your friend and I don't know why you have not told her to hit the highway running !!! If these are the things she is saying to you and she is even talking behind your back is she a friend? Think about it, there is alot of anger in this post and do you really need this on top of what you are already going through? I understsnd perfectly what you are doing and why...so what is her problem? You and I both have learned some valuable although hurtful lessons these past few months and I think one of them needs to be not to take any crap from people, if they do not love us or understand us or in your friends case if she does not agree she should just keep her mouth shut and support you either way, they can move on with their own mixed up lives and leave us alone ! I myself understand all you are doing and I support you all the way, you are doing a fantastic job and we could all only wish we could do half as good as you if we were in your situation. You Go Girl !!!!!!!

Love Always,

Wendy

P.S. Maybe you should forward her this post !!!

[Corinne]

(((Kay))),

Hooray, I am so glad you let that out. It is amazing how people are so quick to judge our actions and offer advice when they have no idea of the reasoning of why we do things whether it be to protect ourselves emotionally or financially. I say with what you have been through and what you are continuing to go through, you are doing an amazing job!!! If your so called friends are not smart enough to understand the reason you are doing these things then they should either SHUT UP or stay out of your life. Friends support each other they do not judge or question what we do. Know that you have friends and family here that support you and are very, very proud of how you are handling things!!!

Love & Hugs,

Corinne

[kayc]

Thanks, guys...I hesitated (but only for a minute) about posting this, I knew it was full of anger, but felt I needed to let it out. I have been very candid with her to no avail. I am at the point where I am trying to stay away from her but now she's horning in on my life with my other friends so it's getting difficult. I've tried to cut her some slack because I know she is grieving too and people aren't always in their best focus then, but even so, she's kind of heavy handed.

I called the number on the ad for the generator and John's friend answered and I told him I want my generator back that he has listed, that it's been reported stolen, and he said he didn't know what I was talking about and I said, "Fine, then, I'll give the info to the police and let them handle it!d" I hung up and never heard back from him or John either one. I have my case number at work and will give them that and a copy of the listing. I guess I'm at the point where I'm beyond caring what happens any more, I am just so tired of it all.

[kayc]

I called the police about discovering my stolen generator being advertised on line, and after being transferred several times and them arguing jurisdictions, someone finally called me back and told me they couldn't do anything cuz we'd been married, so I guess it's legal to steal from your wife, even if you never lived with her and are off living with someone else. Guess it doesn't matter that I have a receipt and can show where it's being advertised and trace the fence back to his best friend. Guess it doesn't matter that it belonged to me and George and John never even used it, and denied having taken it, and Oregon doesn't have "community property". I told them he'd already taken me for $50,000 so what's another $1,000 but I would think they'd want their foot in the door to see what else is there that they don't have receipts for, this guy is a felon. Well everyone told me to report it so I did, now all I probably accomplished is alienating John so I'll never recover anything he owes me. Oh well, so much for justice. Just more "loss" from a "love relationship".