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The Death Of A Marriage


kayc

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Some of you have inquired about me...I will get back on line, but am not sure if I can today. I have been given a new project at work and am still in the fog about it, and today will be my busiest day ever at work.

In my off time I have been scrambling to learn everything I can about the Narcissist Sociopath, because that is what John is. In my efforts, I have learned that the entire evolution of our relationship was predictable and classic to those with N.S.s, not unique at all, unfortunately. It is helping me to understand that our relationship was a sham, that he studied me, responded to me in a way to ingratiate himself with me, used and manipulated me, conned me, abandoned me for a younger "less together" woman, and moved on once he could no longer get something from me. He is incapable of being truthful, feeling empathy or loving. Last night I discovered he was getting married again and I felt kicked in the stomach. Even though I now know our love was only real on my side, and his new relationship will fall by the way just as ours did, it still is such a huge jolt to realize just how unvalued I was and that everything I have done in the last three years was so totally meaningless. It is a lot to grapple with. People tell me to "move on" and I am doing that, but to expect me not to have feelings or a reaction to this is completely unrealistic...this is a process. I have made huge strides these last two months, and will continue to, but it will take me more time to heal and fully progress in my life. I aim to do so, but neither do I expect myself to be fully healed and whole overnight. Right now I feel healthier inside than I have ever felt in my life (for the first time I don't feel the need to jump into a relationship, in fact I want to focus on ME), yet even so, I have wounds and scars that will take time and God to deal with.

I appreciate all of your personal messages, emails, and phone calls, it means the world to me. When you live alone and spend most of your time alone, it helps to know there are others that care.

Hoping you all have a good weekend, I love you!

Kay

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Dear Kay,

I feel for you, my friend. I hope you know how strong you are to recognize and deal up front with the arrows John has slung at you. To feel the hurt is to remain human. It would be an easier route to put up a wall of denial and indifference. I know it sucks, but I'm glad you are staying true to yourself. You have a heart of gold...you may melt but you will uphold your value! This too shall pass.

Kath

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Thanks, Kath. I have learned so much, it all fits now, but I can't help but wonder why I didn't see it sooner, I guess you just trust your husband and don't suspect anything like this. I talked to his stepmom last night, she's so sweet...she said his dad was like this...funny, John hated his dad. It has been so hard, but hopefully next year will be better. I wish I'd just stayed single and had never met him, I'd be way better off financially and my heart wouldn't hurt so much. I still cry almost every day, it hits when I least expect it. I guess that's to be expected. Things haven't seemed right for over a year now, yet it's only been a little over two months since I realized the marriage was over, so I guess I've made great strides under the circumstances. So much to process and deal with. At least I don't have the adjustment of living alone, I was already doing that. Back to the land of the living...

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Great strides?! In my mind you've moved at lightning speed. Please remember that the people that con and manipulate are experts at their craft. People like you, who are honest and trusting, don't have it in you to suspect differently. You did nothing wrong. You were in a vulnerable position. He recognized it and took advantage. I am just so glad you did see it and, despite the incredible pain at dealing with another loss, managed to proceed and are taking care of yourself. Good things will come your way again, Kay. You are too special for it to be any other way. Taking time to appreciate your own unique qualities sounds like a good plan. I have an axe if you want help chopping wood!

Have you ever watched "Continental Divide" with John Belushi? It's a classic if you can find it. I think you'd like the scenery.

Kath

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Kath,

I never thought of it like that...that if he could con experts, why not me? He passed two polygraphs before and he lies constantly...he passed therapy and the therapist wanted to use him as an example (successful) to others, so I guess if he can fool experts, why would I be expected to have known better? You know, Kath, all I know to do is to do what is right and trust it will come out in the end.

Yes, I've seen the Continental Divide, it was a very good movie, and you're right, I love nature/scenery. I just came back from a long walk with Skye, I am so fortunate to live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I like to take advantage of it.

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My dear Kay,

As I was looking for something in my files earlier today, I came across this piece. I haven't seen it in a very long time, but when I read it again today, it made me think of you:

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it – when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out, ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella (after the ball) and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are – and that's okay. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers – and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world – and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love – and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly okay, and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want – and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect, and you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch – and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve – and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

More important, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's okay to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes – bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

– Found on the Internet, June 19, 2003; Author Unknown

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Thank you, Marty, that about says it all!

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Wow, I can't believe the timing on this! I feel I just hit that Awakening this past Saturday!

I found out last week that a woman I grew up with in a different state just recently moved to only 15 miles away from me. We met when we were 9 and were friends into our 20's, until marriage and moving and families filled our separate lives and we lost touch. Now we are many years older than we were when we met on the playground, and I believe we were both nervous to see the reflection of ourselves, grayer, wrinklier, and with middle aged spread, in each other's eyes.

But what we saw when we met for lunch on Saturday was that we were the same people we had always been. Yes, grayer and saggier and plumper, but so what? The important parts never changed. And we spent hours telling each other about the years since our last talk -- so much, both joyous and tragic, has happened to each of us.

And somehow, during that afternoon, I found a peace I don't think I have ever felt in my life. I realize that I have tried to reinvent myself at each life change. I met my husband and wanted to be who I had always pictured I would be -- beautiful, married, successful. So I distanced myself from all my childhood friends, wanting to move on and not be the dull wallflower I felt I was before.

Then, my baby was miscarried, my husband came out as gay and we divorced, and I changed myself again, cutting him out of my life after awhile, and chasing after this new man, or that new man, believing I had to again distance myself from the "loser" I believed I had become, and again prove I was worthy by finding someone else to love me, to marry me and make me look "right" to the world.

Then my boyfriend dumped me and I was laid off from my job the same month, and I moved across the country and again cut off contact with everyone I had known, to reinvent myself yet again in a new city, with a new job, and prove I was worthy, and not the loser I was before.

And one day I sat in my living room and realized I had divorced myself from my feelings. I had an indifferent contentment, or perhaps numbness, about my life, but no depth of feeling. I knew, on an intellectual level, that I had cut off the feelings of pain and loss, and in so doing I had cut off any feelings of love or joy. And I had come to believe that I had not yet found the right reinvention of myself, therefore I did not deserve feelings of love or joy. I did not know how to dig myself out of that rut. I went on crazy diets, I dyed my hair, I changed jobs from one I loved to one I hated because it had more money and status, I chased after men, trying to become what I thought I had to become to be worthy.

Then one day, my ex husband contacted me because he was terminally ill. And to hear his voice again blew all my priorities out of the water. I didn't care that we were divorced, that he was gay so we would never again have the "proper" husband and wife, socially-approved relationship. I loved him, I had always loved him, and I was happy to hear his voice, and I knew I would be there for him no matter what as he struggled with his health. And I found myself as someone who did know how to love -- I had merely temporarily forgotten.

And I had that feeling again when I met my childhood friend. Why had I cut these people out of my life? Because the relationships were not perfect, were not as I had envisioned them, because they did not fill my needs as I thought they should? This says it so perfectly:

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love – and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

Though I needed to walk away from my marriage, yet I still had a fulfilling loving friendship with my ex. He could not be to me what I had wanted him to be, but once I saw him as the person he was, he greatly enriched my life by being a part of it. Thank God I found that relationship with him before he died. It was the same with my childhood friend. She was older and heavier and grayer, as was I, but in her eyes was the same twinkle I had seen nearly 50 years ago on that playground, and we laughed together as we did back then. I suddenly saw clearly that we are who we are, imperfect and aging and showing all the damage that life has inflicted upon us, and if we accept that, we are the richer for all that we have experienced, and all those we have loved in our lives. Our griefs and losses teach us compassion and the inestimable value of love, both old and new loves, all kinds of loves.

Finally, my life is all one piece, one tapestry of everything I have experienced. No need for reinventions. And I love my life, even with all its pain.

Thanks for posting this, and for maintaining this site, which has helped me to find such healing.

Ann

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I just wanted to add, I didn't mean to highjack this thread, but I found Marty's post so beautiful I had to respond, it hit me so deeply.

Kay, I am so sorry to hear of what you have been going through. As a friend of mine said when I was getting divorced, you are mourning the death of your marriage, and all that you thought it was and hoped it could be. John took that away from you, but none of that was your fault -- he took advantage of you. Your friends should be supporting you, not criticizing the way you are handling it. Plus, you are handling it so admirably!

It's obvious to us all, I am sure, that you have great strength and you will come out of this even stronger, but it's such a difficult path you are walking and I wish I could offer something to help or to diminish the pain! But it will get better.

Don't blame yourself for any of it; as you said, if he could fool therapists and lie detectors, what chance did you have? And I appreciate your candor in posting all this -- those of us who are bereaved often dream of finding love again, but your story reminds us to be careful -- not everyone is as they portray themselves to be, and it's not at all easy to tell the difference between those who are sincere and those who are so good at the con game.

All the best to you -- I am keeping you in my thoughts.

Ann

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Ann,

That's one thing I love about this particular site, you don't have to worry about "highjacking" so much as other sites...all of it is relevant and all of our feelings and what we're going through is important, and we're all here to help each other or lend some insight. Marty's piece was wonderful, I printed it out last night and want to keep it to peruse as I feel the need. It is a keen reminder of things we need to be telling ourselves and it sums it all up so beautifully.

I love that you got that it is okay to love someone even if things didn't turn out the way you'd planned and that that love superceded anything else in the end...that is a valuable lesson. I would like to think I would be able to respond in the same way but the truth is, we can't always know until we get there what we'd do.

Take care...

Kay

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Kay,

We love whom we love, we can't change or control our feelings, just what we do about them.

Time went by after my own divorce, and I moved past it and could see what happened more clearly, and understood that my husband never intended to hurt me; but he needed to be who he was, and knew he would only hurt me if we continued our marriage. In that way, it was an act of love that he pushed for divorce, because he knew he could not truly be a husband to me as a gay man. When I understood that, forgiveness naturally followed, because although the action may hurt, intention is also important. I used to worry that it made me look like a loser, still loving a man who had left me; so I stayed away from him and moved on in my own life. Which I did need to do, in order to heal and learn to live on my own.

But when he became so ill, I knew it didn't matter whether we were still married or not.

We can't help who we love; some people we love we just can't live with, for various reasons, and we may, over time, move on and recover from the disappointment and hurt that the love could not develop into the relationship we envisioned and hoped for. And you're right, it's an awful lot like losing someone to death. Except they still live, and that can make it even harder, because it's hard to get past the hope that things could work out after all. We just have to go day by day, because things only seem to be clear in hindsight.

Ann

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Ann,

I can see that you and your husband had a deep love for each other, but you both had to contend with what was...I'm glad that in hindsight you can see he never intentionally hurt you. I'm sure he was so in denial over his sexual preference until he could no longer deny it and had to face it...but by then he was already married to you and loved you...what a dilemma that must have created inside of him! You had to hurt from that big time, and it undoubtedly called into question things you had to answer about yourself...just as I went through when my husband left me for someone else...when in reality, it wasn't about us, it was about them. It doesn't alleviate our having to go through all of our self-searching, questions, insecurities, etc. though, but coming through it, we have a stronger sense of self and have learned so much from all that we have been through. The huge difference between your husband and mine though is intention and your husband was honest with you and mine never did get real. I wish John could have been honest with me and maintained a friendship, but of course, his problems are so deep seated, it's just not possible for a N. S. to do so. Whereas you were able to maintain a friendship and love, I am not able to because I can't accept continual lies and being used, there is no caring from him to me. I admire you so much, for you have been through so much and yet have had the integrity to be true to yourself and the strength to do what you feel is the best, in spite of other people's reactions. That takes a truly strong person, I know, I have had to do the same. Sometimes our way is hard and lonely, but we become all the stronger for it.

For now, I decided to get a dog...it is exhausting all of my energy but I have little time for being lonely, between taking care of my son's dog and my new big puppy. :wacko: I just got him two days ago, his name is Arlie and he's half Siberian Husky and not sure what else, maybe retriever, maybe German Shepherd. He's 67 and barely one year old, very lively. I'm nuts! But I have little time for boredom! :blush:

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There are differences in our situations, of course. And it took a long time before my ex and I were able to come to an understanding of what happened. You are in a very different situation with your husband, and unless he is able to be honest about his failings and sincerely apologize, there isn't much you could do about having any kind of relationship with him. You are obviously a strong and wise person too, because you understand that you need to keep your boundaries strong and not accept being treated with less respect and care than you deserve. Since you were in a relationship where you were being used and lied to, the only solution is to leave, hard though it is, and you are wise enough to know that.

But I do understand how the love is still there, even when the marriage has to be over, even when he has treated you badly. And it's so very painful. It's good to be able to come here and talk about it. Love doesn't just disappear. But it will get easier to bear as time goes on, like grief. But it's a different kind of grief, too -- more complicated in some ways.

Ann

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Ann,

Sometimes I think the love is going and sometimes it's just there, even though I know he doesn't love me back. I wish I could understand but having to accept that he'll never be honest with me is the hardest part. Maybe someday this will all just be a very distant bad memory...

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For the most part, I am getting through this, but I guess I've hit the anger stage. In learning that my ex is getting remarried so soon, and is in the throes of planning their wedding and honeymoon (something we never had) and travel plans, I find myself extremely annoyed...first of all, he is funding all of this at my expense, as I am the one that had to pay off the motorhome and Jetta as well as his other bills, he hasn't worked in months, and he doesn't seem to be in any great hurry to go to work, he can stay home with his girlfriend and just live life in the moment, a luxury I am not afforded as I struggle with home repairs and doing everything around my place by myself as well as getting up early for a long distance commute to work. Somehow, it just doesn't seem fair. He's undoubtedly sold the motorhome he stuck me with paying for, so they can have a great time, something I never got with him. What's fair about that? People tell me to "move on" but it's only been three months since I discovered our marriage was over, and I feel I have moved on, as much as I can in this short a time, but move on to what? And how does that help me over the anger I feel at the whole injustice? I had to pay for the lawyers that didn't do anything to help or protect me, I feel our system let me down as there are no laws to prevent a spouse from robbing you blind and conning you, and the cops didn't help me when confronted with his theft...so how do I so quickly move on from all of that? Am I just supposed to say "oh well" like it doesn't matter that I will eventually lose my home because of what he's done to me? I know there is a judgment day coming, but I don't really want him going to hell, I'd rather he make things right, but I also know that's not likely to happen...what I'd really like is a little bit of justice here and now, maybe paid back financially for at least some of my loss...maybe for him to realize the full extent of what he's done to me and actually feel sorry about what he's caused...it wouldn't hurt for his girlfriend to feel bad either about what she's done, but I know none of that's likely to happen either. When people tell me glibly to "move on" I feel they are invalidating my feelings and my feelings are legitimate, they are mine, they are real, and I am entitled to them. I need to experience them in order to go through the process of moving on, can't they see that? Can't they see that what I am experiencing is grief, loss, just as surely as grief/loss from death? Can't they see that I feel raped inside and out only there is no law against how this one occurred and so he gets away with it? People have spent 25 years in prison for doing a whole lot less than what this man did to me.

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Dear Kay,

You are so right...there is no justice in what is happening. He must be a very sick man to have to do these things to women, and I wouldn't be so sure he's not using this next woman as much as he used you. I'd be mad as hell, too. I am in shock that our courts couldn't do more to protect you, to take care of the one that was victimized in all of this. Give yourself time, to heal, my friend. You were wronged and the wounds are still very fresh.

Hugs and prayers,

Kath

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Kath,

Yeah, that's why I got a dog! :rolleyes: The other woman doesn't have anything financially to take but she will surely end up hurt. I would be sorrier for her if it weren't for the fact that 1) she purposely stole him from me knowing full well he was married and 2) I warned her and 3) she saw what he did to me. Also he has already cheated on her and beat on her and to go ahead and marry someone in light of that is just foolhardy.

I'll be okay, I'm just enjoying myself, getting back into the things I enjoy doing, the dogs, choir, and starting a local Christian Singles group (to share activities, not date). With all of the things to do around my place, there isn't much time for feeling lonely and bored...well maybe lonely sometimes, but never bored! :wacko:

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And from the sounds of it, this dog will do right by you...At least he's trying! Arlington...I love it. (The kids think I come up with strange dog names.)

My sister just went through a divorce after 17 years. There are some similarities between your relationship and hers. Her ex has been trying to extort another $8K from the sale of their home. This is the home he lived in with his girlfriend after she moved out following the weekend she discovered he had a girlfriend. This is also the house she had to pay half the mortgage while he was living there with his you-know-what. It is the same house he tried to block the sale of by hiding the "for sale" sign in the garage. I'm waiting to hear how her last court appearance went. It seems totally ridiculous to me that these guys even get a hearing or any type of fair treatment.

I have to believe that you being the wiser, the stronger, the more honest, you will come out of this with the upper hand. You, at least, have your dignity and good name. Let me know if we need to have a benefit for you. I'd be sick to hear you lost your home. You've handled all of this with class and you should be proud of that. And to those that think you can get mad and walk away without any feelings, then they lose as well, because they don't really know you, do they? Congratulations on re-defining you and doing the things you enjoy. The only thing I have time for is shoveling!

I have to tell you about our puppy-sitting week. My son got his braces off a month ago and has to wear a retainer. Within 2 weeks, he had it cracked in a couple of places. The first day the puppy was here, she snatched it off the table and ate a chunk out of the front. By the end of the weekend, he dropped it on the floor and she demolished it. Then, when he came to tell me about it, she stole his Subway sandwich and ate that too! We made $70 caring for the dog. The new retainer cost $65. Not bad, eh?

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Yeah, Kath, thanks! I was debating getting a dog, but after hearing your story, I'm thinking my checkbook couldn't take it!

Kay, the bright light that is your heart and soul never ceases to amaze me. I've been following this post, but not having experience in what you're going through, hesitated to answer. But you have the ability to think through what you've gone through, and find some answers within you. I think you're great! Hugs, Marsha

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Oh goodness! I hate to think what Arlie has cost me already! He's chewed up three beds (he just gets a blanket now), two toothbrushes, 2 baskets, a few candles, several dog toys, I can't even remember what all. The first day I bought his harness, he chewed it in half while it was on him...I didn't have it tightened enough because he kept jumping around. It's a learning experience! But he's also the one who kissed me when I was crying last night after my accident. Dogs may turn your life upsidedown, but they're also wonderful.

The shelter named him Arlington and I shortened it to Arlie.

Good luck to your sister, I wish there were justice!

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Kay,

Are you okay? I know the damage a deer can do to a vehicle, but a bull elk????? You are in my prayers today.

Kath

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Yes I'm okay, I hurt my hand but it's healing, I think the stress from gripping the wheel when it happened injured it, it was bruised and had broken blood vessels but I'm amazed how fast it's healing.

The good news is the bull elk is seen with the herd and is apparently okay, that amazed me too! I was really worried about him, they are very important to their herd, they only have one for every 100-150 cows.

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