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Our Son Has Died And Our World Has Been Shattered


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Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.

Our beautiful son was taken from us suddenly in a car accident just 2 days before his 20th birthday last month - and now we are part of a world of grief and pain. Our family is close and loving but somehow it seems as though now we have been thrown into this new place where nothing is predictable any more. I live in terror that it will happen again, that another of my children will die, that I will die. I look normal but I am changed forever. Some days I feel like I am OK, and then I am back at the beginning, seeing his face, replaying the events of that normal day that turned into every parent's worst nightmare, wishing I could hold him one more time and feel his arms around me. He had so much to live for and that changed in an instant.

I know that other people don't, can't understand and I do have friends who do, but it is too early to call them, I wouldn't be able to speak for crying, wouldn't be able to breathe for grieving. I will wait for now and when I can take that step I will. I wonder though, will I ever be strong enough. I do need to be strong for his brothers and sister, for his dad, for myself. His grandparents are bereft, his friends inconsolable. I feel like I need to be there for them but I have no stregth, no reserves of energy, just the shell that is me, going on each day, held up only by the prayers and love of others.

I was busy last weekend, back at work and people said 'you are so strong, you are doing so well', but they didn't know that I was not really there, I had sent my body but my heart and soul were still curled up in bed, crying.

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I am so sorry about your son. I have a 20 yr old daughter and I cannot even begin to imagine what this nightmare must be like for you and your family. I am glad you found this site, keep posting . I wish I knew what to say...please know you are not alone here. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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Farmum, I am so very sorry for your loss, and you have our deepest sympathy. You can be exactly who you are here with us. Your broken heart and soul are safe here, where you will be wrapped in the warm embrace of our compassion, support and love.

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I feel for you so much!! It is so hard to explain those feelings you have inside. I am going through the same sort of pain. I lost a good friend in a car accident 3 1/2 weeks ago. I feel like I will never be the same. I only knew him for five months and he has made such an impact on my life. The nicest guy ever!! I feel like some people probably think I should be over grieving already. I keep trying to picture how the accident might have happened and the condition he was in after. That mightt seem immortal, but my mind just keeps wandering. He was a coworker of mine, and we were in a more than friend relationship, he was 10 years older than I and I never thought I could fall for someone like him. When he got in the accident he was on his way to see me. He got let go from his job, (which he had the feeling it might happen) and went and had a few drinks and was on to his way to see me. The road wasn't all too familiar with him, and not to mention it was dark and the roads were very icy. He missed a curve and went off the road and rolled his SUV. He was ejected from the vehicle and had major internal injuries. Only made it about 6 1/2 hours. I've been to his accident site twice and prayed and picked up a few things left behind. I've also met his family, which did help. I can't stop thinking about the "what if's." You know, had he not stopped for drinks or had he met me earlier and most of all if he wasn't let go from his position this wouldn't have happened. He was extremely devastated that he wouldn't be working with anymore. My job is not the same anymore!! I feel this huge emptiness when I would inside the building. I feel like it's hard to listen to music, since so many songs remind me of him. I used to talk to him on 45 minute ride to work and on the way home. And now I have way too much time to think. I just don't know how accept his loss. Sometimes I feel like not doing anything:(

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It's very normal to have those what-if's and to wonder about the details of the person's passing -- some people do that, and some don't, but it's not morbid. I did that when my ex-husband died. I drove his friends and boyfriend nuts with my need to know everything that happened, what his symptoms were, what he said in his last week, last month of life. I lived on the opposite coast and hadn't talked to him for a month or so before his illness suddenly took a bad turn and he died unexpectedly. I needed to know everything. I'm sure his friends thought I was morbid.

But it eventually did comfort me, because after a long time (it's been almost 5 years), the what if's were mostly answered -- no one could have saved him, and everything possible was done for him. Or if it wasn't, it can't be changed now, and over the years, I have had to learn to adjust to that fact and incorporate his loss into my life. But it takes a long time and a lot of emotion and thinking before you get to that point, and it is a slow progress. All I can say is, I understand that feeling of almost being obsessed to know what happened to him, all the details, and for some people, it's part of the process.

To get to that "acceptance" (some prefer to call it "adjustment" instead), you have to kind of take it on faith. As you feel the grief, it is very difficult and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it is there -- it just takes lots of time and tears to get there, and I know that right now, you can't even imagine ever getting there. That's why I say it's a leap of faith -- just keep on crying, let yourself grieve. That is the path to healing. And healing doesn't mean you will be back to where you were before he died -- it means remembering him and honoring the memories and still being able to live your life and find meaning in it.

Don't let other people tell you how long or how much to grieve. That is your own process, and it takes as long as it takes. We have all lost someone we loved -- do you ever get over love? Of course not. You learn eventually to adjust to grief, to live with the loss. I know it's nearly impossible to imagine getting there, but you will, in your own time.

I really encourage finding a grief group to talk to. That face to face talking with someone who understands is a huge help in getting through grief.

Ann

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  • 2 weeks later...

Then there are some of us who never really get over it. I am one of those people. People who do not know that my son has died would have no idea while speaking to me, but I am rotting inside. I was extraordinarily close with my son, he was my only boy. I have a daughter whom I adore, but even her love cannot begin to fill the void that has left a sad song singing in my heart forever. I write during the day, I get things published. I entertain, I take care of two dogs, a husband a large house, and love my daughter completely while she is away in college in another state. But none of it is fulfilling anymore.

If you have other children, or if you are close one particular child (if that one hasn't died) cling to them. THey will be your savior. You will heal to the point where in front of other people, you will be able to act as if nothing has happened. But inside you will weep, and sometimes that sad sound will creep out of your mouth in ways that sometimes sound inhuman.

If you are one of the few who are truly able to go on - I beg you to do so. Much of our "healing" (which is a stupid word to use to describe it, because you never really heal) has to do with what other types of love we have in our lives. What our relationship with the person was who died (such as a talented, promising and kind child or teen who has not had the chance to even finish school) if they were your only child, only son or daughter, if there are other children, can we have more or are we too old?

My book doesn't have a happy ending, but it leaves the door open to the possibly of an afterlife and perhaps even some ADC. But until the day I release my last breath, I will be forever waiting for the day for my heart to stop beating. My son's death has been devastating to my husband and myself. And to our daughter - we were all close. It took us 17 years to have it all and in one moment it was ripped away from us with no explanation. People like us don't get better. We don't travel on our journey hoping to find the end because we realize the only thing that is at the end of our journey is our deaths. (Thankfully not our daughter. She truly has no idea how weak we are.)

Give your grief respect. Eventually you will learn to play the game that so many of us have gotten so good at. Shortly you will begin learn what feelings are not accepted, and which ones are - and for how long. You maynot, but the world will put a time limit on your grief. It's the dirty little secret of grief we don't like to talk about. That some people hurt more than others, and some people never recover. About half of us can go on about our normal lives and find a level of peace. Others - not so much.

Here is my son's website, please turn on your speakers. It has hundreds of links to self help groups such as this one (this one is highlighted) and there are videos of some of the most mind bending songs, stories and gods messages you have ever seen. I hope it brings you a measure of peace I have yet been able to find.

If you have a job, I would suggest going back to work after a few months - it will be the best thing for you. I am a counselor to bereaved parents, I write music and I write books. I think my profession has a profound effect on my over all sad attitude. I wish you better luck than I have had. But you will find there are thousands of other women out there who feel as I do. It's okay to feel sad. It's normal. You won't kill yourself because you have other children. I can promise you that. Children are god's medicine. www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

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  • 5 weeks later...
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.

Our beautiful son was taken from us suddenly in a car accident just 2 days before his 20th birthday last month - and now we are part of a world of grief and pain. Our family is close and loving but somehow it seems as though now we have been thrown into this new place where nothing is predictable any more. I live in terror that it will happen again, that another of my children will die, that I will die. I look normal but I am changed forever. Some days I feel like I am OK, and then I am back at the beginning, seeing his face, replaying the events of that normal day that turned into every parent's worst nightmare, wishing I could hold him one more time and feel his arms around me. He had so much to live for and that changed in an instant.

I know that other people don't, can't understand and I do have friends who do, but it is too early to call them, I wouldn't be able to speak for crying, wouldn't be able to breathe for grieving. I will wait for now and when I can take that step I will. I wonder though, will I ever be strong enough. I do need to be strong for his brothers and sister, for his dad, for myself. His grandparents are bereft, his friends inconsolable. I feel like I need to be there for them but I have no stregth, no reserves of energy, just the shell that is me, going on each day, held up only by the prayers and love of others.

I was busy last weekend, back at work and people said 'you are so strong, you are doing so well', but they didn't know that I was not really there, I had sent my body but my heart and soul were still curled up in bed, crying.

Oh I am so sorry....I don't know what else to say..But you are one brave person.

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Dear Farmum,

I was searching the web in the hopes of finding a forum where grief could be shared, and I found your post. We, too, lost a son. He was in a car accident on 12/28/2008, 4 days after his 20th birthday and was killed almost instantly. He was our firstborn child, big brother to one brother (who turned 18 the day after the accident) and one sister who is 10 years his junior. They both looked up to him so much, and he made sure to take time out of each day to spend with them. It has been over four months now, but we are still reeling. I could really relate to some of the feelings you described.

The desire to see him again and hold him is at times overwhelming. I have frantically gone through his room looking for items that I know he was the last one to touch in the hopes I could feel him or that he would somehow rub off on me. He's barely off my mind for a minute. The why's are just too difficult to contemplate, and there are no answers for them. I try to make everything as normal as possible for his brother and sister because I want them to feel hopeful about their lives, so I grieve and mourn mostly when they are at school and don't have to see me. I don't want to worry them too much. Having solitude and time to think without anyone analyzing what I'm thinking is vital for me right now. My husband and I go to grief counseling weekly and that helps because the counselor can put my thoughts into perspective and keep me from getting too intensely focused on some of the aspects surrounding the circumstances of his death.

Jack's brother (the 18 year old) had been planning a trip to Europe after high school graduation and I almost told him I wasn't going to be able to let him go because of my fear of what might happen. Everybody thought that would be a mistake, so we're letting him go as planned. I still have nagging doubts, but I have to let his brother live his life, and I know I can't be in control of all things. Jack's accident occurred 3 miles from our home.

As you say, somedays I feel like I'm going to make it then the next day I'm a basket case. The stages of grief don't come in any particular order and they seem to keep going around and around. No two people grieve alike; my husband and I go have the same thoughts but at different times. At times we need to seek solace from other close friends or family members who knew and loved Jack, but are a little more balanced than we are right now.

While we have been blessed with many people who care about what we are going through, I cannot take when people try to smother me. I need to make my way through this, in my own time, in my own way. Support is needed and appreciated, but too much seems like pressure to be where they seem to think I should be or where they have incorrectly assessed that I am. I feel terrible for some of my overprotective friends because I have withdrawn from them and I can feel their hurt and concern, but I just can't handle it.

Sometimes I write about my feelings in a journal, and I think I'm going to try to start writing about the many wonderful memories. I worry that one day I won't be able to remember him and all that we did vividly. Hope to hear from you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi jack's mom,

I too, have been looking for something to help me with my grief. My son, Chad (25 yrs old) also died suddenly in a car accident Mar.16, 2009, they said that he probably died quickly. To read your words :

"The desire to see him again and hold him is at times overwhelming. I have frantically gone through his room looking for items that I know he was the last one to touch in the hopes I could feel him or that he would somehow rub off on me. He's barely off my mind for a minute."

This is exactly what I have been going through the last few days. In some ways I feel like I am getting worst then better, but this may be normal after reading your message.

I have an older daughter and grand-baby that live out of state. Two step -sons, one is married with 8 mo. old twins, and the other is off finishing law school. Chad was the youngest, late to mature, but had much potiental and was looking at going back to school. He was a considerate loving person like your son. His easy going spirit made us all feel good in any situation. I just hate he is gone.

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Hi Chad's Mom,

I'm so sorry about Chad's accident. It is so difficult to lose a child suddenly. I am still working through Jack's death every day, and I miss him terribly. I hadn't realized how much he did for the family until now; he was the advisor for his siblings, and really helped them through their any issues they were having. At this point (it will be 5 months next week), I still have to convince myself that he is gone and my heart feels like it will drop to my toes. I am getting through the normal day-to-day activities, but not much beyond that. I've found that when I have too much on the schedule I become exhausted and then can't stop crying. I'm trying to keep things on an even keel as much as possible (very difficult with an 18 year old). Our therapist said that grieving takes a lot of energy, and I believe that. It's all consuming. He also said it's about a 2 year process to get to where you can manage your grief; not that you're over it, but you can handle it better.

I am still working on the wording for Jack's gravemarker. I can't seem to settle on the perfect words, and I also think I want to continue to have something to do for him.

I'm new to this forum, so hopefully you'll receive my response. Take care.

Jack's Mom

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