Dealing With Denial

[JonKoisMom]

I've been wondering why I haven't been overcome with grief. I loved my son very much. Then, as I was thinking about him yesterday, I realized, I'm in denial about his death. I was there while he was dying, I was running my fingers through his hair when he took his last breath,yet now my mind is not comprehending that he is really gone. Jon would sometimes go a month without calling or coming over. We work a lot and never knew when we would have a weekend off to have him over and then there were his special needs, where I would need one of his brothers to help me and we had to work around their plans. It's like he is just at his place. It's crazy because I did so much for his Memorial service and I even carried the beautiful box that his brothers made for his ashes. I just picked out his headstone but my mind just isn't cooperating with reality. I know that denial is part of grief but I think I would feel more like a loving Mom if I was able to grasp that he is gone and cry more. I know it's a process but I feel like a failure as a Mom that I'm not overwhelmed. Here I've been looking at my other adult kids and thinking they were in denial and we all are! I know Jon's death will be especially hard for my son, Jason because he was in another state when Jon died and because of the autopsy, he decided he didn't want to view Jon before the cremation. This reminds me just how powerful our minds can be. When my baby, Noah died years ago, I had taken my husband to work that day to use the car but I couldn't remember why I needed the car. For months I tried to remember to no avail. About 6 months later I saw a calendar and remembered that that day I couldn't remember was the day we had a baby shower for my friend who was pregnant at the same time I was. I guess I just couldn't handle knowing at that point of time. I don't like denial. I live with a family full of it and it really bugs me. I hope it passes soon.

[MartyT]

Kathy, dear, trust me ~ you are not in denial about the fact that your precious son has died. If you were, you would not be posting about it on a grief support site such as this one. Rather, it seems to me that you are in a state of shock and disbelief, which is nature's way of protecting you from the full impact of your loss. It is perfectly normal for you to be in that state at this point in your grief journey. Your heart needs time to adjust to what your brain does not want to believe. You cannot possibly swallow and digest this huge elephant all at once. Grief is a process, not a single event. I know you already know all of this because you've been through it before, but remember that each loss is separate and distinct, and when we grieve a significant loss, we do it at 100%. You may find this article helpful: Mother Whose Daughter Died: ‘Why Can’t I Cry?’, http://opentohope.com/hope/online-grief-co...why-cant-i-cry/. See also this post: Still Buying Christmas Presents, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=27723