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Desperately Miss My Son


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My son, Jack, died 7 1/2 months ago on December 28, 2008. He died instantly when the car he was a passenger in slammed into a tree. The driver was drunk and speeding. My son had just turned 20 four days before the accident. Ironically, my son didn't go out that often and when he did he drove 99% of the time. I still can't believe this has happened and that he is gone forever. We are a close knit family (we have two other children 18 and 10) and Jack's absence is felt so deeply by all of us. Nothing seems right without him. We went away for a few days last week, and it was hard to be completely happy because he is always on my mind. When I think of him being gone forever my heart starts pounding and I feel like I could be sick, but then I tell myself to take this one step at a time. What will it take for me to accept what has happened?

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Dear Jack's Mom ~ I know from your earlier posts that you are struggling, and my heart goes out to you. You ask what will it take for you to accept what has happened, and I'm afraid there is nothing you can ever say or do that will make this horrible reality "acceptable." You will mourn the death of your son every day of your life for the remainder of your life, and it will never, ever be "acceptable" to you that he has been ripped away from you this way. As every one of us on this compassionate site will tell you, over time (and a very long time at that) you will learn to live with it, and the intensity of the pain you are feeling now will diminish over time, we promise ~ provided that you continue to seek the support of others, as you have done by coming here to share your story with us.

I've just finished reading a book entitled A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss. The author lost his wife, mother and a daughter in a single automobile accident, and he writes about his struggle to come to terms with this catastrophic loss. I got the book based on Boo's recommendation, and it is indeed extraordinary. If you decide to read it, you may find that it speaks to you in a wise and meaningful way, too.

See also this article on the Open to Hope Web site: I Just Lost My Son: Mother Reaches Out for Help

Please know that we are sending you warm hugs of comfort, peace and healing . . .

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Hi Jack's Mom,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It really hurts, I know. I'm praying that you will find peace in your grief walk. I too would like to know just what happened to my son, he was 37 and died after a choking accident. He had cerebral palsy. I know that my son had to have suffered prior to his heart stopping for 9 minutes. Part of me wants every detail but mostly because I feel that there was neglect involved. I sit and think about what probably happened and have to stop myself because I can't stand not being able to breathe. I find myself taking deep breaths alot when I'm thinking about Jon. Maybe that's why. Jon died on June 29 so it still hasn't quite sunk in yet. You, however, have had more time for the reality to hit you and I really feel for you. I don't know if you have ever heard of The Compassionate Friends but they are all bereaved parents themselves. That means alot to me. It's difficult for me to hear people say that they know what I'm going through if they never lost a child. I had a friend whose son was murdered several years ago and I remember telling her, even though I too had lost a child (my infant son, Noah died from SIDS 28 yrs ago), that I wouldn't even try to tell her that I knew what she was going through because every cause of death has it's own unique circumstances. I knew what losing a child felt like but to have one taken violently, I knew nothing of. I haven't lost a child to an auto accident. 2 of my other children were involved in one once but nothing like your loss. I just want you to know that I'm here for you as are many others. You and your other kids are in my prayers.

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Hi Marty,

Thank you for the book recommendation and the website links. I ordered the book after reading about it, and spent some some on thegriefblog.com. I don't know if this is strange, but I have so many friends who offer support but I find it difficult to seek out support from most of them. I don't know if it's because I don't think they can relate to how raw the feelings are still or what the problem is. Sometimes I don't want to get together with my friends because I'm truthfully not very interested in normal conversation and if I did talk about what's on my mind, which is Jack, it wouldn't exactly make for good party/dinner talk. I don't know how to deal with this aspect. The main person I talk to is my husband, but even there we are feeling different things at different times. I guess with my friends and even my family, I don't want to bring them down and I don't want them worrying about me. I appreciate the different avenues you presented for sharing my feelings.

Thanks,

Jack's mom

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Hi JonKois Mom,

Thanks for responding. It's nice to hear from people who are experiencing similar feelings. I'm sorry for the loss of your sons, Jon and Noah. That is more than a mother should have to bear. I can understand your wanting details on what happened to Jon. I've wondered what happened to Jack from the time the first responders arrived on the scene and the time he was pronounced dead at 11:28 pm. There was only twelve minutes between the two and the rescue team was there within a couple of minutes of the accident being called in. I've thought of goind to visit the rescue station, but don't think I could get through it without breaking down. My husband and I just went to see the car a month ago. Strangley, I wasn't shocked by it as it was exactly as I had seen it in my dreams. Another odd thing is that the night Jack was killed, I became very sick to my stomach around that time. We weren't notified of the accident and his death until 6am the next morning. We were given some new details by the commonwealth's attorney three months after the accident that Jack was still alive when the responders first arrived on the scene. I found this very upsetting, but I do think it's good to have as many details as possible. Maybe they're given to us in small doses because that's all we can handle. Take care and God bless you.

Jack's mom

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  • 9 months later...

I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH JACK'S MOM SINCE I JUST LOST MY SON ON MARCH 19,2010 AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAS HAS HAPPENED, HE WAS JUST AT MY DAUGHTERS HOUSE AND HAD GONE TO THE STORE AND SOME ONE DROVE BY SHOOTING AND MY SON LUIS WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD AND KILLED INSTANTLY. I FEEL LOST,NUMB,MAD,JUST A WHOLE LOT OF CRAZY FEELINGS AND I AM TRYING TO DEAL WITH IT,I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO A COUNSELOR AND HAVE 3MORE SESSIONS WITH HIM AS WELL AS MY OTHER TWO KIDS, MY SONS ALWAYS ON MY MIND AND I GO TO THE CEMETERY EVERYDAY SINCE WE PUT HIM TO REST AND MY FAMILY DON'T LIKE THAT I GO EVERYDAY BUT I NEED TO, AND I AM BACK AT WORK AND I DO HAVE BAD DAYS BUT I AM TAKING THIS ONE DAY AT A TIME,MY SISTER TOLD ME JUST THE OTHER DAY THAT I NEEDED TO LET GO AND I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER BUT WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT HOW CAN SHE SAY LET GO ,HE WAS MY SON AND AT THAT MY BABY BOY,HE WAS THE YOUNGEST OF MY THREE BLESSING THAT THE LORD GAVE ME.

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hi Jack's Mom,

First I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious son Jack. I don't have children and my loss is different to yours.(my dearest Daddy who was so much more than just a Dad). I cannot imagine your pain. However I do relate when you talk about not wanting to get together with friends and not wanting to bring them down and have them worrying. You're feelings are not strange at all ....sometimes I find I distance myself from my friends too, I don't want to see or talk to them. I find part of it is that they can't relate, other times I don't want to hear any cliches altho they are few and far between I don't want to hear even one. Often I too find "normal" conversations are not something I care about anymore, sometimes I have no patience or tolerance at all for those conversations. I am glad you have your husband to talk to and of course your feelings are different, each of your relationships with your darling son were just so unique. I think that is one of the hardest things with grief is the loneliness of you being the only one who knows EXACTLY how you feel and what you are going through.

I personally have found this website a lifeline to me, it's like a safe place where I can say anything, I can be honest about how I feel without anyone judging or trying to make me better becaue I know deep down inside nobody can "fix" me as broken as I am. I find some comfort in knowing others can relate, reading other's stories and experiences and feelings helps me to know that I am not all that alone as I think sometimes. Friends are great for offering support but I guess when they cannot relate they want to be able to make things better because they don't want to see a friend in such pain and although they do and say everything with the best of intentions I find I just don't want anyone trying to make it better for me because they just can't. So I come to my second home online here, my second family and just share how I feel and like I said I find some tiny comfort when someone else relates to how I feel.

Nobody here will ever get sick of you talking about your son Jack, talking about how you feel so please feel free to write as often as you like here knowing nobody will ever ever tire of listening to you. We are all grieving different loved ones, different relationships and bonds now changed (NOT LOST) until we leave this earth to be with them again,but we are there for each other.

One other thing I also do is write in a journal to my Dad, I vent so much to him, I can write the same thing over and over and over because that's how I feel and he won't tire of listening to me. So maybe if you could write to your son Jack, he will always always be there listening and I'm sure he'd love to hear from you. I know they are one way conversations and I find that so hard,sometimes I get so sick of being the one doing all the talking, not hearing Dad talk back but I keep telling myself he gets all my messages and he's just gonna have to keep on listening to me.

So I hope you know that this can be a safe place for you to talk as much as you like and share as much as you like.

sending much love, hugs and comfort to you,

niamh

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, I am new here but you fit in so well with what I am also feeling. I lost my only child a son Aug. 13,2008 at the age of 34. It will soon be 2 years, I have tried to be brave strong but it is not working. I think this is an omen finding you this evening because I am having trouble. Sorry if there are typo errors but I am writing this through tears.

Jack's Mom, I know exactly how desperately you can miss your son. We don't even feel like seeing our friends, there are day where I don't even feel like moving. I even have trouble deciding what to make for meals for my hubby and myself. In the past 2 years have meet other parents who have lost a child and some of them for a longer period of time and they feel the same way we do. You are not alone but that doesn't help does it!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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