Sara Nicolle 01/14/1984-02/17/2007

[tigerbee]

I cried and still do at times.

I grieved and still do at times.

I felt alone in a room full of people so may times.

I often became and become angry when it seems like you never existed to other people. Why is it taboo to mention your name?

I became so angry at times.

I learned to also be more understanding.

I grew my hair out.

I wrote and published a book and even though it was a rip off publisher, I STILL wrote the book and have it on my shelf to help others in grief.

I had no one who understood the loss of losing my child.

I listen in the quiet for the sound of your voice saying, "It's all good mom" and I remember your sweet smile.

You took a world that hated you for being "different" and made them love you because you never knew an enemy if they wanted to be your friend. You were a beautful soul both inside and out. You were also human with the usual human emotions but I know the world is few of the Sara's who bring light into a dull day and who lived, as you did, each day as if it were your last.

I love you Nik. Always.

[MartyT]

Dear One, Your post touches my heart . I am so very sorry for the death of your beautiful daughter Sara Nicolle ~ and I want to welcome you to this warm and caring place, where I promise you will not feel alone . . .

[tigerbee]

Thank you wonderful Marty T. How odd it took over two years to find you and this wonderful place. I have gone on but I will NEVER get "over" Sara (Nikki to family) dying. How wonderful to meet someone who understands. If I may ask, what brought you here? I will off for a bit as I go to town but i will be back on later. Again, thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.

[MartyT]

You've asked what brought me here, but I really don't have a short answer to that question! It may be helpful for you to read this: A Message from Marty

[tigerbee]

Wow! That is unreal all that you have gone through and I mean that. Wow just doesn't give it credit. i am so sorry and I see why you seem so strong. People like us need people like you.

[Ladybug1368]

I have been crying all morning today. I read a stupid article on yahoo when I logged onto my computer this morning. It was about Patrick Swayze's wife sending him a text message before she boarded a plane and then they mentioned rituals that other people do to remember their lost loved ones. There was a link to this website in that article so I clicked it. I was scrolling through some of the grieving individuals' posts and I clicked on yours because of the dates next to your daughter's name, she was about 23/24 years old. My Kadye was 21 when she was taken from us by a car accident four months ago. As I was reading your post, you said your daughter said, "It's all good, mom." and I completely lost it. My Kadye used to say the same thing. She was going to UT in Austin, she played on the women's club rugby team while there. We had two services for Kadye, one in Louisiana for our family and another in Texas where we have been living for awhile and all Kadye's friends are there. The entire women's rugby team from Austin came to both services. They dressed up for the one in Louisiana where we also buried Kadye but for the memorial service in Texas they had made t-shirt with "It's All Good" on the front and Scrappy (which was Kadye's rugby nickname) and the number 6 on the back. They even made on for me along with a shadow box with Kadye's jersy, which they retired, and pictures of her playing rugby and a beautiful poem that makes me cry when I read it. I'm sorry for rambling but I would really like to talk with someone who knows what I am going through because I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling or anything. I miss her so much.

[MartyT]

Dear One ~ I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious Kayde (Scrappy) . You're not "supposed" to be doing or feeling anything, my dear ~ it is enough just to get through the next moment, much less the rest of the day. You will feel what you feel, and there is not a soul who can tell you how to do this. There is no right or wrong way to do this. If there were, we wouldn't be here struggling to support one another as we each find our own way through. All we can do is assure you that you do not have to travel this difficult road alone. We are here for you, and we are walking right beside you. Would you consider sharing with all of us the beautiful poem that Kayde's team mates wrote for her? I know I would love to read it.

I'm so sorry for all the reasons that led you here to us today, but I am very grateful that you found us, and I know that you will always feel welcome here . . .

[tigerbee]

I have been crying all morning today. I read a stupid article on yahoo when I logged onto my computer this morning. It was about Patrick Swayze's wife sending him a text message before she boarded a plane and then they mentioned rituals that other people do to remember their lost loved ones. There was a link to this website in that article so I clicked it. I was scrolling through some of the grieving individuals' posts and I clicked on yours because of the dates next to your daughter's name, she was about 23/24 years old. My Kadye was 21 when she was taken from us by a car accident four months ago. As I was reading your post, you said your daughter said, "It's all good, mom." and I completely lost it. My Kadye used to say the same thing. She was going to UT in Austin, she played on the women's club rugby team while there. We had two services for Kadye, one in Louisiana for our family and another in Texas where we have been living for awhile and all Kadye's friends are there. The entire women's rugby team from Austin came to both services. They dressed up for the one in Louisiana where we also buried Kadye but for the memorial service in Texas they had made t-shirt with "It's All Good" on the front and Scrappy (which was Kadye's rugby nickname) and the number 6 on the back. They even made on for me along with a shadow box with Kadye's jersy, which they retired, and pictures of her playing rugby and a beautiful poem that makes me cry when I read it. I'm sorry for rambling but I would really like to talk with someone who knows what I am going through because I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling or anything. I miss her so much.

You can ramble all you want to and it would not bother me. It has been three years and it will be four on Feb. 17th. Although I have learned how to deal with things, I will never "get over it" as I have been so often advised. Yes, my Nikki was known for her "It's all good,mom and "where is the love?". It is a hard road for us and the pain at times seems unbearable but if you need me, I will be here to listen. You do whatever you need to do to help you through and your heart is so raw right now that if you need to cry, scream, yell or whatever, just do it. You don't have to apologize to people who don't understand and what I am reading reminds me of how hard it was and at times still is. My personal email is tigerbeefairy@yahoo.com if you just need to be heard. God Bless.

[tigerbee]

Dear One ~ I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious Kayde (Scrappy) . You're not "supposed" to be doing or feeling anything, my dear ~ it is enough just to get through the next moment, much less the rest of the day. You will feel what you feel, and there is not a soul who can tell you how to do this. There is no right or wrong way to do this. If there were, we wouldn't be here struggling to support one another as we each find our own way through. All we can do is assure you that you do not have to travel this difficult road alone. We are here for you, and we are walking right beside you. Would you consider sharing with all of us the beautiful poem that Kayde's team mates wrote for her? I know I would love to read it.

I'm so sorry for all the reasons that led you here to us today, but I am very grateful that you found us, and I know that you will always feel welcome here . . .

So true Marty. I am so thankful to have found this spot where I can come and sometimes read, write and know that SOMEONE understands.

[MartyT]

♥

[Ladybug1368]

Dear One ~ I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious Kayde (Scrappy) . You're not "supposed" to be doing or feeling anything, my dear ~ it is enough just to get through the next moment, much less the rest of the day. You will feel what you feel, and there is not a soul who can tell you how to do this. There is no right or wrong way to do this. If there were, we wouldn't be here struggling to support one another as we each find our own way through. All we can do is assure you that you do not have to travel this difficult road alone. We are here for you, and we are walking right beside you. Would you consider sharing with all of us the beautiful poem that Kayde's team mates wrote for her? I know I would love to read it.

I'm so sorry for all the reasons that led you here to us today, but I am very grateful that you found us, and I know that you will always feel welcome here . . .

I hadn't read the poem in awhile because I knew that it would make me cry again and I do that enough already. I copied it down (it's printed on the glass of the shadow box with her jersey and pictures). Here it is:

We wish Heaven had a phone so that we could hear your voice again. We thought of you today, but that was nothing new. We thought about you yesterday and days before that too. We think of you in silence and often speak your name. All we have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which we'll never part...God has you in his arms, we have you in our heart...It's All Good.

[MartyT]

Absolutely beautiful ~ thank you SO much for sharing that with us ♥

As for for all those tears you're shedding, I hope you'll take some comfort in these authors' insightful statements about crying:

Whether they are the result of joy or sorrow, tears are a response to emotions for which we can find no words. They reveal our most vulnerable self. When we cry we are releasing the pain of the loss, not the memory of the one we cherish. The most dramatic rainbows seem to follow the most severe storms. Now when my eyes overflow, I use a guided imagery technique to visualize my tears washing away the pain that I carry inside my heart and soul. And when they finally stop, I look for the brilliant rainbow of love and hope.

– Nina Bennett, in Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother's Journey through Grief

I used to wonder if there would ever come a day when I would stop weeping for my dead child. I thought of tears as a reaction to my feelings of deep grief. Gradually I came to realize that the shedding of tears was part of my healing, like a cool salve on a wound. My tears are my gift to myself, a way of physically acknowledging the love I have for my child, a way of saying, "I love you to the innermost depth of my being." Tears have an almost spiritual healing power, an expression of deep love for the ones for whom we weep.

-- Ann Dawson, in A Season of Grief: A Comforting Companion for Difficult Days

Above all, don't be shy about crying. Crying is coping. In fact, I suggest you don't miss an opportunity to cry – it will be good for your body and soul. Crying is at once an act of cleansing and releasing. Your tears will remove some of the toxic byproducts that have built up in your body due to the stress of grief. I promise . . . you will feel better.

– Lou LaGrand, in Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved

But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.

-- Viktor E. Frankl, in Man's Search for Meaning

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.

— Washington Irving